I would just like to say that I was delusional. Apparently, working 52 hours a week only really leaves time for sleeping and eating, not much writing. But I was in a mood today and decided to take a glance at this story again (AKA I was in a crack!fic mood and I'm in a really serious part of Martyr and cannot write it when I'm in crack!fic mood).
So I don't know if anyone reads this besides my friends but... yeah. I needed to be an annoying hobbit for a night haha.
Disclaimer: I don't own the Hobbit!
"I wear my suuunnn-glasses at night… so I can… uhh…. SEE THE LIIIIGGGHHHTTT!" Gabby sang at the top of her lungs, ignoring the glares being directed towards her from random members of the group- her own friends included.
"Don't you know any other songs?" Bilbo asked from behind her, clearly disgruntled and very sick of hearing an off key voice sing about sunglasses (whatever those were) and night, Thank You Very Much.
"Shhhh! Don't say that! She'll start singing…" Alice said quickly, trying to head off what she knew was coming.
"Oh god, now you've done it!" Eryk groaned piteously at the same time. Cassidy's left eye stared to twitch and Lauryn gave a nervous laugh. After all, Gabby was the girl that created the "Strapple Grapple" while being bored one day- inviting her to share her creativity was never a good idea.
Bilbo looked at the four elves in confusion, as did most of the dwarves (even though all of them had been trying to act like they were still ignoring the new additions). They all wondered what could be worse than that song until Gabby answered with a peppy "Of course!" and started singing.
"Hakuna Matata! What a wonderful phraa-aaase! Hakuna Matata! Ain't no passing craa-aazeee! It means no worries, for the rest of your daaa-aaays! It's our problem free, philoo-ooosophy. Hakuna Matata!"
"Damnit! Now it's stuck in my head!" Eryk cried out as Alice covered her face with her hands and groaned. Cassidy looked like she had a bug stuck in her eye, the lid was twitching so much and Lauryn appeared to be muttering something about how she knew she shouldn't have sat down at that chair!
Later that evening, when Bilbo caught himself singing "Hakuna Matata" under his breath, he understood why the elves reacted so strangely. Glancing around, he realized that he wasn't the only one with the song stuck in his head.
The elves were still singing the song every now and then and groaning, shooting glares at the red headed hobbit curled up by the fire.
Fili and Kili hummed the tune as they walked back from camp, arms full of firewood.
Gloin was asking Oin if he thought Gimli would enjoy the song or not and should he turn it into a ballad for his lovely wife?
Bifur was muttering what sounded to be the tune under his breath, but in words that Bilbo didn't understand.
Bofur was attempting to play the melody on his flute while Bombur heartily sung the song, adding his own words (mainly about food) as he cooked dinner.
Ori was busy writing in his journal and when asked, stated that he was documenting the song so that it would never be forgotten. Bilbo didn't think that it ever could be forgotten, written in a journal or not, but he refrained from telling the young dwarf that.
Dori and Nori were humming between each other, trying to turn the song into a duet (or at least that's what it appeared to be).
Balin was bobbing his head as he sat next to Gandalf, who appeared to be blowing music-note shaped smoke clouds from his pipe.
Thorin sat on the wizard's other side and his face betrayed nothing, but Bilbo was positive that he was trying to force the lyrics out of his head. "Or he could just be constipated." Bilbo muttered quietly to himself.
And Dwalin… well, Dwalin was apparently going to literally beat the song out of his mind. Bilbo was slightly alarmed by this sight (it isn't every day you see a dwarf hitting themselves over the head with either a very large branch or very small tree trunk), but figured that it wasn't his place to step in and stop it. Besides, no one else looked alarmed at his behavior, which gave Bilbo the suspicious feeling that it really wasn't that uncommon of an occurrence for the tattoo-covered dwarf.
However, once dinner was finished, it looked as if everyone had gotten the blasted tune out of their heads. Bofur struck up a lively tune about a dwarf maid that married a rock (because it made less of a mess than any dwarf-man) and soon everyone was singing raunchy songs and laughing at old stories. Before long, Thorin was setting up watches and everyone was settling down to sleep.
As a silence overtook the camp, for the dwarves were not yet asleep enough to start snoring but too tired to keep talking, they heard a soft voice start singing.
"Hakuna Matata… what a wonderful phrase…."
"GODDAMMIT GABBY!"
The next day was bright and sunny with a (thankful) lack of singing. Gabby, it seemed, was trying to make up to her friends for her obnoxious song choice yesterday, but Bilbo wasn't sure which was worse: catchy out-of-tune songs or random outbursts of "Well, at least we don't have to see Moose anymore!"
Who or what exactly was Moose?
Deciding that it was actually too dangerous to ask, as the explanation would undoubtedly be long-winded, incomplete and not very helpful, Bilbo instead helped to make breakfast and just listened as the hobbit continued rambling.
"Hey guys, we can't get anymore disapproving emails from the professors now either!"
"Oh, they'll find a way." Alice responded, quite secure in her belief of the evil powers of their school's faculty.
"Hey, I miss my emails!" Lauryn exclaimed, looking slightly offended.
"Yeah but you don't get the same emails as us" Eryk stated and Lauryn nodded her head as she responded: "True. I just have the professors that don't know when class ends and hold us over for a million hours."
"Don't be so dramatic." Gabby teased, "You know you love spending your entire life with your teachers."
Lauryn just glared while Gabby tried (and failed) to keep a straight face.
"I miss starting plagues,' a new voice added in a tone often reserved for saying that one misses spring flowers, ice cream cones in the summer, or Youtube videos of puppies trying to climb down the stairs…
The dwarves stopped moving and stared in abject horror at the new speaker. Cassidy stood there and stared back, unapologetic.
Eryk laid a sympathetic hand on her shoulder and gave a little squeeze. "I miss it too. 'Plagues' is one of the best things I played in a while."
"Yeah, but my plague was better, so obviously I miss it more. No, no… shhhh… it was better than yours." Cassidy interrupted him with more shushing and "no" whenever he opened his mouth to argue.
It all became too much for Kili. "You can talk?" he blurted out, and then yelped in pain as his brother elbowed him in the side.
Cassidy looked at him like he was an idiot. "Of course I can talk. How else am I supposed to tell people that their antibiotics can give them C. diff?"
Lauryn perked her head up."C. diff? Where?!"
Cassidy gave a sad sigh. "Not here apparently."
Alice looked thoughtful for a moment before suggesting to Eryk that they make some penicillin, "just to get the resistance going", at which point Gabby started to softly sing about fat cats and heart attacks.
The still-silent dwarves (and one wide-eyed hobbit) started to slowly back away from the crazy elves, praying that they wouldn't be noticed until they were mounted on the ponies and able to make a quick get-away. Gandalf was the only one who didn't seem to be disturbed by the new topic but, that did little to comfort Bilbo, as the wizard was the one to get them into this mess.
As the elves continued to discuss amongst themselves about what they would need to make this 'penicillin', a deep voice roared out "ENOUGH!" and caused Bilbo and everyone (excluding Gandalf… again) to leap a foot in the air. "Enough with all of your elvish and hobbit nonsense!"
Bilbo was still too started by Thorin's shout to sputter properly at the unfair accusation that hobbits would ever act like that, or else he would have given Thorin the sputtering of his life.
"I don't know what this ' ' is, or why you start plagues, or what fat cats have to do with any of it, but I do know that I have had enough of it! I don't care what the Valar say, I do not want you on this quest! It's bad enough that you are elves, but now you are also sick in the head!"
Gabby raised her right hand slowly, a cautious look on her face.
"What?" Thorin growled out, his gaze like daggers. Gabby visibly swallowed.
'Well… I just wanted to say," she said in a shaky voice before taking a deep breath, 'that I'm actually a hobbit and don't appreciate your blatant disregard for my race, you… racist! And furthermore," Gabby's voice rose in both pitch and volume as she stepped forward and jabbed a finger into Thorin's armor-covered chest, 'we didn't ask to be placed here! Little Miss Prissy-Pants dropped us here and told us that we had to help you, Mister My-Balls-Are-Bigger-Than-Anyone-Else's-Here. So if there's anyone here that doesn't want us on this quest, it's us!"
The elves nodded vigorously behind their friend, silently supporting her and encouraging her to continue.
"Which is exactly why we're going to follow you like a bunch of pharmacy interns in their first week of rotations so, you better get used to it!" Gabby's declaration came out of left field and smacked her friends upside the head as she crossed her arms and tilted her chin up defiantly, something that would have been more intimidating if she had been more than three and a half feet tall.
"Wha-wh-wh-what?!" Lauryn sputtered and shook her head violently. "That was not how you were supposed to end your little speech! You were supposed to say "I'm terribly sorry, but hasta la vista gentlemen!"
Gabby pulled a face."That's not how that line goes Lauryn. But apparently, seeing how all of you are surprised by my answer, I say we vote. Heck, I say we vote and that Cassidy counts as three people!" Gabby grinned up at her friends.
Alice raised her eyebrow, slightly suspicious but unable to place why, before agreeing. "Sure, why not? Eryk, yay or nay?"
Gabby snorted."Yay or nay? Really?" Alice glared at her.
Eryk tapped his chin. "Gee, let me think-NAY."
Alice nodded and turned to Lauryn. "Lauryn?"
"Oh, I really feel like dying. Of course I pick Nay!"
Alice nodded once more and then sighed as she faced the next person. "Gabby?"
"I really don't test well under pressure."
"Gabby…."
"Yay, obviously. Yay!"
Eryk shot Alice a look and muttered "You couldn't have picked 'yes' or 'no'?" Alice threw her hands into the air. "Well obviously I hadn't thought this out very well!" she muttered back, annoyed. Eryk shook his head. "Obviously. Now which do you pick? Yay or Nay?"
"I pick nay." Alice answered.
Gabby pouted at her. "Spoil sport." Alice noted that Gabby didn't look all that upset however, and just shrugged and responded "I'm Russian" before turning to Cassidy. "Cassidy?"
Cassidy smiled sweetly at Alice. "Yes Alice?"
"Yay or nay?"
"Hmmm…I pick-"
Gabby interrupted her. "Oh, I should probably mention, in case you didn't know this already Cassidy, that these noble dwarves here,' Gabby gestured to the slightly-nervous Company behind her, 'are on a quest to take back their ancient and majestic kingdom."
Cassidy huffed. "Yes,I gathered that much. And you interrupted-"
"Yes, but what you didn't gather is that they are taking it back from a dragon." Gabby interrupted Cassidy again, this time with a smug smile on her face. Alice and Lauryn both groaned and Eryk started walking towards the nearest tree with the intention of banging his head against it.
Cassidy's excited squeals of "Dragon baby! I vote yay! I want to see the Dragon Baby!" drowned out the sound of Alice berating herself for forgetting about the "fucking giant ass dragon."
Gabby turned a self-satisfied smile back to Thorin's shocked face. "Like I said Mister Oakenshield, we're going to follow you to the end. Or at least to the part with the dragon."
Gandalf chuckled.