One Shots

Installment 2

Confessions

This is a scene that I would love to see happen in Season 9.

Jamie was sitting down on the couch watching TV with Eddie curled up, head in his lap, as he was stroking her hair. He didn't know if he could be happier than he was today. The only thing that would make his life perfect was if Eddie was already his wife and they still were partners on the job. And that no one cared to fuck with them because of it. But they were far from that. And being at odds with so many people had him on edge, frustrated and stressed out. It was these quiet moments, when he and Eddie were alone, even not speaking, just watching TV, that he lived for. Behind the closed door of either of their apartments, he felt like he could let it all out and just be. Be happy and over the moon because finally – after years of wanting her and loving her from afar – he was finally able to voice it to her and to the world.

He had no regrets about asking her to marry him. He had no regrets about finally telling her how he really felt. He had no regrets about telling her how much he loved her and for how long. Five years of being in each other's lives and of having pent up feelings and emotions had been a hell of a roller coaster ride. They had laughed, they had fought, they had ripped into each other more times than he could count. There were times (mutually) that they wanted nothing to do with the other. And even thought – if only briefly – about ending their partnership. With no thought about being together after the dissolvement of their partnership. But in the end, it was there – no matter how much they tried to deny it – the love was there on both ends. Jealousy was the first thing he noticed after the first year they started riding together. It only grew worse as time went by and he had denied it to himself – and hurt her in the process – when she would admit it and he would deflect. But no more. He couldn't hurt her or himself truth be told. Every time that she would look at him with love in her eyes, and he had to look away, it was like he was stabbing himself in the heart. And each time he denied them it killed him. Each time more painful than the next. Loving her was like breathing to Jamie.

He was fighting like hell to have them stay together and so was she. They had gotten some slack from other officers but the 12th had quickly come around. They were genuinely happy for them, congratulated them and they even hung out with them after work. He wasn't too concerned about them. He was more concerned with the brass and the Commissioner at 1 PP. It had been a few weeks since they had announced their engagement at Sunday dinner and while Frank was happy when he was in his Dad role, when it came to the Commissioner role, he did not subscribe to the notion that they should ride together because there was no rule. And no matter how much cajoling both he and Eddie had tried, Frank was unflinching. He knew his dad was stubborn. But so was he.

"Babe…" she heard Eddie call out to him. "I can hear the gears in your head turning." She finished as she smiled. Leave it to Jamie to think about things, when finally, after a few days of non-stop tours and working long hours, they finally had a break to themselves.

He smiled slightly, coming back to the present, and leaning down to kiss her temple. "I'm just thinking about everything." Jamie confessed. She could read him like a book – even when he was silent.

"Can we take a break? From thinking?" Eddie asked. "I'm watching the movie but I can sense that you're not." Eddie paused the movie and sat up – she knew better than to ask Jamie to stop thinking about things. "What's up?"

"Not that I'm not enjoying this part our relationship." Jamie started. "The one where everything is still new and we can't get enough of each other." Jamie says, as he pulls her in for a quick kiss on the lips. "But sometimes I wish that we were already married and that everyone was just okay with us remaining partners until one of us moves on. Or both of us."

Eddie nodded her head and inched closer to him. "I want that too." She admitted. "But Jamie, we can't wallow in this. It will drive us crazy. We are together. We are in love. We're practically living together. We're getting married. It can't be all paradise, now can it?" She semi-joked. "I mean what fun would that be?"

"It just makes me wonder if doing things, the right way, was worth it." Jamie said. That thought had plagued him for a while now. Probably since they decided to be together and shortly after to get married.

"What do you mean?" Eddie asked.

"I mean…" Jamie started. "I could have acted on my feelings one year into our partnership."

Eddie scrunched up her face and let him go on. She knew he had a point to make and she wanted to let him make it.

"The day you told me it was our one-year anniversary. The day I wailed on that guy that pushed you to the ground. Erin that day made me realize that I had feelings for you. She told me that I had to decide if I wanted you to stay my partner or to explore those feelings – these feelings that have only gotten stronger."

"I knew I liked Erin for a reason. So, she's known for a while?" Eddie asked.

"Yes."

"Well let's see…the first time I think I ever had an inkling of being attracted to you was with Dana." Eddie admitted.

"Really?" Jamie said, as he laughed. "Janko we were like a few months into our partnership. That was before my talk with Erin."

"I know." Eddie said, as she rolled her eyes. "It wasn't something that registered in its entirety. It was just a feeling of…how can I explain it…of…"

Jamie was enjoying seeing Eddie struggle for words. It rarely happened. But he knew what she was feeling. He had felt it too. "Of Dana being in 'our' space – it just seemed wrong." Jamie said, trying to help her out. "Like for us it was sacred territory. Our precinct."

"Yes!" Eddie said, as she hit her knees. "Yes. Exactly. Like what is she doing here? This is my space. I didn't really admit that it was jealousy but it certainly made me see you in a different light. Not just as my partner." Eddie confessed.

Jamie nodded his head: "I felt it when we were at the bar that night and Dana told me that you were great. I agreed with her and then she told me that you were pretty too. I tried telling her that it wasn't like that with you and me. That I counted on you to have my back. And that we couldn't let feelings get in the way of things. But I found myself looking back at you and you looked so pretty. I knew then that something had shifted. And in the pit of my stomach, I knew I was in trouble. But like you it didn't register quite yet."

"Back then it was easy to push it away as a momentary reaction. A fleeting attraction."

"Yep."

"Then the double date happened…" Eddie said and laughed, remembering the four of them at the bar.

"I never wanted to be set up with Hayley. I didn't want to set you up with Spenc." Jamie told her.

"Well neither of those dates worked." Eddie said, with a twinkle in her eye.

"And that kiss?" Jamie prodded. "I can blame it on the alcohol and I did – for a while. But truth be told, I knew what I was doing. I had wanted to kiss you for a while."

"I wanted you to come upstairs with me." Eddie admitted. "And I confess that I would have invited you up if you hadn't stopped the kiss. You pulled back. And I got the hint."

"I didn't want to." Jamie told her, as he touched her arm and gently rubbed it. This is what he meant about him rejecting her and hurting her. When he felt the same exact way. And she had had no clue about it.

"Yet you did." She said, a bit sadly.

"Eddie my emotions were all fucked up. Spencer made me see that night that I was lying to myself. That when I said I saw you like a sister I was trying to put some distance between us. And I owe Spence for not making a move on you because it would have killed me."

"He didn't even try to stand close to me when Hayley and I came back from the bathroom. And truth be told I was a bit relieved."

"He said, bro code. He wasn't going near you for the rest of the night. Because even though I had not admitted it to myself, Spence knew that I was falling in love with you."

"Hayley basically told me the same thing in the bathroom. In a nutshell, to stop fighting it and just admit that you were important to me and that I was developing feelings for you."

"That kiss…if I'm honest stayed with me a long time. It actually still does."

"Then the doc…" Eddie rolled her eyes. "Dana, the Doc, both brunette. I thought you had a type Reagan. And I found myself really thinking that the kiss had been the alcohol. Because not only had you already told me that I wasn't your type, you also proved it to me with the Doc. Both Dana and Jen were brunette and stunning."

"I did." Jamie admitted as he shrugged his shoulders. "At least I thought I did."

"I'm not exactly your type huh?" Eddie pressed. She wanted to hear him say it. That he had changed his mind or that all along he had been wrong about his type. It was silly. It was insecurity, maybe. But she loved him. However, if she thought about it rationally, she also had told him that he was not her type. And that was also true in the beginning.

"You're the only one for me honey. No one else compares. Type or not. And hey I wasn't your type either." Jamie deadpanned.

"Boy scout…" Eddie whispers, as she wraps her arms around his neck and kisses him softly. "But you're my boy scout. No one else's."

"Always and forever shorty."

"I'm kind of glad we are taking this trip down memory lane. Maybe now I can truly tell you how I felt about some of the things we hid back then."

"Me too." Jamie said, as he turned Eddie around so he could lay her back against his chest. "How about breakfast sandwich?"

"How about Tara?"

"Ugh…Tara was nothing. You know that."

"I was still jealous of her."

Jamie laughed. "Yeah. That you were."

"I wanted to poke her eyes out."

"And mine."

"And yours." She acknowledged, as she laughed.

"I hated yuppy breakfast sandwich guy."

Eddie just chuckled and shook her head side to side. "Why? He left me because he couldn't handle me being a cop."

"You liked him. A lot." Jamie said.

"I did like him." Eddie admitted. "At that point you and I had decided to keep things professional and he was a nice guy. But Jamie…" Eddie said, as she reached her hand up and stroked his head, bringing it closer to hers. "I thought of you even when I was with him."

"Yeah?"

"Yes. I knew by then that I was in love with you. I just thought you valued our partnership more than you valued the possibility of being with me."

"I was in love with you, way before that day. And it wasn't that I valued it more. It was that I could have figured out how to have both. Not having you in the RMP with me and having someone else take care of you? I couldn't fathom it. And I know you hate it when I go all protector on you but it's beyond me, all right? I know things can happen with or without me there but look at how you saved my life? You just knew I was in trouble. And I was and because of that you saved me. So that connection? You wouldn't have it with anyone else. And I couldn't lose you. Even if I had to sacrifice us, and kill me – and you – in the process."

"I know that." Eddie admitted. "It was just so tough to believe in our love after so many years. So, I settled. Or thought I did. And kept going out with people. Because you would never, ever, want me."

"Oh Eddie…" he whispered. "I did want you. So much. And that's what I mean – when I told you I didn't know if doing things, the right way, was worth it. I'm so sorry I hurt you."

"Yeah." Eddie said, wistfully. "But you were hurting too. And I know that now." She decides to keep things on track with their conversation. She had a feeling that Jamie was lashing himself with guilt at making her suffer and she didn't want to dwell on it. They were happy now. "And that date with his sister? I didn't want you to go because I was afraid you'd like her. And then when you told her where you lived and that she should look by you. Fuck that. I was on the defensive immediately. And how she fawned over you? After we took those perps down? Hell. No. You weren't getting close to her if I had anything to say about it."

Jamie knew exactly what she was doing and he was grateful. He was going to take the out because in reality, knowing how much he hurt her, pained him. He knew she was sad and suffered when he had been so ambivalent about them. Understanding now how deep that hurt went, well it just killed him. He never wanted to put her through that pain again.

"How about Walsh? And how mad you were with me that I decided to ride with her? That wasn't jealousy, was it?"

"Different type I guess." Eddie admitted. "God I was so angry at you."

"She had a raw deal Eddie and if I could make it better, why not help her out?"

"I apologized to her." Eddie defended. "Granted I was a bitch to her when I first saw her but I came around. All of the 12th did. And then Jen happened, the damn Doc." Eddie said, as she rolled her eyes. "I was so jealous!"

"But you didn't call it jealousy." Jamie said, amused as he chuckled.

"Shut up!" Eddie said, as she slapped him in the arm playfully. "I wanted you to stay with me that night. Cancel with her and stay with me, that's what I wanted."

"I wanted to stay." Jamie admitted. "But what I said was true. What we had back then was undefined. I was flying without the instruments. Besides, how could I have canceled 20 minutes before dinner?"

"Before your date you mean." Eddie said, with a scoff.

"It was just dinner." Jamie repeated what he had told her that night.

"It was a date."

"Okay…" Jamie said, as he hugged her closer to him. "All right…but you told me to go and have fun. That I didn't need your permission." He teased her.

"Oh…hoh." She said, as she laughed. "You're treading a fine line Reagan."

"Hey, hey, hey…" Jamie said. "You know perfectly well that the look I gave you after you said I didn't need your permission was an opening for you to tell me right then and there that you didn't want me to go. That I should stay with you. But you didn't. You told me to go."

"Cards on the table…" Eddie said, "Would you have stayed? If I had, had the balls to tell you that I wanted you to stay?"

Jamie blew out a breath and thought about it. "I would have loved to. But I don't think that I would have." He said, honestly. "I'm not that guy Eddie." Jamie confessed. "The guy that stands up a girl. It wasn't her fault that I was into you and would prefer to stay with you. But I would have told you that I would be back later that night. I would have come back."

"After letting her down easy?"

"Probably." Jamie confirmed. "It was over after that night anyway."

"Really?"

"Yes. I couldn't look at her without thinking of you and your face. And your acknowledgment that you requested another partner for a day because you needed distance from me. Not gonna lie. That one hurt."

"Like the Walsh one hurt me."

Jamie nodded. "Okay. You got a point."

"I know, technically, it's not the same. I knew you weren't into Walsh but you knew it would hurt me that you requested to ride with her for a few days and didn't even consult me."

"I didn't want to fight."

Now it was Eddie's turn to laugh. "Come on Jamie…really? What did you think would happen when I found out? You think I was going to magically get over it because we didn't discuss it? Pffttt...we still sort of fought."

"If Kara hadn't interrupted it would have escalated to a full-blown fight in front of everyone at the 12th."

"Yep." Eddie confirmed. "You dumped me and didn't even tell me."

"Well you didn't want me back after. You wanted to stay partnered with Regetti. You flipped for me AND then when you lost you wanted to make it two out of three. And I didn't dump you. I had every intention of riding with you the week after and the rest of our tenure if I had anything to say about it. And I would have found a way to make it up to you."

"Mmmmm….hmmmmm." Eddie said, as she rolled her eyes.

"All right. All right." Jamie laughed. "I'm sorry. I love you. I'm with you now and you have nothing to worry about ever. I'm all yours."

"Prove it." She said, as she sat up and turned herself around to face him.

"Come here…" he said, as he cradled her face and kissed her. "I don't want anyone else." He said, as he kissed her one more time. "You're all I will ever want or need." One more kiss. "I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you." One more. "Every transgression that I made against you I will make you forget. I'm yours, babe. No other woman makes me feel like you do."

Eddie pulled back from his last kiss and touched her forehead to his. "I love you Jameson Reagan. I always will."

Jamko…Jamko…Jamko