Rusty moon sky
Nothing but a cry
Mixed as far as you know
Confusing even in death
Tell me is that so
I could smell one thing and one thing only! I listened to it splatter in the sink. The sound of the phones ringing off the hook kept them busy. Or it could've been the sound of Beethoven's Fur Elise coming from my stereo speakers. People had been calling non-stop. Phones cell phones, hell even the fax machine got its fair share of beeps. I brought my wrist up. The smell of salt and rust filled my nose. I inhaled deep. The large gash I had started was seeping with warm sticky red liquid, rolling down my forearm.
It stretched from the crease of my elbow, maybe four inches down. I did know it was deep, deeper than last time. I shook my head as the piano ended it's final key. The moment the stereo clicked I heard the phone ring. I shut my eyes. It wasn't enough yet. I brought the long silver pin like needle file to the crease of my elbow once more. I stuck the tip into my elbow and pressed down. I dragged the file down my arm. I gritted my teeth. I didn't cry out. No not ever, not even the first time I done this.
It began almost three years ago off and on. I'd do it whenever I felt the pressure in the back of my head, or the red fury fill my eyes. Or the violent shaking. I remember why I started; I remember a time when things were good. A time back when. At five Dad was video taping my first ballet recital. At six my first piano recital. Mom proud at six as well, handing me my little green ribbon for perfect attendance.
Eight I was playing hockey and doing sports with Brendan whom was seven. We broke a few windows, made a few dents in Dad's BMW. Surprisingly he never cared, laughed it off. He used to call me his little Puzzle Maker. I'd create scenarios in my head other's couldn't even dream. Put together broken pieces. I was a happy child, normal, and tantrums here and there. I was mostly quiet and shy; I liked to sing to Lucas when he was first born. As grade school ended and me twelve things were getting tough. When I hit fourteen and Brendan hit thirteen and middle school things got even worse. He was already getting offered to play on several of the school's hockey team leagues.
Dad started getting more time for Brendan, meaning less for Luke and me. He didn't even have time to listen to me play my ivory set. High school came up fast and I became a little more depressed. I met two people in detention. The first young girl I met was beyond gorgeous. Tan, dark hair, soft face. She wasn't a Boston native. No, her parents the Cypresses transferred from Belgium in Europe. Here to Boston when she was five.
We later found out our dad's worked on the same floor at Starfish Capital. Her name was Kelly, she had a younger sister, and a brother Michaels, yeah you guessed it. He played on the hockey team with Brendan. The two were best buddies. She became used to being a shadow in her family. We understood each other because of it. Kels had this innocent era to her, like me shy at first, but after a few hours and a couple of dry jokes later I saw a very bright person who enjoyed numerous things.
Our Dad's were happy of course, taking on the happy family friend's way of life. Kels and I rebelled at times. When we were together high school, plastic bitch barbies beware! We were a force of nature, not caring who thought what! The best memory was when Kelly and I got into it with Heather and Melissa. Two best friends who ran the 'it' group at school. There Daddies were V.P.'s of Starfish before our's replaced them! We got two weeks suspension and a ride to the police station. Ice packs on our hand's, cocky smiles plastered on our faces as the cops escorted us into the cop car.
About two weeks after that in one of our many detentions we met Rowan. Never had a last name he called himself Darley usually. Never knew why? Especially since he told me and Kelly different. Rowan only told us he had a brother and we never pressured him on his family life. We tried to give him as much of our affections as possible. The three of us formed a bond so strong. No matter what happened, fights, we never faltered. Without them I'd have already dumped a full bottle of vicodin down my throat!
When I turned fifteen and hit tenth grade and Brendan hit high school with Michaels, that's when my Dad declared him the family's golden boy. Everything became about hockey! Or Brendan's games. He'd gotten a big head and ego as it progressed. Extra work at home was dumped at me. I was ignored, yelled at, pressured everywhere. The only pain I could control I found out was the pain I inflicted on myself. I started in the fall when I was fifteen.
And when things kept getting harder so did my object or needle of choice! Kels knew somehow. I couldn't hide anything from her, that twin-like sense we had strong. Not a long sleeved shirt, a bandage could cover it. She pleaded with me to stop. I did for a while off and on. Until it stopped all together when I turned sixteen! I was a mess Brendan seemed everywhere. I couldn't be Kassia anymore. He'd changed me Kassia Hume had changed!
I couldn't hide the bruises from Brendan pushing me into walls, or slapping me. I couldn't get mom to believe it and sure as hell not dad! Rowan had broke Brendan's nose when he'd heard. Resulted in his 48 hours jail time. He was banned from the house. Kelly's parent's inflicted the same rules to her. Michaels and Brendan were the two families golden boys. In reality they were the golden backstabbers! This past year after I turned seventeen went quickly me being almost eighteen now. Brendan had hit me his last time and said the wrong thing before I snapped that night. I said the one word that would haunt me for the rest of my life. 'Drop dead' it slipped from my lips two nights ago.
I didn't know at three the next morning my entire life would change when the phone rang. We got a call to the hospital just as we came in to see dad covered in blood the doctor came out to tell us Brendan didn't survive surgery. We found out he was murdered as dad said throat slashed. I couldn't comprehend. I didn't know how to react part of me missed him, the other half didn't. He was in reality, my reality Satin. Dad was acting weird over the murder, and oddly enough Rowan reacted and strayed from me. Guess he didn't know what to say on the whole family ordeal.
I closed my e-mail down from all the messages I received asking details on Brendan. After the funeral today dad had a court date tomorrow. My curiosity and wanting to see the alleged murder that removed the black raged golden fury from my life. Luke was confused like me. He'd won his soccer game that day! He was my baby brother, my rock, and I'd die for him. Death it seemed so literal now though...
My fingers touched the palm of my hand and I gasped. I made the gash extend. As I watched the blood seep out in a weird fascination. There was a knock at my door. "Hello?" A soft accented voice called out.
"Shit!" I hissed quietly, thanking god my bathroom door was closed.
"Kassia, Kass? Kassia it's me Kels you all right?"
I grabbed a piece of toilet paper frantically soaking it to my arm trying to dry the blood up. I threw the bloody file into the draw. I heard the clicking of her heels. "Girl you ok?"
"J-just a minute." I said in a high pitched voice.
I yanked by white button down sleeved top down just as the bathroom door opened. I whipped around knocking some shit off the counter. "Shit!" I cursed a loud.
Kelly bent down at the same time. "Here let me get it." She spoke softly as my hands shook trying to pick stuff up.
I could feel the blood seeping through the white fabric, my hand moved back. Kelly set the remainder of what I had knocked over carefully back onto the counter. She put her hands on my shoulders. I was shaking hard, my arm burning. I jerked away a moment. "Woa woa Kass girl you all right?" My eyes welled up with tears. Every time she asked me something face to face like that. I couldn't hide it. Kels was like the sister I never had she was my best friend!
For an odd reason I could look a stranger or my mom in the eye when they asked me if I was ok and lie through my teeth without shedding a tear. With Rowan Kels they could see right through it! They made it easier for me to come to them with open arms and just breakdown, rant whatever I need to do when I needed to do it and me with them. I looked at her and burst into tears.
"Shhh oh babe come here." She cooed rubbing my back as I cried into her.
After a few moments when I finally stopped and pulled back she placed a kiss on my forehead and wiped my tears away with her thumbs. "Hey chin up Cinnamon." She said through her own tears.
My Hebrew name Kassia meaning Cinnamon giving me the nickname of Cinnamon was the one thing I completely loved about myself. Kelly was dressed in a leather skirt, a long sleeved midnight purple top, black stilettos, her leather jacket. Topping her tan skin of with a smoky do and her dark brown hair was slightly wavy today. "You look good." I said trying to smile.
She took my hands in hers. "Look at you. Wake up the dead knockout." She joked.
We both began giggling through tears. "Ready to do this?" She asked.
I looked at myself in the mirror. My smoky do, my hair curled and slightly pinned back. My white button up shirt, with a black vest, my black stockings underneath my shirt knitted skirt, with knee high thin-heeled boots.
I took a deep breath and retched to pull the door open when Kelly's hand retched out and grabbed mine. "Ouch!" I yelped. Her eyes widened right away before more tears filled them. "Fuck Kassia no! Not again, not over this please say you didn't."
"Must be a big stain." I laughed sarcastically.
She jerked back like I'd just slapped her in the face. "Bull shit!" She suddenly yelled. "Kassia you can't do this again. He's gone now, and it's not your fault, anything you said that night nothing!"
We were both silent for a moment before I turned around and stormed into my room. I scooped up my knit coat and threw it on. She came out right behind me.
"What's going on please tell me why you're doing this again, please." She begged.
"Nothing." I lied. "So I need some fucking control so what? What the fuck do you care for?"
"Oh that's right Kassia I don't care your best friend your fucking sister doesn't care. I bet Rowan would like to know." She said reaching into her pocket pulling out the cherry mobile.
"No Kels! I'll try to stop I promise. I just don't know." I mumbled my lip quivering.
She signed coming over to me. "It'll be all right. I promise." She spoke softly hugging me.
"Don't promise Kels. Please." I whimpered.
A knock erupted at my door. It was my mom. She opened the door and we unlocked from the hug. "Hey girls the car is here." She spoke in a daze.
And without another word she turned to leave. I swallowed hard as Kelly and I made our way to the car outside. The ride there was so quiet almost unbearable. The dark clouds overhead signs making known a storm was coming.
I got out of the car needing time to myself and not wanting to see the casket. I made my way past some marble stones. My heels kept sinking lower into the mud I walked in. My hair being whipped about by the wind. I could smell the rain coming the thunder roaring in the distance. My hands clutching onto nothing in my pocket. Wishing never made it better hoping only caught my breath. The silver sharp object I was searching for was not there. My fingernails had begun to subside my urge and pain for now.
By the time I had taken the shortcut I saw them casket already set up while everyone was huddle under umbrellas as the rain began to fall hard. I walked over to Luke. "Hey Lukers." I spoke softly ruffling his hair. He grabbed my right hand with his left and squeezed. Kelly also grabbed my hand squeezing. Tears started filling my eyes, and the service became a blur. I was having a stare down with casket and watching each rain drop fall of it after hitting it and making noise that sounded like a wild freight train. It made me sick knowing it held the body of my brother. The lifeless, cold, dead, teenager.
It was starting to hit me hard that he was dead. Brendan's dead. My brother is gone! My eyes closed pressure was building in my head. I started to shake my eyes closed like the memory, strong like a vision appeared in my head. That night, came flooding, hurling back to me.
...
"Kiss ass." Brendan taunted mocking Luke.
Luke scurried up the stairs, Our parents had went out after the o-so-lovely dinner and leaving me with the chores. "You're such a prick, Brendan." I mumbled heading into the kitchen to start the dishes. Long behold Brendan Hume did anything. Wouldn't want to ruin his good hockey hands.
He followed me. "What's that from my sister?" He said holding his hand up to his ear, cocky smirk across his face.
"Prick." I said slowly throwing some forks, and a plate roughly into the soapy water.
When I threw the plate, the water splashed Brendan and me.
I took one look at the suds on him and I started laughing.
"Wet prick." I laughed.
He suddenly grabbed my arm and jerked hard which caused my fingers, which had a hold of a utensil to scrape sharply across it. "Ouch." I yelped bringing the finger out and sucking on it to ease the pain for a moment.
"Oh please bitch. You don't like that at all? We spend enough money on those arms of yours for some reason. I did you a favor, not as big as your used to carving, but..."
I cut him off with a sharp wet slap to his cheek. Rage was beginning to spill over. The impact threw him into the kitchen floor, and he hit the chairs.
"What's wrong dad and mom not here to help golden boy?" I spat anger in my voice rising.
He jumped up before I had the chance to move and smacked me hard across the face making me stumble back. I retreated back and shoved him across the floor and started for the hallway. He grabbed the back of my hoodie with force and jerked me around throwing me into the hallway wall.
"Listen here you slut, you better watch the way you speak to me. And this he said holding out the collar of his wet t-shirt, this is not expectable now is it? If you don't watch your damn step I'll be telling all your little friend what your spare hobbies are." He said smirking.
"I'll smack that fucking smirk right off your face!" I growled lowly.
"Go ahead try, see if your black ass hoodlum boy can do it for you. Maybe he'll fuck you and Kelly ay the same time. Don't know if my sister would do such kinky shit hmm... Maybe you're a junkie." He roared laughing.
My anger boiled up and hot tears spilled out of my eyes. "Brendan drop dead, I hope you drop dead!" I spat lowly.
I never knew that night would be the night he would drop dead. My eyes snapped back open. "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust." The priest spoke.
My stomach was turning the rain making me shiver. Luke's head leaned into my mother's and mine and I leaned my head down into Kelly's. As they started lowering casket into the ground my eyes started rolling back in my head. My arms were burning, the pressure was pounding. I didn't even notice the priest had lowered the casket all the way down and people were leaving until there was a soft tap on my shoulder.
"Hey you ok? " Luke asked me.
Kels gave me a questioning look. I opened my mouth to speak, but no sound came out. Only a "Hmm ah mm." I managed to squeak out.
My mom walked in front of me stuffing a tissue in her purse. "Kass you all right baby? Kassia?"
I was disoriented. "Honey Nick come here." Mom called out.
I heard his footsteps. My mom placed her cold hand to my forehead. "Jesus Nick she's burning up."
"Kassia? Let's get you to the car." My dad said grabbing an arm and walking me to the car, nodding at people by us. I was feeling weaker every second, energy draining. My hands started shaking and the next step I took I saw the place spin around me and the earth leave so quickly beneath my feet. My eyes darkened and I hit the ground. It was cold, hard, and the rain beat down onto my face.
"Kassia? You feeling sick you ok? " My dad questioned.
What the fuck do you care I thought. My mom and Kelly were yelping frantically. They were all huddled above me. "She fainted Nick. Bring the car around. Now!"
I let the rain drops hit my lids and I started closing them. The felt heavy. Kels was holding onto my hand, and Luke brushing some hair out of my face. I let my eyes flutter shut. "Kassia please be ok." Luke said a slight whimper to his tone.
(Rowan's P.O.V.)
It was hard to see through the rain. Both girls looked stunning. I could see her black coat and the umbrellas huddled together. Piece of shit got what he deserved I thought. I wouldn't say that to her, but he did. I watched and watched until it looked like she fell down. I jumped up fast like clockwork ready to see if she was all right. A hand was placed firmly on my chest holding me back.
"Row chill brother. You can't be makin your ass known dawg." Bodie said.
I sighed deeply and stepped back into place watching frantically as they were huddled around her.
"Where the fuck are we? You want to tell me why you dragged me all the way here to watch some fuckers in black ties lower a rich fuck into the ground?"
"Shut the fuck up man! He was her brother." I retorted.
He started laughing. "Okay Dawg."
He was still laughing until I pulled the paper from my leather jacket and slapped it to his chest. His eyes started at it with confusion. He smirked.
"How much you think they'd sale me a stock for? Think they'd trade? A stock for a roll?" He laughed.
"Read you fucking ass whole!" I demanded growling.
He sighed, his fingers snapped as he leaned against the red tribal marked mustang, and his eyes followed the front page of the paper. "Starfish Capital. Yeah so..." He said not quite getting it yet.
"Look at the fucking kid on the left!" I yelled.
His eyes looked and then they widened. "Rowan man.." He trailed off giving me a look.
"Your girl ain't related to this fuck Joey sliced is she?"
I looked at him nodding. "God dammit!" He yelled slinging the paper to the ground.
"You better fucking hope Billy don't find out about your girl."
"I don't know if I can keep it in my fucking hands she may need me Bodie" I said with worry in my tone. "Crying over that piece of shit."
"If Billy gets site of her he's going to have more on his fucking mind!" Bodie yelled once more.
"Yeah no shit." I retorted.
"Brother you your fucking trap shut and stay the hell away from her! Billy can't ever know this shit." He said with his hands on the side of my face.
Hey ya'll took me forever please review! ;) btw the lyrics at the beginning are my own from a song I am writing, especially for this story.
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