Title: Breaking Free

Author: TeamMaddison

AU: AU means alternate universe. This to my knowledge did not happen in the show or in the shows spin offs. Rated as it is because this story explores topics such as strong language, domestic violence, depression, PTSD, self harm, and attempted suicide.

Rated: M for mature just to be on the safe side due to the above listed themes.

Disclaimer: As much as I would love to I do not own Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, or any of the characters from either show. I am simply a fan.

Authors Note:

* Flashbacks in this chapter occurred while Addison was in New York with Mark. Addison stayed with Mark for 1 year before moving to Seattle to be with Derek.*

Chapter 2:

"Oh Addison." Mark breathed. He stood for a second looking at the scene before him. Addison was all but passed out on the bathroom floor. It was evident she had been throwing up and there was a empty wine bottle and a bottle of tequila on the floor next to her. 'OK not a completely unreasonable thing to have after what she's been through' he reasoned with himself. He walked over to help her back into bed when he realized something was off. There was a small pocket knife on the floor with blood on it. He looked closer. Her pajamas were positioned in just he right way that he could see three angry gashes on her hip bone. His heart sank when he realized what she had done to herself, he sighed, knowing some addictions cannot be tamed just by changing the person's environment.

"Addison can you hear me?" He asked. As he quickly checked his pulse and satisfied himself that she was indeed alive and the gashes although deep were not life threatening.

"I'm fine." She mumbled stirring a little.

"You're hurting." He said as he scooped her up into his arms. She was too weak to object and rested her head on his shoulder as he carried her back to her bed in the spare bedroom. "You need me."

"I don't need you." She objected, waking up fully, but her head was spinning he knows she can't be trusted to have the best judgement when she's drunk. Mark laid her on her side in the bed, grabbed his medical bag, and began to clean and suture the cuts.

"I'm sorry this is going to hurt a bit." He didn't have anything to numb the pain. She looked up at him and rolled her eyes and gave a weak laugh as the wound was sanitized of all germs, but however hard she tried her face couldn't hide the pain as he began to sew her back together. She was quiet for a long time watching him and then:

"You look really sexy when you suture."….her words slurring. Mark smiled at her chuckling a little as he finished the last tiny stitch and taped on a sterile dressing before putting his tools away and sitting next to her..

She sat up and leaned into him gently kissing his lips. He could taste the sweet alcohol on her breath, but he kissed her back. Not stopping her when the kisses became slower, deeper,and more passionate .Maybe it was out of old habits. Maybe because he was lonely too. Maybe because their bodies had always fit together just right when embraced. Maybe because she was broken and hurting and he just wanted to make her pain go away. Even for second. That precious second before better judgement kicks in and you know there is no excuses to justify what you're doing..

"I'm so sorry Red." He said as they broke apart and horrible guilty realization kicked in. "We can't do this. Not now. Not like this." This. He'd love to be doing this. But the circumstances were all wrong. She was injured, and it was probably a minor miracle she hasn't yet fallen victim to alcohol poisoning. He should have been there. He should have stayed home from work. He should have… What exactly? She told him to go to work. He was only honoring her request wasn't he? No. He should have stayed.

"Mark I'm fine…." She stammered, but fell silent shortly after as she didn't really know what else to say. This is what they've always done, but now it's different. She was different. Derek had changed them. How many times had she said she was fine over the years, when truly she was falling apart inside? Too many to count.

"shhh." He said pressing his finger to her lips. "You don't know what you're saying.." He said. His voice coming across blunter than he would have liked. In remorse he gently pulls her closer to him and lets her lean against him. Slowly stroking her hair. "You need to rest."

"I can't… rest I mean…I have a problem." Her voice quiet the words falling from her lips before she could stop them.

"Oh yeah? What would that be?" He asked gently, his tone light. He could see several potential problems she had, drinking problem, self harm problem, husband is an abusive dick problem to name a few. He decided that his list was best left unsaid. She buries her face into his shoulder a little. Taking in the sweet smell of his body wash. Closing her eyes and breathing deep. Stalling.

"I'm pregnant." She said barely audible. "I'd rather be dead." Even through the booze it was evident how truly miserable she was confessing this.

His blood ran cold. He couldn't have heard her properly. How could he not have known? He could have done something. Anything. Before he could say anything his mind flashed back to another time…. Another pregnancy.

*FLASHBACK*

"Addison I know you think it's only your choice but PLEASE just think about it. We could be a family. A real family. " Mark pleaded. His voice raw with emotion.

"I can't do this Mark." She said as she walked around the bedroom and bathroom, carelessly throwing some clothes and other personal items into an overnight bag.

"You can. We can together."

"You don't want to raise a family Mark. You want to trump Derek. You want to win."

"Addison…." He had thought on that a moment. She always had romanticized Derek over him. It didn't matter how horridly Derek treated her. She always ran back to him. She never had realized that all he had ever done was try to love her, to protect her.

"Please just forget I ever said anything?"

"Forget? Forget? Addison that's my baby in there! Our baby! How could I forget that you want to abort our baby?" His voice cracked, and his eyes shone with unshed tears. She looked at him almost sympathetically.

" Maybe forget isn't the BEST choice of words." She admitted.

"You're damn right it isn't."

"Mark I…"

"Do you even want a baby?" He asks her grief turning to anger.

"I want a baby Mark I do. You know that."

"No." He said trying his hardest to not loose control.. "I am not talking about A baby. I'm talking about THIS baby. OUR baby."

Addison looked down. Ashamed. Unable to answer. She didn't. Not then. As horrible as their relationship had always been she wanted Derek. She wanted Derek's baby. She wasn't ready to move on. Her hands moved sub cautiously to her tiny baby bump. She felt like she was going to be sick. When did she become this much of a screw up? No matter what choice she made someone would be getting hurt.

"That's great Addison…. Just great." Disappointment. She hated when he used his disappointed tone with her. It felt like she was being scolded.

"I'm sorry. You're right. We'll make it work." She said giving in. Out of guilt more than anything else. "I just… I need some time." Time for what? She didn't know. She saw the hurt in his eyes. She saw how much he desperately wanted this baby. She saw how his eyes lit up when she told him. How his face filled with joy as he presented her with that insane Yankees onesie, and a calendar with the baby's due date marked. Standing in front of him she felt like the worst human being on the face of the earth.

"Some time." He said…his tone a little more understanding. "Ok..." His voice calmer now.

"Ok." She whispered as he pulled her into his embrace and sank down on the bed with her. Holding her safe as the tears came and the sobs shook her body.

*END FLASHBACK*

" Do you think things would be different if Ella had survived?" He asked her, his voice gentle.

"I don't want to talk about this" She started and then "I should have died with her."

"No…. Baby you survived that accident for a reason." He said firmly.

Addison catches her breath to try and hold back tears as she thinks of that horrible night that haunts her nightmares.

*FLASHBACK*

She was 6 months initial impact of the two cars. Being slammed against the seatbelt and into the steering wheel so hard that she felt a ripping sensation in her abdomen and pain beyond anything she could have ever imagined. She knew even before she started bleeding that the accident had caused a placental abruption. Her diagnosis confirmed when she felt the gush of blood and fluid she felt as her water broke. The instant of grief and knowing that the baby was gone moments before the second car hit, and she passed out. The guilt of waking up in the hospital two weeks later feeling the emptiness in her abdomen. The guilt of being, alive and knowing she couldn't have done anything to protect the baby. The pain of never getting to hold her little girl in her arms, never getting to say goodbye.

*END FLASHBACK*

"Maybe." She whispered. "Things were going to be different." She said finally.

"They were. You would have been happier. We would have been a family. You'd never have gone back to Derek's abuse. I could have saved you." He whispered the last part. Not meaning to say it. But there it was. Word vomit.

"Thing's aren't different though.." She said sadly.

*FLASHBACK*

She had been heavily sedated in a medically induced coma due to her injuries. They were worried waking her would cause too much strain on her body as it recovered from the lifesaving surgeries that had to be done including an emergency c section to remove the lifeless baby from her mother's body. They were concerned that she would not be able to handle the physical and emotional pain of the whole ordeal.

Mark had arranged a photographer to come in from Now I lay me down to sleep. At some point between the emergency c section and the other surgeries they managed to get pictures of Ella. They got a picture of the too tiny Ella laying next to her. In this image they really could have just been sleeping. If only things had been different.

He knew she kept a miniature version of this picture and a picture of Ella's face tucked away in the locket that she always wore around her neck.

Derek has never found out about any of this. He just thought his adulterous whore of a wife had stayed with Mark after he had caught her and Mark together. He didn't care enough to call and check on her or find out things were anything other than perfect.

*END FLASHBACK*

"It's only been 2 years since the accident Addison." He said carefully. "It takes time." As much as he hated to admit it he had to have extensive therapy after they had lost the baby. He knew Addison hadn't been able to receive the same. Not to the level that he had. They couldn't face each other. Both lost in their own grief. The moment she had been given the all clear she left and returned to Seattle. To Derek. To the place where she could burry Ella's memory down deep and pretend as if she had never existed.

"I don't want this baby." She said. Her eyes filled with pain and hatred.

"I know." He said simply. "Do you have a plan?" He wanted to add other than drinking yourself to death. But he didn't, because tact. He didn't understand how he could be so calm now that it is her abusers baby, but nearly lost his shit when it was his. Still he knew that being forced to carry her abusers baby to term against her will could do her more harm than good.

"No."

"I'll help you. We'll figure out what to do together." He said as he stroked her beautiful red hair.

"You will?". She asked timidly.

"I will." He confirmed. "You should know after all these years that I'll always be here for you." She nodded, unable to stop the exhaustion as she fell to sleep, for the first time in forever feeling safe in someone's arms.

*Authors note*

Thank you for reading chapter 2 of Breaking Free. Please feel free to leave comments, questions, reviews, and suggestion if you'd like.