Chapter Two
I kept my promise to Carlisle in mind all week. I thought it would have made it easier, but instead, it felt like a timer.
True to his word, he didn't bring it up at all, but I knew he was watching. Every time I gave up sleeping in my own bed, and every time I chose to sleep on the couch instead. Every heavy sigh that resulted in a yawn. Every second I was lost in my thoughts.
Edward had been around some, but I wasn't worried about that. It would have just been a rerun for him. He'd heard it all before, and it wasn't exactly like I was trying to hide anything. I was doing exactly what I told Carlisle I'd be doing.
But the pressure I put on myself to get over whatever I needed to get over was the opposite of helpful. If anything, it stalled me even more. As hard as I tried, I was only making it worse on myself.
Before I even knew it, my birthday was just a few hours away, and I wasn't even tempted to try sleeping in my room. The living room was silent, despite its other occupants. I snoozed, curled on the couch while Emmett sat watching TV, the volume too low for me to even hear, inches from my feet.
While I carefully allowed myself to drift just passed the snoozing stage, closer to falling asleep, I felt myself watched more than the TV was. I knew my time was up, and I'd failed. I'd have to keep my end of the agreement after this. I hated it, but I had no choice anymore.
I broke my own rule that night, despite how it wasn't my choice. I fell too far asleep. When I got there, the dreams I fell into were familiar, but they never stopped scaring me.
"Shorty."
Somewhere in the middle of fighting myself awake, the pain fully brought me around. I was actually kneeling up on the couch, with no memory of sitting up much less kneeling, but my entire hand was currently throbbing in pain.
I opened my suddenly tear-blurry eyes and clutched my hand to my chest as I struggled to figure out what the hell had just happened.
"Damn." Emmett's voice beside the couch had me look over. "Are you okay?" He stood further back. Carlisle stood closer to me, but not close enough to make my panic worse. Both very concerned, and I was starting to figure out why.
"I'm sorry." I managed to gasp out through left-over panic.
"Don't be." Emmett replied, still worried. I fought to catch my breath.
"What even happened?" I asked, looking up at Emmett again.
"It looked like you were trying to suffocate yourself." He answered. "I was just trying to move the blanket a little bit, and you were having none of that. I should have moved, but I never expected that kind of fight from you, shorty."
"I hit you?" I winced up at him.
"If I was human, that slap would have knocked me on my ass." I gasped a small laugh through my pain, clutching tighter to my hand, but I could tell by the way the pain was lessening that I would be okay. If it was an open-handed slap, it wouldn't do as much damage to my hand as a punch would have.
"Ow." I whimpered, chancing a peek down. "Why's your face gotta be so hard?"
It was so disorienting waking up like this. I tensed a little as Carlisle reached for my hand, but I quickly corrected myself. Allowing him to take it.
"Still." Emmett replied. "That was impressive, but I still don't get what that was."
Carlisle continued closely but gently inspecting the bones of my right hand. I flinched only a little at a particularly sore spot, which he clearly noted.
"She fell asleep." Carlisle explained quietly.
"If she did that because she fell asleep, what's she been doing this whole time?" Emmett asked, confused.
"Exactly my point." Carlisle replied.
"There was so much effort in that." Emmett pointed out, sitting back down beside me. "I've never seen her so scared." I felt how pale I was, but the shock of the pain must have made it easier to get me out of those dream emotions. That was the only explanation I could think of.
Esme approached from the left, and I glanced over at her as she reached my side. Sitting to my free side on the couch and smoothing my hair sadly.
"If I did that because I fell asleep, why would I wanna do it again?" I asked, frowning.
"To answer that, I would first need to explain how the human mind works." Carlisle replied. "Everything you experience in your life is stored subconsciously and recalled in pieces when it's needed, but trauma tends to mess a lot of things up. Fitting itself in where it doesn't belong, and when you deny yourself the chance to process that trauma, it makes every day life a lot more difficult than it has to be."
I understood that a lot more than I was sure he knew.
"And sleep makes me process it?" I frowned.
"In a way, I suppose you could say it does." He said. "Talking about it is one way, but you also need sleep. Sleep allows your subconscious to sort out the details it thinks it needs to keep. This is what makes up most of your dreams and even your memories. The rest is forgotten." He sighed, gently releasing my hand. "But to do this, you need to reach a much deeper level of restorative sleep than you've been reaching."
I was silent, now listening closely.
"What concerns me, Leandra, is the fact that your subconscious seems to be stuck on so many key points of your past." He went on. "Rather than allowing you to let new experiences take the place of old ones, it's holding onto the old ones and it seems to be warning you against the new ones. Everyone experiences and processes trauma differently, but I really think your lack of sleep has a rather large impact on your ability to get through that trauma."
"But I don't sleep because of it." I was so confused.
"Exactly." He replied. "Humans are designed to fall asleep at a certain point, and when that basic instinct to rest is denied, it throws everything else off balance for a very long time. Your sleep was disturbed, nearly nightly, for years. It trained you to expect and to fear that disturbance, which is also part of the reason why you tend to get anxious as night is falling. But that's another discussion entirely.
"It's taken me a long time to really understand what Jack was attempting to accomplish." He went on, gentler now because of the sensitive subject. "It's not really an angle I would expect from someone like him, but to train you the extent that he has, in the specific way that he has, had to have taken some kind of understanding of the impact of his actions on your mind. Meaning, he had to have known exactly what he was doing, and intend to inflict the damage he has. But again, I digress."
"Dumb it down a little, dad." Emmett piped up. "I think we're losing her."
"My main concern here, is sleep." Carlisle said. "The fact that you haven't gotten nearly the amount of sleep you need in years is holding you back from fully processing recent trauma. The more you sleep, the easier it is to understand your trauma in a healthy way. Not sleeping is allowing everything to get worse, and when your mind is that exhausted and running for so long, things tend to get mixed up."
He'd told me before that sleep was just as important to a human as eating, drinking, and breathing. He'd just never gone into a explanation like this before.
"When things get mixed up like that, your mind has a hard time distinguishing reality from memories. You reacted toward Emmett tonight the same way you would have reacted to anyone disturbing your sleep in the past, by fighting, because your mind was confused. That confusion is caused by the burden it's under due to your lack of sleep. Especially recently."
That made sense.
"I'm insisting on the sleep aid because as painful as those memories are, your mind needs you to sort through those to make progress." He explained further. "Your mind is under far too much stress with everything you've experienced, and it hasn't had a chance to process it yet. It needs that chance, Leandra. Just think of it as a boost. A little help to keep you settled in the sleep you desperately need. It's not a punishment. I can't stress that enough."
I knew he wasn't pushing it to hurt me. He only wanted to help me. I could really see it now. All he wanted was to help me the only way he could. I needed this. My way wasn't working. It never had been.
"Your hand is okay." He murmured, and I knew he thought I was still against it. I was quiet for a few seconds, looking down at my hand. Turning it over to look at my palm before slowly closing my fist. It ached, but it wasn't painful anymore.
"Okay." I finally mumbled, and I glanced at him. "I'll take the stupid pill. I trust you." If he believed that this would only help me, I believed it too. I had to. If this would make living with whatever was in my head just a little easier, I'd try it.
"You're sure, shorty?" Emmett asked, just as surprised as I knew Carlisle was. I had to swallow my nervousness, but I nodded.
"I'll only give you half of what you'll be taking, so you're not too tired tomorrow." Carlisle explained, and again, I nodded. "For obvious reasons, I think it'll be best to have you sleep in our room tonight."
That was probably a very good idea. Until I could get through whatever this was, I shouldn't try sleeping in my room again, but the couch was not a good idea anymore either.
"Okay." I mumbled. I wouldn't be stubborn about that anymore either. He sadly nodded as well. He knew how hard this was for me, but he also knew I couldn't possibly get any lower. I needed his help to pull me back up.
I kept my eyes down as he stood up and left the room. Knowing his reasons didn't make this any easier.
It was strange going upstairs to sleep. I'd slept in their bed before, while they were gone, so this was pretty familiar to me, but never while they were here. Nobody said anything about it, and I knew why. If they had given their opinion on my suddenly cooperative mood, there was a big chance I'd talk myself out of it.
I'd been given pain medication that made me sleepy while I was in the hospital, but that was nothing like actually having to choose to take it.
As soon as I was sat in bed, Esme sat beside me. I had to admit that this bed was a lot more comfortable than the couch, and I couldn't deny the amount of safety I felt right where I was. Being so far away from my room, and knowing nothing bad had ever happened in here was comforting.
Carlisle walked in and I knew what he had cupped in the palm of his hand. A small glass of water in his other.
"I remember the first time Jack made me take something like that." I mumbled nervously. "He told me that it would make everything not so bad, but he lied. It made everything so much worse."
"I'm sure this won't be as strong as what he gave you." Carlisle assured me. "And I promise you'll be completely safe."
"I know." I sighed, trying to steel myself. "It's just hard not to be afraid of it."
"I understand." He nodded gently. With a slightly trembling hand, I reached up to take the half pill from his hand. This was the furthest I'd ever gotten, but I knew I couldn't stop now, or I'd definitely change my mind.
"Maybe it'll be like before." I was trying to be optimistic. "When Andrew was here, and maybe I won't dream that much."
I didn't need a reply. Closing my eyes, not giving myself a chance to look at it or pause, I took the pill with a few large gulps of water. Esme took the glass gently when I was done, smoothing my hair in a comforting gesture.
I wasn't sure how long it'd take to kick in, so I laid down and curled up with a nervous whimper to wait for it.
"I know how difficult this is for you." Carlisle told me. "I wouldn't be suggesting this if I didn't believe it'd help you." I nodded a little, taking a deep breath.
"Can you leave the light on?" I asked quietly. "Until I fall asleep?" I wanted as much light around me as possible.
"Of course." He replied with a nod. It seemed he was going to stay for a little bit as well. I didn't mind that.
"I just need it to stay on." I mumbled, despite the way I knew they knew that. "It can't be turned off."
"It'll stay on." He repeated, "I promise. Just rest now. Close your eyes."
I heard something in his voice he probably didn't mean to let through. A deep sort of sadness that nearly reached my own. I'd heard it once before, the first night I had to spend with my mom. It bothered him to see me sad or suffering. I knew that before, but it made me feel better about giving in and giving his way a try.
I took a few seconds, but I did as he asked. Letting my eyes close and taking a deep breath. Esme reached over from beside me and started gently stroking my hair. Almost like she was petting me, but in the way a mother would. I allowed the contact to comfort me, and though I fidgeted a few times, I never pulled away. I appreciated it.
Another few minutes of laying there, I could tell it was starting to work, and though I didn't fight it, I could feel how bad I wanted to.
"Don't leave." I whimpered, half asleep. "Please don't leave."
"We're not going anywhere. Sleep, sweetie." Esme assured me gently. That was all I was awake to hear.
It wasn't a choice to fall asleep. It just happened. Like I didn't have the strength to stay awake anymore and I was being pulled there. I hated that feeling, and it scared me as much as it could, but it didn't make a difference. I tried not to let it feel like I was leaving or going anywhere. Instead I told myself that I would still be okay when I woke up.
Esme was still sitting there when I did find myself starting to wake up. It took a few tries to wake up, even falling back to sleep for another half hour, but I eventually managed to open my eyes to mid-morning light outside.
It was hazy, but I knew I did dream. It was trying to come back to me, and it was starting to, but it was taking its time. Whatever I did recall from my dreams, though, weren't anything like I expected. Dull and uninteresting, mostly little side notes of the nightmares. The parts I didn't normally care about.
I did remember stirring enough to feel the heartbreak that drew tears from my closed eyes, but it was nothing like I was used to feeling. I wasn't afraid, but hurting in another way. I had no idea what caused it, but it didn't matter half a minute later when I just fell back to sleep.
It was the waking up part that I hated the most. The way it felt to be so weak and disoriented, even with as low a dose as I'd been given. The involuntary inventory taking, waiting for the pain my mind expected to be there.
"I hate this." I whimpered when I could.
"You'll start to shake it off soon." She assured me quietly. It messed with my head too much, and it shook me. The emotions of what I'd done were catching up to me. On top of feeling sick, and whether that was an emotional response or a physical response, I wasn't sure.
I jumped awake again probably minutes later at Esme's hand smoothing my hair back again. I hadn't even realized I was trying to fall back to sleep.
Sitting up did help. It eased my emotions and helped me to shake off the pill. Going downstairs and seeing most of the decorations already in place woke me up a little more. I was surprised I hadn't heard a thing all morning. I still felt it, but maybe an hour of being upright, it became a lot less noticeable instead of lasting the entire day.
My earlier emotions were still there, but they were comforted significantly by my favorite blueberry pancakes Esme made me for breakfast. I sure wasn't complaining. I could easily eat at least four of them.
As active as my mind had been, it did feel good to get as much sleep as I had. Other than the effects of the pill, the fog was lifting. My thoughts felt more focused, and less chaotic. Overall, I believed Carlisle even more, and it only reinforced that trust I'd given him the night before. I was now far more willing to try it again when I needed to.
"Happy birthday!"
I jumped a little, looking over at Alice's sudden arrival at my side. Grinning like the happiest person in the world.
"As soon as you're done here, it's time to get moving." She went on. "Your dad and his family are almost here, and Andrew and his dad are coming over by two."
I was surprised to hear my dad was coming, but not enough to make me leave my pancakes. I was a little worried about having so many people over today. I completely dreaded seeing my little sister.
I knew it would take more than a few hours of sleep to fix me, and they were all bound to notice.
I took a quick shower just to wake myself up a little more, and it worked. I changed out of my pajamas for the first time in days, and that even helped wake me up a little. I sat there with my eyes closed, wincing as Alice brushed my slightly damp hair. She sat on the back of the couch, me on the cushion in front of her.
"Ow." I whined as the knock came to the door. "Quit pulling."
"Just sit still would you?" She laughed. "I'm almost done."
"Nobody cares how my hair looks." I grumbled. I really shouldn't have been complaining. It was only a simple ponytail, but it felt like it was taking forever.
"I care." She replied. "And I'm not done yet." I tried to look over at the sound of my dad's voice talking to Emmett who'd answered the door, but Alice kept me from doing so.
I hadn't seen him in months. Not since December. Here it was mid-July.
"Hurry up.." I sighed. She laughed, and a few seconds later, she let me go. I stood and made my way over. Ignoring everybody else with him as I hugged my dad in greeting.
"Wow, kiddo." He said. "You've grown."
"I hear that a lot." I said, looking up at him. "I don't even notice."
"You definitely have." He laughed.
"We replace your clothes as you need them." Alice explained, laughing a little at my surprise as she followed me over.
"Oh." I said, and that was entirely possible, too. I never looked at the sizes of anything before I put it on. I'd never even question a new pair of jeans or t-shirt either. I just figured that was Alice having too much fun at the mall. Showed how much I paid attention. If it wasn't a dress, I didn't mind.
I couldn't help thinking, though. Where I was no was so far from where I'd come from. I still remembered what it was like having three outfits total, and having to wash whatever I'd worn that day in the bathtub by hand.
Now I had more clothes than I could ever realistically wear. More outfits than I could even really keep track of. That was such a strange feeling to me. One I'd probably never get used to.
"Way to stay on top of things." My dad laughed in reply to Alice. "A good tip for this one."
He put his hand on Lily's head, and I finally noticed that she'd grown as well. She'd grown so much. Still the size of an average six year old, but compared to where she was before, there was a sizable difference.
"Dad." She whined a laugh, pushing his hand off her head.
"Oh, and who is this?" Alice asked, smiling at the baby cradled in Rachel's arm. I'd completely forgotten about the fact that Rachel had been pregnant the last time I saw her. I was definitely reminded now by the baby I was looking at. It was only a few months old, still looking very much like a tiny baby.
I made a face, but looked up at it. Given the pink clothing, it was another daughter. The pink pacifier also gave it away. She was wide awake, and curious, but laying still.
Just like that, I had a baby sister. I couldn't remember ever being around a baby, so I hadn't the slightest clue what to expect.
"This is Kaylee." Rachel replied, laughing a little and bouncing her. "And she's a handful."
"How can babies be a handful?" I frowned. "Just put it in a drawer or something."
"I already tried that." Lily replied sadly, looking up as well.
"May I?" Alice asked, offering to take her.
"By all means." Rachel said, moving to hand her the creature. "Please. Just be careful. She's been hating strangers lately."
Alice didn't seem the type to like babies, but I guess I was wrong. Kaylee seemed to really like her as well, grinning behind the pacifier at the way Alice cuddled her. The tone of her voice had changed too.
Alice led the way into the living room, and we all followed. Making it to the couch just as Carlisle and Esme descended the stairs. Rosalie directly behind them.
I found that a little odd, because Rosalie was never part of a welcoming committee. If someone came over, she always came downstairs once everyone was settled, if she decided to show up at all. Now she right there, and immediately at Alice's side.
She'd never smiled at me like that.
I actually didn't know how to feel at first. It confused me how something so tiny could immediately take so much attention just by being here.
"You get used to it. They'll calm down in a minute, and they'll remember you're alive." Lily muttered, and I looked over at her. She must have read my expression like a book. "Then someone will pay attention to you, just so you don't feel left out."
"Does that happen a lot?"
"All the time." She pouted a little up at me. "Every day for like four. Whole. Months." She accentuated every word more than necessary, and oddly, I totally understood it. More than that, I suddenly felt a little sympathetic toward her. Especially at the cooing peals of laughter from the other side of the room.
Esme was right beside Alice with Kaylee still in her arms. Kaylee seemed even more infatuated with Esme than with Alice, and a spark of jealousy settled into my heart. I was beginning to really dislike that baby.
"So, Leandra." Rachel sighed, sitting down and effectively distracting me. "How have you been, honey?"
Lily nudged me, giving me a flat look. "See?"
I did see, but I still didn't mind Rachel that much. She'd been nothing but kind to me, and I could tell she really cared. Even though I was still pretty distracted at the fact that a baby was replacing me as we spoke, I still managed to focus on her question.
I shrugged.
"I'm okay." I replied. I really didn't want to get into it.
"Anything new?" My dad asked, sitting down beside Rachel. I didn't really know how to answer that. I didn't know how much they were allowed to know. I looked over at Carlisle.
"She's been having a little bit of trouble." Carlisle answered for me. I would have preferred that anyway.
"Oh." My dad replied with an apologetic look. "I'm sorry to hear that. This trouble has something to do with sleep, I gather." He leaned forward. Interested, but just as concerned as Rachel.
"Nightmares." Emmett confirmed, and I tossed a heated glare toward him.
"Don't be embarrassed, sweetie." Rachel said. "It's really understandable considering the life you used to live." She looked toward Esme. "Has she been seeing anyone to help her with it?"
"Here and there." Esme answered. "It depends on her cooperation, but not lately."
"It's probably best not to force her." Rachel agreed. "It won't do much good to make her go when she's not ready to talk. Some people are never ready."
"Anything we can do?" My dad asked, and I sighed. This was exactly what I didn't want.
"Can we talk about something else?"
"You're right. I'm sorry." My dad nodded. "So.. I hear you've been adopted." I smiled instantly at just being reminded, and I nodded. He obviously knew the best subject to change the conversation to. "I'm really happy for you, honey. I would have called, but life has just been so crazy lately. With that one coming a little early, we weren't as ready as we thought, apparently."
"It's okay." I said. "I'm just glad you're okay with it."
"Honey, I know how much they mean to you. You're allowed to live the life you want to live. I'm just happy to have the opportunity to keep you in my life. However much I can with living so far away." He smiled and glanced to Rachel. "Speaking of living so far away.. How are the schools here?"
"You're moving closer?" I asked, surprised. I hadn't expected this.
"We've been going over everything, and I think it's a good idea. There are plenty of places she can work around here. Even several opportunities for me to open a store here in town, and I know it'll do well. Probably better than in Sandpoint, given how few others like it there are here." He nodded. "I think it'd be good to come back here."
"You wouldn't miss Idaho?" I asked hesitantly. "Your family is there."
"My family is everywhere." He laughed. "They're all so busy with their own lives and raising their own kids. Nothing is stopping us from visiting them." He'd clearly put a lot of thought into it already.
"It's up to you." I laughed as well. "When?"
"Well, we still have some things to take care of there first, but I think sometime within the next few months. We wanted to be completely sure before letting you know." He paused. "You're just growing so fast, and I wanted so much to be a part of it. However small that part might be, I'll be around to see it."
I smiled, looking down. That smile faded as I realized he wouldn't be completely part of it. He didn't know how different I really was.
My dad's family, Andrew and his dad, and Heather, Zack, and Josh were the extent of my human relationships. I hadn't really been tempted to change that for a long while. Especially considering the entire town hating me there for a little while.
I never asked why I wasn't sent back to school after the last day of being suspended back in May, but I didn't need to. Going back to school wasn't a subject that was usually approached, though I was curious whether or not they were brave enough to try it.
My dad didn't know about my dreams, and the dark turn they'd taken since December. There was so much about my life that he didn't know.
"Um.." I said, not looking up yet. "How much do you know about the last couple of months?"
"Not very much, unfortunately." He sighed. "And that's my fault. I should have called."
"Maybe you should know first." I mumbled. "Before making up your mind. There's a lot you should know first." I looked to Carlisle again. I still really didn't know how much was okay to tell him, but maybe now would be a good time to fill him in a little bit about what he was signing on for.
My past had a way of coming back to haunt me, and my reputation had gotten me into enough trouble. I didn't want him or worse, Lily to suffer because someone found out they were related to me. Given how alike Lily and I looked, it wouldn't be hard to figure out.
"I agree." Carlisle replied.
Sensing the sudden tension, Rachel spoke up. "Lily, why don't you and Leandra go into the kitchen for a few minutes?"
"Okay, momma." For once, Lily wasn't being a little snot.
I figured that it was a better idea to let Carlisle handle this, so I stood up and led her out of the room and into the kitchen. She sighed and grabbed a soda from the bowl of ice on the counter. I did the same.
Lily's reply to Rachel stuck with me a little bit. I wanted to start calling Esme 'mom'. After all, it had been kind of official for awhile by now. I wished I could make that switch, but I wasn't sure.
I put that thought away for later.
Instead, I studied Lily. She was the same age I was when my life was changed for the darker. When Jack decided to change me for the darker. It was a memory I'd never lose, but the way I looked at it now was so different than I used to.
I understood a lot more about it now than I did before, but that didn't make it hurt any less. Lily was the same age I was when most of my nightmares first began, and knowing that made me really wonder.
What could Jack have ever seen in me that he hated so much?
I'd probably never get the answer to that. It was just something I'd have to learn how to accept eventually.
"So." She said quietly after a few moments. "I don't really know you."
"I know." I said, shrugging a little. "And I don't know you."
"But dad says we're moving here to be closer to you." She said. "I just don't get it. If you're my sister, how come you live with another family? Nobody's ever really told me." I looked at her, thinking. She obviously really didn't understand. She wasn't trying to pick a fight.
"Okay." I finally said. "Come on. I'll tell you." I sighed and led her from the kitchen. I wanted to walk while I told her this. I looked to Esme. "We'll be outside for a minute." She nodded, and I heard Carlisle explaining. It would be awhile before he was done.
"Okay." I said again once the front door was closed. "I'm only your half sister, since we have different moms." She nodded, following along beside me.
I glanced down at her, making sure she was listening. "Our dad was married to my mom, before he was married to yours. That's where I came from. Well, a long time ago, my mom divorced dad, and he wasn't allowed to see me anymore."
"What's a divorce?" She asked curiously.
"It's where two married people figure out they don't want to be married anymore, so they quit being married."
"Oh." She nodded.
I hesitated, thinking about how to keep going. How to sum up my hellish life in a way a six year old would understand?
"Well.." I started here. "My mom remarried a different man, and dad still wasn't allowed to be in my life."
"Why not?"
"I dunno." I sighed. "I still don't get it myself."
"Oh." She repeated, nodding again.
"It was because of my mom's second marriage that I had to leave, and come live here. Trust me, living here was a million times better than where I was living before, so I was okay with it."
"What was wrong with living with your mom?" She asked. "You said something last year about her not being there. Where was she?"
"That's.." I sighed. "Probably not a good idea to tell you yet, because it'll only confuse you."
"Just try."
"She was there." I allowed. "She was there, living with us, but she wasn't paying attention to what was going on."
"See?" She asked. "I got that. Was that so hard?" She was quiet, so I continued.
"When dad finally showed up, I was comfortable here. I really wanted to stay, because to me, dad was just a stranger. I hadn't even seen him since I was two, and I didn't know him then. Well, in order for me to stay, he had to sign away his rights. He had to say he wouldn't be responsible for me anymore." I explained before she could ask. "So they couldn't force me to leave my family here, and go live with you guys."
"Dad's a nice guy." She said. "Why wouldn't you want to come live with us?"
"I know he's a nice guy now. But I didn't back then." I paused, looking for the right way to describe it. "Before I came here, I wasn't being treated right. I was treated really bad there, but when I came here, I was treated much better. I didn't know what it was like to be treated better, and so.. When I finally was, I wanted to keep it. Leaving here to go live with you guys was too risky for me."
"Oh." She said, nodding. "Okay. I get it now. You were afraid?"
"Yeah." I admitted. "I was. I didn't know dad back then, so leaving everything I had here to go with him wasn't something I wanted to try."
"I get it now." She repeated. "Why wouldn't anyone just tell me that?"
"Probably because you're so young. They probably didn't think you'd get it." I explained. "They do that to me a lot, too."
She nodded. I was a little relieved she accepted my explanation so easily. I didn't have to go into any specifics.
"You know what?" She asked.
"What?" I asked, looking down at her.
"I like you." She said, nodding. I smiled a little. "Makes it not so bad that we're moving here."
"You don't want to move?" I asked, and she sighed.
"Not really, I guess. I'll just miss my friends." She explained, and I nodded.
"I'll share my friends with you." I said. "I kinda like them."
"You finally got friends?" She asked and I sighed, looking down at her. "I know, I know, but you didn't have any last year." That was true.
"Yeah, I got friends." I answered. "It was kinda hard, though."
"Why?" She asked.
"I don't trust a lot of people." I answered. "It takes a lot for me to make friends."
"Are they coming here today?" She asked curiously.
"I think so."
She seemed happy about that, and that confused me a little. I actually couldn't wait for Andrew to get here, but I was a little nervous about the other two.
I hadn't seen Josh or Zack in so long. I honestly didn't know how they took the news of Jack's death. They were filled in a little bit about who Jack was to me, as Andrew had filled them in a little bit before everything went to shit the night of the graduation party just over a month ago, but I had yet to really catch up with them. It bothered me to leave it like that.
That had to have gotten to them, though. They'd grown up knowing Jack as a nice guy. Then I come along, tell them the truth about him, and just a few days later, he's gone forever.
As we were just heading inside, though, I looked up, moving Lily and I to the side and up on the porch at the sight of Heather's new car coming up the drive into the yard. Her other one had been used to set up that car accident, but I was pretty sure she wasn't going to turn down a brand new one, and she didn't.
I was glad to see her, and confirm for myself that she was okay.
Not having seen the boys for almost a solid month, I almost didn't recognize Josh, as he'd clearly reached a growth spurt. His hair was longer, coming almost to the tops of his ears. Not to mention how much taller he'd gotten. Maybe an inch or two, at the most, but it was definitely enough to make me sure feel smaller.
Even Zack had changed. Not quite as much as Josh, but it was enough. He'd gotten even more taller than me since I'd last seen them, and his hair had grown a bit as well. I still easily recognized his silly smile, though.
"Holy crap." I laughed as they stepped out of the car. "What happened?"
"You're taller." Zack noted, which surprised me. How was I changing without even noticing?
"Not like you." I replied, looking at Josh specifically.
"And you got a minion." Zack pointed out, looking at Lily.
I looked over as Heather approached. I accepted her gentle hug, returning it with a tight one of my own. She still seemed perfectly fine, but just remembering that day made me hug her tighter.
"Happy birthday, sweetheart." She murmured, allowing me to pull back and looking down at me.
"Thanks." I mumbled. "I'm glad you could come."
"We wouldn't miss it." She replied, smiling a little. She looked beside me. "Who's this?"
"Oh." I remembered about her. "Guys, this is Lily. My sister, I guess."
"You guess?" Zack laughed.
"We have different moms." I explained, and he nodded.
"It's nice to meet you, honey." Heather smiled at her, which Lily returned. "I'm Heather." I also remembered something.
"My dad's inside." I mentioned quietly. I was pretty sure she'd appreciate a heads up, considering she hadn't seen him since I was a baby. They used to be friends.
"Chris?" She asked, needing confirmation. I nodded. She nodded as well, glancing toward the door.
"That's Zack, and that's Josh." I went on with the introduction as Heather quietly excused herself. It was probably a good idea to let that reunion happen by itself. I didn't want to get in the way.
Josh seemed amused by the look she gave him.
"You didn't tell me your friends were boys." She whispered in a very serious tone. She clearly disapproved. Andrew hadn't even gotten there yet.
"What's wrong with that?" I asked, and she seemed hesitant.
"Boys are weird." She replied.
"It's a good thing I'm weird then, huh?"
"I didn't know you had a sister." Josh grinned. "She's so cute."
"Half sister." Lily obviously didn't like him, given her tone. I laughed a little, remembering clearly just how much I didn't like Josh when I first met him. I guessed Lily and I had more in common than I thought.
"And she's six, so be nice." I said, pointing to Josh in particular.
"I'm always nice." He replied, and I had to admit. He might have been annoyingly confident sometimes, but he wasn't mean.
"You guys look alike." Zack pointed out.
"You guys look alike." I countered, and he laughed.
"Duh. We have the same parents." He countered right back.
Our discussion was cut short at the sound of another car coming. I knew who it was before they even made it to the yard, taking a step forward. Sure enough, Richard's car pulled up.
I greeted Andrew with a hug as soon as he stepped out, which he returned.
"Hey." He laughed. "Guess we're a little late."
"We beat you here." Zack teased with a smile.
Richard came around to our side, joining us. I knew he'd been worried about me since he saw me last week, but he seemed to feel better by witnessing the way I greeted his son.
For a second, I considered how strange it was. In a way, I had a lot more parents than just two. Heather worried about me because she'd bonded to me as a baby, and Richard was one of the cops in on my case from the beginning. I was pretty sure they cared about me like one of their own.
My dad and Rachel was a given.
Then there was my family. I knew the others let Carlisle and Esme be the parents, but every one of them had something to teach me. It was something I couldn't help but notice.
"Another boy?" Lily had wandered over.
"Yeah." I replied, reminded. "Lily, this is Andrew. Andrew, Lily. My sister."
He smiled at her, and she returned it. She seemed fine with Andrew. Even waving a little in greeting. Maybe she was more comfortable by the way there was only one of him. Zack was a lot to handle on his own, but add in Josh to that, and it was a little overwhelming. I remembered that.
"Happy birthday, honey." Richard hugged me lightly into his side, which I carefully returned.
"Thanks." I replied quietly. I still wasn't sure about my birthday.
"I take it your dad's here?" Andrew asked, and I nodded.
"Yeah, they're inside with the baby."
"Baby?" Andrew asked, surprised.
"My other sister." I nodded again. "They're talking to Carlisle about moving here."
"Oh boy." Josh laughed. "They're going to have so much fun in this town."
"Shut up." I grumbled, and he gave me a look.
"Can we go inside now?" Lily asked, taking my hand. That surprised me that she'd do that, but I realized by looking down at her how shy she was feeling. Half hiding behind my arm as she looked at them.
"Yeah." I said. "Yeah. Come on, guys. Let's go inside." I led the way up the steps, holding onto Lily's hand since she didn't seem to want to let it go.
"Leandra?" Andrew called, and I looked back at him. "Can I talk to you for a minute?" I glanced down at Lily.
"Yeah." I said. "Just.. Wait here for a second. I'll be right back."
I led Lily inside. I thought she might like an escort, given the several new people just behind us. One of which she didn't like. I knew I probably would have wanted an escort by someone I knew. I still did. As shy as she was, I knew that it was just that. Her being shy.
I didn't have any experience whatsoever at being an older sister, but I found it easier imagining what I would want when I was her age, or in her position.
I introduced Josh and Zack really quickly to my dad and Rachel, and excused myself for a minute. I practically ran back to the door, closing it behind me.
I smiled at Andrew still standing there. "What's up?"
"I wanted to ask." He murmured. "Did you sleep?" Since last week.
"I got a lot of sleep last night." I assured him, and he nodded. I didn't even need to get into details. He was fine with that.
"And I won't say anything about.. Anything to them." He added quietly.
"Thanks." I hadn't realized I was worried about that. "Yeah, I can just hear Josh's teasing now. Zack would be cool, but Josh.. I already feel enough like a baby."
"Nah." He replied. "Josh wouldn't tease you about it. At least I don't think so."
"Do you know how they're doing?" I asked hesitantly. "I mean.. About Jack." I felt like I wanted some kind of heads up if they were pissed at me.
He looked down briefly. "They don't talk about it much, but I'm pretty sure their mom has been talking to them about it." I nodded. "How are you, though? My dad said that car accident was so random."
"It was raining that day." I muttered, keeping my eyes down. He still waited, so I took a breath. "I don't know. It's weird. I guess I try not to think about it much. I'm just glad he's gone, and maybe I can start figuring myself out."
"Me too." He sighed, putting his arm around my shoulders. I smiled a little, allowing it. He didn't know how much the simple action comforted me.
"They've changed." I pointed out. "A lot."
"Yeah." To my surprise, he frowned a little. "They're different. At least Josh is."
"What do you mean?" I asked, frowning as well. "He seems the same."
"He's.." Andrew sighed. "I don't know. Bossier."
"What do you mean?" I asked again, confused.
"They were over at my house yesterday, and you should have heard him bossing Zack around. Not just playing, either. It surprised me, because you know how those two are."
"Yeah." I agreed. "That doesn't sound like something Josh would do. Are you sure he wasn't just playing?"
"I don't know." He sighed. "Maybe he was. Zack didn't seem surprised by it, or even bothered, so maybe I was just looking too far into it." I nodded. I really hoped that was all it was. "But I really wanted to tell him to lay off. I just wasn't sure if I should."
"I'm sure it's okay, but I'll pay attention." He nodded as well, and I turned, leading him back toward the door. "I'm pretty good at reading people."
I sighed and sat down beside my dad, and Lily scooted over, changing her seat to directly beside me. It was interesting to me how shy she was, and how quickly she seemed to accept me already. Compared to last year, it was such a change, and a little unsettling to me, to be honest. Again, I'd never had any experience being an older sister. I was so used to being the youngest.
Esme and Rachel sat talking, so I thought I'd get talking a little myself. Hoping to combat the jealously of the infant babbling in Esme's arms, intently interested in her bracelets. The little demon.
"Please someone tell me something new." I piped up, and Zack laughed. I felt like I'd been cooped up for too long.
"We just got back from California." Zack offered hopefully, and that surprised me. Andrew nodded, as if reminded.
"Mom didn't go." Josh looked toward Heather, who shook her head.
"Trust me, I had my own little vacation here." She assured them with a smile.
"Why'd you go there?" I frowned.
"Duh. It's summer." Josh replied. "Like we're gonna hang around this place when there's sun right over there."
"Grandma invited us." Zack explained further, almost apologetically. "So we spent a few days with her." That made sense.
"So how was California?" I asked, still surprised by how much Josh and Zack had changed.
"Man, you don't even know." Josh grinned. "The beach is so much better when it's sunny and warm all the time. Nothing like the beaches around here. Here, the beaches are all rocky and it's almost never sunny. There, nothing but sand."
"That does sound nice." I commented. "I don't think I've ever been in the sun without some kind of cloud cover."
Arizona didn't count, because I was stuck inside the entire time we were there, and just the memory of the amount of distrust I felt back then made me uncomfortable. That wasn't one of my proudest moments.
"You really don't know what you're missing." Josh shook his head.
"Really?" Andrew asked. "Never?"
"Not that I remember." I shrugged. "I was born here."
"I took you to Port Angeles on a sunny day." My dad said. "But that was so long ago, I'm not surprised you don't remember it."
"Well, we've definitely got to fix that." Alice murmured, looking to Esme.
"We should have asked dad to take you along." Josh said. "You would have loved it. I know you would have. Maybe you wouldn't be so pale." He joked, and I stuck my tongue out at him.
He seemed to remember something. "Oh. It's not wrapped or anything, but.." He stood, reaching into his back pocket, pulling out what at first looked like a bracelet, but it was too big. He handed it to me. "It's a choker." Oh, a necklace.
Ironic, I thought. I looked it over, smiling a little. Tiny, clear green beads held together by a light tan thick sort of thread with a simple clasp in the back.
"Thank you." I said, and he smiled in return.
"Happy birthday." He said. "Here." He offered to put it on for me. I let him, moving my hair for him. Lily moved back as he leaned over, reaching up. He gently clasped it into place, and stepped back, smiling. "I was right. The beads do match your eyes." I laughed a little, looking down. Surprised at the blush that came to my cheeks.
I honestly didn't know what to say to that. I reached up and touched it where it settled into place.
"See?" He nudged Zack. "Told you it wasn't stupid."
"No." I said, shaking my head. "No, I really like it. Thank you."
"Anyway." Zack continued, somewhat irritated. Josh laughed a little as I looked to Zack, confused. "Back to what we were saying."
"Yeah." Josh nodded, sitting back down. "You've definitely got to visit there some time. Trust me, you won't be disappointed."
"The sun wasn't even the best part about the beach." Zack said, chuckling a little. His previous irritation obviously gone.
"Then what was?" I asked, curious.
"The girls." Both he and Josh answered at the same time. Laughing. I rolled my eyes, sighing as I leaned back. Even Emmett got the biggest smirk, and I wanted to throw my shoe at him.
"What about them?" Lily asked, confused.
"Everything." Josh replied. "Their-"
"Uh." Emmett spoke up. "If that's going where I think it's going, we should probably fix that answer."
"Um, okay." Josh said. "Their.. Hair."
"Their hair was always so long and pretty." Zack agreed, smiling.
"Oh." She said, her tone suggesting she questioned their sanity. She looked to me and I looked to her. "Told you boys are weird."
"I'm starting to agree with you." I told her, and she giggled.
To my surprise, the day went very well. With so many people in one room, I half expected to feel closed in or claustrophobic, but I never did. Despite how tired I was the entire time, I managed to have quite a few laughs.
The only time I really got uncomfortable was when my dad insisted I hold Kaylee.
"Is she gonna bite me?" I asked, trying to figure out a way to have the least amount of contact with her.
"No." My dad laughed, standing with a camera in his hands. "She's a baby, not a raccoon." Lily and I looked at each other, laughing at that thought. Quickly, he managed to snap that picture. "Ha. Almost guaranteed, I won't get another like that one in a million years."
I knew enough to know to support her, which was pretty hard to do, considering she liked to move. I was not only grossed out, but terrified I would drop her or something. Even sitting down.
"Oh god, she's drooling on me." I whined. "And I think she peed."
"You get used to that." Lily told me, laughing at the look on my face. "Just be glad she hasn't barfed on you yet."
"She does that, too?" I asked, nervously adjusting her on my lap.
"Yeah, sometimes." Lily nodded. "The first time she did that to me, I cried. Now it's no big deal. It's gross, but she doesn't mean it." She reached over and pulled Kaylee from my lap, settling her securely on her own. She'd obviously had more experience with her, for which I was grateful.
There were so many more pictures taken this time than my last birthday. Both from my family, and my dad. I found I didn't mind.
There were pictures taken of me with Andrew, Josh and Zack, as well as me with my dad and Lily, or just me and him, or just me and Lily. Mostly for my dad's benefit, as I was sure he was trying to make up for all the time he'd missed. Now that me and Lily got along a little better, he had a chance to.
Carlisle, Esme and I. All the "kids" of my family and me, Esme took over taking the pictures of that one. I didn't mind. Not in the least. I was actually in a good mood, and I knew that reflected in my smile, though I was sure Jasper was helping quite a bit with that.
The longer the day went on without a problem, I hoped I could take that as a sign that the next year of my life would be better.
Unfortunately, my dad had to leave around nine that night, as both of the kids were exhausted, and Lily wasn't feeling well thanks to eating too much candy right before cake. Lily sat in Rachel's arms after I'd said goodbye to them as Rachel carried her to the car, and Kaylee lay sleeping in my dad's arm.
"I stayed as long as I could, honey." He reasoned as I stepped out onto the porch with him and I nodded.
"I know." I said. "Thank you for coming. And who knows? After you move here, I might just get used to this thing." I reached up, taking Kaylee's sleeping hand in my fingers.
He chuckled, reaching up and gently clearing her longish auburn hair from her forehead. I realized as he did that how amazed I was how almost all of his kids had taken most of his looks. Lily had about an equal mix of him and Rachel, but she didn't have his nose or his eye color like Kaylee and I did. It was a little hard to tell, but Kaylee looked like she had his nose, too. A smaller version of mine, with just a subtle little turn up at the end. A small little curve, but not too much.
Lily had both of their eye color, though. A brown hazel that green speckled in, but even then, it wasn't the right shade of green. The light colored green eyes I had mirrored his perfectly. One thing I liked about myself was my green eyes.
He paused for a moment, looking me over. As if thinking about the same thing I was.
"What?" I asked quietly, laughing.
"I just can't get over how much you look like me." He said, reaching up and gently pinching the end of my nose. "It amazes me how much more beautiful you are each time I see you." I smiled, looking down. "And stop looking down. You have so much worth sharing, sweetheart. Never be ashamed of that, or embarrassed. You are who you are for a reason, honey, and I'm proud of who you are."
I remembered then. Carlisle had filled him in. The not so good things were probably a very big shock, yet here he was, telling me he supported me. I stepped forward and hugged him, his free arm coming around my shoulders. "I love you, Leandra."
"I love you too." I murmured. And I did. I always had, even when I believed he should have been there. But the sleeping baby in his arm was explanation enough. If he'd insisted on staying in my life, he probably wouldn't have had a chance to remarry at all. Much less have Lily or Kaylee.
"I'll see you soon." He promised, and I smiled, nodding. Stepping back, I watched him leave. Stepping carefully down the steps, and making his way to the car.
For the oddest reason, watching him walk away, I had the worst feeling of dread in my stomach. It was bad enough to make me a little dizzy with worry, sick with nervousness, and I jumped as Alice suddenly joined me on the porch. Watching him place Kaylee in her seat, fastening her in. It was enough to make it through the happiness I felt that night.
"Hey." I called, and he turned to look at me. "You're going to stay the night in town, right? And head back in the morning?"
"I've got to get back, honey." He said, shaking his head a little.
"Please?" I asked, stepping down a step. "It'd be safer if you do."
"We'll be okay." He assured me with a smile. "Don't worry." I was vaguely aware that Jasper had joined us on the porch. I glanced back at them, noticing Alice's worried eyes as well.
"Please?" I asked again. "I really don't want you to make that trip tonight. A couple of hours won't kill you."
"She's right, Chris." Alice called. "Please don't try it." He sighed, looking into the occupied backseat.
"That's not such a bad idea." Rachel told him. "I wouldn't mind staying the night in town, and I know those two wouldn't mind. Lily just wants to get to sleep."
"Okay." He relented. "Alright. I am pretty tired. If it'll make you feel better, I'll wait until the morning."
"Thank you." I sighed, surprisingly feeling better. A lot better. Not a hint of the dread left in my stomach. Like it had just dissipated. He gave me a smile in return, nodding. I watched him drive away, turning back to the house.
"Leandra, what was that?" Jasper asked calmly as I made my way back up the steps.
"What was what?" I asked, coming to stand beside him.
"That. Just now, with your father." He clarified.
I looked down. "I don't really know." I shrugged. "I got a bad feeling when he walked away. Like.." I sighed, shaking my head. "Really bad."
"Well.." Jasper said. "I felt that, and something you don't know yet, is something bad was going to happen. We came out to talk him out of driving back tonight, but I see you had it handled." I didn't understand yet what he was saying. "You got that feeling just as soon as Alice did, after a vision."
"I just had a feeling." I shook my head a little. "I know he makes that drive all the time, but.. I dunno."
"Leandra." I looked to the door at Josh's voice. "You coming back in?"
"Yeah." I said. "Yeah, just give me a minute."
"Your brother suggested that we spend the night here." He grinned.
"Wait-What, like.. Here? All night?" I asked, shocked.
"Yeah." He said. "My mom said yes, and Andrew's dad too."
Shit. That meant I couldn't freak out like I usually did. Not without seeming like a complete baby, and even then, everybody would have to go into their rooms tonight. Put up the act that they were sleeping. What did that mean for me?
I closed my eyes and shook my head.
"Remind me to hit Emmett as hard as I can, please." I muttered, looking to Alice. Jasper smirked, knowing exactly why I had a problem with this arrangement. They all did. I hadn't a doubt in my mind that was the reason why Emmett had decided to suggest it on such short notice. Especially while I was out of the room, so I couldn't protest.
"I hope your floor is comfortable." Josh laughed, heading back inside. Well, wasn't this just grand?
"We'll talk more about this tomorrow." Alice told me firmly, and I sighed, nodding. I now had a very long night ahead of me, on top of already having had a pretty long day. I knew full well why she wanted to talk about it so much.
Andrew found my side as soon as I walked in.
"It was all Emmett's idea." He whispered. "Everyone else tried to get you out of it, so just be mad at him." I appreciated that. He knew me that well. He was sparing the rest of the family my irritation. Across the room, Emmett smirked.
Didn't he know how hard this would be on me?
"I'll watch your back for spiders." Andrew promised, and I smiled a little. "Seriously, though. Don't worry. If you have a nightmare or something, I'll wake you up, and besides. It's not like they don't know. It's only for a night." I took a breath, nodding. He had a point.
"Come on." I followed him toward my room.
Josh took the hint, and Zack raced him up the hall. Zack was just about win that race, but Josh shoved him into the door frame and jogged through the door first. I ignored that.
"So where are we sleeping?" Josh asked, looking around as I turned on the light.
"Pick a spot." I said, shrugging.
"You get the bed, right?" Zack asked, sitting on the side of it.
"Nah. I'll sleep on the floor with you guys." I glanced to Andrew, and he gave me a small supportive smile. "I call the window."
"You're really not going to sleep in the bed?" Josh asked, surprised.
"Really." I said, sighing.
"Why?" He frowned.
"Long story." I muttered, and he looked to me.
"Good thing we've got all night, then, huh?" He asked, smiling. I thought back to what Carlisle told me about keeping secrets. I had to be careful what I said, and that meant being careful who I told.
"I have my reasons, okay?" I asked. "Please don't press me on this." He laughed.
"Okay, okay." He said, raising his hands a little. "Easy, tiger." He sighed and flopped back on the bed. "Even though it is pretty comfortable. Come on. It's not going to eat you."
"That's not why I don't like it." I said. "But funny."
"Ha." He said, lifting his head and pointing at me. "So you admit you don't like your bed. Let's see.. What possible reasons could there be?"
"Josh, knock it off." Andrew muttered. "Just leave it."
"I'm just curious." He said. "I've never heard of anyone hating their bed. Usually that's the main thing someone likes about their room." He paused. "You don't wet the bed, do you?"
"No." I gasped, offended. "I don't."
"Good." He said. "Because you're sleeping in it."
"Uh." I snorted. "I'll sleep exactly where I want to." I was starting to see the bossy thing Andrew had mentioned earlier.
"Come on." He said, sitting up. "There's nothing wrong with it. What? Have you not been sleeping in it?"
"Uh.." I muttered. "Okay, no. Not really."
"On the couch?" He asked, and I nodded. "That's gotta change."
"I don't know if-"
"Come on." He said. "Zack was afraid of his bed when he was six. I told him I'd pay him ten bucks if he got over it."
"This is a little different, I think." I shook my head.
"What could it hurt?" He asked. "I'd feel bad if you slept on the floor."
"It's no big deal." I said. "Right now, I could probably sleep on the roof and be fine."
Luckily for me, Josh and Zack's dad showed up then with clothes for them. Giving me a break from the conversation. Pulling Andrew off to the side, I frowned.
"What do I say to him?" I asked. "He's not going to drop it."
"Just tell him what you told me." He said. "Or just keep telling him to drop it. You'll be okay. If he gets too bad, I'll step in." I sighed, looking back at where they stood talking to their dad in the living room.
"I feel so stupid."
"Don't." He said. "You have your reasons. It's okay."
"I hate you." I hissed to Emmett through my teeth as he walked by.
"Opportunity." Emmett whispered back with a chuckle. I shook my head. I wasn't sure what that meant.
"Don't worry about it." Andrew said again. "You'll live through tonight. And who knows? Maybe Josh is right. I think it's worth a try."
I wasn't so sure. I hated the feeling I had. I just knew this was a bad idea.
A/N: Okay, so it's come to my attention that this entire story needs work. SO BADLY. I'm probably going to be taking some time with each chapter, just to make sure everything is how I want it.
I'm sorry this chapter took so long, compared to how completely boring it is. A particular scene in this chapter literally took three tries to get it right, which took up every minute of my allotted "once the baby is in bed" time for like three days. Yes, I have kept those bits as outtakes. Don't judge lol
THANK YOU! To those AWESOME and AMAZING reviewers of the first chapter! You guys are AWE-MAZING! Five dozen cookies for each of you.
Chapter three may take a few days, but I'm hoping it won't take too long. I'm still looking for that balance. I know it's around here somewhere.
Until Three, my friends! :D