Just thinking…

Jane (still CBI)

Jane is whipping Red John's smiley sign off Lisbon's face

This is weird; I'm the one getting into trouble, not her… I know I've told her that I'd always protect her whether she liked it or not, but she's the one who protects and saves me, not the other way around, come to think about it, she always saves me…

I'm happy she's alive, that son of a bitch could have hurt her in so many ways! I hope he didn't! Right now I've got to get this blood off her pretty face. God I hope she's unharmed. Her clothes are intact, that's a good sign.

Everyone who comes close to me ends up dead. I can't allow her to die because of me, but I can't leave… I can't believe how addicted I've become of her smile, I wonder when that happened. I don't want to have to miss her…

I miss my wife and daughter; I miss their beautiful eyes and their hands coming toward me for a hug whenever I got home. I still can't breathe at the thought of them, so I choose the cowardly way of ignoring memories. I know time passed only because I can't remember the sound of their voices… I miss those sounds and I'll always need them in my life. It hurts so much!

Now Lisbon is unconscious in this ambulance and if I actually believed in a good and caring God I would pray for her to be unharmed. She is so stubborn and never listens to me. Why did she go there alone? She doesn't have to prove anything, I know she is strong and capable and dangerous with a gun in her hand.

I'm rambling, but I am genuinely scared. I can't lose her too. I need to feel her breath on my hand. She's alive, that's what matter, anything else we can get through.

She's the only one who puts up to me even when I make her mad. She's sweet the way she tries to understand me. It's hard to understand the loss of a partner and child if you hadn't lived it, but she tries and lets me off the hook most of the times because of that. The fact that she knows me (even very well I'd say, but I would never admit it) scares me. I don't want to get close to anyone, but along the way I came to consider as friends the people I work with. They actually trust me, even though I mislead them… I wonder why. I know Van Pelt is fascinated with me (or she was at the beginning), with the way my mind works and she is always ready to contradict me on spiritual things. She's nice and seems so naïve sometimes, but I think that's only because she trusts people. I know inside she is a very mature woman, and I'd always appreciate her back-up. I kind of like the way she looks up to Lisbon and I know Lisbon is proud of that, because she always cares what her team thinks about her (only her team). Rigsby is the same, a big boy when it comes to my games, but a strong character when it comes to the job. I guess growing up without a role model for a paternal figure does that to a person. He is such a love sick puppy around Van Pelt it's amusing. Still, they knew I figured the fact they were having an affair, but trusted me not to tell anyone. They were so obvious; I can't understand why everyone else didn't see it. Cho is the most forthcoming person I've ever met. I know he likes me, but sometimes I think he could kill me without thinking twice if need be. He came close to it when Lisbon was suspended apparently because of me. I can't even describe him, he's the way he acts and he rarely has to put up a show in front of the others.

It's funny the way Lisbon chose her team. She isn't very trustful, but still gave each one of them a break even with their pasts and family. She mostly took a chance signing up with me. I was so broken those days I actually thought she did that out of pity, but I was so wrong. She can see the potential in people and has such good instincts; I just hope she follows them more… She's such a stickler for the rules it makes me laugh sometimes, but the truth is I need someone to set me straight from time to time (another thing I will never admit out loud). She just doesn't get that I'm too old to learn any new lessons. Well, one day she will… maybe.

I know she is the only person I would never want to grossly disappoint. I've disappointed her a couple of times, but nothing too serious that we couldn't leave behind us and only for solving cases. I've always hated the look in her eyes then, especially being my fault, but it was only for the sole purpose of solving a case. I hope I will never let her down on a personal level, but when the day comes to get Red John I will kill him no matter what. She will try to stop me, but she won't be there and will resent me for it. But that's why I started working with the CBI, to get my revenge and that's what I'll do. I have no plan after killing Red John, I'll lose her, I'll lose the team, but my family deserves it. I've been dreaming of killing him for years now, and it was easier when I wasn't attached to anyone. Now I have people around who care about me, but that won't stop me. They are becoming my vulnerability, especially Lisbon and Red John knows it. He touched her! He showed me he could have her and let her alive just to warn me and I know I will die trying to protect her, even if she doesn't like it. It's my debt to her for risking her career and life for me and I will gladly pay it only to know she is safe.

I'm dying inside bit by bit with every step closer to Red John which eventually turns out to be two steps back. I'm sinking and I need Lisbon alive to save me. Please be safe!