Full of Grace

Addison Montgomery-Shepherd knew many things. She was a doctor, and it was not vanity which told her that she was the smartest person within a hundred miles of Seattle Grace. Three fellowships and a stellar career attested to the fact that she was brilliant, at least intellectually. Emotionally she was as stunted as her husband; she blamed her father. She had always hated her father for his affairs, for the way he had treated her mother, the irony of her own sin against her own husband was not lost on her. If she was completely honest with herself, and now a days Addison was never completely honest due to the simple desire to remain sane, she hated her mother more. He beautiful, smart, caring, wonderful mother who sat back and took it. Addison had known since she was six about her father's affairs, her mother had known for longer than Addison had been alive. Even now, thirty two years after she discovered her father's compulsive need to betray her mother, Addison didn't understand Elizabeth Montgomery's need to let herself be punished. Again the irony of Addison's own situation was not lost on her; which brought her back to the things she knew.

One; the affair was not her fault entirely, no matter how Derek played the innocent victim, no matter how much he screamed about her betrayal, oh of course she shouldn't have cheated, but in his heart of hearts her husband knew he had given her ample reason to seek solace in the arms of another man, if he was honest with himself. Again though, he, like his wife, rarely was, it was that whole sanity thing. She had heard rumors that Derek admitted to being a little absent, which in her mind, was the biggest lie he had ever told, and that included forgetting the fact that he had a wife. Years of being forgotten and brushed aside in favor of some phantom surgery or post op notes had finally taken its toll. There was a reason Derek's mother and sisters didn't hate her. She shouldn't have cheated, but then again Derek shouldn't have given her thousands of reasons to.

Two: She was dying. She had felt the bullets pierce her flesh and then she was alone, except for her thoughts, which were numerous. She had been on death's door before and had fought as hard as she could to avoid dying, she had fought and won. It had been a hollow victory however, as her near death experience had been the first in a series of disasters that led to her husband withdrawing and treating her like a stranger. Right now, in this moment she knew that if she fought she would win, she was that stubborn. She just didn't know if she wanted to fight.

Three; her husband was in love with another woman, or at least he thought he was. He chased after Meredith Grey like a dog in heat, and it was something that left Addison a little nauseous. The hospital believed that, she, Addison had won the battle, which was, in a way true. But she knew that she was losing the war. He husband, who had so far excused his months with Meredith as justifiable, would betray her like she had betrayed him. It would be the final nail in the cross he had been hoisting her up on for months, fitting considering everyone called her Satan. Whether Derek knew it or not he would sleep with Meredith to hurt Addison, and it would.

Four; she knew now, whether she would fight or not. Addison was a good person, but years of dealing with her father's betrayals had left her passive aggressively vindictive. Six months of being punished by a man, who she couldn't say loved her, for a crime he was partly responsible for, left her with an urge to commit her final act as Queen of passive aggresiva; she would die before he had a chance to crucify her.

Five; even now, after everything she loved Derek. Whether he knew it or not she loved him.

"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

"Addie?"

The winter here is cold, and bitter
It's chilled us to the bone,
I haven't seen the sun for weeks,
Too long, too far from home.
I feel just like I'm sinking,
And I claw for solid ground,
I'm pulled down by the undertow,
I never thought I could feel so low,
And oh darkness I feel like letting go.