Universe: AU

Characters: Zhao Yun X Zhang Liao

Genre: Hurt/Comfort

Rated: T for light smut

"If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. If you are not afraid of dying, there is nothing you cannot achieve."

-Lao Tzu

From a large crowd, unusual in their unity, I heard voices from faces I cannot see. They were speaking to, though not speaking at me; they could not see me. They were eager as they sat at their tables spotting the banquet hall.

I pushed the curtain aside only slightly, desiring to see they're faces from behind the enshrouding shadows of the crimson sheets. They encompass all whom I came to refer to as my friends, as well as my enemies, and even people I had never seen before. Anyone who could possibly be of any importance to me graced my presence.

Everyone I had ever lied to.

I let go of the curtain as I let myself slip back into darkness again. They held me at arms length - friends, family, and enemies - to their judge, jury, and executioner. It felt as if I held out my very soul to be reprimanded. In their unsuspecting minds, the truth that I held carried such magnitude that I felt as if the weight of their judgement could shatter my skin.

I stepped back from curtain. The closer I came to this formal unveiling, the more the sensation of suffocating engrossed itself in my core; if I didn't choke to death from my own fear, I would surely choke on theirs.

In my solitude, I felt a hand upon my shoulder. Its calloused grip was firm, yet its familiarity breathed warmth upon my frozen skin.

"They're waiting for us."

A melancholic statement, almost foreboding. Behind his calm voice, I could sense the poison of dread etched in his core seeping into my flesh. There had never been any bloody battle where I felt more like I was marching to my own execution.

I took in a pained breath, it's strained pressure constricting me until I felt numb, and released it slowly.

"If we go through with this, there's no going back."

"We're way past the point of no return, Zhao Yun."

I turned my gaze to his. Even in the darkness, his eyes still shined with a defined metallic texture. Looking back into mine, his firm expression broke into a determined smirk.

I knew now that there was no one more important to me than Zhang Liao. I needed him to give me strength. In the times I had lived within his presence, I discovered myself changing from the inside, doing things that betrayed everything I had ever believed in, and it scared me. But as my legs gave out below me under the weight of confusion and guilt, I found the grace of a new purpose, and with his strength I was able to stand.

If I lost him...

When I saw him begin to pull the curtains back to reveal himself, cold blood proceeded to ravage my body stemming from my pounding heart.

"Wait! Wait! wait wait wait wait!"

Pleads erupted through my throat with more desperation than I had ever shown. I could feel the corners of my eyes burning with tears. Zhang Liao flinched away from the curtains, and looked back at me.

"I can't do this."

The words felt almost painful for me to utter. It was a proclamation I had never made before. For the first time, I had given in to my fear. The numbing feeling of my heart's surrender tore my conscience practically to oblivion. But if our secret got out - if our outright defiance was exposed - I knew what would happen to Zhang Liao.

"Zhao Yun...we have to."

I shook my head. "If they know the truth, it won't just change everything for us, it will for them too."

Zhang Liao sighed, breaking eye contact with me. It was frustrating for him to persuade me to see reason and fail, but right now I didn't care about what was right. I only cared about him.

"It's a change they won't be willing to accept. They won't just kill us, they won't bother shaming us, they'll erase us. They'll get rid of any evidence that we even existed, just like they did my father."

"How?" He challenged my assumptions with his usual stern determination as he met my gaze again. "We're strong enough to fight them together if they reject us. You know that."

"And then what? We'll be left with nothing! No one will accept us! We'll be outcasts!" My eyes narrowed to hold in the building up tears. "We can't win this battle. There is nothing for us to gain and so much for us to lose. I can't...I can't..."

I didn't realize how much tension had built up in body until I felt hand clasped in his. I relaxed somewhat to his touch, but it's familiar warmth only brought me more distress.

"I can't lose you," I uttered through clenched teeth as I tightened my grip on his hands, "I can't. Not you too."

"You won't lose me Zhao Yun." Zhang Liao brought my hand up to eye level. He sent me a smile, as reassuring of one as he could muster "No matter what happens to us, it won't change how either of us feel. But we can't depend on other to stand for those who are too weak to fight for themselves. There are others like us, and even if the people out there are don't want to see it, I'm not scared of facing their scorn."

I had to look away from him. "You don't understand. I don't care about any of them. I care about you, and the promise I made to my father."

"You were scared into making that promise. You're letting them control you."

"If that's what keeps you safe...

"Safe? You think I wanted to be kept safe when all of this began? You're stronger than this Zhao Yun, and don't you dare think that you're father would have wanted you to hide from the world. Now, are you willing to stand with me?

The guilt of holding Zhang Liao back

because of my own fears was sickening to bare, but it couldn't compare to the way I felt when my father died. The images of the day I watched my father being taken away, never to see him again, bore a heavy weight upon my heart. My father was executed, and all honor to his name eradicated, just for standing up for what he believed in because it differed from those at the top of the power structure. I promised him never to let that happen again. I didn't care whether I lived or died, but if I let Zhang Liao suffer the same fate as my father, I would gladly welcome the death that my shame would bring me. Even if I were to escape execution myself, I would not be able to live with the guilt. I would surely be dead within short time.

Almost as inaudible as it was strained, I whispered the answer neither of us wanted to hear.

"No..."

With that, Zhang Liao stepped back, clenching his fists with crystal clear intent. That gesture made me shudder against chills of sharp ice. He would never back down from what he thought was right, but he was too stubborn for his own good. A feint hatred conjured in my core. He was going to make me relive the day I lost my father, whether or not I wanted to.

My body was ripe with emotions that readied to explode forth. I began to shake as I forced back trembling sobs. If Zhang Liao was going to abandon me, then nothing I did mattered. Whatever decision I made, I knew I would lose him. My eyes clenched to the pain of that realization, further blotted by burning tears.

I felt his hand cup my face as he wiped away the tears. I looked up to see him smiling at me.

"Okay, I understand. It's too soon."

I should have felt relief at his words, but all I could feel was a void of remorse that welled inside of me, ripping my skin. For the first time, I had held Zhang Liao back. Why did I feel like this? So many thoughts and emotions were spinning with such fury that my mind became a carrousel of confusion. I was breaking under the weight of my own hesitance.

As if sensing the weakness inside of me, his arms began to wrap around me. With strength that always seemed to resonate from his presence, he was able to keep me standing. It was that feeling that lead me my reluctance to let him go.

"I'm so sorry. I can't bring myself to put you at risk. Nothing else would matter if I lost you."

I needed to let him know, by any means, that I needed him with me. That was all that mattered to me.

"I understand Zhao Yun. But know this; they can banish us, execute us, or torture us until our bones break, but the pain will never be great enough for me to want to take back the times we shared."

"But would it even be worth it? They won't accept us."

"Don't worry. One of them will."

"Like who?"

"Men like your father."

There it was again. That almost mysterious power he had to instill strength in me.

"If theirs one thing I don't doubt, Zhao Yun, it's that your father wouldn't take back what he did. He would want the same out of you."

"You have so much faith in them. How can you be so sure that they would listen, instead of sentencing us to the sane fate as my father."

Zhang Liao shook his head. "It's not them I have faith in. It's you, Zhao Yun."

His gaze pulled me into his spell. He stated his words with such honesty and conviction, I could not help but lay down my own faith in his words.

"You're stronger than any man that I know. If anyone has the power to change this land, it's you."

The Wei general gently caressed my cheek before pulling himself towards me. He left slow, heartfelt kiss upon my lips. I closes my eyes to the sensation.

After he pulled away, he held me gently by the shoulder, whenever you're ready.

Zhang Liao stood a distance away from me. The feeling of his lips fresh on my skin created a longing to always be with him. I faltered to his touch. The fear I felt for his life racking my mind returned with full force. There was no denying it now. No matter how much faith he had in me, I could never bring myself to put his life in danger.

"I'll never be ready...to risk letting you go"

I turned away from him and began to exit stage. With hesitation, I looked back to Zhang Liao. He showed no disappointment or discreet sternness. He started smiling again. With his unique features gracing his hardened face, the sight was able to pierce through the shrouding darkness. His intent was clear. He still had faith in me.

Against strained breaths, I felt my heart constricting. I wouldn't have Zhang Liao by my side for much longer, I knew now. He was going to die because of me. No matter how strong I thought I was, I couldn't win a battle against the land itself. Because of my past decisions, I was forced to fight a battle I had already lost - a battle I couldn't even bring myself to fight. I had lost my father to that battle, and if I were to lose Zhang Liao to it as well, there was no way I would be able to stop it.

"I'm sorry."

With my last words, I walked away from him, faster with each step until I found myself running, into the darkness of the castle.

I suddenly stopped myself when I found myself outside. It was quiet. The the deep indigo of the silent sky quickly painted in me a sense of loneliness. It was times like these that I wished I could talk to my father, but he didn't even have so much as a grave stone that I could visit.

I ran to a nearby creek. Standing over it, I crouched down and looked into it's reflective surface. I was a splitting image of my father on the outside, but I wasn't sure if I could ever bring myself to do what he did. No one else could provide guidance to me in this situation but him. Would he really be proud of me for fighting a battle I couldn't win, or would he want me to hide my secret if it meant protecting someone I loved?

"I can't stop him from doing what he thinks is right, but I don't want to lose him." my gaze lifted to the sky, where the moon did not shine and and stars shimmered beneath the black sheet. I thought I had embarked on a journey of self discovery when I accepted the love of the Demon of Hefei, only to find myself at the end of the road staring into the abyss. For the first time since my father had perished, I felt remorse for my decision. I found myself wishing that the Wei general and I had never met.

"What do I do?"

The space I had awoken to in my bed the next morning held an emptiness usually not there. I had grown accustomed to the warmth of another body occupying the space next to me.

I sat up rather hastily in my bed. I looked for another person - or any sound in the room - but I was only met with silence. My gaze wandered the room until a thin scroll sitting on the pillow beside me caught my eye. I'd grown used to these letters on the rare occasion that Zhang Liao would leave before I could awaken. Know where he had gone to always put me at ease. So I reached for the a scroll, but I hesitated when a faint breeze reached its frigid arm through the window. The chill hit my spine and sent shivers through my skin like a morbid foreboding.

I grabbed the scroll and slowly opened it before panning my eyes across the ink on the scratchy texture. Blood sliced through my veins like sharp ice as I realized the consequences that my hesitation had wrought.

Everything that I do, it is because I love you. Farewell, Zhao Yun, until heaven reunites us.

Your beloved

Zhang Liao