Oh I'm a mess right now, inside out.
Searching for a sweet surrender, but this is not the end.
I can't work it out, going through the motions, going through us.
Scott McCall's alarm went off, but he was already awake. Sleep was rare with him lately. He sat up in his bed, rubbing his face. He didn't want to get up. He didn't ever want to get up again. But he had to; for Allison. His chest filled with hopelessness with the thought of her name. He always tried to avoid thinking of her; to avoid the impending sense of doom that came along with it. He was never going to feel her warm, soft skin again, or hear her melodious laughter. He could hardly stand the reality of never seeing her again. He had been in denial over the past few weeks. "Maybe she'll come back," he thought. "Maybe the insanity of this town will actually do something good for me. Please." He closed his eyes, trying to stop the memories from flooding back to him. The dam that held all his love for her had finally broken, but it was all too late. He sniffed his nose, holding back the tears that threatened to spill every time his thoughts came to her. First he smelled rain, and then her. Her scent still lingered in his room, even after all this time. It comforted him.
He forced himself to get out of bed. "It doesn't hurt." Her voice echoed over and over in his mind, hitting him like a pound of bricks. He stood in the middle of his room, replaying it all in his head unwillingly. He wished he didn't hurt. He could feel her breath getting shallow as she took her last ones. Her body going completely lifeless and her eyes glazing over. "It's perfect," she had said, blood dripping from her mouth and every inch of her shaking, struggling to keep her life just for those last few moments. "I'm in the arms of my first love." The burn he felt in his entire body that night came back to him, stinging like it just happened. It wasn't perfect to him."I love you, Scott McCall." He closed his eyes and her words resonated in his mind.
He just wished he said it back.
Before even leaving his room, he sensed his mother's own bleakness. She appeared at the door, only giving him a look of empathy. It pained him to see his mom as sad as he felt. "Shes the one, Scott." She would always say. "You need to tell her how you feel." Her small stature approached him and engulfed him in a hug. She squeezed him like somehow she could squeeze all his sorrow out of him. He wished she could.
Scott had always felt so uncomfortable in a suit. He tugged at the collar as his mother helped him adjust it. He remembered the last time he had worn one was on an evening he had spent with Allison. The memory shot through him achingly, and he forced himself to shake it. He couldn't stand his own conscience anymore. Everything around him reminded him of her. Every instance he would relate back to her. It was impossible for him to face he would never spend another night with her, another day just driving around. He would never kiss her again. He could never tell her he loved her again.
His mother's hand spread warmth on his cheek. He forced a weak smile, listening to the patter of her heart. She said nothing, but he could feel her trying to be strong for her son. He appreciated his mom, more than he could ever say. She had sacrificed so much for him, and was one of the only things he could hold onto now. He wanted to keep her as close as possible. "I can't lose her, too."
He sat on his bed once his mother left the room. He took in the scent of his room again, making sure she was still with him in some form. "It's okay," her voice from that horrible night came to him again. It would hopefully be okay. He needed closure.
A/N: hello again! I really enjoyed writing this one. Well, it actually made me kind of sad, but hopefully that's a good thing to you readers. I thought the song at the beginning was fitting. A little too upbeat for what I was aiming for if you listen to it, but I wanted to put the lyrics in. If you wanted to listen, it's 'I'm a Mess' by Ed Sheeran. As always feedback is appreciated!
-Sarah