Present day

Everyone's gaze is on me as I drag my heavy limbs to the ball. I carefully position myself and kick, but my foot only hits the air. Over and over, I keep missing the ball. Not this again. The coach just stands there with his arms crossed, glaring at me. And the rest of the team won't come to help, they think it's all my fault. The tightness in my chest gets unbearable, I open my mouth to scream how unfair this is, but the words get stuck in my throat and instead I start gasping and pani—

"I'm leaving. Bye Dad! Bye Mom!" Hikari yells right beside my bedroom door, jerking me awake.

Urg. Hikari is doing this on purpose. I bet she can't stand that I get to stay in bed while she has to go to school. Does she think I'm enjoying being like this? Probably. Like she'd understand. I turn on my back and open my eyes, just to see those wooden slates again. That bunked bed is still holding up huh? I wonder, would I die suffocating if the mattress fell over me while I'm asleep? One can dream … I was dreaming I think, but I can't recall much already. All there's left is a lump in my throat and the nagging feeling of being a failure. Well, the second part is just me being perceptive.

My stomach growls. Better get up and … crap, last night I forgot to go grab some food. I shove my blanket away and peek under my pajama. Nope, I definitely can't skip meals anymore, or else I'll start looking like an anorexic. Sis just left so it shouldn't be long before Dad leaves for work. The real problem is Mom. If I'm lucky she'll leave the house or at least take a nap at some point. If I'm not she'll stay glued to the kitchen all day.

Mom and Dad chat together as they walk in front of my room, then the front door opens and closes. I listen to the silence. Did Mom just leave with Dad? I get up and go stick my ear to the door, still nothing. I release the lock and open up just enough to peek out. Yup, the way is clear. I get out and rush to the toilet. No bucket this morning. While I'm washing my hands the corner of my eye spots my matted hair through the mirror. Yeah, I could use a shower, but … Urg, it's such an undertaking, plus I have no idea when Mom's coming back anyway.

In the kitchen I start filling a plastic bag with whatever I get my hands on that's edible without cooking. I kick shut the fridge's door, causing some tickets to dangle. Looking closer my heart skips a beat as I read The New Wolfgang, one of the hottest band in Japan! The concert is at the end of the month, on December 24th. Huh. They must really want to be in their hometown for the holidays if they decided to do a Christmas concert outside at the Ultra Park. There's only three tickets. My chest tightens instantly, but I shake the sensation away. It's normal that they didn't invite me, and I would have refused to go anyway. Actually, I'm glad that they didn't, it proves that they're done with their pestering. They're finally leaving alone the silent food eating, poop making failure squatting under their roof.

Holding my grocery bag, I take a stroll around the apartment. I spot the couch, sprint and jump over, expecting a soft landing, but instead my ass falls on a hardcover book. Pulling it out I recognize the manual of mathematics that I used during my second year of high school. Pfft, sitting my ass on it was quite appropriate. Does it mean Hikari has the same teacher that I had? I can't decide if I want her to be stuck with that asshole or not. It doesn't matter, I'm sure he'd be nice to her. I start scratching on a corner, the cardboard there is all puffy and dusty.

I'm such a shitty big brother. She'd probably agree to that. I wonder if she ever talks to her friends about her pathetic sibling who's been hiding in his room for nearly three years. Maybe she tells everyone that she's an only child. When we were kids she used to follow me around all the time, looking at me like I was the coolest brother. I miss that time, long before my life started to crumble.

I flip through the pages of the book. From what I can hear through my door, Hikari seems to be doing great, she has good grades and good friends. I'm glad she gets to enjoy her life in high school, I really am, so why do I keep having this sickening feeling in my chest? I fetch a pen on the side table, then pick a page I figure she hasn't worked on yet and start scribbling. I have no artistic talent whatsoever, but my weirdly proportioned and inadvertently winking kitty should be good enough to bring a smile on her face, or at least a light curl on her lips. I tried to make it look like Miko, but she probably won't recognize our late cat.

Getting up, I spot a wrapping showing from under the couch. I crouch and stare in awe at a fortune cookie. It must be from the other day's take out diner, how lucky! My day just got a whole lot better. As I grab the cookie, my eyes drift toward the left and catch a silver glimmer. A five hundred yen coin! Holy crap, I should check under here more often. I stretch my arm and take the money. With this I'll be able to buy a couple drinks from the vending machines. I don't steal money from my family, but I consider lost coins to be a gray area.

Back in my hole, I gently squeeze the fortune cookie until it cracks open, then pull out the piece of paper, already expecting my mind to be blown by some ancient wisdom that will solve all my issues.

"They say the first step is the hardest, but it doesn't mean the next steps won't be hard." The cookie says.

I go to my window and throw out the cookie. Who ever eats it anyway. I slouch back on the bed and bury my face in my pillow. All I wanted was a little false hope. Isn't it what those stupid fortunes are all about? I silently curse whoever decided to put that piece of paper in my cookie for ruining my day, wishing for their life to be filled with first steps.

I finally get my appetite back after dozing off and slide down on the floor where I dropped the bag of food. I eat an apple, a yogurt and four crackers that I spread peanut butter on, then sit in front of my computer with a bottle of water. My first order of business is always to check the RSS feed I set up to track information on the monsters' attack. Nothing interesting comes up today either, only a couple articles rehashing, months late, the tenth anniversary of the monsters' defeat. I was hoping for an update from DigiHacker, but nope, no crazy theory about a parallel digital world today either.

I click on the link to an article from the Odaiba Weekly and a photo of a giant serpent like sea creature destroying the bridge appears on the screen. I only skim through the article as reading it would be a waste of time, I saw the bridge we had just crossed get obliterated live from the rear window of our car. I watched with my mouth wide open, my mind not picking up yet that Dad's parents and sister were following us in their car. I can still hear my father's frantic yelling as he pulled over and looked at the last couple cars passing by that made it, hoping to see my grand-parents' blue Toyota. I close the article, a lump forming inside my throat.

I shouldn't have looked at that article, now my mind is all tangled up with bitter ruminations again. I get that losing his family like this crushed Dad, I really do, but I still can't forgive him. Did he really have to become an alcoholic and put us through years of nothing but shit? Yes, he did finally sober up and find a steady job, but it was too little, too late. By then I was in high school, living a nightmare. I bang my feet on the desk and the bottle of water falls, spilling water on my mouse. I pick it up and send it flying through the room, splashing the rest of the liquid all over the floor. Well, that was stupid.

I turn back toward the screen and hurry to close all that crap. Today I'll just numb that stupid brain of mine by binge watching anime.

I only leave my computer at diner time, when Mom calls everyone over. I go sit beside my door, wrap my arms around my legs and listen to my family chatting. That way I get to know what's going on with their lives. My nose picks up a delicious curry smell, I hope there's left overs.

"Did you check to make sure he's not dead?" My charming Dad asks Mom.

"He stole food this morning so he's fine." Stole? What are you talking about Mom? I'm your son.

"Why don't you just get him out of here already? He's an adult now." Sis …

"We thought about it, but if we do this we'll find him dead in an alley within a week." Dad says.

"Honey! What your father means is, we don't think your brother is able to properly function in society. Letting him stay here and hope he matures eventually might be our only option." Mom adds, pushing the dagger further into my already damaged self esteem.

I stop listening, my mood has taken enough of a beating for today. I turn over and rest my back on the door. My lips twist into an upside down frown as I look at all the tied up plastic bags pilling up in every corner of the room, under the bed and even on the top bunk. I really do fit in here, surrounded by trash. Still, I really should go out tonight to throw away some garbage, I've put off doing this for almost a month. The fortune cookie mentioned a first step, this might as well be it. The way I am now, I don't think I could accomplish anything harder anyway.

At eleven thirty I make sure everyone has gone to bed, then sneak out and bring some curry rice back in my room. I dip my finger in the cold sauce. Mmmmm, delicious as always, but my stomach will have to wait. I better take care of the chore before I change my mind.

I put on a couple pullovers and borrow Hikari's pink mitts and toque on my way out with four garbage bags. Outside my nostrils instantly stick together and I start breathing out white smoke. The weather's all messed up right now, normally it would hardly ever get below the freezing point. If I wasn't just going to the bin, I'd definitely have to put on my stinky old coat.

I go downstairs and try to open the sliding door on the side of the bin, but it doesn't budge. It's either stuck or I'm just too weak, probably the later. I try to throw the bags high enough to get them over in the bin, but only manage to receive them back in my face a couple times. I need a step or something. I spot a chair beside a door, borrow it and finally throw my trash away. It's about time, I'm freezing. I rush back to the apartment and open the door … except that the door is locked. What?