"Thanos," a booming voice called from across the penthouse. "I know this name. What reason would he have to prey on Midgard?" Thor quickly crossed the living space with his large strides. Jane jogged to keep up at his side. Darcy noticed that Jane had gotten dressed in her typical flannel and jeans but Thor was still in sweatpants. Spider-man sweatpants. Darcy bit her tongue very, very hard. She was a professional, okay?
"Who's Thanos?" Jane asked and her eyes widened as she took in the took in the situation outside. "Tony - the balcony - what?" Tony slowly nodded with a grimace.
"Yes, Jane, the jacuzzi is gone."
"I'm really sorry, okay? I'll get you a new jack-oozy, whatever that is." Peter said quickly. "More importantly - Thanos. He's a bad guy. Pretty much the baddest." Peter held out his had to Thor. "You an alien too? Peter Quill slash Star-Lord, legendary former outlaw."
Darcy rolled her eyes. "Dude, that's Thor. He's, like, your space royalty. Sailor Asgard."
"Lady Darcy, Asgard's rule does not extend to all of space and I have told you that I do not sail." Thor said to her, then took Peter's hand and shook it. "I am Thor, prince of Asgard. This is Doctor Jane Foster." He turned back to the group while Peter stared at him, mouth gaping. "Thanos is known to be one of the most dangerous and powerful beings in the universe. If he has ill will towards Midgard, we will need to do whatever possible to stop him."
"Well, shit. That doesn't sound good." Tony frowned and tapped a finger between his eyebrows. "What does he want?"
Peter shook his head and turned back to Tony. "Been chasing his minions everywhere trying to track him down. We know he's looking for infinity stones and that is no good. These things are bad joojoo and he'll use them to do some really messed up things - like, probably destroying the galaxy and everybody who lives in it. We've tracked multiple stone signatures to Earth, so we know he's going to hit here soon."
"We?" Tony raised both eyebrows.
"Er- yeah. We. My buddies are hanging out in the ship. I thought it would be best if I warmed up the crowd first. They're not from around here."
"Okay, interesting, but more importantly... what are these 'stones'?" Tony looked at Peter like he was just slightly crazy. Darcy would have agreed. but Thor was a pretty trustworthy guy. If he thought this Thanos was bad news, then there was some bad shit coming their way.
"Well, I have some experts back in the ship, and they can definitely explain it better than me. You gotta promise to be cool, though. Definitely with Rocket. Especially with Rocket."
"Who names their kid, Rocket?" Darcy took off her glasses and wiped them with her shirt. She put them back on and looked Peter up and down. "Is he another 'legendary outlaw?" she drawled.
"Former." Peter ducked his head and scratched his chin. "And he's a raccoon. So, again, be cool. Gamora is green, Drax is, well, Drax, and Groot is a tree."
Tony, Jane, and Darcy blinked comically slow.
"How can someone be a tree?" Jane said, squinting.
Darcy held in the trillions of Lord of the Rings comments threatening to burst. This situation, despite the absolute absurdity, seemed to call for a higher degree of seriousness than she was used to handling. She had just gotten used to living and working with superheroes and now a gaggle of aliens had come in the front door. She worried that her Hello Kitty pajamas weren't the best for intergalactic political discussions. (There was no way she was wearing slacks to work on a Sunday.)
Peter started to walk backwards to the door leading outside. "I'm going to grab my crew. Be right back."
Tony was the first to speak once the door closed. "Okay, it looks like we'll have the funky bunch here in a minute or two. Thor and Jane, I'll need you with me on this deciphering whatever horrible alien disaster they're going to tell us about. Darcy, coffee. All of it. I will need all of the coffee in the world to deal with whatever weird shit is about to go down."
Thor and Jane nodded. Darcy glared at Tony. "Really, Tony? You guys are going to work on the potentially Earth-destroying problem and I'm being sent on a Starbucks run?" Tony just glared back. "OK, you're right. I know nothing, Tony Stark." Darcy tried her best not to pout and walked to the kitchen to grab her handbag.
The door opened and everyone whipped towards it.
"That... is a fucking tree."
Thor pointed at her. "Be cool, Lady Darcy."
Introductions were quick. Darcy knew that was a good idea because there was no way she could spend any amount of time contemplating the new arrivals and how much she wanted to pet the furry one. She didn't think he'd take well to that.
Rocket and Gamora, a green lady who looked like she could cut someone's face off with her pinky finger, were discussing science-y things with Tony, Jane, and Thor. Drax, a grey and red shirtless guy, was sitting standing near the window and looking at the city skyline.
The tree, Groot, who was an actual freaking tree, was petting Dum-E. A tree petting a robot. Darcy tried really hard to not think about it.
"Any special orders?" Darcy yelled. She looked up at the science group as she checked her purse for the essentials (phone, taser, keys, flask.) No one looked back. "Okay then. I'm out-ie."
"I can help," Peter offered from his seat on the couch opposite her. She had forgotten about him with the visual shock of his companions. Now he was totally normal looking. Still cute and wearing leather, but normal. She glanced at Tony, who finally looked in her direction and shrugged.
"Yeah, that'd be nice actually." Darcy slid her handbag onto her shoulder. "I'm just going to the lobby, but you can help carry drinks."
"I'm can do that. Do you think they'll have whipped cream? I've been craving it for about twenty seven years." Peter grinned and Darcy felt a flutter in her stomach. Oh. She smooshed the sudden image of Peter and a can of whipped cream way, way down where she would never think of it again, except maybe later tonight.
"Oh, they definitely have whipped cream. Lots of it." She coughed. "Um, I'm Darcy Lewis, by the way. Tony's assistant." She stood and motioned for Peter to follow her. "Let us leave this joint."
They walked to the elevator and Darcy sighed when the doors closed. Coffee sounded potentially life-changing right now. She definitely had a love/hate relationship with mornings, minus the love part.
Suddenly, Peter grabbed her arm and pointed to the elevator roof with it. "What is this? What is this?!" he demanded, waving her arm in the air.
"My limb, you clown," Darcy screeched, tearing her arm away and reaching into her purse. "Are you choosing to be crazy now? In an elevator?! I will not hesitate to kick you in the balls and/or tase you!" For a moment she wished Captain America was there to unleash his potent elevator ass-kicking.
Peter looked at her, confused. "Oh no, shit. I didn't mean that. It's this music. I've never heard it."
Darcy relaxed, but kept a nervous hand in her bag. "Sweet baby Jesus, you need to not do that ever again. And you're excited about this? I'm know Tony picks this shit just to drive me insane." Peter was concentrating on listening so hard that she worried he'd pull a brain muscle.
"Yo, space cowboy, don't hurt yourself. It's just Taylor Swift. They don't have Pandora out there?"
He shook his head. "I've had one tape for over twenty years. I just got another one a couple of months ago."
"Tapes? Wait. Cassette tapes?" Darcy swore she felt her soul break into a million pieces at his solemn nod. "Dude. Dude. I will grant you one of my old iPods." She put her hand on his (delightfully well-defined) bicep and gave him her most serious look. "Your life is about to get so good."
They came back to the penthouse twenty minutes later with trays of drinks in hand. Darcy set her tray on the kitchen counter and turned to the living room with her hands on her hips. Tony was laying on his stomach on the ground with a very pissed off raccoon standing on his back.
"Way to be cool, guys," Darcy said. "This is why you need me here, Tony. You are a menace to society and cannot be trusted around objects both animate and inanimate."
Rocket tightened his grip on Tony's hands and Tony looked over his shoulder at him. They started at each other for a moment, then at Darcy, and yelled in unison. "He started it!"