Ladies... get ready to laugh. A/N at the end

Two Weeks After The Honeymoon

"Bella, please! It would be so great!"

"Edward we do not need a new TV." I shook my head as I double checked my make up in the visor mirror.

When he didn't say anything I turned to look at him. He was staring at the road with his hands griping the steering wheel so hard his knuckles were white. I couldn't help but laugh at my grown husband pouting like a five year old.

"Seriously? You're going to pout?" I pushed the visor back up and leaned against the door to look at him.

"I'm not pouting."

"Edward."

"No. You don't want to talk about it so just forget it."

I ground my teeth together and took a deep breath. He was really starting to piss me off, but fighting with him before we arrived at the gates of hell (aka his parent's house) was not a good idea. Esme could pick up on that shit like she had some sort of sixth sense.

"I just don't understand why we need a new TV. You got the one we have like a year ago."

"Three years ago."

I rubbed my forehead and forced a smile on my face.

"Ok so explain to me why we need a new one? It's a lot of money Edward."

He finally released one hand from the steering wheel and turned his head to look at me once we reached a red light.

"Bella the quality of the TVs have changed so much in the past three years. The HD quality they have now is beyond amazing."

I nodded my head and kept looking at him.

"And does the new HD quality justify spending what, like three grand on a new TV?"

"It wouldn't be three grand Bella. They have the one I want for like fifteen hundred."

"Fifteen hundred dollars is a lot of money. We just bought the house and paid off my car. I just don't know. Plus we have Christmas coming up."

"Money isn't the issue and you know it. My parents would help if we needed it."

See this is where spoiled only-child Edward starts to piss me off. We are adults, and running to Mommy dearest anytime we want a new toy shouldn't be an option.

"Edward we are not asking your parents for money. If you want the TV, then we will pay for it ourselves."

"So we can get it then?"

"If you really want it then fine, but its counting as your Christmas present." I crossed my arms across my chest and shook my head as he whooped and did little fist pumps of victory. I shook my head and closed my eyes. Sometimes, living with Edward is literally like living with a five year old.

"It will be great Bella! We can invite the guys over to play games on it with the Xbox! And when bowl games start we can have parties!"

"Parties?"

"Yeah it will be great."

I leaned my head against the window and half listened as he droned on about what he would be doing with his new toy. I really didn't mind his friends coming over; they were actually really nice guys. But parties meant me cleaning for hours before they came over, and then starting all over again when they left.

As he turned into the driveway of his parent's ostentatious house I groaned. I hadn't spoken to Esme since the whole digital get- down sexcapade, but I knew that in true Esme fashion she would be pretending nothing had ever happened. In the land of Esme, denial was served daily. along with a nice glass of wine and a Prozac on the side. She ignored any and all problems in her life hoping they would eventually go away on their own. Edward said she just liked to "focus on the now," but my opinion was that she was just fucking crazy.

Edward's father, Carlisle, was the polar opposite of Esme. I could say with all honesty that he was one of the nicest men I had ever met. He was always very open and inviting, never making you feel judged or under appreciated. He was just a nice guy, and thankfully that had rubbed off on his son.

Growing up Cullen meant that you had the best of everything. Edward went to one of the most prestigious private schools in the area where he was obviously the best at everything. He made excellent grades, was the star athlete, dated the most beautiful girl, was homecoming king, and prom king. Esme just got off on that shit too. In her mind, she was the June Cleaver of Seattle, and Edward's perfection only made their family more Leave it to Beaver-esque. Only unlike June Cleaver, Esme had a maid and a cook. Yadira, the Cullen's maid, had been cleaning Edward's apartment, and then our house once he moved. I immediately put a stop to that shit once we got married.

If the Cullen's are the perfect family, then my family is nothing but dysfunctional. We are the Bunkers compared to them. I am from a very small town about two hours away from Seattle. My father, Charlie, is the Police Chief and very much a guy's guy. He enjoys all things outdoorsy, from sports to hunting. And the first time Esme had stepped foot into my parent's small house and saw the deer heads mounted on the wall, I knew she was one step away from calling PETA on my father. Renee, my mom, God love her, is crazy. But she admits it. She tends to need to be taken care of. as opposed to being the one who took care of us. But, she made life interesting and she is one of my best friends. My brother Emmett is loud and obnoxious and continually makes an ass of himself. It's like he has no filter what so ever. and unintentionally insults people, frequently.

In high school I tried to just survive. I wasn't the popular girl everyone tried to date; I was the shy girl who guys stayed away from because my dad was a cop and my older brother threatened anyone who so much as looked in my direction. I made good grades, but had to work my butt of to get them. I had one best friend, Alice, and together we pretty much ignored everyone else and just trudged our way through four years of perpetual bullshit.

I met Edward in college and I have no problem admitting that the first time I met him, I thought he was a complete and utter ass. But he was an ass that I was automatically head over heels in love with. In the beginning, he was cocky and so self assured that I just wanted to hit him upside the head with my textbook. We had been assigned as lab partners for our chemistry class, and argued about every single aspect of our assignments.

For two months I hated him. I complained non-stop to Alice, who just gave me her all knowing smile and shrugged her shoulders. She had told me from the first day I mentioned Edward, she knew I would marry him. I told her she was full of shit.

I had given Edward my phone number, email address, and AIM screen name in case he needed to get a hold of me for chemistry projects. But, he had never done more than send me an occasional text message asking me to meet him at the lab.

Alice and I had gone out to see some guy she knew sing at this sleazy bar one night. It was the type of bar where you have middle aged women in spandex, and middle aged men fawning over the only two women in there under the age of thirty. I turned down more men that night than I had ever done in my entire life, half of which I knew were married.

When I got home that night, I sent an instant message to my brother telling him about our evening. It wasn't until after I had gone into great detail about one particular man with roaming hands, that I realized I had not sent the IM to Emmett, but to Edward instead.

Before he could respond, I shut my computer down and shook my head at my own stupid mistake. Less than five minutes later, I got a phone call from Edward asking me out on a date. Turns out Edward was the jealous type, and Alice was right all along.

I pretty much knew from the beginning that I loved Edward. I loved his goofy crooked smile, the way his hair was all over the place, and how his eyes changed to different shades of green depending on his mood. I loved how he stuck the tip of his tongue out when he was really concentrating on something. But mostly, I loved how we made an "us".

Edward and I were together for six years before he finally asked me to marry him. I first broached the topic on our three year anniversary. We both knew that neither one of us were ready for marriage at twenty one. But after two more years passed I began to get a little worried.

I had met Edward's parents, and knew that in his mother's eyes I was nothing more than a distraction in her son's life. When I met Tanya, I was blindsided to see how obvious Esme was about wanting the two of them to get back together. As another year passed, I couldn't help but worry that I just wasn't good enough for Edward. I didn't come from a family with money who vacationed in Europe. I worked two jobs to pay off my student loans. And I sure as hell wasn't what Esme deemed appropriate for her only child to marry and start a family with.

But, in Edward's eyes I was. He didn't see me as an in between girlfriend. He saw me as forever, and I saw him as Mr. Right and my happily ever after.

"Bells?"

I shook my head and saw Edward standing outside the car with my door open. I undid my seat belt and took his hand as he helped me out of the car.

"Sorry. I was just thinking."

He shut the car door and we walked hand in hand up the pathway leading to the house.

"Thinking about what?"

I smiled and leaned into him "Us."

As he leaned down to kiss me, the front door flew open and Esme stood there smiling at us.

"Hi kids!"

I smirked at the stupid little apron she was wearing and hoped it passed as a smile.

"Hi mom." Edward laughed at what I assumed was also the apron, but I decided to keep my mouth shut.

I stepped forward to hug her, but she grabbed Edwards hand and pulled him into the house leaving me standing on the front porch. I closed my eyes and ground my teeth together. In all honesty if I didn't know any better, I would say Esme had a thing for her son.

I walked into the house and shut the door behind me. I could hear Esme's high pitch squawk coming from the den, mixed with another voice I couldn't quite place. I shrugged out of my jacket and hung it on the coat rack. As I straightened my shirt, I saw Carlisle heading down the hallway towards me.

"It's Bella!" He smiled and pulled me into a hug.

"Were you expecting someone else?" I laughed as he handed me a full glass. My nose crinkled at the strong smell of alcohol, but took a sip anyway.

He laughed as I began coughing at how strong he had made my drink, and he patted me on the back.

"I made it strong. You will need it."

"Oh no."

I looked around his shoulder towards the den wondering what exactly he would be preparing me for.

"Esme invited another guest for dinner."

"Who?"

"Tanya."

Esme was Satan. She was Satan in a tailored Talbot's pantsuit and stupid frilly apron. She had to be eliminated. Thoughts of hitting her with my car, or maybe even seeing if Carlisle had any drugs in the house I could slip in her food or drink filled my head. I downed the rest of the drink as Edward's father watched with a look of shock on his face.

"Bella, I made these really strong."

I ignored his protests and finished the drink. I handed him the empty glass back as my chest burned from the alcohol. If I was going to make it through this night, I would need a little medicating, and my happy pills just weren't going to cut it. I squared my shoulders and marched down the hallway to the den.

You know those moments in your life where you see a situation playing out in your head like a movie with soundtrack and all? This was one of those moments. I could hear the lyrics to a particular song running through my head. The thumping of the base matched my footsteps and pushed me into a room. where in my mind I was facing two of the worst creatures imaginable. I instinctively cracked my knuckles as I rounded the corner. and marched into the den. The cackling laughter of my mother in law made my stomach lurch.

I eyed the large room to find my husband sitting in one of the oversized leather chairs laughing along with Tanya. who was sitting on the ottoman in front of him with her perfectly manicured hand resting on his knee. You've got to be fucking kidding me.

I smiled and ground my teeth together as I made my way over to Edward. He stood and kissed the top of my head before retelling the amusing story Tanya had apparently just told. While he prattled on. I eyed the woman standing in front of me.

I took notice of her ridiculously shiny blonde hair that was perfectly styled. Her makeup looked flawless and timeless, and it matched her straight out of In Style magazine clothes. I wanted to kick her in her in her stupid Barbie like face.

"Bella, how nice to see you again."

As she hugged me I patted her back a little harder than necessary, but smiled and batted my eyelashes at her as she straightened up. Take that Barbie.

Edward handed me another drink, one I am sure wasn't near as strong as I needed, but I immediately downed it. Carlisle chuckled under his breath as I handed the empty glass back to Edward and asked for another one. He winked at me before excusing himself to check on dinner.

"Bella you know there was alcohol in that right?"

"Yes Edward. I know." I took his full glass and took a large drink from it.

Edward took his glass back from me and replaced it with water.

"Easy killer. You haven't eaten all day."

I started to say something when Esme's chipper ass voice interrupted me.

"Oh Bella are you dieting? I think that's a good choice, especially with the holidays coming up."

My mouth fell open, and all I could so was stand there looking like an idiot while my husband rubbed my back soothingly.

"Mother."

"Well all know she has a sweet tooth. All I'm saying is why not think ahead."

She waved her hands nonchalantly and smiled when Carlisle returned and told us dinner was ready.

As everyone made their way into the dining room I pulled on Edward's arm keeping him back. Once room was empty I grabbed both of his arms and looked him square in the eye.

"What the hell is your mother thinking?"

He shook his head while bringing his hand up to cup my face. I closed my eyes and leaned my head into his hand while taking deep breaths.

"Bella you know how she is. Just ignore her."

"Edward, she hates me. I can't just ignore that."

"She doesn't hate you, she is just…"

I nodded my head at his loss of words.

"Exactly! She is out of her ever loving mind inviting Tanya here and not even telling us!"

He laughed and ran his thumb slowly over my cheek.

"Bella, I love you. And there is no need for you to be worried or jealous of Tanya."

I nodded my head, and after a quick make out session that was interrupted by his mother's incessant throat clearing, we made it to the dining room.

I kept telling myself that if I could just keep my mouth shut for the next hour and half that I would be golden. I would just smile and nod politely when anyone said something. My plan worked for about twenty seconds.

As we ate, Edward and his father talked quietly at one end of the table while Satan and Barbie were doing everything in their power to make my life a living hell. I shoveled food into my mouth as they talked about the good ole days when Edward and Tanya had been dating.

I kept refilling my wine glass and knew I would pay for this shit tomorrow. But at this moment I didn't care. I was annoyed and well beyond pissed off. I deserved sainthood for the shit these two were putting me through.

"And Esme, remember when you caught the two of us making out in the pool while we were on that vacation in Mexico?"

I held onto the side of my chair while their obnoxious giggles continued.

"I knew the two of you weren't off looking at sea turtles. I wasn't born yesterday."

I downed the rest of my sixth glass of wine and bit my lip to keep from screaming at the two of them.

"Well at least you caught us in the pool and not in the bedroom right?"

That was it. I couldn't handle any more of this horseshit.

"Edward and I fucked in the pool in your backyard Esme."

I heard Carlisle coughing as he choked on his food. I heard Edward's fork drop onto his plate and the bounce off and land on the floor. I continued smiling as Esme gasped and held her hand over her mouth, while Tanya just stared at me.

"It was last fourth of July. Everyone was watching the fireworks and we created little fireworks of our own. Remember Edward? What was it? Like four times right?"

I picked up another bottle of wine to pour myself another glass, but Edward pulled it out of my hand.

"I think you've had enough Bella."

I glared at my husband and reached across him and took the bottle back.

"Well excuse me, but if I am going to have to sit here and listen to your mother retell the stories of the good ole days of when you felt up little miss preteen Barbie over there, then I believe I am entitled to drink more than usual."

"Excuse me." Tanya dropped her napkin on the table and made to stand up from her chair.

"Oh dear don't leave."

I glared as Esme's hand stopped her from standing up.

"No Tanya stay." I stood up and threw my napkin on the table.

Edward grabbed for my hand but I pulled it out of his grasp.

"You are obviously more welcome in this house than I am. I'll find my own way home. No need to ruin your evening with my husband."

"Bella stop."

Edward stood and grabbed my arm, making me topple backwards and drop the bottle of wine which covered Tanya in a deep burgundy liquid. She gasped and flew back from the table.

I started to laugh as Esme blotted Tanya's shirt with her napkin, but as I opened my mouth I stopped. My throat suddenly felt numb and my mouth began to water in a weird way. I knew that feeling, and knew I had maybe three seconds to get out of this room before I made a huge mess.

Edward's hands were still clamped around my arms, and as I tried to pull away from him Esme stepped between Tanya and me. I tried to swallow back what was coming, but it didn't help.

"Edward…"

I moaned and then lurched forward, puking all over my mother in law's tailored Talbot's pantsuit and custom made hardwood floors.

As I kept heaving I felt Edward behind me with his arm around my waist, while his other hand held my hair back. I heard Esme screaming. She tried to climb over Tanya to get away from my projectile vomit, and I couldn't help but feel a little satisfied.

I slumped back against Edward once I had finished throwing up. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against his chest and smiled slightly to myself.

Take that Satan.

Again..this is dedicated to my husband. Who spent an hour arguing with me about the correct way to mop. I love you.

I also have to dedicate this to my BFF... who never reads fanfic.. but we survive horrible inlaws together and I love her. Allyface... this is for you!!

Di... LMAO.. you are just too awesome for words and I heart you.