When he got inside it was late, and he was tired. He could hear Trucy talking on her phone, and though she bounced up to ask him how the wedding was when she saw him, he told her to go to bed in a flat voice. He had too many thoughts to sort through and not enough energy for them all.
She pouted at him.
"We'll talk in the morning, Truce."
He couldn't stop thinking about it in the shower, as he washed away the day. Why would I want him to kiss me, like he'd driven me home at the end of a date? In theory he was okay with the idea that a man could have a stray thought about another man, but it was Edgeworth. Edgeworth was off limits for that sort of thought.
His brain rewound to the moment of imagining it. Imagining leaning in, taking Edgeworth's lower lip between his teeth and-
"Wow, no," he said to himself.
He looked down. His body didn't seem to be listening.
He refused to touch himself while thinking about Edgeworth. Cold thoughts, cold thoughts. He's your childhood friend. It would be weird and wrong. A thought about Redd White and Grossberg doing it on a pile of coleslaw finally stopped the upward progress of his dick. He turned the shower off and went to bed.
But the idea of it returned. He didn't need to be this messed up over one thought. But maybe- maybe once, sitting next to Edgeworth at one of Trucy's shows, he'd imagined Edgeworth putting his arm over the back of Phoenix's chair, and leaning back into it. He might have been drawn to the smell of Edgeworth's cologne. Okay, so- maybe this wasn't the first time he'd had the thought. Maybe this was just the progression of the thought, the logical next step for his brain to take when it wasn't being logical.
"This is so stupid," he said against the silence of his bedroom.
It was four am by the time he got his brain to stop worrying at that one thought, and go to sleep.
Larry called the next morning at a ridiculous hour. Everyone else moved into their thirties and got to experience the joy of three day hangovers, but not Larry, apparently, who thought calling anyone before 9am on a weekend was a good idea.
"Nick, buddy, we should hang out. We'll go to a bar and we'll catch up without anyone being accused of a crime first. What do you say?"
Phoenix groaned the groan of a man who'd really been looking forward to more than five hours of sleep. "Sorry, Larry. I promised Maya I'd hang out with her before she has to go back to Kurain village." Total lie, but he was going to make it true as soon as he could. "All week. I'm all booked out."
"Can I come?" Larry asked.
Okay, maybe not the great excuse Phoenix had been thinking it was for a moment. He grasped around for an answer. Wait, there was something. "Do you really think it's a good idea? She's still mad at you for catching that bouquet." Take that!
"You wouldn't let her hurt me, would you?" Larry whined
"You say let her like I'd have any control over it." Phoenix yawned his way through the sentence.
"That's not fair!"
It was too early to convince himself to care. Phoenix put his phone back on the bedside table without even bothering to hang up the call, and rolled over to bury his head in the pillows.
He awoke, eons later, to Larry saying, "Thanks for listening, dude."
"Any time, Larry."
When Larry finally hung up, Phoenix yawned and stretched, reviewing the events of the night before, and imagined kissing Edgeworth all over again. If this kept happening he really was going to have to talk to Maya about it, so she could make fun of him until he got his head straight.
He needed to understand what was happening in his brain. Okay, he looked at evidence and figured out what it meant for a living. He could figure out what this meant. He got out of bed because he did his best thinking standing up, put one hand against his face to stimulate his brain, and tried to work his way through it.
First, he was definitely attracted to Edgeworth, even in broad daylight, first thing in the morning, without Edgeworth even doing anything to make himself worth kissing. He might even have been attracted for years without even noticing. I am too old to have a crush on Edgeworth. This is embarrassing.
But it wasn't as if he'd suddenly stopped being attracted to women overnight. Almost all the women he knew were mentally off-limits to think about that way, due to having known them as teenagers, but if he thought about some strange woman with nice legs he'd seen on the street, the women on movie posters, some of the women he'd seen in the courthouse, there was definitely a reaction. So maybe Edgeworth was the exception to his heterosexuality?
But he had to think over all the facts to make sure and that meant re-examining everything. Was he attracted to any other men? Was there precedence for this? He tried to think through his reactions to every man he'd ever known. The judge was definitely not his type and he'd rather throw himself out of a window than be turned on by Larry. Blackquill might have been nice underneath the weird laugh and terrifying hair, but Phoenix had never been particularly drawn to nice, and the idea of Blackquill taking his clothes off threw up a 'wrong way, go back' sign in his brain. Apollo was too young and Phoenix didn't really want to be the kind of person who lusted after employees, even if Apollo was off on his own now. And while he'd heard that Klavier Gavin made men question their heterosexuality, he couldn't say he'd ever felt the same.
Was that everyone? Phoenix asked himself, before his brain reminded him that he'd been acquainted with another Gavin for many years. Another Gavin who was poised and good-looking and also a total psycho.
"No," he said to himself, horrified at the thought. Being attracted to Kristoph would be awful. Really, really awful. He'd always felt there was a near-sexual charge to hiding how much he loathed Kristoph but maybe there was nothing near about it at all. Phoenix wished he hadn't realised this at all. That kind of revelation before he was even caffeinated was just unfair.
With all that evidence there was only one possible conclusion: he was definitely, definitely not straight after all.
#
Was the waiter attractive, and if he was, was Phoenix supposed to be noticing it? Phoenix had been officially not-straight for barely a day but already he felt like he was failing at it. He narrowed his eyes at the waiter, who juggled the plates well but nearly walked into a table. That was a no, then.
"Earth to Nick. Come in, Nick. How is it on planet oblivious?" Maya said.
Phoenix turned back to look at her. "It's great. I'm going to set up a new civilisation there and never pay attention to anyone again."
Maya scoffed and sipped her drink. "If you asked me here to ignore me, then it's a good thing you're paying."
"You're the one who chose a burger place with the slowest service in the world." Half an hour in Maya's presence and already he felt himself reverting to how he'd acted at the age of 24. Part of him hoped that would never change.
"The burgers here are supposed to be really good!"
He might get to see evidence of that if they arrived before the next ice age. Maya nudged him as if to remind him as if to remind him she was still there, waiting for a real conversation to happen.
Phoenix breathed in deep. "In your opinion as a straight woman, do you think that waiter is attractive?"
As soon as he saw the look of mischief on her face he knew that was the wrong way to start.
"How can you know that I'm straight? Maybe I'm planning to run off with Ema Skye as we speak. I could be pining for Franziska von Karma after our long ago night of forbidden passion in the mountains," she said.
"I don't think that really happened."
"You will never know. That's between me and her whip."
Phoenix buried his face in his hands. "I'm asking a serious question." He should have known better to ask a serious question that wasn't about murder, before the burgers arrived at their table.
"And the waiter is seriously not hot," Maya answered.
"What about Edgeworth? Would you say he's attractive?"
"If you like squinting and weird pale eyebrows, sure. You're not trying to set me up with him, are you, Nick? "
"What? No!" This conversation was spiralling rapidly out of control... not that it had ever been in control.
"I always thought he was gay," Maya said. She had her deep thinking face on. "Are you trying to figure out what I like so you can set me up with someone else? I don't need that when Sister Bikini tried it, either."
Phoenix groaned in discomfort. "I would never do that. I value my life." He let his shoulders slump and then flopped face first onto the table. "I'm trying to say- that is, I mean that, uh- If I happened to be attracted to a man, I might want to talk to you about it. But maybe not, because you're terrible."
Maya burst out laughing. "Do you want me to get the waiter's number for you, because he's coming this way."
"No, I would never." She was right; he was seriously not hot.
Then Maya gasped and said, "You have a crush on Edgeworth. That's why you're asking if he's cute," and laughed even harder.
Phoenix looked up at her. "No. Shut up!"
"You do! You want to marry him and have his frilly cravat babies."
"That's not even possib- Fine, he's attractive. I find him attractive. Stop laughing at me."
Finally, he was saved by the arrival of the burgers. Even Maya couldn't eat and laugh at the same time. The burgers were huge and they oozed cheese and grease and slimy sauce all over the plates. After all that, Phoenix didn't really want to eat.
"You could take my embarrassing late in life sexual identity crisis more seriously," Phoenix said.
Maya stopped in the middle of chewing. A piece of lettuce fell out of her burger and fell wetly to the plate. "Didn't you know you're bisexual already? I thought you knew."
"Of course I didn't know! If you knew, why didn't you tell me?"
"I thought you knew. You're 35."
"I know how old I am." Phoenix wanted to cover his face with his hands again. He could feel himself burning red with embarrassment. "Why couldn't I have figured this out at college like a normal person?"
"It's nice that you felt safe to come to me with this," Maya said, surprisingly sincere, and then resumed chewing the horrifying abomination masquerading as a burger.
"Thanks, Maya," he said.
#
"So, what are you going to do about it, Nick?" Maya asked.
"Do about what? I have no control over how expensive burgers are." Phoenix hoped a nice post-food walk would at least help him get his head straight. Well, not straight exactly, but less overwhelmed. That the only thing he could manage to think about at that moment was his desire to gently touch Edgeworth's face was bewildering to him.
"I'm talking about you and Mr Edgeworth! Should you declare your feelings first or just kiss him?" Maya seemed to have the whole course of the relationship figured into a series of options already.
"I choose neither. I've been bisexual for about five seconds. I'm not ready to do anything about it."
Maya stopped walking to look sympathetically at him, which was the only thing more alarming than when she mocked him. "Not five seconds, three decades. You just didn't notice until now. For a smart guy you don't notice a lot of things. So are you going to tell him your feelings now, or waste more time?"
Phoenix could feel himself slumping over more with every moment. "What's the point? I think I'm an okay person, but Edgeworth is someone who drives a sports car and owns investment properties and doesn't need a teenager to help him with his taxes. He's definitely not going to be interested in someone like me when he can find someone on his own level."
"I hate having to say this, Nick, but you're a really cute guy. You're funny and smart, and nobody understands the tax system anyway. You could get an Edgeworth. You could get someone much more handsome and manly if you wanted. I believe in you!"
"Maybe, but..." Phoenix trailed off. He couldn't imagine Edgeworth ever wanting to return his feelings. Edgeworth was one of the least cool people he'd ever met but he had a brilliant mind and a surprisingly sharp jaw line. Who wouldn't want a chance to face his cutting wit? He probably had lots of men vying for his attention. Even so... "You heard him in that courtroom. How could I want to be with someone who didn't believe in the power of love? And he'll never want to get married."
"Hey, whoa! Who said anything about marriage? I thought you were just going to ask him on a date."
"Uh..." He could feel the sweat starting to gather on his forehead.
"That's not just a crush. Are you in love with him?" Phoenix felt he should object but suddenly couldn't find any evidence to defend himself against that charge.
He put up a token argument – but he knew it was weak. Neither he nor Maya was convinced by his feeble arguments. They argued about frilly cravat babies all the way back to her hotel.