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SMeyer owns Twilight.

Enjoy!

-Wings

A Heart Forsaken

Leaning against the banister on the edge of portico, drinking the tartest lemonade to ever exist, I sighed in defeat. It was as horrendous as I knew it would be. I'd never been good in the kitchen. If anything needed to be prepared for consumption, I indisputably could not handle the task. Why I thought this time would be different was beyond me. I noticed the look on the kitchen maids face when I insisted to help. The look was not just for the preposterous suggestion of having the lady of the house doing chore work.

I was horrifying in the kitchen.

I'd even doubled the sugar this time.

It didn't help.

I'd recently heard the phrase If life gives you lemons...make lemonade and that's exactly what I had set out to do.

"What a joke," I muttered to myself, "I can't even make lemonade."

It was another brilliant plan gone south.

Since my engagement last month, I had been feeling uneasy. Our courting had gone on splendidly and I had looked forward to the moment of his proposal for months. When the time came, it did not fill me with the completeness that I had been expecting. Instead it left me with an empty, sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach. I knew this feeling meant that something was not right.

What are you so upset about? You weren't dealt lemons. This is a blessing.

Even with these thoughts, I couldn't halt the sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach. As hard as I may try to ignore it, something wasn't right and it had not been right ever since I had agreed to marry Jacob Black.

At first I thought it was because I had no family to share the news with. The reality of knowing that my mother would not be sitting in the church with red-brimmed eyes and my father would not be the one to give me away.

The only family I had was Edward Masen.

And he wasn't even family.

At eleven years old, my parents were killed by a savage animal and there was no other family left to claim me, I had been orphaned. I was heartbroken and left hurting with the uncertainty of my future because of the abrupt absence of my parents, and I had nowhere to go but to the trenches. Which was where I was more than likely going to end up.

My parents had not an article to leave me; no family, no money, not even our small farm. They barely pulled in enough to feed us with my father's paltry mining wages. I was left utterly helpless.

It was then, I realized, that I had to start guarding my heart. The death of my parents had been so horrendously painful that I swore to never let myself suffer it again. I was alone and knew that no matter what happened my heart would always remain that way- alone. I vowed I would not let it break ever again. I used my grief as a shield from any emotion too deep for others. There would be no more deep bonds.

No more ties to my lone heart.

Perhaps, I thought, that is the problem. You should drop your guard and feel. Finally allow yourself a connection to Jacob. You'll feel better. Your uneasiness will fade.

I had been full of gratitude and relief when an old friend of my father's stepped up and claimed me. He'd arrived just in time to keep me from being impoverished. The fact that I had never met nor heard of the man did not matter to me. He had offered me somewhere to sleep at night, somewhere to eat and bathe; He had offered hope for a future.

I was not going to complain.

The mystifying man frightened the hell out of me with his large muscled frame and cold dead eyes. It took all of one look from him to know the man was as deadly as they came and to realize he did not like me. I had only a fleeting thought of why this man was helping me in the first place before I locked the thought away. Beggars couldn't be choosers; I didn't have many choices. He was my best hope.

He set me up in a nicer residence than I had lived in with my own parents, a white Victorian with soft blue shutters and a spacious wraparound porch. He compensated for the best schooling and made sure I was always tailored into the most luxurious and elegant gowns. He allowed me to purchase trinkets that I had only ever dreamed about.

Edward did not live in the house. I had been left alone in the care of a nanny and the other servants. In fact, Edward only showed up every couple years to "manage business dealings." Even then, I had barely seen him.

When he would arrive for one of his "visits" he would take one look at me and mutter somewhat of a greeting or just a humph before he would tell me to scatter off and find something to do. I would never see him until dinner and that was spent uneasily listening to the only noise in the dining room -the sound of the silver clanking the fine china.

There had never been any discussions about my parents. I never had the audacity to ask how he knew my father or why he felt the need to take me on when no one else would. Not even the priest and his wife, dear friends of my parents, had wanted to help me. Only the reclusive Edward Masen, mystery friend from a small town in the south had the notion to help me.

I owed him my life.

I wondered how he had taken the news of my engagement; I supposed he was now pleased to be liberated of me. He had only taken me on out of sympathy or obligation to a debt to my father. I had assumed an elaborate tale since I knew I would never ask him nor would he offer any information.

I had only seen him a total of five times since my admittance into his life. He never stayed longer than a couple weeks each time. I barely knew the man; he was still as much a mystery as he was ten years ago. His last visit, when I was seventeen, only lasted two days before he rode off on his black horse. I'd watched him from my window, hastily arranging the saddle, from behind the drapes. He'd glanced up at my window before mounting the horse and taking off in a cloud of dust. I had wondered what had sent him away at such a late hour. I had a feeling it had been me, that he somehow had seen through me, and prayed he had not noticed my infatuation. It was not my fault that he was extremely good-looking and my hormones had gone crazy since the last time I had seen him.

Surely his departure meant something. I had noticed him stare at me, a deep burning in his eyes, as we had eaten dinner that night. He seemed incensed. I had wondered if it had been because of the way I had been blubbering in his presence, blushing every time I had looked at him. I had not remembered him being so striking. I had only remembered him as a cold and feared man. It was the first time I realized that he had aged very well.

I knew I was a burden and concluded that he had probably been upset that I had yet to be called upon. I had overstayed my welcome. He probably thought when he decided to take me as his ward that I would have been married off by then. I always wondered, though, why he had not seen to marriage arrangements himself. As my guardian it was his duty. Had it been that he had not cared enough to see to it? Or had he tried and no one wanted me?

I spent the last three years confused and waiting for such an arrangement so when Jacob Black began his courting, I obliged him with what I could. I wanted to be taken away, wanted, cherished, desired and loved.

Jacob was the logical choice in a husband, wealthy, handsome, and my time had been running out. I did not want Edward to think I was taking advantage of his loyalty to my father…..or his money. Perhaps he already thought that.

I needed to get married. Had to.

And it had occurred to me that it was apparently my duty to find a husband.

I forced myself to take another sip of the vile yellow drink, effectively using it to distract my thoughts. I had already decided that marrying Jacob was the best course of action and I would be following through with it.

I would finally endeavor to strip off the invisible breast plate that has, for so long, been my blockade to any sort of strong connection with another individual, and then work on the layers of protection that have delimited my heart since I learned of heartbreak ten years ago.

I would allow myself to feel.

I would allow myself to connect.

I would allow myself to…love.

Perhaps, I'd honestly say "I love you" in just one month on our wedding day.

ooo

I heard the sound of hooves as I sat in the parlor room with Mitzy and set down the two swatches of fabric I had been debating."That must be Mary Alice." I said as I walked to the door to greet the seamstress. "Perhaps she has brought some white silk."

Mitzy nodded in agreement as she hurried past me and opened the door. I stepped out onto the portico and down the steps, bringing my left hand up to block the sun from my eyes; noticing right away there was no carriage. "It must not be Mary Alice." I told Mitzy. I had a sneaking suspicion and was already dreading who it could be. I turned toward the stables.

Edward Masen was standing with the stable boy speaking quietly. I stared at the man wondering why on earth he had returned without warning. I had not seen him since the night he left in a hurry three years ago. I watched as the stable boy took a bag from Edward and headed towards the house.

"Did you get any warning, Mitzy?" I whispered. He usually sends a letter to get his quarters prepared as he's very particular.

"No." She squeaked.

"Well, get on it then." I said, giving her a pointed look.

The anxious woman was shaking as she ran off into the house to start preparing his rooms. I shared the sentiment. My heart had started beating erratically.

I stood there staring at him through squinted eyes as he busied himself around his horse, not really paying attention to what he was doing. He seemed distracted.

I stood there waiting for him to turn around and acknowledge me but he - in no way - seemed to be aware of me. I walked towards him, trying to focus on only the terrain crunch beneath my feet not the familiar feeling of tingling anxiety in the pit of my stomach. The same feeling that always accompanied his presence.

There was something eccentric about the man, like he held the power of the elements and at any moment could will them to eradicate whomever he desired. That he wanted to eradicate someone. It was not just I who felt this way. I had seen the way women batted their eyelashes flirtatiously at the incredibly attractive man but still had mind enough to stay a safe distance away from him and the way men held their bodies defensively in his presence as if prepared to defend at any moment and they too kept a safe distance from the powerful man.

I stopped behind him, noticing the lean muscles flex with his movement beneath his riding coat. He went still and I heard what sounded like a growl. He had to have heard my approach. The gravel was not necessarily quiet. Was he irritated I came to greet him?

After a long pause, he turned and without looking at me, nodded a greeting and walked right past me and into the house.

He was annoyed.

I stood there shocked, embarrassed, and wishing that I had never come out here in the first place. There was something else there too, a warning of sorts, something I was over-looking.

Still, I was baffled, and wondered why he seemed irritated with me and I could not come up with any valid answer. Had he not received my letter? Did he not know that I will no longer be his responsibility in a month? I sent that letter a month ago. It only takes two weeks on horseback to get here. He received it.

Should he not be happy about it?

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. When I opened them I stared at the empty path in which Edward had taken into the house. I was angry now. What in the hell was his problem? He ignored me for the past ten years! Left me in the dark about everything! And I took his silence with a gracious smile never questioning the cold bastard!

"That is going to change," I growled.

There will be blood.

There will be romance.

There will be dark themes.

Get your helmets.

Enjoy the ride.

;) Wings