That night was a ghost of dream as he stood in the Harrowing Chamber the following afternoon. Katelyn tested herself in the Fade and Cullen stood ready with a blade to cut her down should she fail. It was his duty as a Templar but he prayed silently to the Maker that he would not have to fulfill it. The Circle mages knew better than to openly resist a Templar's orders but it was hard not to hear the way some of them whispered of their supposed cruelty. Not Katelyn however, she never spoke ill of him or his brothers. Even if it was his duty to kill an Abomination, he did not believe he could live with himself should she be host to the demon he must slay. Katelyn was fair and kind and Cullen begged forgiveness often for the thoughts he had about the woman.
Time passed dreadfully slow and Cullen's heart beat painfully in his chest. It was all he could hear in the Harrowing Chamber save for Katelyn's ragged breathing. Any sign of struggle on the mage's sleeping face, real or imagined, brought the grip on the young Templar's sword even tighter. Cullen steeled himself for the worst, knowing he could not hesitate no matter what his feelings. He would take the sword and plunge it deep into the Abomination's chest. He would not dwell on the demon's vessel and he would not risk the lives of anyone in the room by stopping to grieve for the loss of one mage. It was his duty.
And then she awoke, weary but unchanged. Both the First Enchanter and the senior mages confirmed her state of mind and declared that Katelyn Amell had passed her Harrowing. She was apprentice no longer. Cullen had expected he would cheer and run to the young woman's side but he found he could not move. As Irving escorted the exhausted mage out of the Chamber and to her quarters, the Knight-Commander stepped up to lay a hand on Cullen's shoulder.
"You may put your weapon away now, son. It is done." The Templar nodded and sheathed his blade, feeling strangely numb now that Katelyn had left the room.
A storm of thoughts whirled in his head when he returned to his regular duties. Guarding doors and observing lessons, vigilant work that suited him. The clouds in his mind had all but cleared when he returned to his post outside the dormitories that evening. It was past midnight, the Knight-Commander had just passed him in his patrols, and Katelyn was out of her bed past curfew once again. The sight of her brought back the hard beating of his heart and the feeling of dread from the Harrowing Chamber. She appeared disheveled; her dark hair was as mussed as if she had been in bed all day but her grey eyes were as tired as if she had been awake for days on end.
And yet, there was that smile. "Evening, Cullen. Are you going to congratulate me?"
He remembered the easy way he had spoken with her the night before, the way they both smiled and laughed. But now he just felt grave. She spoke as if he had not been authorized to kill her hours ago and his face must have betrayed the guilt he felt in his heart.
"What's wrong?" she asked, as if she did not know.
Cullen turned his away from her, determined not to look upon her for fear that the darkness in his heart would twist her beautiful face into an Abomination. He could not relive that nightmare.
"It was not supposed to be like this, Katelyn, I-" he choked and all words left him.
The young mage was worried now for both their sakes. She glanced uneasily down either end of the hall and then touched the Templar's arm ever so lightly.
"Do you want to go somewhere to talk?"