Chapter One:

Let it be known that shopping for the perfect wedding gift ain't easy.

"What about these?" Chloe asked, waving a pair of crystal candlesticks in my direction.

I paused and considered. And then I put my thumb down.

"Do you really want to be the guest who handed over a set of candlesticks that'll get thrown in a cupboard and never be used again?" I said knowledgeably, and went to admire some opulent silk bed sheets until I realized it costed 800 gald. 800 gald! As if I was going to spend that much on Senny.

"Well… no." Chloe said morosely, looking slightly alarmed at the very idea and put the candlesticks back on the shelf.

"Hey C, look at this!" I yelled and held up a small satin pillow with little ruffles around the edges. "This is a 'ringer' for sure! Ha ha ha… get it? Ringer? Ringer? This is what the ring bearer carries!"

Chloe proceeded to pretend that she didn't know me. How rude.

"Oh check out these!" I held up a pair of oven mitts priced at a respectable 20 gald. "It's not costly and it prevents their hands from suffering second degree burns while they cook potluck dinners."

"Oh Norma--- oven mitts? What did I tell you about being cheap?" Chloe admonished as she examined a couple of His and Her towel hangers.

"I'm not being cheap." I insisted sulkily, even though I was. "I just don't see the point in spending too much on money on Senny and Shirl. They're already going to get a bajillion presents from the other bajillion guests they invited to the wedding."

Chloe stopped poking around at some picture frames and looked at me with a serious expression on her face. "Well it's not like we have to give them anything expensive —you know they won't really care if you gave them oven mitts...."

I nodded vigorously and waved the mitts like a victorious flag over my head.

"…But our gift to Senel and Shirley is supposed to be a symbol of our best wishes. The more thought we put into the gift, the more likely it is to reflect that message," she reached over to snag the mitts away from my grip, "Which means no shortcuts."

Curse Chloe and her consideration for others! Not to mention her inability to do things the easy way. Even I was starting to reevaluate what we should get Senel and Shirley.

"Okay fine. But if we're going to go with the whole 'thoughtful gift idea', I don't think we'll find one in here." I stated, gesturing at all the soulless merchandise upon the immaculate shelving within the small bridal store we were standing in. If we really were going to give them a present that represented our support for their union, we might as well do it right. I mean, can you imagine Senal pulling out a stupid clock and going, "Oh what a thoughtful gift, it really shows that they care about us and have faith that this marriage isn't going to end in an uglyass divorce."

"You know I think you're right." Chloe agreed.

"Of course I am. When have I ever steered you wrong?"

Chloe gave me a long look and didn't reply which left me feeling totally offended.

It wasn't until later that afternoon when we were getting ready for our boat ride to the Legacy that I came up with the most ingenious idea of what to get Senel and Shirley. Not only was it going to be hella sentimental, it wouldn't even cost me one gald!

I was sitting on Chloe's bed, rummaging through my luggage for this awesome candy I brought with me that pop and crackle in your mouth so that I could freak Chloe out a little when I came across this present my parents bought me after I finally visited them and told them I graduated from the academy. It's this really fancy schmancy video camera and I guess it was their way of trying to make amends with me by showering me with material goods. Which hey - I've got no complaints with. It was actually kind of nice of them since after I mentioned that I was still planning on traveling and doing my crazy treasure hunting thing, they wanted me to have the camera to record my silly adventures so that they would be able to experience them too.

So yeah, here I was digging through my belongings and lo and behold - the video camera winks up at me from where I nestled it in a pair of shorts. And then I was struck by this totally spiffy idea - what if we went around and recorded messages of everyone we knew, wishing Senel and Shirley a happy marriage and all that jazz? Wouldn't that be nice? Wouldn't that make them feel all warm and fuzzy inside?

Chloe walked into the bedroom.

"Hey what if we went around and recorded messages of everyone we know wishing Senny and Shirl a happy marriage and all that jazz?" I piped up, showing her the camera.

Chloe's eyes widened. "Norma that's brilliant!"

"I know, right?"

"We'll all be able to express our feelings—"

"Senny and Shirl will be able to look back at our messages with fond contentment—"

"It'll give everybody a chance to participate—"

"And we won't have to spend any money—"

"Yes!"

"Ho snap!"

We both hi-fived each other, giddy with excitement.

"Okay you're up first!" I ordered, switching the camera on and focusing it on Chloe. "Go!"

"W-what? No!" Chloe started to flail her arms around anxiously. "I don't have anything written!" She tried to cover the lens with her hand.

I attempted to shift the camera away from her fumbling grasp. "C! Just act natural! You're supposed to say what's in your heart—"

But Chloe wouldn't stop acting camera shy so I had to turn the machine off and set it in my lap.

"Just give me some time to let me figure out what to say first." Chloe pleaded, blushing a little.

"All right all right." I conceded. "But you're not worming your way out of this."

I was planning on accosting Chloe again with the camera once we were on the ship but one look at Chloe upchucking her meal into the ocean below was all that it took for me to take pity on her. Clutching her stomach, Chloe rested her head against the side of the ship's railing, not appearing to care if there were splinters. At this particular moment in time, she looked like she just wanted to die and be done with it.

"I thought you sailed on ships all the time," I said, leaning against a nearby crate. "You've been going back and forth from the Mainland to the Legacy for ages. In fact -- the Legacy is one giant ship."

Chloe opened her mouth to respond but a millisecond later, she was leaning over the edge, tossing up all the contents of her stomach into the open waters.

I wrinkled my nose. Ew.

After awhile, Chloe's face reappeared within my line of vision again, hair clinging all over her blotchy, sweaty face. Usually not what you would consider an image of desirability, and yet, she still looked hot.

I tried to wrap my head around it but ultimately failed to understand why Chloe still looked freakin' gorgeous even with remnants of food and bile dribbling down the side of her mouth.

Bitch.

It just wasn't fair. She was supposed to look like hell! Hell I tell you!

I watched as more wild strands of black hair fell over Chloe's face, curtaining her eyes and hiding her flushed expression. Physically-wise, Chloe hasn't changed much from the three years that I've known her. The only difference is that her hair is a little longer now — shoulder-length — and she doesn't wear the spandex suit anymore. Which was a shame, 'cause if anyone could pull off wearing spandex and not look like a turd, it would be Chloe.

The boat we were assigned to travel to Port-on-Rage was pretty monstrous and I mostly stayed on deck with poor Chloe. After about half an hour of watching her moan and dry heave and shudder every time she looked at the watery depths below, I pulled out a notebook and started jotting down notes of eligible bachelors to match Chloe with. It turned out to be a very pathetic list.

Will.

Dullest. Man. Alive. The last thing Chloe needs is to have her pants bored off of her. In fact, that's probably how Will got his late wife to sleep with him in the first place. How else could he have impregnated her? He'd probably bored her to tears until she couldn't take it anymore and told him she'd shag him if he would just stop blathering about annelids. I swear, he gets more turned on looking at dinosaur fossils than naked, voluptuous chicks in all their fleshiness. The guy does sudoku puzzles in his morning paper -- for fun. It's true.

Plus, he has a kid. No one in their right mind would want to be saddled with Harriet as their stepdaughter. She's like, the devil incarnate, even more so now that she's became one big hormonal mess of teenage drama and angst. Some days I actually feel sorry for Will having to put up with the Devil Child on a daily basis. But then I remember that it was his punishment for the fact that he'd allowed for Harriet to be conceived in the first place.

Moses.

………..

Right. Moving along.

Jay.

Height issues and gender confusion aside (seriously, I thought he had a vagina the first time we met), the fact of the matter is — you cannot wear all that purple and not be homosexual. You just can't.

Senel always tells me to leave Jay and his sexual preferences alone, that just because he preferred hot dogs over tacos during our last picnic outing, that it was not some sort of subconscious admission on Jay's part, nor should his food intake ever be considered as an adequate assessment tool to determine his sexual orientation. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay of course. I pride myself on being very open-minded and I'm 99.99% sure Jay already has the hots for Moses. That's what my gaydar tells me anyhow. They're probably playing sexy handcuff games as we speak. So no, despite Chloe's penchant for dressing like a male, she is still fundamentally a woman which makes her undesirable in Jay's eyes. And I'm sure Chloe finds miniature pasty faced stalkers who can still sing soprano just as equally undesirable.

Alcott.

He murdered her parents. Although she's let go of her revenge, Chloe's compassion doesn't extend that far.

Curtis.

There are precious few people in the world who could stand his constant crooning. Chloe would not be one of them. Besides, I think he's already shacked up with Isabella.

Csaba.

Fugly as sin. Sorry, but someone had to say it—

"What's that?" Chloe had dragged herself away from the railing and was now looking curiously at my list of Shaggable Bachelors.

Panicking, I crumpled up the incriminating notebook paper and stuffed it into my mouth.

Chloe stared.

"Mmmmrrrrffff." I blurted out and sprayed spit all over the place.

Chloe scrutinized me for several moments before finally shaking her head. "You know, I'm not even going to ask." She sighed, figuring whatever it was that went on in my head was best left the hell alone. "After you're done swallowing that ball of paper I just wanted to let you know that the ship is docking."

I looked around and saw that the ship was indeed docking. Huzzah! It must have been months since I was last on the Legacy. I spat the soggy wad of paper over the side and then scanned the crowd for any sign of our welcoming committee.

"Hey, there's Teach and Red!" I pointed out at a couple of tall familiar forms standing on the rickety dock. "Oh and JJ." I added after seeing him materialize from the shadows. God he was such a creeper. I actually caught him climbing out of a trash receptacle once. It was very odd.

But at least Jay doesn't look so much like a b-boy as he used to (although, he is, by far, the most enjoyable person to watch in a fight. The guy can break-dance like it's nobody's business). He's still whiter than a rabbit in winter and wears too much purple for someone to take seriously, but he's long since ditched the baggy clothes and keeps his hair now in a braid that hangs all the way down to his butt.

Except for the receding hairline, Will looked more or less the same since I last saw him. And unfortunately, Moses was still as unkempt, moronic and shirtless as ever. Honestly, he's got the dress sense of a hobo — he was even wearing the exact same cow print pants that he's had on for the last three years.

"Teach! Your manboobs are as perky as ever!" Were the first words I said as I cart wheeled over to the three and reaching over to feel them up. Will batted my hands away.

"Norma, I'm not sure why you have such a fixation on people's chests, but I find it highly disturbing." He said dryly, as Moses laughed it up like a demented hyena in the background, which served as a nice contrast to the stoic dark-haired boy standing beside him.

"That's 'cause she ain't got nothing of her own to obsess over!" Moses exclaimed brightly.

I aimed a kick at his shin which he dodged, while Chloe moved on to exchange the usual 'How are yous' to the others.

"At least I brush my hair," I retorted, gesturing to the crazy red mop hanging all over his head, "And wear deodorant."

"Why would I wanna deprive you of my intoxicating manly scent?"

I pretended to gag. "Oh it's toxic all right."

Moses' response was to grin stupidly and gather me up into a bone-crushing embrace. He smelled like wet dog and stale baloney.

"Rape! No consent!" I immediately shouted.

"Norma, quit the theatrics." Will said impatiently as if it was my fault Moses was trying to molest me. He and Chloe and Jay were already starting to walk away.

"How the hell am I supposed to act when some creepy dude is trying to rape me, huh?!"

"Aw c'mon Bubbles, you know you missed me." Moses whined and then threw me over his back, much akin to a sack of potatoes, as he trotted ahead and caught up to the others.

"Let me down pervert. You just want to cop a feel!"

Moses snorted but plopped me down all the same. "Trust me sweetheart --- there ain't nothin' worth feelin' on your skinny ass." He snaked a hand to my side and deftly pinched my waist. "Not unless I wanna get impaled by your hip bones."

"You big jerk!" I all but screeched, scooping up a rock on the ground to throw at his stupid face. But before I could, Will appeared in front of us and gave us each a hard knock over the head with his mighty pimp fist.

"Cut it out the both of you." Will reprimanded us like two toddlers who didn't know any better. I rubbed the top of my head with a sour expression on my face, but I was secretly pleased all the same. The motion was so familiar and so Will-like that I wanted to kick my heels together in joy. Hitting people upside the head is Will's trademark thing, and it's become an unspoken rule that once Will hits you, that you're automatically a part of the gang. Kind of like an initiation. The only person he would never hit was G-Girl but that was okay, because hitting G-Girl was like hitting some sort of deity. Which, hmm, come to think of it, I guess she was, wasn't she?

"So where are Senel and Shirley?" Chloe inquired as we made our way out of Port-on-Rage and headed towards Werites Beacon.

"They're at home." Jay supplied.

I couldn't help noticing that Jay had yet to speak one word to me and stifled a smirk. He was probably stewing over Moses imprinting me with his BO. I surreptitiously sidled up next to him and compared our heights. Haha, I was still taller. Only by an inch, but hey — semantics, whatever.

"Yo JJ, have you had your growth spurt yet?" I said, cheekily patting him on top of the head like a puppy. He instantly glowered and swatted me away.

"Don't touch me --- you smell of bandit." Jay sneered (ooh he was jealous all right), just as Moses let out a short bark of laughter.

"Are you kiddin'? Little Jay still hasn't hit puberty yet!" Pulling out one of the throwing javelins that he carried with him on his back, Moses held it up like a measuring stick next to Jay. "Look how big my spear is compared to him!"

Red colored Jay's pale cheeks, but there was a dangerous glint in his eyes as he narrowed his gaze contemptuously. "Oh? And just what are you compensating for Moses?"

Everyone busted out laughing. Even Will couldn't help but chuckle while Moses tried to work out the meaning behind Jay's words.

"You win at life, JJ. You friggin' win." I said never feeling more happy to be back on the Legacy than right at this moment.

It was funny how easily we all fell back into our old routine of familial camaraderie, even after months of not seeing each other. The laughter, bickering and playful taunting felt like second-nature. But then I guess, we did save the world about a hundred dozen times together. Those were difficult bonds to break.

We arrived at Senel and Shirley's rather miserable attempt of a garden to find a barbecue taking place on their lawn, complete with foliage and patio furniture and.....

"Ha ha ha ha!" I croaked, fist pounding Will's muscly back. "Senny grilling hamburgers! Domestication — for the win!" Now all that was missing was the 'Kiss the Cook' apron and a cold beer in one hand.

"Nice to see you too Norma." Senel dead-panned as he — pfft! — continued flipping burgers in a timely manner.

The moment Shirley and I saw each other however, we promptly squealed and tackle glomped one another into oblivion like a pair of giggling schoolgirls.

"Oh Norma how have you been?"

"Never mind me, you're the one getting hitched! How are you? How are the wedding plans coming along?!" I screeched like a banshee.

"Oh!" Shirley smiled and looked embarrassed at the fuss but happy all the same. "Good, good. Thyra's been a big help."

Wait. Thyra?

As if summoned by the pull of Shirley's vocal chords, a long haired blonde with a permanent scowl on her face came over to give me an appraising look over.

"Ah…. Hey Tulip. I didn't know you were going to be here." I said, rather nervously. I don't know why, but Thyra's always had that effect on me. She gives off this impression that she's this blonde Godzilla who can't wait to tear your throat out and feed on your entrails if you so much as blink at her the wrong way. One time, I confessed my worries to Moses and he admitted that he felt the exact same way. Mind you, Thyra's mellowed out the last few years. She's not such a big racist anymore but neither is she any less snarky. But that could just be chalked up to her general personality.

Thyra narrowed her eyes at my nickname for her but other than that, did not bite my head off. "Hello." She replied stiffly.

"Thyra's been staying with us and acting as my wedding planner." Shirley continued on cheerfully. "I would've been lost these last few weeks without her!"

I nodded sagely. Of course Shirley would need someone cutthroat and bitchy enough to handle the high demands of managing such an Epic Wedding.

"Well someone had to make sure this wedding didn't get overwhelmed entirely by the Orerines and Oresoren customs." Thyra responded.

I slowly began edging away in case she was going to get into a long rant about how the Orerines weren't fit to lick her shoes or something when I bumped into someone. Turning around, I nearly fell over in shock.

"Wally?" I gasped. Thyra and now him? Was there some sort of blonde convention happening in town?

Walter glared at me, but it was a sort of lazy, I'm-just-fulfilling-my-quota kind of glare. He didn't even bother to say hi — just swept away to stand alone across from where everyone else was gathered.

Chloe approached after lingering at the grill to say hi to Senel and I poked her in the ribs. "Do you have any idea why Wally is here?" But it was the Bride To Be who answered.

"Walter's been staying with us too." Shirley said in a hushed tone. "Maurits asked us and I couldn't say no."

"Why?" I whispered back incredulously. Walter was the last person I would ever picture helping to plan a wedding (let alone Senel's wedding).

Shirley grimaced and lowered her voice even further until both Chloe and I had to lean in closer to hear. "Apparently, Maurits has been thinking that Walter's been working too much. Ever since… y'know…"

We nodded, indicating that we understood what she meant. The "y'know" Shirley was referring to was the incident way back during the rebellion of the Ferines when Walter very nearly killed himself trying to stop our group from reaching evil!Shirley. In fact, we really did think he died — after all, he did go aargh and had his blood fall out and dropped like a sack of bricks in the middle of trying to punch Senel in the face — what were we supposed to think? Besides, we were more worried about getting to Shirley than checking his pulse. But yeah, needless to say, we all had a heart attack when like a year later, we accompanied Shirley on a visit to the Ferines Village and saw him walking around and Maurits was all, "Oh yes, didn't you know? Walter's been recuperating for some time now." Moses and I were actually convinced that it was Walter's ghost we were seeing until I threw an apple at his head to see if it actually went through (ghosts being transparent and all) and all it did was go thunk against his pretty blonde head, much to his annoyance.

"Well," Shirley continued, "Walter's always been pushing himself too hard because of all the pressure placed on him. All the pressure he puts on himself." At this, Shirley looked very guilty and I could understand why — from everything that I gathered in our last showdown with Walter, it was apparent that somewhere along the way in his wacked-out childhood, he'd deluded himself into thinking that protecting the Merines was his one true purpose in life.

"Maurits figured that Walter deserved to have a bit of a break and thought that maybe it'd be best if he stayed with us for awhile while we plan the wedding."

I whistled, impressed. "I bet he also thought that it'd be good for Wally to be around other Orerines so he wouldn't be so prejudiced all the time."

It was Shirley's turn to nod. "Basically, he's here on a sort of vacation."

For some reason, I found that very funny to hear. Walter seems like your typical workaholic and watching him chillax would be about as easy as getting Moses to bathe on a regular basis or coaxing Jay to come out of the closet. He probably doesn't even have any friends. Now that was sad. You know you're a loser when you start spending Saturday afternoons at barbecues with your mortal enemies.

Then I also remembered how gung-ho Walter had been, trying to defeat us in the past and couldn't help but wonder if he was liable to snap anytime soon and murder us all in our beds. His hatred towards Senel in particular, was pretty hardcore and having not only to temporarily coexist with Senel under a roof, but to also watch Senel marry his precious Merines in only a few days' time must be really testing Walter's rage. I nearly choked on all the irony.

"Well just as long as he takes his chill pills and refrain from going into a murderous rampage against us then I'm cool with it." I declared, walking away in search for something to nibble on when a snooty voice drifted into my ears.

"You're exactly the same as ever Norma."

I looked over and jumped.

"Eek! A talking raccoon." Which probably shouldn't have surprised me so much considering the existence of talking otters on the Legacy.

The talking raccoon puffed up in anger at the remark. "Excuse me?" She demanded.

"Uhh, I mean...hello Hattie....." I said slowly, gazing around shiftily. "You look... Different."

Harriet narrowed her eyes into slits and sneered unpleasantly (something she must have mastered the second she came out of her mother's womb and looked at her father).

But seriously, she really did look like a nocturnal raccoon with all that emo eyeliner. And if that wasn't enough, she was dressed all in black — black halter-top, black choker, black skirt-that-looked-more-like-a-belt, black nail polish…. even black hooker boots. Basically, she looked like a street walker. I'm surprised no one has slipped her a twenty yet. Hovering like a vulture in the background was Will who kept snatching disbelieving looks at his daughter with a lost and bewildered expression on his face. Oh the joys of raising a tween.

"What about you?" Harriet snapped her bubble gum and flipped her brown, obviously conditioned and well maintained hair over her shoulder. Her beady little eyes roamed up and down my body, taking in my beige elastic blouse and tan corduroy skirt. "Haven't quite grown out of your yellow phase, I see."

"This is beige not yellow." I said, tugging on my blouse for emphasis.

"It's yellow." She insisted, probably just for the sake of antagonizing someone. Unfortunately that someone had to be me.

"Beige."

"Yellow."

"Beige.

"Yellow."

"Beige.

"Yellow."

"Beige.

"Yellow."

"JJ what color is my blouse?" I snarled, whirling around to face the nearest person in my vicinity.

…..Only to find that Jay had vanished. Damn his ninja stealth! He'd probably melted into the shadows the moment I said his name.

"He would've said yellow." Harriet said, not willing to let it go. Brat.

Deciding to take the high road , I rolled my eyes and examined my finger nails. I, Norma Beatty, am a mature, responsible adult that wasn't going to let little twerps like Hattie get under my skin. I mean, what is with the adolescents of today? It's like they thrive on conflict. Then again, it could just be Harriet. But picking apart the deep-rooted psychological problems of Harriet's messed up little head wasn't really my cup of tea, so I just shrugged.

"Fine, fine. Whatever gets you to sleep at night." I feigned a yawn. "Really kid, I am above stuff like this." Harriet looked slightly put out and more than a little annoyed.

"Oh don't try and act all high and mighty with me Norma. You'll just embarrass yourself."

I bristled. I couldn't help it.

"Yeah well — at least I don't have a huge disgusting zit on my face!" I screamed, hitting her where it hurt the most since teenagers are notorious for being self-absorbed and highly self-conscious about the way they looked.

"I do not!" Harriet exclaimed, but it was a very weak exclamation with a tremor of uncertainty, so sensing weakness, I pounced.

"It's on your chin." I lied. "And it's oozing. You should pop it."

Clamping a hand over her face, Harriet ran like the wind into Senel and Shirley's house to probably find a mirror.

Heh heh.

"Norma, if you're not doing anything maybe you can help us set the table." Chloe said tersely from behind me. She was draping a checkered table cloth over a couple of tables in the garden. Beside her, Shirley was carrying a stack of plates.

"Sure sure, why not." Trotting inside the house to the kitchen, I started banging open drawers for knives and forks.

_________________________________________________

It wasn't long before everyone was settled around the two tables, talking and laughing and eating as though none of us had ever been separated in the first place. Even Thyra looked less sour as she gobbled down three helpings of Shirley's mashed potatoes. And after emerging from the house and shooting me scathing glares of which I airily waved off, Harriet seemed to have fun bossing people around into eating her potato salad. Will, in turn, was trying to get Harriet to eat more than two lettuces from her salad.

Jay was giving me strange looks too because I kept snickering while he innocently ate his hot dog. Phallic symbols for the win!

The only person who appeared not to be enjoying himself was Walter. He would just sit, in stony silence, as he methodically munched his way through his hamburger. Gadoria might've invaded and Walter would've still been sipping his juice box. Or the Apocalypse might've occurred to rein fiery judgment upon the world and Walter would've been calmly wiping his mouth with a napkin. It was like no one else around him seemed to exist. I wanted to leap across the table and slap him in the face with a fish just to see his reaction. But ultimately, I controlled myself.

That was when Shirley and Senel chose to stand up from their seats.

"Um, we have an announcement to make." Shirley stated cautiously as she exchanged meaningful glances back and forth at Senel who I swear is never more than six feet away from her.

A strange silence seemed to befall everyone then. Raising an eyebrow, I lounged back in my seat, wondering what was the cause of such a dramatic pause. Even Jay looked curious to what Shirley was about to announce which was weird because Jay knew everything (y'know, being Unseen and all).

"I don't know how to say it but I'll just say it anyways because - well, you're our friends and we want you to know that I - that is, Senel and I - we'll be expecting a baby soon."

There was a long drawn out silence filled with crickets chirping and the distant sound of a toilet being flushed back inside the house.

"….You've… you've got a bun in the oven?" Harriet said weakly.

Moses walked outside after his jaunt in the washroom, oblivious to the bombshell that Shirley had just dropped. "Someone say something 'bout buns?" He asked eagerly, looking around the table.

There was a sudden explosion of voices.

"Congratulations." Chloe said breathlessly, eyes like dinner plates as she rushed over to the couple.

"Thanks Chloe." Senel smiled.

Will got up to shake Senel's hand and Thyra was hugging Shirley. Jay was also saying his congratulations and Moses was just plain confused.

"Senel and I have talked about it and we want Chloe and you, Walter, as the godparents." Shirley beamed as Chloe gasped and covered her mouth with her hands and Walter sat shell-shocked and disbelieving. "…Me…?" He said uncertainly and looked up at them with an utterly lost expression and confused expression his face.

"It's a big responsibility. Think you can handle it?" Senel said to him grimly.

"Senel… Shirley…" Chloe stammered. "I... it would be an honor and a privilege. You have my word as a Knight of the Noble House of Valens that I will do everything that I can to protect this unborn child from harm---"

"HOLY SHIT YOU TWO HAVE HAD SEX?"

My voice was finally working again.

"Norma!" Both Will and Chloe shouted in unison. Shirley hid her face in her hands while Moses, grinned and nudged Senel in the ribs, whispering, "Senel, you dog you", which earned him a dark glare.

Oh my God! My mind screamed frantically. Senel and Shirley are having a baby. Senel and Shirley are having a baby… The simple statement danced in my head like a cracked-out tango, moving around and around until I could feel the beginnings of a headache.

"But.. But.." I looked back and forth between Senel and Shirley, about two seconds away from calling shenanigans on the whole affair. "But Senny's asexual. Everyone knows that! He has no libido! He doesn't get erections! He wouldn't know how to insert Slot A into Slot B if sex came with an instruction manual—"

"What?" Senel yelped, jumping up.

"And Shirl's a saint! She's purer than driven snow! She probably wears a chastity belt complete with a security code and booby traps and—"

Shirley began to shuffle slowly away.

"It's impossible. This had to have been an immaculate conception. Yeah that's it — Nerifes must've blessed you with the world's next Savior — "

"Norma…" Will repeated, a warning tone evident in his voice. His hand was even poised in the air as if to pimp slap me. Goodness knows I needed the sense knocked into me. But I was on a roll. Oh Nerifes, was I on a roll. I tried to stop -- I really did-- but it was like a dam had broken and there was nothing that could stem the words from gushing out of my mouth. I am a perpetual spazz, all right? So sue me.

"No way could Shirley lose her virginity before me. She's got less boobs than I do!"

"All right we're leaving." Chloe stood up hastily as Thyra choked on her spit. "When the blinding shock wears off, I'm sure she'll be happy for you two." I heard Chloe reassure Shirley.

"Oh my Nessy, Senny and Shirl had pre-marital sex! They had sex and they didn't tell me!"

Everyone stared, frozen in astonishment as Chloe dragged me away in the direction of the inn, where I kept up an uninterrupted flow of intelligible mutters. Once in awhile, the words, "chastity-belt" and "asexual" could be heard.

Whatever broken path of logic I was trying to follow seemed to be confusing me. One bit distracting me from another and so forth — there were definitely way too many things running through my mind.