Disclaimer: Same as the one before. Characters are not mine. Only borrowed.
ALMOST READY TO BREAK
Regina sat heavily on the bench among her mother's things as she watched Emma disappear out of sight. Had Emma really just kissed her? Or had she kissed Emma? Regina kept replaying the last few moments over and over in her head. Emma Swan was not an option. Regina shook her head as if to rid herself of the thoughts that were running rampant through her mind. Why in the hell had she kissed Emma Swan? The thought kept coming back to her and suddenly Regina felt as if she needed a drink. She stood quickly then, surveying her surroundings. What had she even been doing before Emma had walked in? Staring at the empty mirror? She didn't even know now. Regina could feel the frustration growing like a rock in the pit of her stomach. How could she let The Savior cloud her judgment? How could she have let her in like they hadn't been at each other's throats for the last three years? Yet somehow Emma Swan had managed to slip right under her radar and take over her good senses.
In one angry swipe, Regina shoved the shelf full of books halfway across the room before grabbing her head and rubbing her eyes. The books. What good were they now anyway? She couldn't help Robin. Or Marian. And if she was completely honest with herself, Regina couldn't help but wonder why in the hell she was even trying. Did she feel obligated? No. Why would she? Did she feel guilty? That was a definite no. Until Emma had returned from the Enchanted Forest with Marian in tow, she hadn't been doing anything wrong. And the minute she realized just whose life Emma had saved, Regina had walked away. There wasn't a chance in hell she was going to stand in the way of a marriage that deep down, she knew was meant to be. And it wasn't until Emma had run out of the diner after her, once again and informed her that Marian had died by her hands did the impact of the entire situation hit her.
Regina had despised Robin's presence in the Enchanted Forest. For a year she'd done nothing short of simply putting up with his presence which at best was barely tolerable. And then the miraculous missing year happened and suddenly Robin continued to conveniently show up in the strangest places. Places which, if Regina had given it any thought at the time, were far more convenient than she would have cared for. But Tink had been in her ear, constantly reminding her that Robin was her True Love and how she had ruined Robin's life by not going after him when Tink had originally told her to. But Regina just didn't care anymore. If anything, Emma's return with Marian had simply opened her eyes. Robin was a kind man. But if she thought long and hard about it…was he really the kind of person she wanted in her life? A man who insisted on being a protector. A man who insisted on showing up at every opportune moment. Regina didn't need a protector. She was more than capable of taking care of herself. Had he made her feel good about herself? Yes. But none of that mattered. What she needed was someone willing to stand by her side. Not in front of or behind her. But beside her. A secondary strength to match her own. Robin was none of those things.
Suddenly Regina felt as if her eyes had been opened. Robin had merely been another symbol for things in her life that had taken away her control. He represented the very thing in all her life that she had despised the most. Being told where to go. What to do. Who to love. But no more. Even if she was single for the rest of her natural life, never again would anyone tell Regina who she should or should not be with. Happy endings be damned.
. . .
A knock on her office door caused Regina to look up from the paperwork laid out in front of her. She didn't bother telling whoever it was to come in because she recognized the knock immediately. Emma Swan wasn't going to wait for permission, regardless. And just as suspected, Regina kept a watchful eye on the door that opened just a moment later. Emma entered the room just as casually as always, but there was an air about her that Regina could only assume had carried over from the night before.
"Miss Swan. How can I help you?" Regina asked, looking back down to focus on the paperwork in front of her.
Emma faltered at the use of the formality. She hadn't meant to, but something about the lack of personal inflection in Regina's tone had her immediately concerned. Her brows furrowed, Emma approached the Mayors desk and sat a folder down in front of the woman behind the desk. "I just…brought these papers by that you requested last week.."
"I requested them last week for a reason Miss Swan. Five days later seems a little bit pointless, wouldn't you say?"
Regina's eyes never left her desk, but she did take a brief moment to move the file off to the side and out of her line of sight. Emma was pissed. She knew they'd had a breakthrough the night before and by no means did Emma expect Regina to welcome her with open arms as if the past three years of their history had simply disappeared. But the cold shoulder was completely unexpected. Emma was suddenly feeling a little bit more than pissed off.
"Well excuse me, Madame Mayor, for being a little busy chasing down a giant snow monster, getting trapped in an ice cave in which I almost froze to death and trying to figure out who our most recent residents are and where the hell they came from."
Regina cringed internally but refused to let the impact of Emma's words show. She knew that Emma was right and how she was treating her wasn't exactly fair. Whether she liked it or not, Emma had managed to break through her walls, no matter how small of a hole she'd made, she'd managed to chip away at it just enough to aggravate her. And the minute Emma had left her the night before, Regina had been left alone with her thoughts and her chipped wall and even if no one else ever knew, that was never a good thing. For as much as Emma had insisted they were both alike. Both broken. Emma was ever the hopeful one. Regina could only chalk it up to the Charming blood running through her veins. That I will always find you and There's always the possibility of hope crap that they were always spewing. How was it possible for something so insipid to actually be genetic? Lost in her own thoughts, Regina snapped out of them when she heard Emma clear her throat. Looking up, she realized the woman was still standing there waiting for some kind of response.
"I'm sorry. Emma, I'm sorry." Regina apologized around the lump of distaste in her throat. "I hope you understand the pressure I'm under right now."
Emma's features softened slightly at Regina's tone. She was quickly recognizing it for what it was. Defense. Don't let anyone in. Don't get hurt. Well that was bullshit and Emma wasn't going to put up with it. "Oh I understand all right."
Emma turned then, walking away. Regina wanted to play games? They could play games. Without another word, Emma pulled the office door shut behind her a little harder than she probably should have. But deep down, she was angry. She had kissed Regina. She hadn't asked her for a relationship. Did it change the fact that Regina had managed to worm her way into Emma's heart? No. But Emma would rather die than beg for Regina to talk about what had happened. She'd put herself out there, Regina had responded. And now she was responding in a completely different manner.
Regina jumped when the door slammed shut. Dropping her pen, she took a deep breath and exhaled slowly if not heavily. The weight on her chest was threatening to kill her. How many times was she going to push? How many times was she going to sit back and wait for Emma to come after her? Better yet, how many times would Emma come through before she finally gave up? Regina squeezed her eyes shut, pushing down the prickling of tears that were threatening to overflow. All she'd ever wanted was a happy ending. But it seemed like every time it was within her reach, somehow it managed to disappear. But this time, it would be no one's fault but her own. Regina felt as if she was ready to break. The weight of her life, the one she had built and the one that had been forced upon her was weighing far too heavily on her shoulders. And all she wanted was nothing more than someone to fall into. Someone to save her. From herself. From the outside world. From the weight of everything that had ever been expected of her.
Was it possible that's what Emma had been offering her? Not just friendship. Not just a relationship. But the opportunity to have someone willing to stand next to her. To have her back without actually feeling the need to physically watch it as if she was incapable. Resting her elbows on her desk, Regina allowed her face to fall into her hands. For so long all she'd felt was empty. Her heart, which she had thought dead, simply felt empty. But when Emma had approached her, so slowly, so carefully, Regina had felt her heart swell. A feeling she hadn't felt since before Daniel had died. How long would Emma wait before she gave up? How long could Regina wait before she finally gave in? She honestly had no idea what kind of sign she was actually waiting for considering the major one that had been waved in front of her face just the night before. Emma wasn't a simple woman by any standards. And Regina knew she was right. They were alike, the two of them. Emma had been so reassuring that they would both be fine if they could just manage to work together for a change.
And then they'd kissed. Regina ran her hands through her hair, looking around the stark and silent office. Her fingers somehow found their way to her lips and lingered there. If she was honest with herself, she had agreed with every single word that had slipped past Emma Swan's lips. So why, only moments ago, had she treated Emma so poorly. Why had she dismissed her as if what had happened between them meant nothing? Regina knew they'd both felt it. Was it True Love's Kiss? No. Could it be one day?
Regina shook her head. That was a question she was nowhere near ready to answer. But what she did know was that if she was completely honest with herself Emma had been coming after her for a long time. A lot longer than she'd let herself believe. Suddenly terrified, Regina gathered her things, unwilling to leave her desk in a cluttered mess and stacked the files and papers away to deal with later. Right now, she had to find Emma. She had to find Emma and make things right regardless of whether it was simply a budding friendship or the possibility of something more. Regina wanted to tell herself that she wasn't the type to rush. To jump head first into something as serious as a relationship and some form of commitment, but she'd done that with Robin and it was exactly why she had no intention of doing that with Emma. Emma was not Robin. Or better yet, Robin would never be Emma Swan. No one would ever be Emma Swan.
On shaky legs Regina left her office and headed quickly for her car. Where she was going, she didn't have a clue. Emma could be anywhere by now. Sitting behind the wheel of her Mercedes, Regina wracked her brain for a moment before deciding to just start in one place and check every possible option for where the other woman might be. How in the hell had Emma gotten to her like this? How in the hell had Emma gotten into her head and run away with her heart? Heart? Regina shook off the thought immediately. It was far too soon to be thinking things like that. She drove past Emma's apartment first. The diner. The Sheriff's station. Emma wasn't at any of those places. But just as she was about to turn around, Regina pulled into the marina parking lot and spotted Emma's yellow bug in the far corner closest to the dock.
Regina put the car in park and wondered exactly what she planned to do now that she'd actually found her. What could she possibly say? Whatever it was, Regina knew that it could only be the truth because for some reason Emma Swan never failed to see right through her. Regina took a deep breath. And then another. She exited the car and headed to the edge of the lot, searching in all directions for where Emma might be. She spotted her, finally, sitting on a bench halfway down the pier and suddenly Regina was taken back to the day she'd approached Emma in that very same spot to question her about Neal. Only this time, instead of approaching Emma with intent and anger, Regina felt cautious. Emma was a runner, it was true. But Regina knew she'd be lying if she said that Emma had never run from her. It was the opposite in fact. There were days when Regina had begged to whatever deity was out there that the infuriating woman would just go away. But she never did. Regina smiled to herself at the thought.
"You push me away because you're afraid." Emma spoke up, having felt the woman approaching her from behind. Regina faltered. "You say hurtful things and treat me like I'm someone you can just shove away and you have the nerve to walk up to me with a smile on your face?"
Emma didn't bother turning to look at the former Queen. She'd felt Regina's presence. She'd sensed the simmering smile on her lips and as soon as she'd spoken up, she'd felt Regina stumble.
"Emma, I-" Regina took a deep breath and sat sideways on the opposite bench. Once again reminiscent of their conversation so long ago. "I'm sorry for the way I spoke to you."
"It's Emma again, is it?" Emma scoffed and shook her head.
"You spooked me, Emma." Regina admitted. Shoving her hands in her coat pockets, she hung her head awkwardly at the admission. "I can count on one hand the number of people in my life who have accomplished such a feat. And you are one of them."
"Great." Emma's eyes searched the bay, but Regina wasn't sure what she was looking for. All she knew was Emma was looking everywhere but at her.
"Emma? Please look at me?" Regina spoke softly, hopeful that Emma would at least give her that.
"Why, Regina?" Emma did look at her then. She surprised them both as well, when she turned to face the other woman on the bench next to her. "So you can reject me to my face? So you can tell me how I made a mistake. So you can tell me how I misread the situation and was way out of line?"
"Emma, you weren't the only one doing the kissing." Regina responded. She felt a wave of heat rise to her cheeks at the memory. "I- I was in a bad place. I was angry. And you showed up. Somehow you always show up and I know that I push you to every possible limit. But it's all I know."
"It's been three years, Regina." Emma shook her head, ready to dispute any and everything Regina was most likely about to throw at her. "I've watched you change. I've watched you get stronger. But every time something good is about to happen…you shut down. You- you empty yourself of every possible emotion because you're afraid of getting hurt. And I watch you fall apart. Like you're about to break."
"I keep looking for a sign." Regina's voice was so low that if Emma hadn't been paying attention, she might have missed it. "But all this time, I haven't been able to see it because my eyes have been closed."
"That's understandable." Emma reasoned, forcing a smile onto her lips. She was terrified of the endless possibilities that lay before them. "You said you didn't want to kill me. Basically that- we could be friends."
"Emma, I've never been good at 'friends'." Regina admitted, her eyes searching Emma's face for any sort of response or sign. But the moment she saw Emma's shoulders fall and her eyes staring blankly at the ground, Regina knew she needed to clarify her point. "I've never been good at being someone's friend. And I…I've never had a fair chance at being someone's…partner."
Emma's head jerked up at that. But before she could speak, Regina held a hand up to stop her.
"I came to find you because I knew-" Regina furrowed her brows and swallowed the lump in her throat. "I was afraid that if I didn't, that I'd have missed the opportunity and you'd have given up on me."
"Regina, I may get angry with you because you push. You always push. You test everyone around you to see how far you can go before they break and give up. But if you haven't noticed, it's been three years and I'm still right here!" Emma slid forward on the bench. She reached across the expanse and let her hand rest on Regina's knee. "I'd kiss you again but I'm afraid it will send you into another downward spiral and tomorrow I'll be Miss Swan again. But I-"
"Have dinner with me." Regina looked at Emma as the words flew out of her mouth. Something about Emma kept her holding on and that was a feeling Regina wasn't sure she would ever be willing to let go of. "Tonight? My house?"
"I suppose Henry can stay with my mom and dad." Emma smiled. "Regina, I would love to have dinner with you."
Emma stood then and held out a hand for the other woman to take. And she did. Emma walked them back toward their respective vehicles but instead of stopping off at her own, she continued to walk hand in hand, guiding Regina to her own car. When they'd reached their destination, Emma reached past her and pulled open the door. Regina smiled to herself. No one had ever opened a door for her. Not like this. She decided immediately that she liked it and the tension in her chest threatened to break her once again. She wouldn't cry. She refused. Just as she was about to get into the car, Regina turned and leaned in to give Emma the lightest kiss on the lips, surprising them both. Emma didn't say a word. Regina climbed into the driver's seat and just before she pulled the door shut, she spoke up one last time.
"7:30 Miss Swan. I expect you to be on time." Regina smiled to herself and pulled the door to.
Emma remained speechless. But the smile wasn't leaving her face any time soon.
"Angel"
Never ending always in my heart
Unworthy feeling whenever we're apart
No way of knowing that things might change
My happy ending looks so far away
I'm so empty, too heavy
Almost ready to break
And I can't wait much longer
I need more than just an angel
And I can't act much stronger
I need more than just an angel
I keep my head up looking for a sign
Something to tell me that I'll be fine
Why do I have to do this on my own?
I am surrounded but I feel so alone
I'm so empty, too heavy
Almost ready to break
And I can't wait much longer
I need more than just an angel
And I can't act much stronger
I need more than just an angel
An angel
And everything is so wrong
I tell myself to be strong
Just to keep me holding on
What does it mean to feel love?
To show you what I'm made of
And I'm afraid I've had enough
And I can't wait much longer
I need more than just an angel
And I can't act much stronger