Kendall snapped out of his thoughts as he heard a voice talking to him. It sounded like Logan. Wait…Logan? What was he doing here? And where was James?
"KENDALL!" Logan tried again to snap his blonde friend out of his thoughts; this was starting to get frustrating. Honestly he had no idea what the hell just happened a minute ago. He just came home for his phone when he found James sobbing non-stop and Kendall dazed in some kind of trance, he tried to console James for whatever it was he was crying for, but as soon as he touched him James flew out of the room, and then there was Kendall who apparently was lost in wonderland.
"What? Logan? What are you doing here? Where`s James? Logan he told me… I-I need to-"
"Whoa, easy there buddy, don`t go too fast" Logan cut Kendall off.
Kendall looked around the room worried, where the hell was James? He didn`t even noticed James was gone; maybe he should really stop daydreaming.
"Logan you don`t get it, I have to go find James" Kendall went for the door, when a hand grabbed his wrist stopping him.
"Oh no, you`re not going anywhere until you explain to me what the hell just happened between you and James" Logan said in a deathly calm voice, he had no reasons to think Kendall had done something to James, but…he had never seen James cry like that in his life. In fact he had never seen James cry, period. Kendall and James were best friends after all, they wouldn`t hurt each other. But what did Kendall did then to make James break like that?
Kendall couldn`t tell Logan what just happened. Logan wouldn`t understand, he didn`t understand it himself, and he didn`t know if James was ready for Logan and Carlos to know his secret. He couldn`t tell, it wasn`t his place to tell.
"Logan, I swear I`ll explain everything later, but right now I need to find James" There was distress, frustration and…hurt in Kendall`s voice, Logan was worried, he had never heard his friend like this. Should he let Kendall go without any explanation?
Logan sighed.
"Go find him Kendall and whatever is going down between you two, fix it, cause James looked really hurt" Kendall felt his heart break a little bit more at those words. His best friend was hurt because of him.
"I will"
And with that Kendall flew out of the room.
He was running; that`s all he knew
He was running so fast, pushing people out of his way not bothering to apologize; he didn`t cared anymore, he just didn`t
He just told the Kendall that he loved him. He just confessed his biggest secret to Kendall Knight. He told Kendall he loved him; and he had been rejected.
Even though the chances of Kendall loving him back were one in a million he still was hopeful, he thought that maybe, just maybe Kendall secretly loved him too, and dating Jo was just a cover so no one would knew his secret, but he was wrong. Kendall didn`t loved him, he would never love him; and if his heart was already broken well, that thought made it shatter into million pieces.
Kendall must feel disgusted by him; Kendall must hate him right now.
And with that thought on mind, here he was, a broken boy sitting on a tree with a small silver object on his hand: his escape.
His razor.
"Am I really going to go through this again?" James quietly wondered aloud, he swore a long time ago he was done with this.
When James was 12 he got bullied at school, a lot. His grades weren`t the best and his parents were never there to support him or console him in the night after he had nightmares about his bullies, they were always on some kind of business trip and when they were home the only thing they did was yell at James and push him into getting better grades, into being perfect, one day he couldn`t take it anymore and that day he made the first cut.
He felt…relieved, like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders, so he continued doing it, sometimes twice a week, but it soon became an addiction, he couldn`t go one day without cutting at least once, but it was okay, really because he never tried to take his own life, he just took the pain away, people who had problems tried to kill themselves, James didn't, cause James didn`t had a problem.
He kept doing it and everything was great.
Until his friends found out.
And that memory was burned in his mind, he could never forget their faces: Logan`s worried and sad eyes as he gave 911 the address, Carlos`s innocent eyes filling with tears, showing confusion as he kept on asking "Why, Jamie?" And then there was Kendall.
Kendall was the worst, he didn`t knew how to react, emotions flashed through his eyes- fear, confusion, sadness, wonder, anger.
Anger at James, at his parents, at the people who made James feel that he had to come to this; but most of all Kendall felt anger at himself. He knew James was far from okay, he knew James was sad, lonely, he knew James was on his way to losing himself, he tried to cheer him up, always reminding him how much worth he was, hanging more with him, but he could`ve done more. Kendall could`ve done more for James, but he didn`t and he hated himself for that.
James traced his old scars with the tip of the razor, barely doing any damage, was he going to put himself through this again?
What if Logan and Carlos found out? Will they forgive him for doing this again? Was he willing to put his friends through that pain again?
What if Kendall found out? Would he even care anymore?
But as soon as he remembered Kendall, the burning pain in his heart came back, he looked at the razor, it was simple; physical pain for emotional.
Series of thoughts were running through James`s mind.
What if Kendall never talked to him again? Did he ruin their friendship by admitting his love for him? What about Logan and Carlos? How will they react? Would they side with Kendall too?
His mind was a mess, his heart was broken, he probably just ruined his friendship with all of his friends, and the worst of all was: Kendall would never love him back.
There was only one thing to do, one thing that would end it all, it would make the pain go away; it would help him forget.
James just wanted to forget all of this ever happened
He lifted the razor to his wrist.