Chapter 2: Mars Wars
In a galaxy far, far away…
A lone, grand, and phallic-looking spacecraft cruised through the vast emptiness of space. Its captain's name was known throughout the Alpha Quadrant. Allies spoke of it in admiration. Women swooned once they heard it. And villains everywhere wept tears and sucked their thumbs like little crybabies should they even think of him. He was a man among men, a mighty warrior second to none. His incredible physique was as if it was sculpted by the Gods themselves. His dashing good looks were even said to completely blind any lesser man – which was all.
This man was no man, however. This man – was a duck. His name was Dodgers. Duck Dodgers of the Twenty-Fourth and a Half Century!
Dodgers sat in his captain's chair, his eyes on the lookout for any possible intergalactic criminals that may have been lurking within the vicinity. "Cadet," the unbelievably handsome captain intoned in his incredibly sexy baritone voice, "what is the situation going on with Mars?"
Dodgers' eager, young space-pig cadet grinned stupidly and saluted, tongue poking out. "Duh, the M-M-Martians seem to be b-building a d-death laser, you studly m-man, you…"
Dodgers slammed his fist on the rest of his seat. "Blast! Those Martians have gone too far this time! Cadet, set a course for the Martians' Martian home planet, Mars! And never mind the redundancy of that sentence!"
Dodgers' Cadet saluted yet again, grunting, "Duh, a-a-aye-aye, captain!"
Meanwhile, on the Martian home planet of the Martians called Mars, a midget in a green ballet tutu and football helmet that in no way resembled a Spartan one marched down the long corridor to the Martian Queen's throne. The midget saluted. "Commander X-2, Marvin the Martian, reporting in, Your Majesty," he said in a voice that screamed "nerd".
"Are the preparations for the Martian Death Ray completed, Commander?" the impossibly beautiful, scantily-Egyptian-dressed Martian Queen Tyr'ahnee asked.
"Yes, Your Majesty. After two-thousand years of work, the Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modular has been completed and we are ready for the destruction of the Earth."
"Excellent," Queen Tyr'ahnee said, laughing darkly. "Now that pesky planet will no longer obscure our view of Venus. Incredibly petty of us, but who cares? We're Martians. Logic no longer applies!"
"However, I do bring some rather bad news," Marvin added.
"Ooh, I hate bad news," the Queen said with a groan. "Can't you deliver it in a good way?"
"Um…okay?" Marvin coughed, and began chuckling. "Hey, you know that guy we really don't like, Duck Dodgers? Well, get this! You (snort) really won't (giggle) believe it. He (Ha!) – he's heading for our planet and…wait for it: planning on destroying our Death Ray! Can you believe it?" The Martian Commander had broken out in a fit of hysterical laughter by then.
"What is wrong with you? That's terrible news!" Queen Tyr'ahnee screamed, causing Marvin to flinch. "Prepare the Martian battleships! If that extraordinarily sexy duck wants a fight, he'll get a war!"
Dodgers' spacecraft slowly made its approach for the Martian home planet. "Duh, pro-pro-proceeding without a h-h-hitch, sir," the Cadet said with a dumb grin.
Dodgers frowned as he pumped a pair of dumbbells to bulk up his huge muscles – not that he needed to. "This seems all a little easy. Too easy." Dodgers peered over the Cadet's control panel. "Uh, Cadet? What do those red dots usually signify?"
"Duh, oh. R-r-red dots a-a-are enemy s-ships," the Cadet replied cheerfully.
Dodgers nodded. "Uh-huh. And what does this one blue dot all those red dots are approaching represent?"
"Duh, that w-w-would be our o-own ship, sir."
"Right, right. Say, uh, Cadet? Did you not think that was something important to report?"
Dodgers' Cadet pondered for a few seconds. "Duh, I guess?"
"ACTIVATE ALL WEAPONS AND LOCK ON TO ENEMY SHIPS!" Dodgers bellowed.
The Cadet yelped and quickly began typing on his controls. Dodgers' ship sprouted their entire arsenal of weapons, ranging from photon torpedoes that could wipe out an entire planet's continent to peanut popguns. The Martian ships finally came into sight on the view screen, all a deathly-looking green with nasty red windowpanes that resembled demonic eyes. "Duh, captain?" the Cadet said, his voice growing higher until he started sounding like a little girl. "Th-th-they greatly out-out-outnumber us t-t-twenty-thousand to o-one. Duh, we-we-we're screwed!"
Dodgers inhaled deeply through his nose, and smirked. "It's a good day to die."
"Aw, I j-j-just wanted to st-st-study space rocks!" the Cadet cried.
"Fire everything!" Dodgers commanded.
Dodgers' ship unleashed its fury; a flurry of missiles and lasers and other sci-fi nonsense weapons rained upon the Martian ships, annihilating a large number of the enemy's fleet. "Duh, two-th-thirds of the e-e-enemy ships re-re-remain, Captain," the Cadet said.
"Keep on firing!" Dodgers shouted.
"Duh, our a-a-ammo has c-completely depleted!" the Cadet gasped. "We're doomed!"
"Not on my watch!" Dodgers said, and thrust his fist forward. "Initiate tactic One-Nine-Five-Two: The Drill That Will Pierce the Heavens!"
"Duh, of c-c-course!" the Cadet said, slapping his forehead. "How c-c-could I have po-po-possibly be-be-been so st-st-stupid?"
"And that's why I'm captain and you're the eager, young space cadet." Dodgers' ship's thrusters were thrown into overdrive, propelling the ship beyond the space-speed limit. "Steady now," Dodgers whispered; the ship gaining speed as they closed the distance between them and the Martians' ships.
"Duh, n-now?"
"No, we have to time this just right…" Dodgers said, narrowing his eyes. Sweat built around his brows and the air growing thick with tension. With the ship no more than a mere hundred miles away, Dodgers shouted, "NOW!"
The ship's thrusters shifted positions, one pointed upward and one in the other direction. The ship's initial inertia continued carrying it forward while the thrusters began causing the ship to spin. The thrusters only continued to increase speed, and the ship had become an awesome drill of devastation. The Martian ships did not have enough time to pull away from Dodgers' oncoming path of destruction, and were completely torn apart by Dodgers' ship as it passed through the remaining fleet.
"I knew that increase in the hull's density would come in handy one day," Dodgers declared, grinning triumphantly.
"Duh, c-c-captain, I th-th-think I l-love you," the Cadet said in pure admiration.
"Sorry, Cadet, but I don't swing that way."
"Duh, in-in-incoming hail from the Ma-Ma-Martian royal palace," the Cadet said. "Should I p-p-patch?"
"Make it so, Cadet." Dodgers nodded.
The view screen flickered and the image of the Martian Queen replaced the view of the enemy wreckage. "Duck Dodgers," she whispered in a reverential tone.
"Queen Tyr'ahnee," Dodgers greeted. "To what do I owe the honor of your presence?"
"Nonsense. Your presence is as if standing before a God. It is through sheer improbability that I ever had a miniscule of a chance to speak with a perfect creature such as yourself."
"If you say so," Dodgers said indifferently.
"I have called to inform you of our complete surrender to the Earth," she said. "We were complete fools in believing we could possibility stand up to their greatest hero, Duck Dodgers."
"Well, just as long as you are aware."
"Not only that, but I wish to request a peace treaty with Earth by marrying you," Queen Tyr'ahnee said. "I have completely fallen in love with you and wish to bear your children."
"Oh-ho, your majesty," Dodgers said bashfully. "I accept."
Martian Commander Marvin popped on screen. "Please, sir, could I possibly have your autograph? It has been my lifelong dream to see you in person!"
"Sure, my little freak-of-nature fan!"
Duck Dodgers got onto his feet, looking ever so grand doing so. "Today, Earth and Mars have achieved tranquility thanks to my continued efforts. However, I am but a humble hero of both planets and desire not gifts, money, or women. Though I'll gladly accept them, let it be known that I only do so out of defending all that is truth. Justice. And the Duck Dodgers' way! I can only hope that all those in the universe will follow such perfect ideals as mine."
The Cadet, Queen Tyr'ahnee and Marvin all began cheering wildly and sang praises for their greatest hero as Duck Dodgers stood proud with his muscular chest out, a light bursting out behind him and festive fireworks firing into the air and exploding to spell out his own name –
"ENOUGH!"
In a Hollywood boardroom meeting, the CEO of Warner Bros. slammed his hands upon the table. Daffy gulped as he lowered the screenplay in his hands. "Are you kidding me with this?" the CEO asked.
"Uh, no. Not really," the little black duck said. "With the sudden influx of interest in sci-fi action movies, I thought what better way to match them than with a revival of one of our best shorts ever?" Daffy sprung up on the board table and thrust an index finger into the air. "Duck Dodgers of the Twenty-Fourth and a Half Century!" he shouted, spreading spittle all over the polished table and into the CEO's coffee cup from his lisp.
The CEO did not look impressed. "You honestly expect us to make a movie based around you after our last two attempts at theatrical Looney Tune films were massive box office and critical failures?"
"Hey, that was not my fault!" Daffy protested. "The reason they failed was upon the insistence of making them live-action, cashing in on the Roger Rabbit effect that was deemed the 'in' thing then. But I'm sure an all-animated film, based on me of course, will be a surefire winner!" He nudged the snoring Porky Pig sitting by the side, awaking him. "Ain't that right, pork-ster?"
"Huh, wh-wh-what? I'll-ll-ll have a donu-donu-donu…gazed," Porky said, eyes blinking irritably.
"A Duck Dodgers movie would work, right?" Daffy asked again, annoyed.
"Uh…y-y-yeah, sure." Porky nodded.
"Let's face it, you two," the CEO said. "Looney Tunes is dead. We've moved on to bigger and better things. Bugs realized that and left the studio a long time ago."
"But this can work!" Daffy said, grabbing the CEO by his dress suit. "Ooh, nylon. Very nice. Just give us, and by that I mean ME, a chance!"
"Sorry, Duck," he said, picking Daffy up and setting him down on the floor. "We can't afford another disaster. Why don't get back to teaching that animation class? The cartoons of the future can learn a lot from a seasoned professional such as yourself…" He snorted. "No. No. I can't say that with a straight face. I've got another meeting to get to. You know two know your way out, right?" With that, the CEO exited the boardroom, leaving a sulking Daffy and Porky alone.
"ARGHBLUGUGH!" Daffy screamed, tearing black feathers out of his skull. "I was sure we had him this time!"
"S-s-sure we did," Porky said as he pat Daffy's back sympathetically.
Daffy calmed and sighed. "I miss the spotlight, Ham-let. We used to be stars! And where are we now?"
"T-t-things ch-ch-change," Porky said with a shrug, grabbing a jacket from the coat rack. "Th-th-things weren't the s-s-same after Bugs lef-lef-lef – vamoosed."
"Bah, we were better off without that deserting hare!" Daffy said with a snarl. "Unlike him, I happily took up the reigns of leadership!"
"Y-y-yeah, and look where we are n-n-now," Porky pointed out. Daffy winced. "It's n-n-not just Bu-Bugs either. We old-ti-ti-timers just coul-coul-coul – were unable to match up with the ch-ch-changing t-t-times."
"Oh, yeah. And that no-personality mouse, intelligible duck, and dope of a dog seem pretty well off," Daffy grumbled. Suddenly, inspiration struck. A large smirk grew on his face as little red devil horns sprouted on his head. He snickered deviously. "Say…Porky? You know where the warehouse of the studio's props is?"
Porky raised an eyebrow. "Y-yeah?"
"Think they still have the ship from the Duck Dodgers show?"
"Th-th-this is a bad id-id-idea, Daffy," Porky said nervously as the two hid in the shadows next to the prop warehouse.
"I'm not going to sit around teaching some newbies whom only want to make fart jokes for the rest of my life," Daffy said with unusual determination. He peeked around the corner. "Okay, the coast's clear." The two dashed with the speed of a true toon, leaving behind dust in the shape of them, into the warehouse. "Phew. That was easy. I was sure they'd have some sort of guard or something…"
"Yeah, you'd think the studio lot would have better security, huh?" a strange creature wearing brown slacks said, throwing his arm around Daffy's shoulders.
"Must be cutbacks." Daffy nodded.
Porky's eyes drooped and turned to see two of the same anthropomorphic creatures standing next to him. "G-g-give it a mo-moment."
Daffy's eyes bugged, leaping into the air. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"
"Because we can," the cute female one with a pink skirt and flower in her ears said.
"Yakko!" the first shouted.
"Wakko!" the other male in a blue shirt and red baseball cap added.
"And cute! But call me Dot," the little female said with a smile.
"Oh. Great. The Warners." Daffy slapped his forehead. "Our plan just went down the toilet."
"What plan?" the trio asked, leaping into his arms.
"Uh, no plan! We weren't planning anything. And go away!" He dropped the three unceremoniously and marched away with Porky trailing him.
"You guys plannin' on making a breakout?" Yakko asked, poking his head an inch away from Daffy's bill.
Daffy gently pushed the Warner out of his personal space, and answered with a sigh, "Yes."
"Great! We'll join you." Yakko, Wakko and Dot grinned widely, showing off all their pearly whites.
"And what makes you think we'll let you?" he asked monotonously.
Wakko reached behind his back and pulled out a small brown paper bag with the words "Gag Bag" written in crayon on it. He dug deep into the bag; all sorts of noises coming from it: Broken dishes, zipping of springs, crackling flames and all sorts of African jungle sounds. Finally, Wakko held up a simple key ring with a single key hanging from it. "Might need this to fly that ship of yours," he said with little smirk.
Porky snatched the key out of his hands. "Y-y-you're in."
Daffy held a feathery hand over his eyes. "Now keep a lookout for the ship," he said, observing the warehouse. "It's large, but there's junk everywhere…"
"Uh, D-D-Daffy?" Porky deadpanned. He pointed directly opposite of the warehouse's doors, where the S.S. Dodgers stood splendidly. Complete with launch bay.
"I knew I'd find it!" Daffy declared.
The five boarded the spacecraft, familiarizing themselves with the instruments. Daffy tossed a trombone out of his captain's chair and sat down. "Ah…it still has my formation," he said with a delighted sigh.
"W-w-wonderful," Porky said as he sat on his tiny cadet's seat. He swiped his hand over the control panel, warming the engines. "Preparing for launch."
"Ooh, I'll have a liverwurst sandwich with mayo," Wakko said.
"DAH, HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING OTHER THERE?"
Daffy peered out the ship's window. Ralph, the studio's security guard, was standing by the open warehouse's doors, pointing a flashlight in their direction. "Can the countdown, Senior Swine. We've got company."
"Dah, we've got trouble down in the prop warehouse," Ralph said into his walkie-talkie.
"Engines are prepped," Porky stated as several more security guards arrived, screaming for them to cease and desist.
"Launch!" Daffy shouted, slamming his webbed foot into the gas pedal. The engines ignited and blasted – the S.S. Dodgers sank backward into the ground. Porky, the Warners, and even the security guards gaped in pure bewilderment at the sight. "Whoops," Daffy giggled in embarrassment. "Had the silly thing in reverse." He made a quick shift in gears. "Ahem. Launch!"
The S.S. Dodgers shot out of the ground, out the warehouse, and right out the atmosphere; setting all the other props aflame and the security guards charred black, but otherwise unharmed. The Warners' clung tightly to their armrests as the g-forces slammed them deep into the cushions of their chairs, their lips flapping open – at least, they imitated the act, as Daffy and Porky were perfectly fine and stared at the three with half-open eyes.
"Well, that came off without a hitch," Daffy declared cheerfully, dusting off his clean hands. A smile formed on his face; not one of deception, but of determination. "Look out, universe. Here I come!"
"In-incoming asteroid," Porky deadpanned.
"Yipe!" Daffy ducked under his captain's chair. "I wanna go home!"
End of Chapter 2
If you don't know who these characters are, you had no childhood. Just in case:
Daffy Duck and Porky Pig are from Looney Tunes.
Yakko, Wakko and Dot Warner are from Animaniacs.
Oh, and if you're why the "Dodgers" appeared so often at the beginning of lines, well. Think about who wrote it.