Ok, again, this fic deals with self injury, and may contain triggers for some. If you're dealing with SI, this may not be the best story for you to read.
I don't own the characters of Vampire Knight. Matsuri Hino DOES.
R&R, if you're so inclined…
~*~*~*~
It was Saturday, and Yuuki was thankful to have no classes to sit through. The week of Spring Break was also to begin on Monday, so she had a bit of time to think…to attempt to sort things out. She'd done her best to avoid human contact since the night before, when she'd found herself acting like someone else entirely. Her arm ached and she'd awakened to find bloodstains on her sheets, something else she'd have to worry about. Despite the ache of her body, the ache in her heart was far worse. She hadn't seen Zero for a few days and it was taking its toll on her. She wondered what he was thinking, if he were well. Surely his hunger was getting the best of him. He was probably sick by now, a thought that urged her to seek him out. They'd have to talk about it sometime, wouldn't they? It's not as if they could go on avoiding each other forever.
As it happened, he was the one that sought her out. She was sitting in her room, lost in her own thoughts, her stereo humming when the knock came at her door. She sat up, a certain panic rising within her.
"Who is it?" she called, though she had an inkling.
"It's me. Can I come in?" came his smooth voice, sending chills racing along her spine. Her heart began to race and she swallowed hard, knowing they had put this off for long enough.
"Sure," she returned, watching as her door opened, his tall, lanky form appearing soon afterward. He shut the door behind him, making his way cautiously over to her bed. He looked so different without his uniform on, wearing jeans and a black shirt. He looked as nervous as she felt, his hands clenched at his sides. He stopped in front of her and she moved to sit cross legged, beckoning him to have a seat next to her. He obliged, his lavender eyes full as they looked her through.
Hands wringing, she looked away, unable to find the words she longed to say. To her surprise, he leaned forward, his eyes slitting shut as his head tilted back. What was he doing?
After a moment, his eyes opened, tinted red, just as they had been a few days ago. A certain fear struck her, though she fought it back, holding it at bay.
"Why do I smell blood?" he asked, his question startling her. She immediately felt like a fool. Of course, he would notice it. How could she be so thoughtless as to overlook that?
"What?" she nearly stuttered, feigning total ignorance. She saw him clutch at his throat, her eyes growing wide with horror as she watched his features contort in pain. She couldn't bear it, the sight of him doubling over, his chest heaving as he struggled to quell the hunger raging within him.
She moved almost automatically to comfort him, her hands coming to rest upon his shoulders. She nearly reeled backwards as he met her, almost fiercely, his words sounding harsh to her ears.
"Don't, Yuuki," he warned, though she couldn't force herself to leave him be.
"Please," she said, "let me help you. You know I can," she told him, noticing something akin to fear in the depths of his eyes.
"I can't. I won't…not again," he vowed, his hand clutching at his throat more desperately, the smell of blood driving him to the far reaches of madness. It wasn't just blood…it was her blood, a realization that both puzzled and floored him. But he had to fight it. He couldn't allow himself the sick gratification of tasting her essence again. He'd hurt her enough, he thought, had taken enough from her. He despised himself for it, for doing such a thing to the one person that mattered to him in this world.
He attempted in vain to push her back, though she wouldn't be persuaded. She crawled to him, her arms going around his shoulders as the smell of blood became overwhelming, consuming his entire being. His will power was breaking down quickly, his arm snaking around her waist, her head tilting back to allow him access to the column of her neck. It was both torture and bliss, to hold her like this, to feel the rapid beating of her heart against his chest. He knew she was terrified, a thought that made him bitter. It was the last thing he wished for. In truth, he wanted only to see her beautiful smile, to hear her laughter floating on the air around him. His actions sickened him, and he cursed himself for being so powerless against his own urges.
Her scent bombarded him, intoxicating him. His fangs extended, raking gently along her neck. He felt her body tense, his other hand moving to anchor in her russet hair.
"I'm sorry," he breathed, his fangs sinking deeply into the muscle of her neck, causing a small moan to escape her. She clung to him, her body feeling weak in his grip. The same familiar pleasure settled over her, and she felt guilty for having the gall to enjoy this accursed act. She could hear the sounds of him drinking from her, their closeness almost comforting. Soon, he pulled back, his eyes returning to their usual calm shade of lavender, his tongue tasting the corners of his lips. She could see the guilt in his eyes, the shame that she could easily relate to.
She sat slumped against his shoulder, feeling a bit dizzy. He'd taken quite a bit from her, leaving her head swimming. It was as his hands took hold of her upper arms that she cried out, immediately regretting it. He looked confused, though she could see him quickly adding things up in his mind.
"What's wrong?" he asked, concern lacing his voice. He'd released her arms, his fingers moving to encircle her wrist to hold her in place. His eyes narrowed, and she knew that she'd been found out. Zero was no fool, and she hated herself for underestimating him.
She struggled as he unceremoniously took hold of the hem of her shirt, her eyes widening as he pulled it over her head. She tried to put space between them, though she knew it was in vain. He knew. He just had to see it for himself.
Their struggle ended with him pinning her smaller frame to her mattress, his weight holding her still as shock spread across his face. She tried to cover the evidence, but his fingers held her wrists, his other hand touching the white gauze covering her upper arm. Blood had seeped through, staining it red in patches. His brows furrowed, his fingers gently removing the tape holding the gauze in place, revealing a gross number of cuts, some quite deep and still weeping silently.
"Yuuki? What…?" he started, a deep frown touching his lips. Of course he'd be disappointed in her. She felt her eyes welling with tears, though she refused to allow them to fall. The look on his face was heartbreaking, his confusion turning then to anger.
"Did you do this?" he asked, already knowing the truth. Of all the things he'd witnessed, this was perhaps the most hurtful. This beautiful girl, so perfect, so precious to him…she'd carved herself to ribbons. He saw the look on her face, the overwhelming shame that washed over her. He immediately felt to blame. If it hadn't been for him, she would be at peace. Instead, she'd taken everything out on herself. If only he'd been there for her. Instead, he'd been busy avoiding her, to soothe his own conscience. So selfish, he thought, so wrong of him, to leave her so alone.
Losing her battle, he watched her tears fall, her lip quivering as she avoided his gaze. His heart burned, the sight nearly enough to break him. His eyes strayed to her wounds once more, and he noticed that they'd begun to bleed again. She gasped as his head lowered, his tongue laving gently at her cuts as if to mend them. He pulled back, before his bloodlust could once again take him over, his eyes filled with a pain that couldn't be put into words.
"This is because of me," he said somberly, more of a statement than a question. Her heart clenched, the look on his face unlike anything she'd yet witnessed in her young life.
"Don't. You can't say that," she told him, feeling more vulnerable than she ever had. Without a word, she felt his arms go around her, pulling her in against his chest. His head bowed over her, her breath catching, silent tears still rolling down her pale cheeks. This was the last thing she wanted, for him to take the blame. She only wanted peace for him, though she knew that her actions had only made things worse.
Her small hands fisted in the fabric of his shirt, time seeming to still as they sat, both seeming overwhelmed. With all the courage she could muster, Yuuki looked up at him, appalled to find his cheeks wet with tears, his face grim. She'd not seen him cry since they were children, and the sight was frightening in itself. Zero wasn't one to easily show emotion.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, her small body rocking with sobs, his arms tightening about her. He felt positively helpless, feeling as though his entire world were crashing down around him. This girl, though she knew it not, was his reason for living. Ever since he'd come to know her, he had sworn to live to watch over her, to be by her side. But now, he could only hold her as she wept, feeling totally numb. He'd failed her.
"I'm the one that's sorry. I should've left before now. I shouldn't have involved you in my nightmare," he told her, closing his eyes as her fingers brushed his tears from his cheek. Her hands then framed his face, his eyes focusing on her once again. The feeling of her hands, so gentle, was enough to soothe him.
"Don't ever say something like that to me. We're in this together, no matter what. You know that, don't you?" she asked, ignoring the ache in her arm as she studied him.
Her words touched him, tapped into the heavily guarded shelter of his heart. Together. That's what they had always been, since he'd stepped through the door that fateful night years ago. She'd stroked his hair, offering comforting words as she kept his nightmares at bay. He'd begun to love her then, and his love for her had grown exponentially since. There was nothing he wouldn't do for her, though at the moment he found himself feeling nothing but helpless.
"Then why wouldn't you talk to me?" he wondered, smoothing her dark hair from her face.
"I…I don't know. I just needed to deal with this in my own way," she answered, shame lacing her voice.
He sighed, his lips touching her forehead lightly, fire burning in the pit of her stomach. She'd never felt such regret before, though she was grateful that he hadn't been harsh with her after his discovery.
"It's not the way. If you have to take it out on someone, take it out on me. I'm right here, Yuuki," he said gently, his thumb smoothing along her cheek.
He was, wasn't he? He'd always been there, no matter the circumstance. He'd been by her side, had always watched over her. They'd huddled under the covers together as children, keeping the shadows at bay. But, they were no longer children, and things had gotten more complicated than either had ever expected. Now, they knew each other's secrets. The question was how they would deal with them.
"I don't really know what to do. And I don't know how to feel," she confessed, the feeling of his arms around her doing wonders to calm her soul.
"But I know that it's not your fault. You can't help what you are, and I don't blame you for anything. I just don't know what to do," she said again, resting her head against his shoulder.
"I'll help you," he said, "if you'll let me." She closed her eyes, taking in the familiar scent of him, something that had always brought her comfort.
"Some of those…they're pretty deep, Yuuki. You should get them stitched up," he told her, though she was soon shaking her head afterwards.
"I can't. I can't let the chairman know…or anyone else," she said, unable to fathom what she would say to explain herself.
He chose his words carefully, so as not to upset her further.
"You realize that every vampire on this campus will smell the blood until these stop bleeding," he pointed out, disturbing her a bit. Yes, that was true. Even Kaname, who she'd both trusted and respected for many years would know. The thought put her ill at ease. She didn't want him fussing over her and she knew it meant he'd be on Zero's back because of it. They'd always detested one another, much to her displeasure, and this would be just the excuse Kaname needed to take his frustrations out on Zero. At least, she thought, everyone would be away visiting home for the week. That gave her a bit of time at least.
She looked up at him, a mighty sigh soon escaping her.
"You'll have to take care of them," she said, causing him to swallow hard.
"Yuuki, I really think I should take you to a doctor. I can't guarantee I'll be able to control myself while I tend to them," he confessed, though he could tell by the look in her eyes that she would not be denied.
After a moment, he relented, his hand proffering her discarded shirt. She looked so fragile, her arms crossed slightly to grant herself a bit of modesty. Only a bit of black lace remained between them, a realization that he immediately pushed to the back of his mind. There were much more pressing matters at hand.
She took it from him, carefully pulling it over her head before getting to her feet. She took his hand, an almost automatic action that caused a bit of calm to settle over her. Leading her towards the door, Zero unlocked it and led her out into the hallway, the door sounding shut behind them.
~*~*~*~
Alright, there's Chapter 2! Let me know how you're feelin' about the story and I'll have more soon (I hope). I tend to get in over my head and start a million stories and then neglect them. Oops. Bad me!
*Cosmic Moon Baby*