Brittany spent the whole next week on her bed in MIT. She didn't go out even for a second. She didn't get up from the bed except to use the bathroom. She cried constantly. She tried to relive each single moment of her life with Santana. She wanted to find out the exact moment in time that Santana changed so much her opinion of her. She wanted to know which was that tiny moment that she'd let it pass through her fingers… the moment Santana doubted her devotion to their relationship… to their relationship as whole. Was it the day they broke up? Was it because of Sam? She couldn't really believe that she could be compared to Sam? Was it when she left for MIT? Was she supposed to beg Santana to take her back somehow? And then what? Then what would have happened when Santana decided again that she didn't get what she needs again? Because she said that too… but when she said it Brittany was already feeling guilty for staying behind and practically imprisoning Santana. She wanted Santana to have a chance in a brighter future… she didn't encouraged her so just she could stray for a dick. The remembrance of that phrase made her rush in the bathroom to throw up again. If she could just get that phrase off her mind… she couldn't keep throwing up… she wasn't even eating anything to throw it up. She sat exhausted on the bathroom floor. She heard her phone ringing. She hadn't answered any phone calls since the news. Only some texts messages for Quinn. Santana called her once. And then once more. And then sent a text message, "Hey Britt, how are you?". And then she texted again some time, "Britt, how's everything?" And the last time she just texted "Britt…" Brittany didn't answer any of that. However she had in mind that she should get clear with Santana at some point. She should explain to her that she didn't want any kind of communication with her anymore. She should do it… but she wasn't ready yet to explain anything… she was still throwing up in every thought. She was feeling so dirty. She made her feel so dirty… She… the only person that could cleanse her… The phone wouldn't stop and Brittany made her way to the bedroom to see who it was. It was her mother. They hadn't spoken to each other for a few days. She decided to answer it because she didn't want to alert her mother.
Brittany: Hello…
Her voice was cold, emotionless, and serious. It has been like that for a while but Brittany never heard it before. She thought someone else just spoke. But no… it was herself. She sighed.
Mrs. Pierce: Oh baby, you heard… (She started crying.)
Well… yes… she heard. But how could she know about that.
Brittany: Why are you crying?
Mrs. Pierce: Honey, I know it's a shock… I want you to come back home… We are your family we can help you through this.
What was she talking about? She didn't act like that when she came back from school that day when Santana broke up with her and she cried her eyes out. She just said to her, "Give it time. Time is a great healer". Well… karma is a bitch, mama.
Brittany: Mom… I don't understand. What's wrong? Is everyone ok at home?
Mrs. Pierce: Define home, baby.
That alerted Brittany. That scared the shit out of her. Something happened to someone. She thought of Santana, but no she couldn't be her. She would have felt it somehow.
Brittany: Tell me.
Brittany's mom was crying harder now. Brittany was holding her breath.
Mrs. Pierce: Finn… died, baby.
Brittany: Which Finn? My friend Finn?
Mrs. Pierce: Yes.
Brittany: Of course he didn't die.
Brittany was feeling that she was loosing her mind. That inch by inch it was slipping out from her head. She couldn't let that happen. She needed her mind back to persuade her mother that Finn was ok. Old people always overreacted.
Mrs. Pierce: He died, Brittany. It is true… please come back home.
Brittany: Stop… why you keep say that he died. People don't just die.
Mrs. Pierce: But… they do, honey.
Then Brittany realized that her mother was telling her the truth. And that… that wasn't something her brain could process. It is so big that she can't fit it in to her damn brain.
Brittany: Oh my god (She breathed out)
Mrs. Pierce: I'm not hanging up the phone, sweety. I'm here. Talk to me or don't if you don't want. But I'm here.
How could he do that? How could he just die?
Brittany: Mom… I don't know how… to react… I don't know what to do…
Mrs. Pierce: Calm down, honey. You are not supposed to do anything. Act the way you feel, I'm here.
Brittany: But I don't know… I don't know…
Mrs. Pierce: It's ok, honey. Do you want to call your friends maybe? You can grief all together and find your solution together.
Brittany: My friends? Oh my god… Rachel.
And then Brittany started to cry hard. Because that was easier for her, that she could understand it. She could cry for her suffering friend. People suffer. But she couldn't cry for her dead friend, because people don't just die.
Brittany: I can't talk anymore.
She hung up the phone. And then all the emotions hit her like a tidal wave. She was crying and kept throwing herself on the wall just to feel something… to open a hole and fit everything inside her… Santana, Finn… Santana.
Her phone was ringing again. That time was Santana. Brittany didn't answer. After a while she received a text from her voicemail. She called the voice mail and heard Santana's sniffs and then her cracked voice.
"Ummm Rachel is like crazy… I don't know what to do… and… and Kurt is crying all the time… and I… where are you? Can you please come…? I need you… I so need you right now… and you need me too I know it… ummm… call me please… I'm at a loss…"
Brittany was lying emotionless on the ground. Finn was going to take many of them with him. Brittany was one of them.
Brittany: You need me, Santana Lopez but you can't have me anymore.
Brittany closed her eyes and tried to fantasize if Finn was watching the same darkness as she now. Or really there was a light there. Or maybe only darkness. Are people there? Are better friends there? Better than her anyway… Brittany wished there are. A sleep like a coma claimed her after a while.
She woke up. She didn't know how long did she sleep. Anyway she had lost the sense of time long time ago. She crawled to her phone and called a number. After a while she heard the other person answering the call but she was only hearing sniffs.
Brittany: Quinn…
Quinn was crying hard but Brittany was drained. She was so empty that somehow that made her so powerful.
Quinn: I… he…
Brittany: Quinn… don't speak. I just wanted to check on you. I'm hanging up now.
Quinn: No please. (She paused.) How… how are you?
Brittany: Well loss is a way of living for me now.
Quinn: I see…
Brittany: How are you?
Quinn: (She broke again.) I loved him so much… and she was the only one that loved me back so much. How's life without him?
Brittany: If there's a life…
Quinn: Brittany, don't talk like that. Anyway… I called Rachel… you don't want to know.. we have to go back for the funeral.
Brittany: Yeah…
Quinn: Aren't you coming?
Brittany: I'll come… but I won't show up to anyone.
Quinn: Britt, you must set aside your differences with Santana now. At least for a while. She's pretty messed up too.
Brittany: She was always messed up. Now I'm too. I'll deal with everything in my own way. I'll see you back home, Quinn. Stay strong.
Brittany hung up the phone and fell to her blackness once again. At some point she got up and reached her phone again. It was 4am on some Saturday. She started packing a bag with some clothes. Her phone buzzed. It was a text message. From Santana. "The funeral is on Monday morning. Please be there. Don't let me crack in front of all those people."
Brittany: (She spoke to herself) Well… I haven't received so many messages from you in months. Karma is a bitch.
She closed her bag pack loaded to her shoulders, grabbed Lord Tubbinghton and left her room.
She traveled for the best part of the next day until she finally reached her home in Lima. Her parents threw themselves on her hugging her but she was emotionless, cold. She hugged them back and started to head to her room. She stopped and turned to her parents.
Brittany: Please, be there for Finn's parents. (Her parents nodded) Don't tell anybody that I'm here.
Mrs. Pierce: Brittany…
Brittany: Mom. Nobody will know, okay?
Her parents nodded and Brittany went to her room. She stayed there until the funeral. Here parents where deeply worried. It was Sunday evening and her parents were sitting in the living room. Brittany has refused to eat once more.
Mrs. Pierce: What are we going to do?
Mr. Pierce: Is this only for Finn? Were they so close?
Mrs. Pierce: Finn was special to these kids. But I don't know... I mean our kid always had this way to see hard stuff differently. I don't know what happened.
Mr. Pierce: Did you notice… Santana's absent?
Mrs. Pierce: Santana's gone for the most part of the year.
Mr. Pierce: Yes, but I saw her father. He told me she's here.
Mrs. Pierce: You didn't tell him about Britt, right?
Mr. Pierce: No, I didn't. But what are we going to say tomorrow if people ask?
Mrs. Pierce: Well… let's say that she's down with a flue.
Mr. Pierce: And she couldn't make it to her friend's funeral?
Mrs. Pierce: It's not convincing I know… but what is…
Brittany went out of her room.
Brittany: Just say, "I don't know". It's no one's business to know anyway.
The next day her parents left for the funeral. She was getting ready when she received a text from Santana. "Why are you avoiding me so much? What happened? I'm going to the funeral. Please be there… I can go through this without you." Brittany switched off her phone and went to the cemetery. She was standing far away from the Finn's grave but she could recognize her friends. She had her eyes on Santana. Santana was holding Rachel. She couldn't see if she was crying. When the crowd started to leave, Santana looked all around searching for Brittany. Then she went over to Brittany's parents. She talked to them. Brittany saw her shaking her head and wiping her eyes. Everyone left and then Brittany reached the grave. She placed a white rose and sat on the ground.
Brittany: Hey… Finn… I'm here too… don't know if you care… but anyway I'm sorry… that you had to go… I loved you… I will remember you… and ummm…. Finn? You were a good friend.
She stood up and left. When she reached her bedroom she switched on her phone and saw several missed calls, some hurtful messages from her friends telling her that she should be ashamed that she wasn't there and a voicemail. It was Santana again.
"Are you fucking kidding me? Where are you? Where the fuck are you? What are you doing? I swear to you I'll find you and you better have a good explanation for all these. How could you do this to me? You know how much I need you. You know how guilty I feel right now for the way I treated him. Where are you… where are you… where are you" She was crying so hard and yelling that Brittany had a tear crossing her cheeks.
Later that day Quinn dropped by. She found Brittany on her bed.
Quinn: What's that? You are a mess. Have you eaten anything?
Brittany: What do you want, Quinn?
Quinn: I don't want you to follow Finn. That is what I want. Your parents are worried. Santana needs you really bad.
Brittany: But I don't care for all these.
Quinn: Brittany, come on. She made a mistake. Get over it.
Brittany: No. I'm sorry that she has to deal with all her mistakes in a single week but that's the way it is. You see, you've always thought I was a stupid, naïve person that couldn't feel anything more than first level feelings. Who's stupid now huh?
Quinn: That's not true.
Brittany: People like me when they fall… fall hard. And maybe people like Finn. You've all wanted me to leave this imaginary world of mine. So, I left it. Happy now?
Quinn: Brittany…
Brittany: Quinn, please leave me alone. I'll be in touch with you.
Quinn: Ok. Mr. Schue said that in couple of weeks they'll do a Finn week and we should be part of this. But I'll have performances then with my school's play. I talked to Rachel. She's ok with this.
Brittany: I'm not going. I can mourn Finn wherever I am. I don't have to be in the choir room.
Quinn left and Brittany stayed in her darkness again. Before she drifted to her coma, she called Rachel.
Rachel: Yes…
Her voice was soft and fragile.
Brittany: Rachel.
Rachel: Brittany… ummm
Brittany: I'm sorry.
Rachel: Brittany… is that you?
Brittany: Yup.
Rachel: Oh… your voice is different.
Brittany: But it's still me. I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
Rachel: I'm sorry too. He was your friend too. Mmmm you weren't there…
Brittany: Of course I was.
Rachel: Oh… but… Sant…
Brittany: I would appreciate if you didn't tell her that I was there… But you can do whatever you want.
Rachel: Ok.
Brittany: So bye, Rachel. I won't come on Finn week but I won't forget him either. Goodbye.
Rachel: You sound like it's forever.
Brittany: What is forever, Rachel? Don't you question that now?
Rachel: Ummm
Brittany: Goodbye, Rachel.
Rachel: Goodbye, Brittany.
Weeks went by. Brittany was still in her dorm bed missing classes, missing deadlines. The blackness had taken a very good part of her. She couldn't stay awake for than 10 minutes. She was eating a few cookies or chips. She was responding only to her mom's phone calls. Santana had stopped calling her. That made her calmer. She was feeling that soon enough she would be able to leave consciousness. One day her phoned rang. It was Santana. After a while she heard the message that meant that she had left a message to her voice mail. Santana was screaming and crying.
"You crossed every limit. I hate you, I really hate you. You left me alone to fucking broke down in front all of these douchebags. Why? I want to know why? Because I have a girlfriend? Because I continued my life and didn't stay behind watching you fuck Sam? Give me a fucking reason. This is the way to get me back from her? You are pushing me to her. She wanted to come with me back in Lima. But no, I wanted you. I was such an idiot. WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU? Where are you… please… I will never forgive you, Brittany."
Brittany heard the message and she felt something inside her. It was funny. She thought was completely still and empty. She then grabbed her phone and called Santana.
Santana: (She gasped) Oh my god..
Brittany: Everybody hurts, Santana. Deal with it and you'll be fine. I know it sucks to need someone so bad who is not available for you but… welcome to the club.
Santana: Don't hang up the phone. Don't you dare.
Brittany: I' m not afraid of you. Although I should have. Because you were the only one who could hurt me. I don't want to hear from you anymore. Please respect that.
Santana: But why…?
Brittany: Because when you were wasting your time thinking that I would stray for a dick I was actually lying beside you.
Brittany hung up the phone, switched it off and smashed it on the wall. She then left the room.