So so so so sorry this took so long to eventually post! I started writing it a week after i posted the first chapter, and hit a wall of writers block and i was busy finishing off year ten and then i went on holiday, where i wrote a lot more of it, got writers block as soon as i got home, and these last two days have been spent writing ideas on notepads and finishing it off, i have spell-checked but please let me know if theres any wrong spellings, (im a terrible speller).

Please review! bad or good! im trying to capture the characters as best as possible, and i plan on diving right into Spencers addiction, and all its ugly truths about being addicted to drugs. I also have figured out my end-game for this story! So i will keep posting :D

Enjoy!

'because sometimes people do actually feel that way, sometimes your life feels like its caving in on you. Sometimes people really do feel like they dont want to exist, like they want to just curl up in a ball, and go into that place between life and death. saying''I dont want to exist'' isnt saying ''i want to go die''. It's saying ''I wish that, for the time being, i could go somewhere and not have to feel''. I dont think theres anything wrong with that. and if you dont now how it feels to feel this way, then you have no place to judge anyone who does.' - Unknown.

Spencer had no idea why he had run, or what exactly he had run from, partly it was the small station in which they had been standing with walls that seemed to inch closer together with every passing moment, the cream paint on them was too bland and wavy and it had made him feel claustrophobic, and the vials, the vials that promised so very much but gave so very little, and he knew that he was afraid, afraid of taking a vial and pushing it into a needle and.. no. he couldn't even imagine a needle filled with that crap, he breathed in the cool morning air, hoping that it would flow through him and ease his mind, wash him clean inside out, but to no avail, he let his amazing mind kick into gear as it worked a mile-a-minute going through possibilities, did he know the man who was doing this? or did they know him, stalk him, follow him? Did they steal files or did they work in the FBI? impossible. nobody had known about Reids problem and it was written down to exhaustion, Hotch had done a very good job on keeping it quiet, Reid regarded.

'Spence?' JJ's voice called out to him with an edge to her voice that sounded unsure, Reid breathed in one last time, trying to settle the feelings in his stomach before turning around to face her. 'Spencer are you okay? we understand you know, not as much as we would like, but enough to get that this must be hard but we need to talk to you about this and the possibilities..' Spencer nodded and held her gaze, willing his legs to move, to stop feeling as if they had turned to stone, he walked back into the horribly cream colored station.

As he sat in a black, uncomfortable chair in their conference room, Spencer felt as if he was being interrogated, as if he was a suspect, as if he would send himself vials to make him seem less like a suspect, which was stupid of course because he didn't even live in Chicago and all they had to do was check his bank account for money withdrawals, he wanted to say this but he knew he sounded paranoid, because he knew that they weren't seriously considering it to be him. 'Reid, have you any idea who may know about your..' Hotch paused as he tried to find a kind way of saying it, which annoyed Spencer, why couldn't they just say the bitter sounding words.
'my addiction with diladuid.' Reid stated coldly, more coldly then he had meant but Hotch's face barely made any sign of hurt to his tone, he just nodded slowly and continued.
'Yes. Did you tell anyone about it? confide in anyone in particular?'
Reid thought about it for a moment, making a mental list of those who knew, he had been tempted to tell his mother once, admit his failing as a genius and he actually visited her during his time of detox and she had said to him, without him saying a word, that 'the world catches us all at our weakest at some point, Spence.' and that to him had seemed like enough. He directed his thoughts back to the question and Hotch. 'The only people who knew where you, and the team' he gestured his head towards them, as they stood in the back leaning on the backs of blue chairs, Morgan was looking at him while JJ, Emily and Rossi stood around each other, looking at the floor. 'My friend in new Orleans, Ethan , but i know this cant be him because i spoke to him last week by email, his being doing shows every night and sent me a tape of one of them as well. Theres the Beltway clean cops group i attended on occasion when i was free, but that was purely first name basis, i never mentioned being apart of the BAU.' Reid stated, as if this was just a fact, not him, not really happening in this reality.
'We'll need to find out who those cops were just incase Reid.' This made Spencer feel uncomfortable, to know those cops private life would be searched through just because they'd had a problem too, like Reid. 'Morgan' Hotch called across the room, Morgan, who was already looking over just rose his eyebrows in response. 'Call Garcia and have her do a search of the cops and the meetings Reid attended, see if they have any offenses whatsoever. Tell her to make it quick' Morgan nodded and left the tension of the conference room and clicked the speed dial number, which would connect him to Penelope Garcia.
'Penelope Garcia, queen of the net and goddess of the bedroom, which service are you after?' her playful voice sung down the phone, knowing it would be Morgan who called.
'Oh baby girl you know what service id choose if i was there. But right now i need your skills of the net and i need them fast.' 'What can i do for you my chocolate marsh mellow?' Garcia replied, he heard her swivel chair turn to face her wall of screens which could find information faster than anything in the world.
'I need you to do a search at some beltway clean cops meetings held back in Washington which Reid attended in his off duty time, go into all the people who attended, spoke, and didn't speak, dive into their backgrounds and find out everything, and what they were there for, we're talking to Reid as well but any more information would be appreciated.'
Garcia begun typing and he already knew what question she wanted to ask. 'How is Reid doing with the case?'
'His not so good baby girl, the killer sent Reid a package with diladuid in with a note asking him to share it with him, we don't want to dive into this background but we haven't got much choice, also do a search on Ethan - thats Reids friend from new Orleans, but when you give the information on the clean cops, don't mention the new Orleans guy, ok?'
'Ok sweet cheeks but don't abuse my junior G-mans trust ok? I'll get back to you faster than light.' with that, Garcia hung up and got to work.

While Morgan was talking to Garcia, the interrogation in the conference room continued, but this time it was Rossi who spoke up. 'Reid, did anyone seem a little too interested in you at the meetings? spoke to you too much about your addiction?' He focused intently on Reid, his glare was piercing and it made Spencer squirm, he felt like a small child talking to the principle after reporting an incident. 'No, nothing out of the ordinary, everyone will ask questions and nobody seemed over-interested.' Reid replied steadily, his head spinning as he tried to sort out the mess in his brain.
Rossi continued. 'So nobody seemed too friendly, like they wanted to be overly helpful.' Reid thought about the cop who had given him that special coin before one case, but couldn't bring himself to mention it, he wondered why every good moment had to be plagued and over-analyzed, so he kept it too himself.
'Nope. Rossi if someone had i would have been suspicious and profiled them instantly, but none stuck out at all.' Hotch, who had looked thoughtful during Rossi's questions, focused back onto Reid.
'What were most of the addictions at the clean cops meetings?' Hotch queried.
'Um. a whole host of problems really.. Alcoholics mostly, some heroin addicts and one other narcotics addict.' Reid stated the last bit flatly, knowing the next question would be obvious, So he answered it for them. 'Before the question arises, the other narcotics addict overdosed on diladuid four months ago accidently after six months of being clean, so it isn't him, nor is he related, since only his immediate family were aware of the problem and kept it quiet for reputation sake.' he gazed into the station and instantly noticed one officer who was in a phone call and was gesturing the chief over, Reid knew someone had developed. 'How long has the other girl been missing now?' '19 days.' Emily said instantly, she had also noticed the movement, which directed the rest of the team to gaze at the scene unfolding just as Morgan re-entered the room.
Moments later the chief walked in, his stance gave away that the news was obviously not good. 'the missing girl, Melissa Stock, aged 19, who became missing on the 1st of May has just been found, with signs of torture and was killed by strangulation, she was found dumped in the park on the outskirts of the wooded area. A teenage boy playing football found her and got help.' the chief explained.
'Same sort of dump sites as the others, not hidden thoroughly, and dumped like garbage. But she was killed by strangulation, which is new.' Emily stated to none in particular, her tone angry.
'His dumped her early, which means his progressing, along with the fact that he has changed his method, suggests he is becoming more and more agitated' Hotch paused thoughtfully before he continued. 'Emily and Rossi i want you to go to the dump site and check out the body, Morgan and me will go the abduction site and JJ you'll stay here and talk to her parents, get additional information that may become important, Reid i want you to begin the geographical profile and try and have it ready by the time we get back. Hotch nodded at everyone and just as everyone picking up their belongings he said one last thing. 'This is a difficult case which will affect all of us in some way, but don't let your emotions cloud your vision.' With that everyone left, JJ went to talk to Melissas parents, who had just been called in, and Reid was left to start the geographical profile of missing girls.

Hotch and Morgan climbed into the trademark black SUV and with Hotch driving, begun their way to a bad part of Chicago suburbs, the only noise in the car being the air con, a tension filled the air as Morgan had a feeling he was paired with Hotch for a reason. They sat in silence for a few more minutes, which in interrogation would be called 'letting them stew' Morgan thought snidely, Hotch broke through the icey tension with a deafening blow.
'Morgan i need to know you will not compromise this case with your feelings regarding Reids previous addiction.' Hotch stated simply, as if it was obvious.
'Why would i do that Hotch? I want to catch this bastard as much as all of you and I'm not going to drag the case down just because I'm angry.'
'I'm glad to hear that because if i need too i will pull you off this case as soon as trouble begins, I'm not suggesting you're incompetent Morgan, you are a capable profiler, and more importantly, agent. I just don't want your emotions to compromise the proceedings of this case.'
'I know Hotch, it wont.' Morgan stated simply, and then realized he had never mentioned Reids outburst and face this morning. 'Hotch i think this case is already bad for Reid.' He spoke quietly, as if someone might overhear, when it was only them.
'I know, Morgan.' Hotch spoke honestly and sighed. 'Reids insight will be extremely helpful on this case but it also will mean he will have an exact idea of how the victims feel, empathy is a gift but sometimes too much can break a person.' Morgan nodded and knew he had to tell Hotch. 'Hotch, i knocked on Reids door this morning, waking him up as he wasn't in the lobby yet, and you know his usually up straight away, well he looked.. dead. like he hadn't slept in years and was really pale, he snapped at me again, like he used to when he was using.' Morgan said quietly, feeling like a friend who was ratting his best friend out to a teacher in school.
Hotch didn't say a word but just nodded grimly, and before he could continue, they pulled up at the place of abduction and Hotch simply said. 'We have a case Morgan, keep an eye on Reid but right now we need to focus purely on the case.' With that, he stepped out of the car and into the ice chill of the afternoon. As Morgan stepped out, he begun assessing the scene with new eyes, determining which could be a weapon, a place to watch a victim, and a place to snatch them without being noticed. 'Ok, so Melissas parents state that she had no previous run in with any sort of drugs, she got decent grades and was even apart of the troubled kids program, helping young children achieve higher than the grades they were predicted, but Melissa was also street-smart, she wouldn't get into a strangers car and she would certainly know how to protect herself.' Morgan exclaimed, thinking of why a girl such as Melissa would be taken. 'She was pretty, but nothing spectacular, nothing that would really stand out in crowd, she didn't draw attention to herself and she didn't have anything to make her stand out, so why choose her?' 'Thats what we need to figure out. She wouldn't risk herself knowing this neighborhood and she doesn't really have much resemblance to the other victims, his victimology is all over the place.' Hotch added. 'Ok Morgan, show me your theory.' sensing Morgan would already have come up with a reliable idea.
'Ok. So, say Melissa was walking home, as this is one route she could go by, she would have a confident stance as she walked and would pretty much blend in, this road is lined with houses, but the man knows that they wont draw attention to themselves even if they do see anything, because they don't want the police in their business. He has his transportation further down the road, knowing she will take this route, but he doesn't wait in the car or pick up truck because he lies in wait for her to go past, when she does, he exits the alleyway' Morgan gestures to an alley a few more minutes down the road. 'and follows her at a safe distance, slowly, he speeds up and comes up behind her just as he reaches his car, and somehow subdues her, puts her in, and drives away, it would be quick and efficient and the only way a girl like Melissa would be taken easily.' Morgan finishes.
'Thats a good theory Morgan, we could canvas the neighborhood, asking them if a particular car has been sighted more than once, we'll ask the senior members of the street, who are more likely to open up at the attention of it, and the scandal.' Hotch finished, they nodded and got back in the car, Hotch flipping up his phone to call Rossi.

As Morgan and Hotch arrived at the abduction site, Rossi and Emily arrived at the dump site of Melissa Stock, they made their way across a busy park to the trees where her body had been discarded recklessly, as they ducked under the bright yellow crime scene tape, a girl, with her black hair pulled back into a slick ponytail and a tiny pair of shorts and a crop top, marched over to the tape with an air about her that screamed 'do not mess with me.'
'Oi you, old man and the lady!' The girl yelled, loud enough so most of the park could hear, with a voice that was confident and a little husky, she sounded like a chain smoker. Rossi and Emily turned around in surprise, glanced at each other with a knowing look and walked calmly back to the tape.
'What can we do for you?' Emily asked politely, but not in a patronizing way.
'Is that Mel?' She gestured her head towards the trees, her voice had softened, hurt weaving its way through her tone. 'Shes my best friend, and i need to know if thats her. I was so worried, i still am, and i miss her like crazy and i just need to know.' Rossi and Emily glanced at each other, unsure whether or not they should break procedure or not.
'What's your name?' Emily gently asked the obviously distressed girl.
'Tasmin. Tasmin Riley incase you wanna background search me, which is silly, all you'll find is some shoplifting charges, i just want'a know if thats my Melly.' The nickname for her friend had slipped out, tainting her bravado, and she solemnly looked down at the floor and kicked her shoe. 'We all miss her so bad, she was the kindest girl I've ever met yaknow.'
'We understand Tasmin, and we haven't seen what's in the woods yet so we have no idea if its Melissa, but if it is would we be able to ask you questions about her? It'll help us with the case.' Emily probed, giving the girl a small, kind smile.
'Yeah thats fine.. do you mind if i just wait here?' Tasmin gently asked, all her confidence and attitude gone, and she was just a scared little girl, missing her best friend.
Emily and Rossi turned, and walked towards the area where the body was, as they approached, the smell they had become acquainted with over the years of profiling hit their nostrils, it was the smell of decay and dead flesh, it was a smell they didn't even need to cover their noses at because they were so used to it, which was wrong on many levels.
'Its Melissa.' Emily stated the obvious quietly, and sadly knowing that they would have to tell Tasmin when they were done.
'Strangulation around the neck looks like it was done with a wire, and forcefully, she has bruises covering her body and track marks are still present on the insides of her arms, she had still been forced to take the diladuid before she died.' Rossi said gently. He then pointed to her nostrils. 'They are sores around the nostril, which can happen from using strong forms of chloroform, meaning the unsub may have came up behind her with a napkin or towel and forced it into her face, knocking her out, making her easy to transport.' Rossi sighed. 'She had her whole life ahead of her, but she doesn't look like the other four women before her who had been killed.'
'You're right Rossi. The first victim, Sally Rubeon was blonde, white skin tone, and extremely skinny, the second victim, Chasity Hicks was black haired, black skin tone, and curvy. The third victim, Charlotte West had dyed red hair, olive toned skin and of average height, was the first victim to have a facial piercing, she had her eyebrow pierced, and the fourth victim, Tasha Freeman had brown hair, black skin tone, and was skinny, her parents said she was recovering from anorexia. Melissa has brown hair with blonde streaks, shes average build with olive-toned skin, and has all her ears pierced. However, their ages are all in the same range, 18-19.' Emily breathed in heavily. 'Why is he changing victims and not sticking to one?'
'That is the million-dollar question, Emily. We should go bring Tasmin back with us and-' Rossi was interrupted by his phone ringing, he gave Emily a nod to go get Tasmin and answered.
'Rossi, are you and Emily done at the dump site?' Hotch asked down the phone, his voice portraying none of his emotions.
'Yes, we are just taking Melissas best friend, Tasmin, back to the station with us so we can interview her.' Rossi then explained what they had seen on Melissas body at the scene.
Hotch sighed. 'Ok, get back to the station, we'll send Emily and Morgan in so they can interview Melissa, me and Morgan are on our way back now.' With that, Hotch hung up the phone and Rossi sighed, and walked towards where Emily and Tasmin stood, Emily had her arm around Tasmins shoulders as sobs broke through Tasmins posture.

Reid had completed the geographical profile within an hour, and he relaxed himself back onto the edge of the table, and looked at the intricate work of the profile he had made, he was still trying to distance himself from the reality of the case, the reality that the unsub knew he was, and what he had done, and it was then, alone, staring at the neighborhood on the geographical profile that was terrible and notorious, when he realized what the unsub was. A drug dealer.

It was painfully obvious! He would always have a supply of diladuid when he needed it, and Spencer had obviously had to use dealers to get his own fix, but how had this dealer found out more about him, who he was, where he worked? The case fit together a little better now Reid had figured that part out, but the bigger question was, how did he know who Reid was? Just as his mind begun swirling with these ideas, Hotch, Rossi and JJ entered the conference room, and exchanged glances at the faraway look on Reids face.

'Everything ok Reid?' Hotch asked delicately, pleased however that Reid had completed the geographical profile for them.
'Yeah Hotch, where are Morgan and Emily?' Their absence felt weird, but calming also to know Morgan wouldn't be staring obsessively at him whenever he so much as breathed or sighed.
'Interviewing Tasmin - Melissas best friend' and Hotch quickly told Reid what they had discovered at the two scenes.
JJ picked up from Hotch then, filling them all in on what she had found out from Melissas parents. 'Apparently Melissa often traveled to the bad areas of the suburbs because of the group she tutored at for troubled kids, she enjoyed it immensely and was very smart. She was aspiring to become a primary school teacher and loved going out with her friends, especially Tasmin, although her mum mentioned she always felt as if Tasmin was a bad egg and warned Melissa frequently about Tasmin due to some shoplifting incidents. Melissa had been adamant she would never dabble in drugs, and didn't smoke, she got drunk on occasion at parties but it was a normal amount for a girl her age. She didn't have a boyfriend, nor has she ever had one, she had actually came out as bi-sexual to her parents two months ago and only they and Tasmin were aware of that fact.' Spencer took in the information carefully, storing it in his amazing and diverse mind, knowing at some point during the case that information may be crucial to cracking it. He took a breath now, preparing himself to give an idea to the group, one that will raise so many uncomfortable questions about his days as an addict. 'I think i know how the unsub knows about my previous diladuid addiction.' Reid began, making sure his gaze fell on the other team members, Rossi raised his eyebrows in a way that meant he should continue. 'I missed out the obvious person, the one person who would know my addiction better then anybody' He took in one more breath and let it out slowly and finally formed the words. 'A drug dealer.' Hotch, JJ and Rossi had realization flash across their face, they hadn't even considered that possibility, although it was very obvious. 'Reid, how many dealers did you use?' Hotch asked seriously, his eyes boarding into Reids face.
'Any that were around... There was only one dealer i really used regularly and that was because he was often dealing close to me. He told me too call him Frank, but that may not be his real first name.' Reid felt embarrassed by his drug addiction, but also nostalgic.
'Thats enough. Ill call Garcia have her check at the people who have been done for drug possession in Washington and cross reference with the name Frank.' Hotch walked out of the room briskly, already flipping open his cell.

Meanwhile, in the interrogation room, Tasmin sat opposite Morgan and Emily and was waiting for the questions to begin, she had stopped crying on the way to the station and had gathered herself together, prepared to say anything that would catch the bastard that killed her best friend.
'Tasmin, this is Derek Morgan from the FBI, he is going to ask you questions as well.' Emily said, smiling sadly at the girl opposite, she had put her arm around Tasmins shoulders while she was crying, unsure of how to help her, Emily was not the maternal type.
'Tasmin.. Did Melissa ever hang around with anybody, or work with anybody, who dabbled with drugs?' Morgan asked, his voice soft and compassionate.
'Not that i know of, we always hung out together, we were best friends and whenever we were with other people, we were always together.' Tasmin frowned. 'And she never mentioned a drug addict at the troubled kids thing.. she always tells me about it after.'
'Would Melissa have any reason to hide something from you, about drugs?' Derek continued.
'No, she knew that i was very open minded, i don't care what people do with themselves, as long as they arn't hurting noone i don't care.' Tasmin shrugged.
'Did she ever confide in you about feeling watched, or did she seem.. overly paranoid? We believe the man who murdered your friend stalked his victims prior to the abduction so he knew their routine and routes.' Emily inserted her question in smoothly, Tasmin had to know something, anything.
'No.. i don't..' Tasmin paused and scrunched her eyes up before opening them, her hands move to her mouth to cover it before slamming them onto the table.'Shit! A week before she went missing she told me that weird things had been happening to her house, she had found clothes missing or moved in her bedroom.' Tasmin rested her head in her hands now. 'Oh my god.. i told her that she had just misplaced them or something..' Derek and Emily looked at each other, instantly knowing this is the most they'd get from Tasmin and called her parents to pick her up, after thanking her for her time.

Back in the conference room, Rossi glanced back at Reid and gave him a sympathetic smile.
'Reid, we're going to ask some awkward questions now.' Rossi stated, Reid simply nodded and leaned back in the chair, sighing.
'Reid.. How often did you buy diladuid, and take it?' Rossi asked quietly, making Hotch's footsteps back into the room seem loud.
'I brought diladuid everyday usually.. or every other day. I'd take it every day, unless we were on a case.' Reid said, honesty weaving its way around his words.
'Did Frank ever seem over interested in you.'
Reid looked down, knowing that the victims had been raped would confirm his suspicions further, there was one time with frank he was particularly not proud of...

Spencer walked along the dank alleyway, his coat collar raised high to protect the onslaught of rain from going down his shirt, he was looking for his dealer, he had named himself, Frank. Withdrawal wracked through his whole body, he needed the diladuid and he need it now, and as he saw Frank at the middle of the long stretch of alleyway, he began to stride faster, faster towards happiness, to oblivion.
'Frank.' Spencer stated, grabbing the mans attention.
'Spence! the usual, how much?' Frank winked at him then, Spencer barely noticed.
'Two vials.' Reid answered numbly back.
'That'll be 70' Frank replied, grabbing the vials from his pocket, he looked up when he saw the distressed look on Spencer's face, as he frantically dug around for his cash.
'...I forgot my money.' Reid stated uselessly, his withdrawals reaching new heights, he noticed how Frank looked thoughtful, before a smile spread across his face, a malicious smile with malicious intentions.
'You could always pay me back with that nice little mouth of yours.' Frank whispered to Spencer, the smile still sitting firmly on his face. Reid considered his options, he could leave, spend a night in withdrawals and put the gun in his mouth and... Or he could just pay him back with his body.
'Anything.' Spencer sighed, moving closer to the man, Frank smirked, and grabbed Reids hair and pushed him onto his knees, he undid his zipper and let his dick come out.
Spencer closed his eyes, and did what he had to do.

'Spencer?' Rossi asked again, noticing how Reids eyes had glazed over, as if recalling a memory he hadn't thought of for a very long time.
'Uh.. s-sorry.' Spencer stuttered, Hotchs eyes narrowed, Spencer only ever stuttered when he was nervous.
'What did you remember?' Hotch got straight to the point, Spencer looked down at his hands and let out a long deep breath, his wavy curls falling in front of his face.
'What you need to understand about an addiction, is sometimes it makes you do things you wouldn't do sober, and when you..' Reid paused, thinking about how to phrase this so they'd understand. '.. when you need something so badly, so badly that it hurts, it hurts to be without it, hurts to breathe, hurts to think, hurts to be alive.. You'll do anything to get rid of the feelings inside, anything at all to numb it, to finally sleep, to bury the memories that haunt you, and it does work, for a while. Sometimes, when you're high, you feel as if you're unstoppable, and you forget who you are and what's happened in your life and you feel happy. Just for a moment, before you sleep, but you're reminded and it sickens you.' Reid looked up then, bit his lip and continued. 'He did seem over interested in me, he would treat me nicely, not like the other dealers, he would want to get high with me and I'd refuse, but one night i didn't have the money, I'd left it at home, and... and i thought that if i went back without the diladuid I'd kill myself. So i had too.' Reid buried his face in his hands then, his body shaking.
'Reid, what did you do?' Hotch asked softly, using the voice he often used with Jack when he was distressed.
'I gave him my body.' Reid said quietly, almost inaudibly, if the police station had been busier, then you would've missed it all-together, the way Reids voice cracked as he said it, the shame pouring out of every pore in his body, the shaking as he remembered things he didn't want to remember.
Hotch and Rossi looked at each other, sadness etched in Rossi's eyes. 'Its ok,' Hotch said, placing his hand on Reids back. Reid, looked up and Hotch had never seen him look so.. torn.
At this point, as Hotch moved away from Reid, Morgan and Emily, along with JJ who had been talking to the media which gathered outside, re-entered the room.
'I think we should go back to the hotel, and come back with fresh eyes and minds for the morning. Get some rest, this'll be a long case.' Hotch said, and walked out of the room, followed by Rossi.