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Committed—Part Two

There were moments in the three weeks since Izzy's death when Cristina tried to talk to her best friend. Emboldened by a lull in their mutual grief or a tiny step forward in George's convalescence, she would approach Meredith and start to speak. Then reality would intervene. Another trauma, another procedure—another life, another death would force her to turn away. Cristina was not naturally sentimental but the repeated reminders of mortality made her acutely aware of how little time she had actually spent with Meredith in recent months. She was determined to reconnect. Izzy, George and especially Owen had taught her life was just too short to keep silent.

Unfortunately the timing of the next opportunity for a conversation could not have been worse. Meredith waylaid Cristina on her way out of the locker room. Derek was going to Joe's for a quiet drink alone and she wondered if tonight would be a good chance to catch up. The implication that Meredith felt equally disconnected was comforting. In hindsight, Cristina realized that her friend's too bright smile should have been a clue that something was amiss. She had been too distracted to notice.

After a morning of minor procedures, Cristina had spent the afternoon with Bailey in surgery. The incident in the Pit was on everyone's lips when she emerged from the O.R. Cristina was instantly concerned. Regular sessions with Wyatt coupled with medication had done wonders to stabilize Owen's emotions. The outburst in the trauma center proved how vulnerable he still was however. Triggers could be anywhere. Cristina wanted to be available if he wished to talk about it. Torn by guilt, she reluctantly opened her mouth to decline Meredith's offer. Something inexplicable changed her mind. She agreed to take-out Thai food and a bottle of wine, and promised herself to call Owen before it got too late. Two hours later, she would regret not heeding her first impulse.

Meredith Grey walked into Cristina's kitchen and dropped the Thai food on the table. She did not even take off her coat before exploding. "Three weeks! When were you going to tell me that you were seeing him again? Half the hospital is talking about the two of you kissing on the bridge the day Izzy died. Not once but twice! When were you going to let me in on this little secret? Before or after he tried to kill you again?"

"What?"

"Hands around your neck? You haven't forgotten that have you? Or how about the day he threw you across the hallway and you told me it was an accident? When are you going to open your eyes?" She spun away and stopped. Mouth slightly agape, she raised a finger and pointed at a man's dress shirt draped across the back of a chair. "His?"

Cristina folded her arms. "Yes."

"He's living here now?"

"No." At least not officially, Cristina added silently. Callie had yet to clear all of her stuff out of the apartment. Owen refused to give up his lease until he could move into the second bedroom. They were in love and thought that they could cohabitate as a plausible step forward. But neither of them was crazy enough to believe that they could share a bedroom at this stage of his recovery. Cristina drew a calming breath and tried to remember Meredith's interrogation was prompted by good intentions.

Meredith scowled, clearly skeptical. "The day Izzy died you asked me if I was better after seeing Wyatt. You thought she was a horrible doctor but you wanted to know. That wasn't about me, about our friendship or my relationship with Derek. That was about Owen, wasn't it?"

"Yes."

"I can't believe you…"

"Look!" Cristina snapped. "I'm not good at this stuff. All of this personal crap makes my head hurt. I couldn't just come right out and ask you whether Wyatt could actually help Owen." Cristina pulled two plates from the cupboard and set them on the table. "I knew you wouldn't understand."

"He tried to kill you! Now a few weeks in therapy and a handful of drugs and you're back with him? You're right, I don't understand!"

"He's not sleeping in my bed."

"Cristina!"

"No." Cristina placed both hands on the table and closed her eyes. She could not bear the accusations, not after everything she had gone through with Owen and now Izzy. Meredith's grief and anger did not give her license to pass sentence on Owen. In this moment Cristina hated her new found sensitivity. Hated—and loved—Owen for drawing out what was ultimately the better part of her. "This has to stop now," she whispered, slowly looking up into Meredith's worried face. "Today, right now, this has to stop."

"I'm worried about you."

"I know but I can't let you decide what's best for me anymore than I can decide what's best for you." Cristina sank into a chair. "I told you months ago that I thought it was a bad idea for you and Derek to move in together. You did it anyway and it turned out to be a good thing."

"Derek didn't tell one of our closest friends to join the army!"

"Meredith, Owen did not tell George to join the army and he didn't throw him under that damn bus!" Cristina wrenched the cloth band from her hair and wrapped it around her restless fingers. "He feels awful about what happened. Guilty because if George hadn't enlisted he would have been in surgery with the Chief and not standing on a corner next to Amanda."

Meredith crossed the kitchen to grab some utensils from a drawer. "Owen was George's mentor," she mumbled as she returned to the table and popped open the take-out containers. "He could have told George anything when they worked together. You don't know…"

"Owen was a soldier and he deserves respect for what he did over there. Even Derek thinks so." Cristina spooned some noodles and spicy vegetables onto her plate. She remembered being surprised and secretly pleased when Owen told her what Derek had said during George's surgery. "He was proud that George joined the service because he believes in the work being done over there, despite what happened to him."

"So he's proud." Meredith spat, slumping into a chair. "He's also dangerous."

Cristina rested her arms on the table. "I can't change your mind about Owen and I'm sick of trying. All I can tell you is that this feels right…right like nothing else ever has."

"You thought you felt that way about Burke, remember?"

Cristina grimaced. "Owen is nothing like Burke." She picked up her fork and stabbed a bite of carrots and shoots. "Owen asked me to meet him halfway and that's what I'm going to do." She popped the vegetables into her mouth and did not look away from Meredith's incredulous stare.

"Cristina, why are you so willing to take a chance with him?"

"Why did you hang around when Derek was seeing Rose last year? Why did you go back out to the woods even after he batted your ring into the trees? The real reason not…" Cristina swallowed hard. "Not because Izzy had a brain tumor."

"You know why."

"Just say it would you!"

"Because I love Derek."

Cristina took another bite of vegetables.

"You love him?"

Cristina stood up to rummage in a drawer for a corkscrew. Finding it, she turned back and addressed the wine bottle with the hint of a smile playing on her lips.

"You told Owen you love him? To his face?"

She pulled the cork free with a triumphant little grunt. "Yes."

"I can't believe you didn't tell me this…"

"Why?" Cristina tossed the corkscrew into the sink and poured them both a glass of wine. "I didn't tell you that he considered reenlisting because he didn't know how he could possibly fit in here after what happened between us. And I didn't tell you that I went with him to see his mother the night before Izzy died either." Cristina sat down and picked up a glass. She studied the play of the kitchen light in the pale blush for several seconds before looking up. "Meredith, I'm not the same person I was the day Burke walked out. I'm stronger and maybe…maybe a little more open."

"You hugged me."

She smirked. "I think that's a good thing and do you know why it happened?"

"Owen?"

"Yes." Cristina took a sip of wine and set the glass aside. "You need to give him the benefit of the doubt. He's not going anywhere and if he did decide that Seattle isn't the right place for him anymore, I might just follow him."

"You're that committed to this relationship?"

"I'm committed to supporting Owen, not to being his crutch or punching bag. You should know me better than that." A sigh seeped out of her pursed lips. "Stepping back nearly killed both of us but it had to be until he made the choice to stop running from his problems and face them. I won't let him fall and he won't let me fall either."

"And you're sure about that?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because no matter how screwed up he's been these last months, he's always tried to listen. Even when I didn't want him to." Cristina shook her head, mildly amazed at the simple truth.

"Well you're either committed or committable," Meredith griped.

Cristina rolled her eyes. "You might not be the best person to judge."

"What do you mean?"

"A post-it wedding?" Cristina chased down another bite of food with a drink of wine. "Did you think I gave you the notes and my favorite pen, which you still have by the way, so you could write your vows and stick them in the back of a locker?"

"You knew I didn't want anything fancy. That was Izzy's day…It always was."

Cristina's insides clenched in empathy to the tears standing in Meredith's eyes. The two of them sat in silence for a long time until Meredith broke it with a nervous laugh.

"Derek and I are married enough for us."

"It's not even legal, Mer. At least make it legal so any little Shepherd spawn running around with perfect hair will know what name to put on their school notebooks."

"Cristina…"

"I'm serious!" The vehemence of her reaction brought Cristina up short. She sucked in a steadying breath. "Get the papers signed and stand up in front of someone, even if it's just the clerk at city hall. Until you do that Mer, you haven't really committed to Derek Shepherd."

Meredith picked up her glass and swirled the wine around. Her eyes softened and her lips pulled into a pensive frown as the seconds ticked to minutes. Cristina watched in silence, intimately familiar with the urge to run away from the one thing they both craved in their lives.

"I don't want some anonymous clerk," Meredith whispered. "If I'm going to do this then I want you to be there. I want to do it right."

Cristina smiled. "Then I have an idea."

To be continued…