Chapter 1
A Ruined Life
Sometimes, my emotions take over.
"You bloody god-forsaken prat!"
So, maybe I could have waited another moment or two after the prefects left to turn on him. I guess I didn't have to start yelling the moment the door closed. Hindsight, right? But regardless of stupidity, it still gives me a little tingle of pleasure, right at the base of my neck, to see him jump. I'm sick, I really am. Sick of James Potter being perfect.
"Lily, what are you talking about? I thought the meeting went well." He looks so innocent. Yeah, I'll believe that when I see it. Well, I guess I am seeing it. Maybe I'll believe it when... oh, I don't know, never?
"I can't believe you!"
Here's the deal. I don't really hate him. Really. Everyone seems to believe that to be the case. So what if I often called him a toe rag? That doesn't equal out to hate.
Well, I guess I can see how one might easily believe that given the circumstances. And not everyone sees it that way. I know I just said they do, but I tend to exaggerate. Hey, even Sev thought there might―never mind.
"I thought we'd been getting on pretty well, Lily. I don't understand why you're mad at me."
"Because you're ruining my life!"
He crosses his arms, irritated. I can see him fighting it, trying to remain calm. He never was very good at hiding things. "Now, wait just a moment there. How am I ruining your life?"
"By existing!" I take a moment to breathe a little, trying to compose myself and to keep from blowing little chucks of Lily all over the walls in the explosion. I look up at James with his helplessly bewildered expression, looking at me as if hethinks I really am going to explode. "I can't do this." I spin on my heels and storm out of the prefect compartment. But James is right behind me, angrily murmuring something about goldfish, whatever that means.
"Hold on!" I feel a hard yank on my shoulder, spinning me to face the opposite direction. "I think I at least deserve to know what in Merlin's name is going on here."
"Don't touch me!" I pull away from him. A few younger students are starting to emerge from their compartments to see what's going on. James grabs my wrist and forcibly pulls me back into the prefect compartment. He practically throws me in as he slams the door shut behind him.
"What is wrong with you, Evans? Were you dropped on your head as a child?"
"I was not! ... I don't think."
"Why are you mad at me? I'll readily admit I have at times been the world's biggest prat. But setting out to ruin your life is not one of my many mistakes. Can you honestly look me in the eye and say one reason you're so upset at me being appointed Head Boy?"
"Yes! I can think of several."
He's standing there, arms crossed, eyebrows raised, staring at me.
"Can I get back to you tomorrow?"
"Blimey, Evans!" James throws his arms up in exasperation. He turns toward the door again. "I don't have to deal with this. Get back to me when you happen to have recovered your sanity."
I turn away so that I don't have to look at him walking away as I scream out in frustration. It makes me feel better at least. I've worked so hard to achieve this, and what did he do? Smiled that charming smile of his, cracked a few jokes, and everyone loves him. If he just had to work at something for once, I'd be much more inclined to be a bit more courteous. But he doesn't have to work for anything, ever! Stupid rich wizards with their impeccable blood line and unending charm. Stupid brilliant brain of his. Stupid sexy hair and maddening good looks.
The train gives a heavy lurch, causing us to sway on the spot. Stupid arguments on stupid trains.
"What is it, Lily?" I can hear that he's pausing at the door, his voice bouncing off the glass. I can picture him there, his hand immobile on the door handle, his face changing as he turns back around. I close me eyes as I listen to his pleading voice, half sick with myself. "Just tell me, and we'll see if we can't do something about it. We're stuck with each other for the next year, so let's make the best of it." Stupid rational James.
I spin around to face him. "You want to know why I'm mad at you? Because you've taken everything I've worked toward for the past six years."
"I haven't taken anything from you!" His exasperation is breaking through. "In case you haven't noticed, you have a badge, too."
"But I had to work for mine!"
Recognition washes over him. I wish I could slap that pitying look off his face. I don't need his tainted compassion. And I don't want this silence.
His voice is quiet when he speaks again. "Is that what this is about?" I cross my arms as he sighs, turning away again so that I don't have to look at his face. "Look, I know that I've had a lot of things I don't deserve come to me. I'll be the first to admit that I didn't deserve any of them. But we're here. And as daft as Dumbledore must have been to give me the badge, I'm very proud to wear it. This is important to me, just like it's important to you. I want to work with you on this, not fight against you."
I really shouldn't be putting this all on him, I suppose. It's really not his fault he's so perfect.
"I can't talk to you right now." I turn to walk out the door.
"Bloody hell, Evans!" He screams it out just as I'm trying to edge past him and escape out the door. "What is wrong with you?"
Plenty. I really don't know what makes me this way. Believe me, I'd like to not have a temper, or pride. Life would be so much easier, I can tell you that. But I just can't seem to help it.
He grabs my arm again. Instead of yelling at him to let go, I look at his eyes. Anger, more at myself now, at the world now, than at him, pulses through me. Like drum beats on my body I feel it pulsing. This close, his eyes draw me, whirlpools today, color like the sun glinting off a green ocean. I grit my teeth and look away. He lets go, and I leave.
I need to find some solace. I can feel my blood still, coming to a boil beneath my skin. The corridor becomes more like a tunnel the farther down I go, the more compartments I look into; compartment after compartment, full of laughing, happy faces. How far down the train did they go?
The train lurches again. This time it's enough to knock me into the wall. "Stupid trains." But the door I'm knocked into happens to hold some friendly faces behind it.
Finally, sanctuary.
I slam the door to the compartment. Two faces turn in shock toward me. "What happened to you?" Meredith backs away slightly as I throw myself onto the seat beside her.
"James Potter and his absolute, fabulous idiocy happened to me." I turn to look at her mocking face. "Sorry, Meredith, for your less debased opinion of him."
She laughs out loud at that. "Just because our mothers are friends doesn't mean you can't have a different opinion. But it's not like your opinions matter much when you're angry, anyway."
"Thanks, Meredith, for your understanding nature."
"No problem." She pulls her pompous little French magazine back up to her face. Okay, so I'm not the nicest person when I'm angry. I'm also completely stupid. I honestly do know that Meredith is the sweetest, kindest little Hufflepuff that ever existed. That knowledge just doesn't always make it to my mouth when I'm snapping at everyone that walks by.
Sara's trying not to laugh, I can see it all over her face, burying her eyes in whatever reading material she happened to get out of her trunk in case no one joined her compartment this year. She's so irritatingly passive. Okay, so it's only irritating when I'm being irritating.
I try to take a deep breath to calm down.
"Need some relaxing, Lily?" Sara looks over at me, twilight eyes staring out from underneath her black hair, voice an oddly delightful fusion of accents―these being from her English dad and very southern state-side mom and the correspondingly international family time. Why does she get to be so unique and mysterious?
"Yes." I thought she'd never ask.
I jump down on the floor in front of Sara. She has these amazing hippy powers she picks up from visiting her state-side family. Well, really she just teaches me to relax with breathing techniques and gives me massages. But my embellished version is better.
The door slams open again. "Are you really not going to let me in on this, Evans?"
"That was the plan." I close my eyes and try to ignore James practically burning in fury.
"Hello, James."
"Hey, Meredith." His entire demeanor changes in a flash as he sits down beside her. "Savez-vous pourquoi elle est comme ca?" They're speaking French again! The rest of us aren't all bilingual, thank you very much. Honestly, can't everyone just stop rubbing their brilliance in my face today?
"Non, je suis desole. Nous ne pouvins pas comprendre."
Stop it! Just stop it.
"Honestly, Lily. We're not going to get anywhere if you don't at least try to loosen up." I can feel Sara's hands pause on a particularly painful spot on my shoulder.
"Sorry." I crack one eye open at James and Meredith and their bilingual whispers. "It would help if certain prats would leave the compartment."
"Honestly!" James throws his arms open in exasperation and then crosses them as he settles back into his seat. "Not until you tell me why you've turned into a wild tiger about to claw my eyes out."
"Turned into?" Sara and Meredith ask together. I send glares at Meredith. Sara's off the hook for the moment as she's behind me, which makes glaring decidedly more difficult.
"Sorry." Meredith puts a hand up in defeat and goes back to her magazine. Sara just laughs. She better be glad she and her mysterious hyppie powers are indispensable.
"I've told you, Potter, I'm not talking to you." I close my eyes and try to concentrate on the breathing Sara taught me.
"You should hold the breath a little longer before exhaling. I think the point might be to slow the breathing a bit."
"Shut UP, James!"
"Just trying to help."
"You can help by leaving!"
"Sorry, that's not possible."
"Not possible because you're being childish!"
"I'm not the one yelling."
"So help me I―"
Just then the door slams open again.
"James, we've been―Meredith! Bonjour, mon amie!" I will kill you, Sirius.
"I swear to everything alive, if one more person speaks French, I will dock twenty points!"
I can feel everyone staring at me. I'm trying so hard to keep my eyes closed and to keep breathing.
"Lily, love, did you swallow an angry pill again today?"
Sara tries in vain to hold me down as I jump up from the floor at Sirius. The prat jumps back into the doorway where Remus was formerly trying to stand. James jumps up to hold me back, being more capable of doing so than Sara.
They all stare at each other as I drill holes into Sirius's perfect face with my eyes.
"I think we might need to give James and Lily a little room." Meredith urges everyone out the door.
"I think that might be a good idea." Sirius backs away slowly, refusing to turn his back to me.
James holds me in place until everyone has cleared the area. As I watch them all head further down the corridor, I feel some of the anger seeping away with them. James lets go of me and I fall back into the seat. I keep trying to breathe.
James is silent for a while, staring out the window from where he stands. I stare at the wall. In and out, slowly. And the silence stretches.
"Just tell me, Lily. Why do you hate me so much?" His face is downcast toward the floor, his voice soft and low.
I sigh. "I don't hate you, James."
"Yeah, that's believable right now."
I take a breath and look at him, somehow, regaining some semblance of calm. "I just don't like you very much right now."
"Oh, that makes me feel so much better." He begins to pout, crossing his arms and looking out the window again.
"It doesn't have anything to do with you, really. Well, I guess it does. But only that you're too good at everything." I can hear the words spilling out of my mouth without much control of them. It's like a broken dam. Once the leak starts it's all downhill from there. "I've worked so hard for everything. Then you come around behind me and work for nothing and you get it all, too. You're too brilliant at life, and it makes me so mad and so jealous. Not to mention that you're entirely set for the rest of your life, never have to worry about anything. And the reason I don't like you right now, it does have to do with you a bit, but it's more that you're Mr. Perfect. And I'm such a horrible person that can't just be happy for you, I have to try to ruin your life." My voice is starting to crack. "I shouldn't be taking anything out on you, I know. Just because you're perfect and my life is falling apart, it isn't your fault. Just because everyone has left. Those moronic, foul Death Eaters, they ruin everything."
He's staring at me in shock. "Merlin. Are you crying?"
What? I reach up and touch my cheek. My fingers come back wet. "Bloody hell." Can't anything go right in my life? I storm out of the compartment , trying to be fast enough for James not to follow me. I could just calm down if he'd go away. Maybe.
He shouts after me down the corridor, his voice growing fainter as I flee far, far away. Not that it's going to be that far on a train. Stupid trains. I try to hurry while the train moves and jerks across a bridge, nothing out the window but misty, drizzling rain that blurs your vision like a broken television, the ground far fallen beneath us.
Sirius pokes his head out the compartment door just as I hurry past it. Thank everything alive the next compartment down is empty. I slam the door in their faces as he and the rest of them try to follow me. I lock it with a quick spell and fall down to the floor against it, trying to breathe evenly with the angry tears spilling down my face. I can feel the stinging now, hard heat in the corners of my eyes.
The whispers are just outside the door.
"Was she crying? I don't think I've ever seen her cry."
"Not even I've ever seen her cry."
"It happens. She usually hides it well enough."
"What did you do, Prongs?"
"Nothing! I swear! She just started ranting and then she was crying and I was in shock and then she just ran out―"
"It's okay, James, we know you didn't do it."
"Of course he did."
"Shut up, Black. Come on."
"Hey! Don't grab my shirt, it's new. Where are we going?"
"We need to see Snape."
"If you think―"
The voices finally fade as they walk on down the hall. I crawl up into the seat, trying to will myself to stop crying. I'm so tired. I'm tired of living this way. I barely even feel myself falling asleep, lulled by the rocking movement of the train.
Petunia and her new, somewhat vile boyfriend are loading her car. The sunlight bearing down on our small garden is bright to the point of painful. I can feel the pressure in my lungs from the heat, and the hurt.
"Tuney, I don't understand. Why?"
Petunia throws a suitcase into her back seat with a typically unknown force and spins around to face me. "Stop calling me that, Lily. And I've already told you. You decided on this crackpot life of yours. You made your choice, I made mine. I don't want this insanity in my life. Not anymore."
Please, Petunia, don't do this." I stare down at the browning grass.
"I'm not the one who decided to be a freak. I can't do―" Petunia drops her sentence and looks over to the road. Sev is standing there, hunched over and unsure. I look over to see Petunia's furious face. She turns and throws another suitcase into her back seat.
"Tuney―Okay, okay, Petunia –don't do this because of Sev. We'e not even friends anymore."
"Lily―" Sev's voice calls out to me. I can hear the pleading in it even as I close my eyes to it.
"Shut up, Sev."
"Like I'm going to believe that. The two of you have been practically the same person since we were kids."
"Did you miss last summer, Petunia?"
"Don't get smart with me, witch." Petunia whispers it like the word itself is venom dripping from her mouth. She glances over at the large man on the other side of the car as he tries to shove a lamp in behind the passenger seat, completely ignoring our argument.
"What, Tuney," I can feel venom falling into my own tone, "Haven't told you little boyfriend about me yet? What have you told him? Did he even know I existed before today?"
"Well, honestly, she can't tell him, Lily."
"Shut up!" Petunia and I screech at Sev in unison. I look at her hopefully, trying to smile. But her furious face is turned back to me.
"Listen, Tuney―"
"This conversation is over." Her eyes are hard and cold, and I feel my veins turn to ice from the infection of their glare.
"Petunia, dear, we need to get going." The boyfriend is standing by the driver's side of Petunia's car.
"Of course, Vernon dear."
She turns and gets into the passenger seat of her own car, resolutely refusing to look me in the face. I want to say something else, come up with some other brilliant response to get her to stop, or just even look at like she used to do, like my existence means anything at all. But words fall short in my throat. My eyes follow the car as it turns out of the drive. When it passes by Sev, my eyes rest on him.
"Lily, I just want to talk to you." I turn away from the desperate face and imploring voice. "I told you I was sorry a million times." I can hear the gate open as he enters the garden to come after me. "I miss you. I'm so sorry for what I did. I don't know what I was thinking."
The sky has turned instantly into steel and the air itself now seems heavier and my heart breaks under the pressure. "That's just it, Sev. It wasn't just that. I'd just had enough of your―"
I turn around to find him gone, vanished. The air where he's supposed to be is darker, like the light is being sucked in through a hole in the world where Sev was just standing, trying to get me to forgive him.
They're both gone.
A sadness washes over me instantly, like the steel gray that c overs the sky as it grows darker by the moment. And then hopelessness sinks into my chest. I turn back to the house, desperate to get back inside to my parents. But the house has disappeared. I'm now standing in an empty field, alone. The two people that represent my two worlds have now vanished, and I'm left with nothing.
Night has fallen out my window. There's a soft knocking on the door as I open my eyes, still shaking slightly from the heartache.
"Lily, we're about to come into Hogsmeade. You need to get up, sweetie." I can hear Sara's soft voice outside my door. I'm so glad she's here now.
I jump up and yank open the door. "Thank―" James is beside her. "Are you kidding me?"
"I'm sorry, Lily. But you are going to have to supervise the unloading with him." I rarely see Sara anything but completely tranquil and poised. Bot now, she almost seems anxious.
"Right." I take a breath. "Right." I turn away from James's blank silence and Sara's anxiousness to grab the school robes I was using as a pillow, hitting them with a quick anti-wrinkle charm before throwing them over me. "Alright, let's go."
I walk away from Sara, James following me.
"Lily―"
"I don't want to talk about anything right now, James. I just want to get this job done."
"Wait." He grabs my arm and spins me around, again. But instead of saying anything moronic, he passes a wave over my face with his wand. I didn't realize how puffy my face had felt until it was returned to normal.
Looking into his eyes, I see them change, moss-covered forest floors. There is compassion there, and, for once, I accept it. "Thank you."
"No problem." I've rarely seen his face so quiet.
The train begins to slow down, jostling us so that we break eye contact. My eyes stay on the floor until the train comes to a stop. Then, we walk out silently into the night.
Author's Note:
I know for the three of you that saw the note on the old story, I said I'd have this up two days ago. It turns out puts a lock on new accounts. So, I'm putting it up with a second chapter ready. As always, feedback in incredibly appreciated.