Ok, so half way reading this I realized that it's a piece of crap, so I'm sorry of inflicting it on you.
The story was for a contest and no wonder I didn't come close to winning. But I think that I had a good idea, problem was with the execution, and a major problem was that I was restricted to a number of words, and I think the story suffered because of it. If I had taken a bit more time to tighten it (time which I didn't really have, seeing as I had to submit it on a certain date) and if I had a bit more space for the story, I think it would have come out better. But alas, the biggest problem was that I didn't know how to properly write my idea and how to present it.
This is why I never read my stories again after I submit them. I realize they're garbage.
I'm not going to rewrite it, or I'm not going to rewrite it now, but I'll try to do better next time. And there will be a next time.
See ya.