Return to Nerima

Chapter 2:

The Gathering of the Fiancées

Ranma Saotome glanced over his shoulder again and breathed a heartily felt sigh of relief. It appeared that he had finally managed to lose his fiancée or as everyone else called her, the gun toting triggerhappy maniac (although no one was crazy enough to say it to her face). Of all of the women he was engaged to both past and present, she was the scariest. Well, in the top five at least. Aside from the incredible lethality of her weapons, her accuracy with them was just unbelievable.

He knew that his father would have scoffed at the idea but Ranma had developed a healthy degree of respect for guns. It was the people wielding them that Ranma felt disdain. A gun was a tool, a weapon but it had no heart, no soul. It was a cheat.

A sword, a knife, a spear, or even a bow took skill to wield properly. In the old days, using weapons required great discipline and took years to perfect one's skills in them. The samurai had elevated this to the point where they believed that their very spirit, their very soul was a part of their weapon. Even those who didn't believe in such things developed a great attachment to their personal weapons. Some of the most famous weapons even bore their own names and were honored in history and myth.

But not anymore.

How could you honor a gun that required no real muscle or skill to use? All it took was a twitch of a finger and you could blow someone away. It made killing easy. Too easy, in Ranma's opinion. There was something almost abstract, even removed from such a device. It … cheapened human lives. They made it so easy to kill. And when you can kill with so little effort, then how much value can life possess?

It took martial artists years to develop their skills to the point where they could kill with their bare hands. And by that point, they learned how not to kill as well. But these days, any idiot could walk into some store and purchase a weapon capable of killing someone in an instant. They didn't require training or anything like that. Point and pull the trigger. Simple. Too simple, actually. But no matter how much he disliked guns and those idiots who used them, he knew that guns were not about to disappear anytime soon.

So instead Ranma had decided that like the tenets of his school proclaimed … or so his worthless father had loftily stated, he would have to improvise, adapt, and overcome (although he was pretty sure that his old man had stolen those tenets too).

However most of his tactics involved dodging the bullets until they ran out and then rapidly closing the distance and incapacitating the gun and then the wielder.

His fiancée however was no idiot and unlike the majority of such gun wielders, she had spent years of study in mastering her own style of "Gun Fu" (as he called it) and had elevated her skill with firearms to where trying to close the distance in order to incapacitate her was nigh impossible.

He had seen her deflect bullets with her own projectiles, hit targets through the use of angled ricochets, and perform other seemingly impossible feats with them. Not to mention that she was no slouch when it came to close distance attacks either which was usually a weakness when dealing with a gunfighter as most weren't used to fighting in close proximity.

His stomach suddenly rumbled. He patted it fondly, "OK, OK."

He sniffed the air, scenting food being cooked. He brightened and licked his lips. Time to eat!

Kasumi beamed as she handed the numerous letters to the postman. So many of Ranma's friends would be coming to the Welcome Back Party! He would be so happy to see so many of them!

She only wished that she could tell Akane as well. She would be so surprised to see Ranma again! But Father and Mister Saotome had been adamant about not telling the currently absent youngest Tendo girl about Ranma's impending arrival.

"Don't do that! I mean … err … why spoil the surprise?" Mister Saotome had blurted out. He looked awfully flushed though. Maybe she should get something cold for him to drink. After all, he had to losing a lot of water perspiring like that… Kasumi thought to herself as she reentered the house and gave the entryway a quick but expert examination for any dirt or anything that needed to be straightened up or put away. She had to admit that ever since Ranma had left Nerima, she wasn't so busy cleaning up.

And Father needed to rehydrate himself as well, Kasumi considered as she briskly crossed into the kitchen and began assembling a tray of drinks for the two men. After all he kept bursting into tears of joy all the time. He was so happy ever since Nabiki had told him about Ranma coming back.

Of course, Nabiki did charge him and Mister Saotome for the information but Kasumi decided not to bring that subject up. Again. She really did hope that Nabiki would grow out of her avaricious habits soon though.

It would be so nice to see Ranma again! Everyone was looking forward to it!

"DAMN YOU SAOTOME!" Mousse shouted as he frantically packed the latest hastily purchased additions to his arsenal in his robes. Once Nabiki had told him of Saotome's return, he had immediately went out to buy several new weapons … well, with what was left from the exorbitant amount she had forced him to pay for her information. He hefted a scimitar, checking the balance and then the sharpness of the edge. And he was so looking forward to breaking them in. By breaking a loud mouthed pigtailed philandering wretch. "You womanizing Casanova!" he snarled. "This time! This time I'll kill you for sure!" he cackled madly.

THAWK!

A solid wooden staff introduced itself to his head. Cologne snorted as she retracted her cane as the blind boy fell to his knees, clutching his head in pain. Why do I bother? It wasn't as though the idiot even used that part of his body. Like all members of his sex, he thought with the 'little head' instead of the other one, Cologne snorted. "Keep it down Duck Boy. I'm trying to watch my soaps," she said and returned her attention to the television set. Koreans were thieves and charlatans, she thought to herself, but they do make some damn fine soap operas…

Mousse glared at the shriveled up mummy but didn't dare do anything else. For one thing, his beloved Shampoo wouldn't take too kindly if she learned that he had attacked her great-grandmother. And more importantly Cologne could kick his ass with one hand tied behind her back, blindfolded, and dead drunk. So he patiently waited until the commercial came on and cleared his throat. "Hey Granny…"

Cologne sipped her tea, her eyes still glued to the television screen.

"I was wondering…"

Cologne took a gnarled finger and wiggled it around her ear.

Mousse scowled, "Are you listening to me?" he demanded.

Cologne yawned loudly and flicked a piece of imaginary lint from the sleeve of her garment.

Mousse ground his teeth together frustrated. The commercial would be ending soon, he noted and gave up. "Oh … Honored Elder…" he groveled, resisting the urge to choke.

Cologne slowly turned her head to gaze at him and raised an eyebrow and cocked her head. "Yeeesss?"

"Have you heard anything from your great-granddaughter?" he asked.

"From Shampoo?" Cologne remarked calmly. "Well I…" suddenly a familiar music jingle came from the television set and her head snapped around as her soap opera came back on.

"HEY!" Mousse blurted out.

"Shhh!" Cologne hissed.

"But—" Mousse snarled and stepped forward. He didn't see the staff blur. He sure felt it though.

THWAK! WHAM!

Cologne scowled as dust came floating downward. "You're going to be fixing that you know," she said glancing at the boy who was stuck head first into the ceiling, his body dangling limply in midair and spasmodically twitched. Oh darn. He was unconscious, Cologne realized. Put a little too much oomph into that one. Oh well, at least this meant this episode wouldn't be disturbed by the noisy boy. I swear the only reason why I tolerate this idiot is that he works cheap. Then she frowned and scratched her cheek. I do pay him right? Then she dismissed the thought as unimportant and turned back to her soap opera. Never come between an Amazon and her soaps, she thought grimly.

But her mind wasn't on her favorite program. But on a certain pigtailed martial artist.

Shortly after the Battle of Jusenkyo against Saffron, a new fiancée had made her appearance. This was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back.

Akane had a screaming hissy fit and kicked Ranma out of the Tendo home. Many assumed that Ranma would come back. After a few days to give his most volatile fiancée a chance to cool off a bit. He always had before.

The days turned into a week. The week into two. Then three.

The entire district was on edge, sensing that they were sitting on a huge power keg and the hissing fuse was running out. The only question wasn't IF there would be an explosion … the question was WHEN.

It was like watching someone remove the key support pillar of a building. Slowly, the building began to tremble and sway and finally collapse upon itself. Nerima hadn't been aware of it but that support pillar had been Ranma Saotome. Oh people blamed him, cursed him, accused him of all sorts of things but he had been the one shouldering the load like a modern day Atlas, fighting to keep the whole building from falling over.

Cologne had watched with no minor interest as the detonations began. It first started with the Kunos. Naturally enough.

Akane had found herself attacked by Kodachi for "driving away her beloved Ranma-sama," while Kuno got in the way and was trying to "defend his Beloved Tigress from his Demented Sibling". Or something like that. She tried not pay too much attention whenever the Kunos started talking.

She was old and she needed all of her functioning brain cells. She could actually feel them start to wither and die screaming whenever one of fools started flapping their mouths. It also pointedly reminded her of one of the most important tenets of the Joketsuzoku's Marriage Laws was to bring in new strength and new blood. It was how their culture and race had survived for so many generations. If she ever had to give an example of the dangers of inbreeding, she suspected that the Kunos would be 'Exhibit A'.

Somehow, somewhere during the fight, Kuno started splitting his attention between attacking his sister and attacking Akane in some attempt to defeat her and claim her for himself. Very Amazonian, Cologne reflected. Kodachi herself got interrupted by Ukyo Kuonji who took exception to the fact that the insane gymnast thought that Akane was Ranma's only fiancée who counted and launched her own furious assault.

Naturally the brouhaha attracted the attention of the other Nerimans, a term that Cologne had come up which meant, "incapable of using any sort of logic and sanity and reason when the proper application of violence can be used instead" which unfortunately included her great-granddaughter as well.

As it was, by the time the whole thing had winded down, the entire district was in practically ruins.

Afterwards, Ranma's various fiancées sank into a deep depression while his various rivals held celebrations rejoicing the end of the pigtailed womanizer. Well, the Kuno boy celebrated his vanquishing the foul sorcerer alternating with mourning the disappearance of his pigtailed Goddess. According to Nabiki Tendo, the man spent the entire time going back and forth between laughing and toasting the end of the foul sorcerer before he would start weeping and sobbing over the disappearance of his pigtailed Goddess and so on and so forth. She reflected that the Kunos might need an entire alphabet for proper classification.

Ukyo was merely the first to disappear. Cologne noted that the okonomiyaki chef had quietly dropped out of Furinkan and closed up her shop and took off to hunt down her wayward fiancée.

It was nearly a week before Shampoo realized that Ukyo had departed and panicked. Immediately discerning Ukyo's intentions, her great-granddaughter took off on her own.

Mousse tried to chase after her of course. The adjective being tried. Cologne got a phone call from the hospital that indicated that they had found the blind idiot stuffed into a garbage bin with multiple fractures to his arms and legs like someone had taken a large blunt object to them. Say like a great big mace. And had applied said mace vigorously to them. Repeatedly.

It had taken several months for the blind idiot to heal enough to leave the hospital. Erect anyways. His first attempt to escape hadn't gone so well. The nurses managed to quickly catch up to their reluctant patient. After all, the rolling bed that the idiot had been pushing with a broom wasn't all that fast. Or easy to miss.

By the time, he managed to recuperate sufficiently to depart the clutches of the doctors and nurses, Shampoo's trail had long gone cold. After a few months of fruitless searching, he was forced to give up and return to the Cat Café, hoping that Shampoo would eventually come back. That or Cologne would drop a hint of her great-granddaughter's location.

She had to admit that he was persistent … or just plain stupid. With males, it was hard to tell which of those qualities were more predominant.

So far though, Shampoo was still searching. She even had a few run ins with Ukyo as well but neither girl had much luck locating the pigtailed martial artist.

Nerima had slowly rebuilt itself afterwards. But there was something was still missing. Something it had lost. An energy, a vitality. Most of the others began to slowly drift away from Nerima afterwards.

Cologne had remained tied to the Nekohanten however. She was much too old to go on a husband pursuit as she informed Shampoo and promised to keep an eye on the Saotomes and the Tendos for any information regarding Ranma. She gave both families a discount for their meals which meant that they tended to order from the Nekohanten despite their past history with the Amazons.

It was such a pity that Shampoo had failed to acquire her groom. Such a shame that she was forced to come here to Japan and required to cope with such newfangled things like indoor plumbing and electricity. Yes, such a pity that she was forced to while away her few remaining years with such things as air conditioning, hot water, and cable television. Not to mention she didn't have to go out and hunt for her food ever single day. Such a pity… she thought to herself.

And now Ranma Saotome was coming back.

And here we go again, Cologne shook her head ruefully. A five year uneasy balance was about destabilized. Again. She wondered if she should pick up that extra insurance that salesman had offered. On second thought, she reached into her robes and extracted a brochure and unfolded it. I wonder how much I could get… she reflected as she studied it thoughtfully.

The huge mass of black and white fur closed the gate to the Tendo Dojo and began skipping down the street cheerfully. Genma Saotome was pleased. That ungrateful boy was finally coming back and then he could finally marry Akane and the Schools would finally be united! It passed by a pair of women and raised a wooden sign, Hello There!

Long time residents of Nerima, they weren't fazed at all at the sight of a huge panda trotting around on it's hind legs much less whipping out signs out of thin air to communicate. Personally, they found Genma much more tolerable in his panda form than in his human one. Or at least cuter. Plus they didn't have listen to his speeches. Although the smell of wet fur did get to some of them.

A young woman was keeping track of the panda's passage. She tapped her foot impatiently until he entered into range. She smirked and seized the steaming kettle and launched it.

Genma heard something spinning through the air and looked up to see a cast iron kettle in a lazy arc when there was a crack of air and a blazing wave of chi literally sliced the kettle in half. His eyes widened comically as the boiling water exploded outward in a downward shower.

"eeeYAAAHHH!" Genma's howl of pain altered as the hot water effected his curse, changing his vocal apparatus from that a panda to a human being. As he blinked the water out of his eyes, he suddenly saw the demonic apparition before him and let out a shrill shriek and instinctively recoiled at the woman dressed in a shrine priestess garb beamed at him.

"Why if it isn't my dear Father-In-Law!" the woman said cheerfully, clapping her hands together girlishly and giggling, "What a remarkable coincidence … meeting you here of all places!"

Oh shit! Shit! He thought they had lost this lunatic back in Kyoto years ago! He would never have believed it, but he actually thought that she was scarier than the Dreaded Master!

"So … tell me, Father Dearest, just what has my beloved husband been up to these past few years?" she inquired.

Genma grinned weakly and opened his mouth when something sharp was suddenly pressed against the fleshy underside of his chin. His eyes crossed as he suddenly saw the gleaming sword that suddenly appeared in her hand. "And just between you and me?" she tittered and then her eyes snapped open revealing two glowing orbs instead of eyes, "Dispense with any bullshit," she snarled as her voice dropped a few octaves.

Any resistance he had crumbled and Genma immediately began babbling anything and everything he knew.

It didn't look like much but Ranma was in no mood to complain and the smell emanating from the Tea House was promising. He gave another sniff and his mouth watered appreciatively.

He opened the door and called out, "You guys still open?"

A female voice caroled back from somewhere in the back room, "Sure! Come in!"

Ranma grinned. His luck was changing as he slid the door shut and rubbed his hands together and quickly plopped down on a stool as a young woman strode out of the back carrying a sack of flour that she dropped by the stove. Then she caught sight of him. "RANMA?" she blurted out.

Ranma blinked and scratched his head. "Uh … do I know you?"

She smirked and placed her hands on her hips. "Is that anyway to talk to your fiancé?" she asked mockingly.

Ranma felt like someone had just punched him in the stomach. Figures, he thought to himself despairingly as he kissed any chance of a meal goodbye. My luck is the same as always. All bad.