I do not own God of War or any characters from the game. They belong to Sony Computer Entertainment.
So anyways Ares comes surfing into the narrative on a pancake riding on a magical rainbow wave while holding a strawberry lollipop because all Greek Gods love strawberry lollipops. Kratos, who was extremely jealous of Ares because he did not have a lollipop, attacked Ares with a broom made of cheese. Ares retaliated with a taichi move from a Jackie Chan movie, and the two created a mini battle of cute little warriors. The people of the island of Hawaii appeared and instead of stopping the fight they started taking bets and cheering the two little fighters for more brutal moves. Suddenly a demonic fairy from another dimension appeared and casted a friendship spell on the two of them, making them turn into best friends and stop fighting. They shared all their desserts from now on. Meanwhile, before the fairy could unleash a devastating wave of evil fire magic to roast our heroes alive, he needed to go to the bathroom. So he went back to his evil fairy cave, where the portal to our world disappeared and he was not seen for another billion years. Meanwhile the two newly acquainted friends flew to Toronto, which I think is in Canada but it could be in New Zealand because my geography stinks, but they were in Toronto and it was very cold. Suddenly a fair maiden holding a bucket of milk walked by and spilt the milk on the highway, causing a motorcycle to fly up and hit the flying duo into a nearby lake. Since the lake was covered in a thick layer of ice their descent was extremely painful. So they went to the nearest pharmacy where they bought some pills which they thought were painkillers but were actually pills to make your teeth look pretty. So they were still in pain but they had really pretty teeth, and they were screaming their lungs out when Tyra Banks stopped by and noticed how their teeth looked so pearly and nice and declared them as Canada's Next Top Models. So they got a cover shoot for some dumb teenage fashion magazine and a modeling contract and a bunch of all dumb things such as lipsticks and mascara which they sold on eBay for six dollars and twenty seven cents. As they were taking pictures they started pining for a really good pecan pie and they ate it and it was so delicious they ordered a few hundred more. After eating all the pie their teeth became so yellow and they became so obese that Tyra Banks fired them and found a new model made of cardboard. Meanwhile the recently laid off Spartan and God of War were stranded in Canada or New Zealand with no cash and no place to live, so they decided to juggle computer screens in a nearby computer store to earn some money. Unfortunately Ares was too dumb and dropped all the screens on Kratos's foot, who then dropped all of his screens onto Ares's head, who then got revenge by clubbing his face with a bowling ball. They were sued for property damage and were forced to pay the computer store approximately a billion dollars, which they did not have. So they ran off on a rocket powered skateboard and were chased out of the country which is good for me because now I can finally know where I am. They went to Australia where they saw a lot of cows, which they thought were very smelly, so they moved back to the good old USA and stayed in Kansas where the tornado that took Dorothy on a ride to Neverneverland caught them in the face and blew them to Greece. There Jigglypuff said that all Spartans and God of Wars were considered evil and ordered their executions before he realized he did not exist in the scope of this narrative and faded away into oblivion. Meanwhile all the Greek people wanted to chop them up into tiny pieces because they were sick of eating olive oil and wanted to try something new with olive oil because all olive oil combinations have been attempted and they were sick of it. So Kratos and Ares decided to unleash the awesomest power of Girlicious on the people, causing them to want inexplicably to buy the perfume merchandise they made when they were on CNTM. When they sprayed on the girly perfume, the release of gases caused a massive whole in the ozone hole at that particular spot, causing the UV rays to shine onto the radiation converting machine and it exploded into candy. While the people were deciding what to do with all the candy, out two brave heroes made their way to Italy which my mommy told me was next to Greece but I haven't checked the map so I'm not too sure. In Italy they ordered some spaghetti. It was delicious. Or was it?
To be continued…