It's her first proper visit to Kalinda's new apartment, the apartment that she practically ordered her to get after the shooting that had happened in her old home, and they're sitting high above the city streets on a balcony on the 23rd floor.
Quite apart from the horrific violence, the white, cold emptiness of her friend's apartment had chilled her to the bone. The thought of sending Kalinda back to that place after everything she'd been through had made her want to cry.
So she'd stated very firmly that Kalinda should look for somewhere more suitable, and was surprised at how easily she gave in. She was even more surprised when she'd been invited to the viewings, but Kalinda had just said that she hated realtors and that sounded eminently plausible.
She'd loved this place the moment she'd stepped inside – it was light, airy and open, with a beautiful balcony looking out over the city.
Kalinda, though, had seemed lost. She didn't seem to know what she wanted at all, didn't seem to know her own tastes, as if it had never occurred to her that an apartment might be somewhere to live instead of exist. Alicia had been a little worried that she had taken this place just to please her, to make her happy, but she'd dismissed that thought as ridiculous – that didn't sound like something Kalinda Sharma would do at all.
(Although, lately, there was a voice in the back of her mind that said...well. That said some absolutely astonishing things about what Kalinda Sharma would do, and more precisely, what Kalinda would do for her. Take a bullet, for example. She could only listen to that voice when she was feeling really, really brave.)
Today, seeing her in her new home for the first time, she looked perfectly content. A little happy round the edges, even, a little free. They'd made the right choice.
"This is so much nicer than your old place."
"Yeah. Thanks for your help with it."
"No problem."
"You want one of these?"
Kalinda produces a juice box from beside her chair. Alicia grins at her.
"Thanks. You know, my kids used to love these."
"Um...OK."
"They particularly liked the little bendy straws."
Kalinda studies her. "You're mocking me."
"Not at all. I'm just saying. Do you enjoy the little bendy straws?"
"I just have them because they're easy to carry round."
"Unlike, say, a bottle of water?"
"You want that or not?"
Alicia carefully unwraps her straw, places it into the juice box and takes a sip. "It's a bit sweet. Do you have anything in the blackberry?"
"You can shut up or go home. Those are your options."
Alicia smiles and pretends to zip her lip. Kalinda nods slightly as if to say "Good choice".
There's quiet for a little while, Alicia letting her mind go pleasantly blank as she enjoys the gentle heat of the evening sun. One of the many things that they'd regained during Kalinda's recovery was the ability to just sit quietly, sure in the knowledge that they were both happy to be together.
And then, before she really knows what's happening, before she's let herself think it through, she asks the question that she's been carefully not thinking about for weeks and weeks.
"Did we fall in love?"
The balcony is so high that the sound of the city below has mellowed down to a muted, background hum. An occasional car horn breaks through the quiet and then the low-level murmuring returns. It's incredible, how quiet it is. Unreal. Their own little bubble at the top of the world.
"What kind of a question is that?" It would sound harsh if it wasn't said so quietly, quickly, on a breath.
"An honest one. That's the deal, now, Kalinda. Just the truth."
Kalinda's silent and still, watching the horizon. There's no expression on her face at all. She could be bored or terrified, thrilled or furious. There's no way to tell.
"I realize that this probably isn't your favorite kind of conversation. But we need to have it, don't you think?"
Kalinda continues to watch the skyline, and it's at least 10 seconds later when she nods slightly and shrugs, as if to say, "Sure, if you think so."
Alicia sighs. Maybe this is the worst idea she's ever had, the most ridiculous. How do you form a relationship with someone who gives so little away? But she keeps going. She needs to. And after all the weeks of silence, suddenly it all pours out.
"You lived with me for four weeks, and you've been gone for eight, and I miss you. I miss you all the time. I miss you at breakfast, when I'm watching TV, when I'm working, when I'm falling asleep at night. I miss knowing that you're in the apartment, that you're close to me.
And I miss looking after you; I miss you letting me look after you. I miss you so much that I don't think I can handle it anymore, and I can't pretend that I'm just your friend who helped you out for a while, and we've gone back to the way it was before. I don't think that's what happened. I know it isn't. At least not for me."
Alicia fixes her eyes on a tree in the distance and refuses to let herself look at the blank, empty expression that is no doubt still in evidence on the other woman's face.
"Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me to shut up, and I will."
"I don't know what you're asking for."
"Yes, you do." She tries hard to keep an edge of anger from creeping into her voice, but doesn't succeed.
"Then I'm not sure I can give you what you're asking for."
That one Alicia can believe. Too easily.
"It's up to you, Kalinda. If you want to be loved, then I'm here."
Kalinda turns to look at her then, shocked by her candour. Alicia holds her gaze steadily until Kalinda looks away again. She wonders if Kalinda's ever really accepted affection before, and the thought that she might never have let herself be truly loved causes a sharp stab of pain in her heart.
"I'm asking you to love me. Only me. I'm asking for loyalty, and friendship, and to be the most important person in your life. That's what I'm asking for."
Kalinda's laugh takes her by surprise – it sounds childlike, light – she almost giggles. Alicia stares at her for a few seconds before saying, "Something funny?"
Kalinda looks a little sheepish. "Sorry, I...those things you just said, that list...that's not...that's not the problem."
"No?"
"No."
Alicia replays the list in her head and finds her heart beating faster.
"So that list, I mean, are you saying that's all...covered?"
Kalinda shrugs. "Easy part," she says quietly, not looking anywhere near Alicia.
Alicia reminds herself to breathe.
"Then what's the hard part?" she says softly.
"I don't like relationships. I don't like them, and I'm not good at them. I get smothered."
"You think that's how it would feel with me?" Her voice sounds hurt, defensive, she can hear it.
"I think that's how it would feel with anyone. Even you."
At least I'm an "Even", Alicia thinks darkly. She'd be miserable if she had to date me, but at least I'm an "Even".
"Is that how you felt when you lived with me? Smothered?"
A beat. "No."
"Did you like living with me?"
"Yes."
"Have you missed me?" That one's for her poor bruised ego, but she figures that she's allowed just one.
Five seconds pass. "Yes."
"What have you missed about me?" OK, so that's two for the ego. She'll stop in a minute, for sure.
Kalinda fidgets a little in her seat, but she answers. "You're a lot of fun. You're kind. You let me be. And I've really missed the sponge baths."
"Kalinda! You weren't supposed to be enjoying those!"
"You liked them too."
"I did not!"
"Then what were you babbling about that first time? You were so turned on you could hardly form a coherent sentence."
"That is totally and completely untrue. Those baths were for medicinal purposes only."
Kalinda smirks knowingly. "Mm-hm."
Alicia blushes and averts her gaze. (They'd certainly been for medicinal purposes, but they'd been charged, too, in a way that she'd banned herself from thinking about. Kalinda naked from the waist up, acquiescent and wet; letting her move her arms, her body, letting her...letting her...so close to her, so intimate, and yet not quiteable to touch...)
It takes at least 30 seconds for her to stop blushing. When she does, she's surprised to hear Kalinda break the silence.
"I didn't think you'd want this. I mean, I knew that you'd liked me living with you, and you were missing me a little, but I never thought...I know how to be your friend, Alicia. I know how to be your colleague. I don't know how to do this."
So you're not going to try, thinks Alicia miserably. My beautiful, bold Kalinda who's so scared she's given up before she's started.
"You don't think you can learn? That we can figure it out together?"
"Do you remember Donna?"
Alicia blinks at the sudden change of subject. "Donna?"
"She was Blake's date at that office party, after you won the case against Canning?"
"Right, I remember."
"She's my ex-girlfriend. We were together for six months. I broke it off because I couldn't handle it anymore. She wanted me all the time, wanted to know everything about me, meet my friends, my family."
"She sounds dreadful."
Kalinda doesn't smile. "I broke her heart, Alicia. I've already done that to you once. I can't do it again."
"Does it not occur to you that you'll break my heart by not loving me? By not giving this a chance?"
Kalinda stares at her. "I'm saying that I could only be with Donna in the first place because I didn't feel about her the way I feel about you."
"Kalinda, for God's sake...don't you realize how crazy that sounds? That's insane! You're only going to date people you don't love?"
Kalinda sighs, stands up and walks to the edge of the balcony. Alicia fights the urge to tell her to be careful.
"I hated that doctor."
"What?"
"The one who released me. I hated him."
"You hated all of them. And the nurses. And that poor guy who brought you your meals. And the–"
"I mean, the one who signed me out of the hospital. I hated him. I wanted to stay with you."
Alicia feels her anger drain completely away. Such a Kalinda-specific emotion, she thinks. Absolute fury followed by absolute tenderness.
"You should have said something. You know I wanted you to stay longer."
"I thought you might ask me to. Insist on it."
"So you wouldn't have to?"
Kalinda shrugs.
"Why is it so important to pretend that you don't love me? Love anyone? It doesn't make you strong, to pretend that."
"I don't like being dependent."
"When you woke me up, in the middle of the night that time to ask for my help, was that so bad? How did that make you feel?"
"I didn't like it."
"Didn't you? You wanted to sleep in my bed, and you were in no condition to seduce me. You wanted to be close to me because you liked me looking after you. Maybe you didn't like asking for help, but you liked the comfort, and the attention, and the love, when you finally gave in and let yourself. Admit it."
Kalinda sighs. "How is this relevant?"
"I want you to admit it."
"Maybe."
"Maybe?"
"Fine, I liked it. Happy?"
"You'd have that all the time. Whenever you wanted, whatever you needed, I'd give it to you. I'd always look after you, always. You'd have that all the time."
For the first time Alicia can see the struggle in Kalinda's eyes, an internal battle of wills.
"You were married for years, and I don't even like relationships. You have kids, and I'm bad with kids. We're in each other's pockets all day at work, you've never dated a woman before, and I've already hurt you once. How is that ever going to work?"
She sounds angry at first, frustrated, but by the time she finishes speaking Alicia can clearly hear another tone in her voice, a strong hint of yearning. Tell me how it's going to work, Alicia. Tell me how.
"I've tried the perfect on paper guy, and that didn't work out too well. I picked the handsome, clever, ambitious golden boy, and people thought we were this golden couple, the world at our feet, and it was fantastic for a few years and good for a lot more, and then it was horrible.
"So I've tried that, and it went to hell anyway. We might be an odd couple in theory Kalinda, but in practice I think we just love each other. And I think that's enough. Don't you?"
Kalinda doesn't reply.
"We lived together for four weeks, day in day out, I cooked for you, and bathed you, and looked after you 24 hours a day, and you were happy. Dating wouldn't be half so intense. So what are you worried about? Is it the sex? I promise to be gentle."
Kalinda looks half amused and half exasperated.
"I'm a fast learner too. I can research. What's that show, The L Team?"
"The L Word."
"Right. I can watch The L Word."
"I'm not sure that's gonna help you."
"Well then you'll have to help me instead."
That gets her a proper smile. And then...
"If it goes wrong, if I mess it up, we'd still be friends?"
Alicia lets that sink in for a few moments.
"Is that what you're worried about? Losing me?"
"It wasn't...good, before. I mean, when we were fighting. I really wasn't..."
She trails off. Alicia can almost see her pain. "I wasn't either," she says quietly. "But I don't think we should go into this thinking that we're going to mess it up. There's no reason to think that if we take care of each other.
"You need your own space. I get that. I'd want to take it slow. We'd be dating, just starting out. So...every other weekend, when I don't have the kids, I'd want at least one night with you. Doesn't have to be the whole weekend, I know you work sometimes. I do too. At least one date during the week. A few phone calls.
"We're both adults, we have our own lives and our own commitments. I don't want to smother you, Kalinda, I just want to be close enough to love you."
A car horn sounds again down in the city streets, reminding Alicia that there is a world outside this balcony, where it feels like decisions are being made that will rule her entire future happiness. Her only consolation is that she's asking for what she wants, now. Life isn't simply happening to her anymore, even if there's very little chance of getting what she needs.
And yet...Kalinda is watching her with an odd expression on her face.
"What is it?"
"Is that really what you'd want?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, only that? I thought you'd want...more."
"Well, maybe after a while, in the end, but I'd always have the kids, and we both work so much, and together...and I think we both need our own space."
Kalinda's still watching her, and she realizes that she's trying to work out whether she's lying. She holds the eye contact until she can't keep quiet any longer.
"Tell me what you're thinking."
Kalinda looks away for a moment, and when she looks back she's half-smiling. Alicia's heart beats hard in anticipation.
"I'm thinking we sound strangely compatible."
Alicia's heartbeat thumps in her ears. "I think we've always been strangely compatible."
"I want two nights with you at the weekend."
Alicia stares, and then smiles warmly as she feels a heady mix of relief and excitement flow through her body. "I'm sure we can compromise."
Kalinda grins back. They gaze at each other for long moments, Alicia entirely enable to tear her eyes away from the happiness that she sees in the other woman's eyes.
"So, just to make sure we're on the same page here – we're going to start dating, but not smother each other, and I love you, and you love me, and we're both happy about all of that. Does that sound right? Any objections?"
"No objections."
"Well, OK then. I'm glad we got that settled."
"OK."
There's more smiling. More looking. Alicia realizes how much she has wanted to simply look at Kalinda, take her all in.
"We've done this in kind of a weird order," she says after a while.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, the whole declaration of undying love bit before we've even kissed."
"Mmm. I'm not sure it matters, as long as we get it all done eventually."
"I guess that's true."
A pause. Alicia's heart is threatening to pump itself out of her chest. She idly wonders how she's going to cope with any actual sex that might occur, but decides that she'll manage somehow.
"So? Are you going to kiss me?"
"Me? I have to do all the work?"
But she walks over to Alicia and kneels down in front of her. Her smile fades as they get closer, the nervous tension showing on her face, and Alicia reaches out a hand to gently stroke her cheek.
"We could wait until I've watched that TV show if you want. In case I get it wrong."
"I don't think that'll be necessary." She looks more nervous than Alicia's ever seen her, but she still leans in slowly, very gently kissing her, so tenderly that Alicia sighs in pleasure. Kalinda kisses her again, a little harder, and Alicia returns the pressure, a glowing flow of warmth running through her blood.
She has no idea how long they kiss for. When they break apart she can feel her face burning in a blush and finds herself panting for breath. She's amazed to see that Kalinda is just as affected, her chest rapidly rising and falling, her eyes still closed.
"Hi," she says softly.
Kalinda opens her eyes. "Hi."
"Sit with me."
Kalinda looks at her, perplexed.
"On my lap. Come here."
Kalinda looks at her like she's gone mad, so Alicia physically pulls Kalinda up and, after some initial resistance, manages to guide her into her lap. She wraps her arms around her tightly to guard against escape and places a hand on the back of her neck to encourage her to snuggle up. It takes a little while, but after a few minutes and some unconvincing murmurings of complaint, Kalinda gradually relaxes and lets herself melt into the embrace.
They sit there for several minutes, entwined, listening to the muffled sounds of the city far below them.
"I really do like your new apartment."
"Yeah."
"The view's much better from here. Don't you think?"
"Mmm. I do."
Alicia places a kiss on the top of her head, wraps her arms a little tighter, and looks out at the beckoning horizon.