Fear and Security

Fear (n.) - 1: a. an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger, b. an instance of this emotion; 2: anxious concern; 3: profound reverence and awe esp. toward God; 4. reason for alarm

Security (n.) - 1: the quality or state of being secure: as a. freedom from danger: safety, b. freedom from fear or anxiety, c. freedom from the prospect of being laid off; 2: a. something given, deposited, or pledged to make certain the fulfillment of an obligation, b. surety; 3: an instrument of investment in the form of a document (as a stock certificate or bond) providing evidence of its ownership; 4: a. something that secures: protection, b (1). measures taken to guard against espionage or sabotage, crime, attack, or escape (2). an organization or department whose task is security

I sit in the recently vacated chair on the beach after issuing a subtle threat to the island pervert's personal well-being. From here I can see my husband standing knee-deep in the ocean waves, his hands cupped at his right side as he chants the name of the ki technique he's busy practicing. He doesn't train much anymore; after a few years of peace he has become somewhat complacent, figuring there could never be a threat as dire as Cell again, and even if there is, the saiyans will be more than strong enough to defeat it. It doesn't matter much to me that he doesn't train extensively. After all, I was stronger than him to begin with, so it isn't as if I'm worried about my husband being a weakling in comparison.

I see him move his hands forward and the blue beam of energy shoots from his hands, parting the ocean. I like to watch him practice the kamehameha wave. On the beach I can feel drops of the ocean sprinkling down on me and his silhouette in the ethereal light is alluring. The wind ruffles his wavy black hair, then it settles while he moves his hands to his side to start gathering energy again. I can't sense ki as he can, but I can tell from my observations that he isn't as strong as he used to be. Actually, he has been losing strength since Cell's defeat, but somehow that doesn't affect the way he makes me feel.

It's a feeling hard to describe, but it doesn't fade like simple emotions. I'm not sure when it started, and I don't think it really matters when it did. What matters to me is that it did and that it continues even now. And I like to think it's a feeling that will last a lifetime. As long as I have him in my life, it will be there, and once again I can thank him for making me feel, for making me more than a computer-brained android.

…

It wasn't until several months after Krillin first took her to Roshi's island that she finally accepted his invitation to stay there permanently. Though she liked the way he made her feel, that he even evoked something inside that she could feel, she still didn't trust him enough to live in the same house as him even though there was an extra guestroom she could have had to herself. Even if she did trust him, she certainly did not trust Roshi, who she quickly found out was the biggest pervert on the planet.

Over the months, she saw Krillin fairly often, though she never went to the same place twice. Somehow, he kept finding her, usually bringing some sort of gift, sometimes some food or drink even though she didn't technically need any to live. They were small gifts, such as a silver wristwatch, barrettes, or lip gloss. It seemed if he knew nothing else about her, he knew she had a vain streak that he willingly pampered. And every time he saw her, he asked her to come back with him to Roshi's island to stay with him. Each time she refused.

There was always a short pinch of fear that she recognized before it disappeared when he asked. She didn't know what she was afraid of, but she trusted the human emotion enough to reject the kind man over and over again. He was patiently persistent, but she was steadfastly stubborn in her rebuttals to his advances. Perhaps it was fear that he wasn't the kind of man she wanted to believe he was. Maybe it was fear that he would lose interest in her. It could have been fear that she liked him more than she realized. Then again, it was possible she was simply afraid of any kind of commitment.

She was still trying to work out the meaning of her life. She hadn't seen Seventeen since Cell absorbed him, so she was trying to make her way without her brother, the only person she felt she could fully trust and rely on. She knew that aside from Krillin, the other warriors didn't particularly care for her; likely they still viewed her as a threat to the safety of the planet. She didn't know how to change that opinion, and she wasn't sure she cared enough to bother. Other than Gohan, Piccolo, and Vegeta, she was still stronger than them all. If those three left her alone, she was free to go about her business without being threatened.

But what if one of them did come after her? What if she couldn't convince him that she wasn't evil and had no intention of destroying the world? Every time she thought about that possibility she felt another wave of fear, swiftly quelled by the emotion-inhibiting device. That was the true reason she never camped out at the same location for long and never returned to any place she had stayed before. The fear wasn't constant, but she remembered it and acted on it. Out of self-preservation she kept on the move like some sort of fugitive. Was that what she was? Did any of the warriors even think about her anymore, or was she some minor problem they could take care of with ease if she ever decided to live up to the future boy's prophecy? There was no way of knowing, so she reasoned it was safest to live on the run.

The fear of being destroyed paired with all the other fears she had of staying with Krillin made her refuse his repeated invitations. If she lived at Kame House, everyone would know exactly where to find her. She would be making a commitment of some sort of relationship to Krillin she didn't think she was ready for. She would be putting herself in a situation where someone might try to take advantage of her, or where she would grow a stronger attachment to Krillin that she wasn't sure she wanted. And maybe she was nothing but a challenge to him, and if she moved in with him he would consider it a challenge met and go on with his life not thinking about her anymore. No, she was really much more comfortable living by herself, even if it was in the middle of the wilderness with no real shelter the majority of the time.

She was sitting with her back leaning against an ancient oak near the edge of a pond when Krillin dropped out of the sky near her. She looked up at him passively before picking up the red leather knapsack he had given her some time ago to keep her extra belongings in and moving it so he could sit next to her. They didn't bother with the formality of greetings as Krillin walked over and sat down. Sitting there in the quiet, all they heard was the gentle lapping of the pond water on its muddy banks and the breeze in the cattails. In the distance a single frog croaked.

Whenever he was close to her she felt a sort of peace, as if she believed he could make everything right, and he could protect her and would stay with her forever. It was ridiculous, but it was a feeling she couldn't – and wouldn't – shake. He wasn't pushy and he never did anything to make her feel uncomfortable, aside from asking her if she wanted to live at Kame House. And even that he asked with the most benevolent intentions. He wanted her to have the stability of a real home.

He exhaled slowly, his breath misting in the frigid air. Fumbling around in his pocket, he finally fished out his gift for her: pearl earrings. Taking her slender hand in his, he pressed them into her palm and closed her fingers around them, not allowing her to refuse them. She watched from the corner of her eye as he leaned back against the tree and tilted his head back, gazing at the mostly bare branches with the last golden leaves of autumn clinging to them. He never said a word, but then, he didn't need to. She understood him without him trying to express his thoughts and feelings with such a feeble form of communication.

Several long minutes passed before he broke the silence, telling her, "I visited Gohan yesterday. He – he asked me if I'd seen you much." He paused, blushing.

She raised an eyebrow as she turned to face him. "You told him?"

He nodded once. "Yeah. He said – it's funny really – he said everyone's wondering if we're going to, you know, date or something. Not that I think we should! I mean I'd like to – I mean, you know! I told him it's complicated!" He finished with a mortified groan.

She grunted, turning back to stare over the pond to the dense forest beyond. "What would your friends think if we did?"

Krillin stammered a little before he could form complete words. "I guess they'd, well, I think they'd be happy about it."

"They don't think I would hurt you?" She frowned a little at the thought.

"No way!" he assured her, waving his hands defensively, "No one thinks you're a bad person anymore!"

The familiar sense of fear came and went, and for the first time she wondered if she should heed it. She didn't believe Krillin would lie to her about something like that. Over the past few months she had learned to discern when he was only telling half-truths, though he didn't tell them often. Usually only when he was trying to hide his true feelings out of fear of rejection. He was definitely being honest with her. They didn't think she was bad. They didn't want to hurt her. They might even support a relationship between herself and Krillin. She found she didn't at all dislike that idea.

He fell into silence again. She reached up and took her hoop earrings out and replaced them with the pearl earrings Krillin gave her. After tucking the old ones in her knapsack, she put her hand over Krillin's and intertwined her fingers with his.

"It doesn't have to be complicated."

Able to do little more than grin stupidly, he gently squeezed her hand and watched the cattails bending in the breeze. He didn't need to ask what she meant, and he didn't have to ask the same question he'd been asking for months. She answered both of them by making the first move, the first sign of real affection when she took his hand. Feeling her smooth hand in his made him forget the rough bark snagging on his sweater and the chill air biting into him.

A few hours later they stood on the sandy beach of Roshi's island looking at the pink shack. She felt the fear again, but it was gone almost instantly. Not fast enough for her not to notice, of course. It presented her with a choice: fake the emotion and back out, or ignore it and move forward. Her brows knit as she considered her options. She had been faking fear for months. Frankly, she was tired of faking it, especially since she couldn't even feel it most of the time. There was no good reason to be afraid anymore. Firming her resolve, she took Krillin's hand again as he led them toward the front door.

With the door open, she looked inside and almost turned on her heel to run. There was no fear present, but she thought it should be there, she should feel some sort of fear or anxiety or something as she crossed the threshold. She could fake the emotion she figured would be appropriate or remain perfectly stoic as she made the decision to take up permanent residence in the little house. She turned to Krillin for reassurance and all ideas of fleeing were swept away when she saw his happiness. There was nothing to be afraid of, she told herself. Nothing at all. If Krillin were here, it would be okay. She could trust him. He'd proven that already.

"Where's the pervert?"

Krillin shrugged. "Bathroom? He spends a lot of time in there."

Accepting his answer, she went to the stairs and looked up into the dark shadows broken only by stray beams of sunlight streaming in the windows upstairs. Leading the way, she started up the stairs and stopped at the top, looking around. She'd been there before, but other than the bathroom she never explored any of the other rooms. He would have to show her which room was to be hers.

"I, uh, didn't know if you would – if you were going to come, so I, uh, well the room isn't all ready," he explained as he led her to the door at the end of the hall. He opened it and took a few steps inside, giving her room to come in after him. The bed was already made with plain white sheets and a light blue blanket. Lacy white curtains danced in the breeze drifting in the open window. There was a pine wood bureau of drawers pushed against the wall, a matching nightstand next to the bed with an alarm clock and a small lamp perched on it. On the far side of the room was another door, presumably hiding a closet. The walls were pale yellow and the floor was hardwood. Nothing fancy, but it was cozy. It was hers. She walked over to the bed and laid her knapsack on it, turning in a circle as she surveyed the room from a new angle. Small, comfortable. From there she could also see there was a deadbolt on the door, likely to keep out snoopy perverts. Secure.

In a single fluid movement she sat on the edge of the bed and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. Someone who didn't know her might have thought her movements were dreamlike, as if she were in a daze, but Krillin knew better. She was satisfied with her room. He rubbed his bald head as he took a seat next to her on the bed.

"I hope you like it."

"It's nice."

He gave her a crooked smile and nodded in agreement. He built the bureau and nightstand himself, so he was glad she liked them. Maybe if he could get money somehow he could buy her nicer things. She would probably like more clothes and a change of bed linens. Maybe she would want to paint the walls a different color or pick out her own curtains. He was relieved she was okay with what she had for now. He wanted to give her everything she wanted, but it would take time and he didn't have much money, so a lot of it would have to wait.

"I'm glad you're here," he told her.

She sighed quietly. "Don't make me change my mind about it."

Gulping, he shook his head, vehemently promising not to overstep his boundaries. He would never push her to do anything she didn't want to do. He wouldn't let Master Roshi bother her. He would make sure she had everything she needed and more. He would make sure she felt at home here.

And she believed him. She knew he would keep his promises. There was nothing to worry about. She didn't need him to, and a small part of her didn't want him to, but he would take care of her. She stiffened for a moment when she felt him put his arm around her shoulders in a sort of side hug, but then she relaxed. She had nothing to fear from him. It dawned on her that while Seventeen was gone, maybe forever, she didn't need him anymore. Krillin had come into her life and he was willing and able to stay by her side. She didn't know how she knew, but she did. Krillin was someone she could count on, someone she could trust. He would never push her away and he would protect her from anything or die trying. She wasn't much for chivalry and all that; with anyone else she might have been angry, but with him she valued it, took comfort in it. He gave her a sense of security she hadn't had since, well, since the first time she saw Cell. She hadn't realized how much she needed some sort of constant in her life, but now that she had one, she wondered how she could ever live without it.

"You don't have to pay rent or anything," he told her, breaking her out of her thoughts. "You're free to stay here as long as you want. I wish I could give you a better place to stay, but, you see, I don't have much money, and, well, this is kind of home to me."

"It's fine for now." Honestly she didn't want to stay with the pervert for long, but she understood Krillin's predicament. Maybe she could convince him to get a job or something so he could earn enough money to get a place of his own. It didn't matter at the moment, though. She was still adjusting to the idea of living somewhere, not temporarily lodging wherever she thought was safe and secluded enough.

Several days after she moved in to Kame House, they were visited by Gohan and his grandfather, the Ox King. She wanted to stay upstairs out of sight; if she was quiet, they would never know she was there because she had no ki to sense. Of course Krillin might mention something, but she asked him not to. She still didn't trust any of his friends, especially not any of the three who were strong enough to kill her. When Krillin told her Gohan was coming over, she felt the sharp stab of fear again before it was inhibited. What if he was coming to destroy her when she wasn't expecting it? What if he changed his mind and didn't want her and Krillin to be together? She doubted he trusted her. It was safer not to trust him either.

She stood in front of the window in her room and looked down at the small gathering of old friends on the beach. Krillin hugged Gohan and shook hands with the Ox King. They were close, obviously. Would he let her be in danger? Would he have brought her to stay here where all his friends could find her if he thought they would hurt her? She wasn't feeling the suppressed fear, but she knew what it was trying to tell her before it was extinguished. She was in danger, threatened by a prepubescent boy. Looking at her situation that way, she realized how silly it was to fake fear of him and stay out of sight and out of mind. She had no reason to be afraid of him. He was a gentle boy, and Krillin assured her she was safe. Even if she didn't trust Gohan yet, she trusted Krillin's judgment.

And so she opened her window and climbed out onto the roof of the porch, then jumped down to the ground several feet away from the others. She moved silently, so they didn't notice her approach until she was right behind Krillin. He jumped in surprise when he saw her, but then he grinned. Taking her hand, he introduced her to their guests, though she already knew who both of them were, and no doubt they knew who she was. Gohan did, at least.

"Hello," Gohan said, bowing respectfully.

She pushed her hair behind her ear but didn't respond. She wasn't sure how. Should she be friendly? Formal? Should she thank him for saving her from Cell? Should she remain cautious around him? Trust him? Shake hands? Bow? She stood there awkwardly, feeling horribly out of place as if she had intruded on a party she wasn't invited to.

Gohan smiled a little and rubbed his thick black hair. "It's good to see you again. How have you been?"

She saw him squirm under her calm, steady gaze. It didn't seem possible that this little boy was the savior of the world. He was as nervous as she should have been. "Fine."

"Oh, well that's good. So are you and Krillin dating now?"

Krillin's cheeks flushed as he smacked the boy on the head. "Smooth, bro," he growled.

One side of her mouth turned up in a sort of smile. "I guess you could say we are."

"W-what? We are?"

Gohan looked at Krillin wide-eyed, then blinked. "I don't get it, Krillin. Why don't you ever know when a girl's your girlfriend?"

"Well, you see, it's just that, I didn't want to, uh, rush things," he explained, bowing his head as he looked down at the sand and shifted his weight from one foot to the other. "Not that I'm saying we shouldn't, er, you know, date."

The flash of fear she felt when he seemed confused by her proclamation was soothed by a warm blanket of security when she listened to his explanation. He was so bad with words; he was nervous and jumpy and stuck his foot in his mouth more than half the time, but it was his actions that she looked to for understanding. He might say the wrong thing every time, but he always did what was right. That was why she knew she could rely on him, why she knew he was her security.

They stayed outside for a while talking until finally they moved inside out of the scorching heat. She was the last to go in, right behind Krillin. Seeing everyone take a seat in the living room made a fragment of the feeling she was growing used to fade; part of her security was stolen away by their presence in her home. She couldn't really explain it, but for some reason she felt like they were invading her private space, nosing around where they didn't belong. But all they were doing was sitting and chatting with old friends as they had surely done many times before she ever came to live at Kame House. Keeping a wary eye on the visitors, she sat next to Krillin.

"Is everything okay?" he whispered.

Her stoic expression never faltered, but somehow he could tell something was bothering her. She wasn't feeling fear again, but she was feeling less of the comforting sense of safety that had been growing since moving in. It was a subtle change, but one she noticed right away, one she desperately wanted to reverse. She debated whether or not to answer him with full honesty.

"They make me uncomfortable."

"Gohan and Ox King? Don't worry, they're harmless." The bald man rubbed her back in a circular, soothing motion. The tension in her body seemed to melt away at his touch. As if he were working some sort of magic on her she could feel the new, welcome feeling returning full force. Almost defiantly she looked over at Gohan and his grandfather, purposely making eye contact with them to show she wasn't bothered by them. Because she wasn't, not anymore.

Ignoring the conversation, she wondered when she became like some sort of wild animal. Distrusting, suspicious, threatened. Maybe she had always been like that, but when Seventeen was around she hadn't noticed because he made her feel safe. They were the two strongest beings on the planet, at least until Cell came. Okay, Sixteen was stronger too, but they didn't know it. Either way, she felt untouchable when she was part of the twin android duo, two machines built for destruction. She wasn't exactly a follower, but she preferred being part of a group she could trust. Her brother had always been the leader of the pack, and she was satisfied to follow and keep him in check when he got too out of control. But he was gone. Was it when he was taken away from her that she started acting fearful, actually listening to the brief bits of fear? She never had when he was with her. Security wasn't an issue because she had known she was safe from any possible threats. But everything changed fast, and she soon became the hunted. Maybe the experience of being stalked by a monstrous predator still haunted her.

With the feeling of security revived, she breathed a small sigh of relief and leaned against Krillin, allowing him to wrap his arm protectively around her slim waist. How was it that someone so much weaker could make her feel so safe? She didn't understand it, and she decided not to question it. The 'why' didn't matter to her anymore. All that mattered was that not only had she found a person she wanted to be around, she found someone she wanted to stay around.

…

I hear the shower turn off in the next room and wait patiently for him to come to our bedroom to dry and get dressed. He walks into our shared bedroom, water trickling from his hair and down his chest until it reaches the towel wrapped around his waist. He doesn't say anything, but he smiles at me before going over to the bureau to get fresh clothes after his training session. While he dresses himself my gaze wanders around the room. It's nice to have a safe haven like this where we can come to be alone with all the privacy in the world. We share the house with a pig, a turtle, and a perverted hermit, but this is our room, our sanctuary. No one else passes through that door without an invitation, and such invitations are rarely given. And not just by my request. Krillin doesn't like other people butting in here either. I appreciate that about him.

He puts on a navy blue polo shirt and a pair of khaki shorts, then sits next to me on the bed. I can tell he's tired from his training; using ki always wears purely organic beings out. I can't sympathize since I have an unlimited power source inside me. I push back a strand of hair from my face and turn to him. I can see my reflection in his deep brown eyes, and it makes me smile. It reminds me that I'm the only woman he will ever see as a partner, a lover. The same old feeling of security washes over me when I think how he will be with me as long as he lives. Not once since I moved in to this house has he abandoned me, and never has he even threatened to leave me.

I lie down on the bed and he lies next to me, never saying a word. He props himself up on his elbow and leans over me, brushing my hair back with his free hand. I feel his warm fingers lightly touching my face and it makes me feel protected and cared for. I still refuse to admit needing protection or care from any other person, even Krillin, but that doesn't mean I'm not grateful for it, that it doesn't make me feel security that I could find nowhere else. He has been my rock, my solid foundation for so long I can't imagine my life without him. I'm not sentimental. I don't have the emotions for such rubbish. But I know that what I have is a rare, wonderful gift that I wouldn't exchange for the world. When I am with him, I know that everything will be all right.

A/N: Tell me how I'm doing on 18's character. She's hard to write because she is generally so stoic... but it's a fun challenge for me. So, again, review!

Beta'd by lilpumpkingirl