Eventually I had to get out of the shower and I finally did after the water turned cold. The tears had dried for now. I couldn't help but hope that they would be the only ones tonight, but I knew that was a pointless wish. The amount of tears I had cried these last months reminded me of the scene in Alice in Wonderland when the little girl cried so much she filled the whole room.
I dried my hair with one hand and got dressed with the other. After that was done, I went back down stairs, locking the door on my way to the kitchen, knowing that if I didn't I would get a scolding from Nii-chan. I stopped at my unfinished homework.
The tears that had fallen on the paper had already dried into blemishes on the once perfectly white paper. The sight reminded me why I was crying in the first place, and I felt my eyes fill again, but I pushed it away. It was a skill that I had picked up from all the nights I had dinner with the two love birds.
Sitting down and picking up the paper, I started to finish my homework, trying with all my might to distract myself. Thankfully, it worked, and I lost myself in the world of mathematics. The next time I looked up it was dark outside. I got up to make dinner. I felt my heart tighten, knowing that I would once again be eating alone.
I started making a simple dinner of breakfast – eggs and some toast. Bland foods seemed to be the only thing I could eat lately.
Even though I could feel the heat coming off the burner, I still felt cold. Like somehow the fire that had been keeping me warm and alive all this time had dimmed down and was only a flickering candle now. I ate in silence, a silence that seemed to stretch out in front of me so much that even my breathing and the little sounds of my eating seemed like thunder in in the small space.
When I was done, I washed the dishes. The sound of the running water came as a relief from the dead silence but, soon that too was gone. I walked to my room, my steps echoing throughout the house. Maybe I was being over dramatic but the endless days of nights alone got to me more and more. I had always been with Nii-chan, always had noise of some sort or another. Maybe I didn't appreciate what I had until it was gone. It was pointless to try to sleep, I was lucky if I got any sleep at night, so I decided to play a video game.
I wasn't even the slightest bit interested in the game, but I figured anything to relieve my boredom and keep my mind busy would be good. I briefly wondered when Nii-chan and Usami would get home, but quickly pushed the thought away since it hurt too much to think about them together.
It was well after midnight when I heard the door open, than slam shut with some laughter. I quickly shut off my game, grateful the lights were already off; hoping they would think I was asleep. I heard them stumble up the stairs and into Nii-chans room, right next to mine. I heard the bed creak, and soon moans where drifting through the paper-thin walls.
I felt my eyes prick with tears that I refused to let fall because I knew they would hear my sobs, if I could hear them they could for sure hear me even if they were distracted. I fisted the bed covers that I was laying on in my hands, I tried biting my lip until I tasted blood but I just couldn't hold it anymore. It just hurt too much to listen to their love. It made my ribs feel as if a giant weight was on them and as if a hand was squeezing my heart.
The feeling was overwhelming. I felt the tears slide down my face, hot and wet. I let go of the covers so I could clamp my hand over my mouth to keep in the wails that tried to escape. I breathed through my nose as not to make a sound, my eyes burned and blurred.
I got out of bed and pulled on a sweat-shirt, then left the confines of the house as quietly and quickly as I could. Running to the park that was close to the house, I sat on a bench and let the strangled cries and heartbroken wails pour out of my mouth. The sounds echoed through the park before the sound came back to me and I realized how pathetic I must look. I didn't just look pathetic; I was pathetic, and stupid, for holding on-to these feelings when all they caused was pain.
I was crying over someone who would never even give me the time of day! In fact, I was sure he didn't even know I was alive; I let out another strangled cry at that thought. I was worse than pathetic, disgusting, trash, revolting; sickening, that was what I was. I tried to let it go, I didn't know why I was so set on him, in all honesty what did I know of him?
What was worse was seeing him these months I had learned about him. The more I learned the more I wanted to be the one he adored. The gentle way he held Nii-chan, the way his face would soften when he looked at something he liked, his crude sense of humor. I tried to ignore him, but I was obsessed with knowing more and more.
I couldn't stand myself for all the things I did to learn more about him. I wanted to let it all go, to let him go, to not be this way and yet I tried to get to know him better. I wanted to justify it to myself and say it was for Nii-chans sake, that I wanted to be like brothers to the man he loved but I knew that wasn't true. I was horrible for that, I manipulated and planned for my own gain something that would destroy my family. What an awful person I was.
After a few moments, I was able to calm myself down. I pushed the image; my mind had created of the two together, into the farthest corner of my mind. I felt even colder now, and the candle inside me flickered, almost going out but not quite. It was a tiny, blue flame in my core. I stood and walked to the 24/7 diner that was only a few blocks from my house.
It was one of those old, classy diners. It literally looked like they took the design right out of the grease movies. The bell above the door rang as I entered. A very tired man with dyed blond hair greeted me and led me to my usual corner booth. I had been in here more times than I cared to remember. Whenever Usami was over, or whenever I couldn't sleep , I would come here. I even knew some of the employees by name.
Only two other people were in the diner beside me. One was a man in a suit tapping nonstop on a laptop sitting at a table in the middle of the shop. The other was a girl sitting in a booth with her head stuck in a book, probably studying for something.
One of the waiters, named Haru, came out and gave me a cup of coffee, already knowing that it was all that I was going to have that night or I guess morning by now. I thanked him as he left. I pulled out the book that I kept in my sweat shirt for moments like this. It seemed like only minutes had gone by since I had opened my book, but my watch went off, telling me it was 4 am and time to go home.
After paying for my coffee, I walked home; still not feeling even the slightest bit tired, the only thing I could think was 'I hope they are finished.' My heart gave a squeeze at that, but I ignored it. When I opened the door, I was met with silence, and for once I welcomed it. As I walked up the stairs, a slight snore could be heard from Nii-chans room.
The door was cracked open just enough that one could look in; I knew it would only hurt me but I looked inside anyway, it was almost as if I had to look. To see what was so then maybe I could stop thinking about what could be. It looked like a scene straight out of a movie: Nii-chan was wrapped in Usami's big arms with his head resting on his lover's bare chest.
God what I would give to be in Nii-chan's place! I thought as I leaned on the wall, letting my head hit it. Sighing, I tried to suppress the desire to rush in there screaming and break them up. My heart tugged and tugged, but I refused to listen, knowing the consequences. Instead, I started walking to my room, the image already locked in my mind. As if I needed more proof that I there was no way I could ever have Usami.
More proof that I didn't belong with them, that I was only in the way.
While walking towards my room, I felt the bitterness and disgust rise in my throat. The bile rose in my throat and I rushed to the bathroom, just in time as I threw up. That was a first. It amused me slightly that the disgust I felt for myself was strong enough that it caused me to react physically. It just showed how revolting I really was. I threw up one more time before getting up and washing my mouth out. I pushed the image from Nii-chan's room into the corner of my mind with the other one things I didn't want to think about.
I climbed into bed, not even bothering to change or take off my clothes, and closed my eyes, knowing that this was only for show. I wouldn't be getting any sleep tonight either.