"Have you talked to her outside the whole store thing?"
I look out into the mist as I take a drag off of one of my Camel Wides. It's crisp outside. The sun is just beginning to disappear behind the mountains that surround us. We're sitting on the love seat that is on the back porch. It's my calming place. My smoking place. The place I go to when memories and thoughts are way too much to handle. A thick down blanket is almost always here for when I come out at night. The only time that this blanket gets removed is when the storms pass through.
"No. Not really. She isn't talkative really. But this is only her second day here." I say back to him as we both stare off. Within the first few days you can tell if someone is going to stay here for a while or not. Some people just fit here. I think it's because all the people who end up staying her for a while are completely worn out of the system. We're all done with the worrying and we just wanna live.
"Yeah I know. It's just…you know how impatient I get."
Which is true. Corey can hardly stand the wait for Easy Mac to get out of the microwave. Plus he just wants to befriend anyone and everyone. We don't get new kids that much, but when we do, if they don't want to go shopping with him within the first few days he tends to take that a bit too personal. "Give her some time. She'll warm up soon. You can tell she wants to, she just has to learn to trust us."
I inhale some more toxins before putting the tiny torch out in a large coffee can. I fill my lungs with as much air as I possibly can, inhaling until I think it is physically impossible to expand my chest any more. With the breath the faint smell of evergreen and salt fills my senses sending shivers down my spine… and for a split second I close my eyes, knowing that the faint laughter I just heard was nothing but a sick joke my mind likes to play on my heart every now and then. Unconsciously my fingers start to fiddle with the black bandana wrapped around my wrist. My brothers birthday is tomorrow.
"I love you Leigh." Corey nudges me knowing my mind is drowning in memories. Corey is always there to throw me a rope and pull me back to the stable ship. He is smiling at me trying to offer as much comfort as possible and it does help. Those words are rare. Not the simple words but the meaning is rare. People can throw I love you around as much as they please but when you hear it from someone who truly means it, nothing can replace that feeling.
"I love you too Corey." This is the closest relationship that I ever created with someone after the accident four years ago. He is the closest thing I have ever had to a family member after that single day. But that day is something that we don't discuss. Almost everyone knows the basics of what happened. Birthday camping trip gone wrong. Station wagon vs. Semi, only one person surviving. But no one knows the exacts. No one but me and even my memories are slightly blurred. Well at least the memories of what happened after the ambulance showed up. Everything before then is perfectly clear. I can remember every last detail down to the license plate number of the semi that took my mother and my father and my brother but left me here to duke it out alone.
Letting out a sigh, I shove my thoughts aside. Tears are now threatening to escape which is a clear sign to move on to a different subject. Corey senses the war over my thoughts going on in my mind and throws me yet another life vest.
"So what is going on with you and Spencer, huh?" he wiggles his eye brows up and down.
"Same old same old man. You know how she is. Nothing but a tease. Plus you know I'm not after her." I say and light up another cigarette, handing the pack to Corey who lights up his own.
"If you're not after her than why do you tease her back?" It's a valid question. There have been many times where I pressed up against her a little too close, or touched her in lustful ways on purpose.
"I'm not sure. It's something to do I guess. Nothing will ever be made out of it. I'm still chasing Lucy." I laugh slightly about the whole Lucy situation. She's a dream. Well my dream at least. She's hilarious and daring. Compassionate to say the least. She's not afraid to go there and come back. She's a natural beauty too. No make-up, wavy red hair. Her eyes are speckled green and brown and grey. Every time I see her I forget who I am and where I am. I just want to hold her hand.
"Have you talked to her yet?" Corey breaks my train of thought and interrupts my dreams.
"Yes." He looks at me and dares me to tell the truth. "Okay, no, but you know how she makes me feel. I get all blah around her. How can I talk to her if I can't even think logically around her?"
The sun has now disappeared and we are sitting in the dark but I can still see his features outlined into a huge smile.
"I don't know Leigh. That's your shit." I thank him for being ever so kind and helpful while putting out the cigarette.
"Can I bum one?" a weak, raspy voice asks in the doorway.
"Can you turn the porch light on?" I ask back and within a few moments the light bulb flickers on showing Ashley in red plaid pajama shorts and a black and grey baseball tee with the sleeves that stop mid arm. I reach over and hand her the pack of cigarettes as she walks over and sits down on one of the other chairs across from the love seat that me and Corey are on.
Her straight brown hair pokes out from the winter hat that she has on. The flaps that hang over her ears keep her warm despite the lack of winter clothing.
"Sleep okay last night?" Corey asks with general concern.
"Well. I slept okay." She nods and stares off into the distance while taking another drag. I know that is a lie. She was tossing and turning all night. Most people don't sleep on the first night in a new home. Me on the other hand, I rarely sleep at all. I get three hours each night, roughly. Sometimes more and sometimes less. I've gotten used to it though.
"So what do you think of Spencer?" Corey is always full of questions. At first it's the most annoying thing in the world but after a while, it becomes a comfort to you. He asks you straight up, he doesn't beat around the bush. It makes it easier to open up about things because you never have to try to casually 'slip' something that you want to talk about into an already ongoing conversation.
"I haven't really conversed with her but she's uhhh…" Ashley searches for the right words but Corey finishes her sentence.
"Hot." We all kinda give out a small laugh because we all agree.
"Yeah. Well. I can't deny that. Speaking of which, did she give you the package yet?" I ask Corey which I assume is a no because his eyes light up as he grabs his phone and starts to text her. Ashley tenses up a tiny bit and lifts her legs up to her chest, wrapping her arms around her knees for warmth. Within minutes I hear the sliding door swing open.
"Heeey guys." Spencer's voice is smooth and calm. She has a small throw blanket wrapped around her body, a pair of short shorts and an olive green hoodie on. Her hair is thrown up into a messy bun with a pen poked through the middle of it.
"Did you bring it?" He always fails to keep his excitement down.
"Of course I brought it dweeb, chill out." She always calls him that. Or dork, or stupid, or geek. But she doesn't mean it. Spencer is like Corey's older sister. In a sick, fucked up, he'd date her if he could kind of way.
"Well then whip it out man. Let's get this party starting." I say and offer a smile to Ashley who looks more confused than ever, if not a tad bit scared.
Spencer sits down right next to Ashley and smiles brightly at her. "Hello again." Ashley just nods and weakly smiles back. The blonde pulls out the one thing me and Corey have been waiting all day for and lights it up. Inhaling deeply then passing it to me.
"Is.. is that pot?" Ashley says in a whisper.
"Yeah. Amazing pot too. It's called Grape Ape. Ever tried it?" smoke coming out of her mouth the whole time she was talking.
"I've smoked pot before yeah but not grape ape. Okay..isn't Arthur in there making dinner? Like right fucking there." Her worry makes all of us smile. I pass the doobie to Corey who scarves down a couple drags.
"He's chill. Do you want some?" Corey is leaning across the porch and offering it to her. She's hesitant. Looking at the joint then to the kitchen the back to the joint.
"Look gorgeous, if you aren't gonna take it, I will." Spencer's words cause her to smile and grab the joint from Corey, who is smiling like crazy already. Now don't get the wrong impression here, please. We aren't major pot heads. We don't blow all our money getting drugs. We don't smoke every day. It's a once or twice a week occasion that we do in the safety of our own home and out of harm's way. That's the only reason Arthur is okay with it really. Don't tell anyone, but we've got him to smoke a couple of times too…speaking of which we hear Arthur yell something but nobody can quite distinguish what he said.
Corey giggles before yelling, "WHAT?!"
Arthurs head pokes out of the slider door right as Ashley is blowing out a massive cloud of smoke. Ashley's eyes pop out of her head and she practically tosses the joint to Spencer who is happy to take it off of her hands. Mr. C's smile is from ear to ear, "Well Ashley. Looks like you're fitting in just right." She smiles and looks away, partly because she doesn't know how to react and partly because this is bomb ass weed.
"Dinner will be done in ten. Hahaha perfect timing right? Doobie before Dinner." He pops his head back through the sliding door and we all bust up laughing. I can feel the dank take over my mind…the light from the porch already seems brighter and the back yard already seems darker… if that makes any sense.
Ashley stands up and goes to walk into the house but trips over nothing, falling right onto Spencer. The brunette explodes with laugher until she realizes that she is laying on Spencer who really doesn't mind but Ashley doesn't know that. Although the drug is clouding her mind, foster instinct is still in her blood. She knows that she crossed a personal boundary line and this scares her. She quickly gets up and apologizes a couple of times.
"It's okay, Ashley, really, you can get on top of me whenever you'd like." Spencer's voice is low and raspy and I know the game she is going to play tonight. It's Spencer's favorite game and she plays with almost everyone. It's like her favorite past time, watching people practically cream their pants and knowing she's the reason. It's not hard though. One look with those dark blue lustful eyes and most people are swooning. Me included. Even when you try to deny the feelings she causes in you, they come back with a vengeance. Ashley is taken aback by the statement and blushes, frozen in the moment. Their eyes lock and I know the exact feeling Ashley is feeling right now. Spencer creates such strong emotions in people that everyone even witnessing the action feels like a part of it.
"Damnnn. Why you always gotta do that?" Corey says as he is laying on the couch, his feet now in my lap. Spencer looks over to Corey and raises an eye brow.
"Do what?" but she knows exactly what and I know she knows from the smile she has plastered on her face.
"DINNNNNEEEERRRR!!!" Arthurs voice sounds like heaven to both me and my stomach as we all get up and rush into the kitchen and grab our plates. One by one we walk down the assembly line that Arthur set up. Tonight is chicken nuggets with Mac n cheese and corn. Yum. It's my favorite.
"Where are the boys?" Spencer asks when she notices that there are only five plates set out.
"They are staying the night at Timmy's house tonight." Arthur is always the last one to dish his plate no matter what. At first I didn't know why because normally whenever I make some, I make sure I get as much as I want before I offer it to anyone else but after much thought I figured it out. The simple gesture of making us dish our plates before him shows just how much he cares about us. He wants to make sure that we get the portions we want. He wants to make sure that there is enough for us kids to eat before he eats himself. That says something special to me.
We all have our certain place at the dinner table. Arthur takes the short side of the table that is facing the door. Paula, whom is never around, takes the other short side. Glen and Clay on one side, Corey and I on the other. So tonight, Ashley and Spencer fill in for Glen and Clay.
ASHLEY POV
I'm not a big partier any more. I had my fill of black outs and hangovers. In fact I've had enough of those to not be able to remember a whole year of my life. But just because I don't party heavily anymore, doesn't mean I can't have a little fun every now and then right? It's a nice change to be able to relax. To not worry about what you say and how you act. To not worry about who you can trust and who you cannot. Right now I'm shoveling Mickey Mouse shaped nuggets into my mouth and let me tell you I have never tasted a chickenier nugget in my life. Yes, I just said chickenier, and yes it is a very good thing.
"So Ashley, how was your day?" Arthur has a huge smile on his face, creating wrinkles to ripple around his mouth.
"Uhhh…." I swallow a mouth full of cheesy goodness. "It was okie. Took a walk and it's like gorgeous around here."
"Oh yeah?" Arthur is laughing at my intoxicated ramble but at the moment, I'm okay with it. "What do you guys wanna do tomorrow?"
Everyone just kinda looks around at everyone else, shrugs, and goes back to what they were previously doing. Spencer is staring into Leigh's eyes, Leigh is practically melting in her seat, and Corey is closely examining a nugget then begins to laugh.
"What's so funny?" Spencer asks.
"For a moment I felt really bad about eating this nugget. Because I thought it was made out of many Mickey Mice. But then I realized that its chicken…and that Mickey Mouse is a cartoon." This gains a chuckle out of everyone, especially Arthur who is shaking his head back and forth. "My god. What do I let you kids do?"
"Whatever dad. Remember when the Nixes next door kept on revving their truck at like 5 in the morning?" everyone except me burst into laughter and I feel myself wanting to be a part of it. I want to have memories with someone. I want a past and a future with someone other than just myself. I want to have a family just like these people have created for themselves. I want to be in their family.
"What? What is so funny?" I find myself asking as soon as the laughter settles down at least a tad. Spencer turns slightly towards me and begins telling me the story.
"A couple months ago, our neighbors started revving their truck literally at five in the morning every morning almost all week long. After the ninth day of it happening, that night we all smoked probably five bowls at least and Arthur here came up with a "Master plan". At midnight, we dressed in all black and took a massive roll saran wrap and completely wrapped both of their cars all the way around. They couldn't get into their cars for at least an hour."
We all laugh again but not with as much oomph as the last time. Looking around the table I see that everyone's plates are cleaned off.
"Corey, it's your week for dishes right?" Arthur says while looking at him.
"Uuuuhhhhggggggg, yeeeaahh, I guess." Although the stall in his voice, he is quick to jump up and gather everyone's plate.
"It was really good. Thank you." I say. Getting a meal like this, having dinner like this, is a completely new thing to me. Arthur stops what he is doing and looks me straight into the eyes making me feel warm.
"You're welcome Ashley." He smiles slightly and continues to shuffle dishes into the kitchen. I pick up my plate and cup and walk it into the kitchen as well, setting them down by the sink where Corey is already putting suds into the water and Arthur is shoving left overs into Tupperware.
I can't help but smile when I'm walking up the stairs to go to the bathroom. Grant it, I am still very high and fully not myself, but if the second night I'm here is like this, I can't wait for tomorrow, or the next day, or the next. I don't even want to think about anything that could go wrong right now. I feel this comfort here that I can never remember feeling in my life. I like it.
As I'm washing my hands, I look at myself in the mirror and lose the warmth that I had just a few minutes ago. I don't know who I'm trying to fool here. The bags beneath my eyes are still present. The holes in my shirt are not being sewn. My hair still mangled. I don't belong in this gorgeous family. These people are warm. They trust each other. They love each other. And I can't even trust myself. How do I know I can trust them either? I can hear their laughter faintly from down stairs and it almost makes me sick. I am going against almost everything I ever learned. I'm going against every rule I have set for myself to cease getting hurt. I didn't go through two years of taking care of my schizophrenic mother and three years of foster care just to end up here and wind up getting hurt again. I won't let it happen.
This whole warm family bullshit stops here.