Atlantis Orientation 102 by ShipperWriter

A/N: Thank you all for your positive responses! I'm keeping the class short, thinking about how much Chuck would be missed if he was gone for hours on end with all the new arrivals, but I hope you enjoy this!

R&R, and more orientations will be posted!

"All right, thank you all again for joining us. Due to the fact that there will probably be an unscheduled dial in anytime and Dr. Weir will notice I'm missing, we're gonna speed up 102, 'The List', for short.

"I'd like to go ahead and introduce Major Evan Lorne, Colonel Sheppard's second in command and the leader of SGA-2. Major Lorne, welcome."

"Thanks, Chuck. I've given this portion quite a few times, so if we go over anything that you wanna stop and review, just let me know.

"All right." Click. "This is an aerial view of Atlantis. From here, you see the central location of the command tower, and the piers. Here, here, here, and here are off limits. Let me explain why."

"Umm, Major Lorne?"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"I thought this lecture was about things we shouldn't do in the City?"

"It is. These off limits areas of the City are vital to showing that point. But for the sake of time, we'll summarize it.

"Never skateboard on the rails of any of the piers. Even though Colonel Sheppard proved it is possible, had he been on Earth, he probably would've been in the hospital much longer.

"Next. Never repel down or climb up the side of the tower. Contrary to popular belief, there is not a gnome who lives in a secret lab who mysteriously saves idiots around this city. If any such idiots show themselves, they get sent home."

"And just to remind you, in conjunction with Major Lorne's statement, the slideshow, 'Red Shirts of Atlantis', has been postponed till tomorrow night. There is a scheduled dial in from Earth, and Sergeant Harriman has been kind enough to send us some new footage."

"Thanks, Chuck. Okay, we've been over the pier rails, tower climbing. Ah, okay, this particular point in this pier provides a great vantage point to view the more interesting aspects of our City. It offers a great view to Colonel Sheppard's room, as well as Doctor Weir's quarters. Any one who goes here will be demoted. And if you're a scientist, you'll be sent to work with Dr. McKay. And anyone who says they don't mind working with Dr. McKay will-"

"Thanks, Major, I think we got the point about that."

"Umm, right. Okay, moving on. Also, a number of labs in these sections still haven't been explored. Do not go there by yourself. The only situation where you should find yourselves there is one, if you are being held captive by the enemy. Take them there and hope something blows up. If you survive, good for you. If not, well, I'll say some nice things at your funeral.

"Two. Go there under the supervision of a senior Expedition member. That way, if something gets screwed up, you can blame them. They tend to go easy on the rookies the first few times. A word of warning, though: don't make this a regular habit. Dr. Weir will notice."

"Major, I think that covers all the locales that we need to avoid. Should we move on to the primary list?"

"Yeah, good idea, Chuck. I'll let you handle this part, you might've added some things to it."

"Yes, indeed. Thank you again, Major Lorne. If anyone has more questions for the major, please see him after this section is done.

"Okay. The members of this City are a close, tight knit group. In spite of that, we still like to gossip about them. Keeps things interesting. However, studies done over the past three years have conclusively proven that there are some things that we should keep mum about.

"Keep in mind, these aren't necessarily listed in order of importance. Unless I say so.

"Never gloat about McKay's accomplishments around Dr. Zelenka, or vice versa. They will accidentally find a way to short something out, and the odds are, you'll be nearby.

"Never 'accidentally' put any citrus items into McKay's vicinity. Even though we all thought he was lying, last year's citywide fair proved him right. As I recall, he was bloated for a week. Even after being stabbed with an epi pen five times.

"Never make fun of Dr. Beckett's turtles. This includes turtle soup jokes, abandonment, or kidnapping. Remember, he's the CMO. He can kill you and make it look like an accident.

"Never challenge Ronan to a dual. If you're stupid enough to do so, make sure all your affairs are in order and someone on Atlantis is listed as your next of kin. That way, we know who will be richer at week's end.

"Never say a bad word about Colonel Carter at the SGA in front of McKay.

"Never mention Simon Wallace near Dr. Weir.

"If a Wraith says they're not hungry, don't believe them."

"Umm, Mr. Chuck?"

"Heh, just Chuck is fine."

"Oh, okay. Chuck, what about the rumors about Colonel Sheppard and Doctor Weir?"

"Ooh, she's right." "I've heard about this." "What rumors?"

"Hmm. Straight to the point, I see. This is probably one of the most important points that we will discuss, and I think that we'll end our discussion after this. During the course of the past three years, there have been a number of rumors floating around the city and, now it seems, among the Athosians, the Genii, the Replicators, the Wraith … well, anyway, let me be clear. 'Doctor Weir and Colonel Sheppard are not in a romantic relationship'. You may be wondering, 'Why did he just use air quotes?' While the main reason is that I'm obligated to as a nerd, if you read between the lines, it means that I technically didn't say it, but I still said it. That way, you're off the hook, and you've never actually said anything.

"However, as your assignment on Atlantis continues, you'll see all kinds of signs. During the briefings, they almost always sit next to each other. Whenever something blows up, they always arrive together. He prefers to sit on her desk, rather than a chair. If something goes wrong, he is the first person she looks to. And, of course, there is the eye sex. It can look like they're having a staring contest while mentally undressing each other. Again, we didn't see anything. Let's repeat that, okay?"

"We didn't see anything." "We didn't see anything." "We didn't see anything."

"Good. Another important rule in regards to our bosses is, and probably one of the most important rules that you should tape to your mirror, never open a storage supply closet. They're small, convenient, and never locked. If you are-" Clears throat. "-fortunate enough to accidentally find them, Doctor Heightmeyer, our city's resident psychologist, offers a weekly support group. They meet every Tuesday evening in her office."

"Uh, Chuck, mind if I jump back in?"

"Not at all, Major, go ahead."

"Another reminder is to never indicate that Doctor Weir has allowed her personal feelings for Colonel Sheppard or other members of the Expedition to jeopardize her command decisions. One such individual, who shall remain nameless until tomorrow night's slideshow-" Coughs. "-Kavanagh- was almost attacked by Doctor Weir upon his suggestion of that."

"Lorne? Whatcha doing?"

"Colonel Sheppard … wasn't expecting you down here tonight. Chuck, how does he even know where this room is?"

"Uh-oh." "Ooh, he's hot." "No wonder Doc-"

"You wanna finish that sentence, Lieutenant?"

"No, sir."

"Ya sure?"

"Yes, sir."

Nods. "Chuck, good job! Did I miss the 'red shirt' show?"

"Phew! I mean, uh, actually, sir, we were just wrapping up 102. Slide show got moved to tomorrow night."

"Aw, crap, I was really wanting to see that. Oh, by the way, if anyone wants to make any bets about a certain colonel and a certain doctor … make sure said colonel and doctor are unaware. Because if they find out, they take a 25% cut."

"Thank you, Colonel? Okay. 102 is done. Please make sure to fill out the forms in your packets and return them to me ASAP. If anyone cares to come for the slideshow, we'll be starting tomorrow night at 1800 hours. Thanks for coming."

Next time: "Red Shirt of Atlantis: a slideshow presentation to former Expedition members"