Chapter 2: Mmm…Supa-Pulpy!
"All right, here's the plan: Link, you go in through the left automatic door and take over the meat and dairy aisle. Marth, you go in through the right automatic door and guard the cleaning and home care products. Me, I'll go in through the front, circle around, and end up in snack food and chips. Got it? Okay men; move out!"
"Uh, Roy? I don't think we need a battle plan to go grocery store shopping," Link commented. The three swordsmen were standing in the parking lot of the huge grocery store, the Food Mongoose.
"Oh." Roy scratched his head. "Sorry. Old habit, I guess."
"Come on guys—I have some hairspray coupons, and I'm burning to use 'em!" Marth squealed. "Let's go on inside!" With that, he ran in through the doors of the grocery store, Link and Roy following closely behind.
"Food Mongoose?" Link scoffed. "What a stupid name!" However, Link didn't have much time to laugh, because he tripped and fell on his face. Link should know it is not wise to make fun of a name the author came up with (all by herself). It makes her mad.
Roy helped Link up, and together they walked though the sliding doors. Once they got inside, they were blasted with the too-high air conditioning, and their ears were bombarded with the obnoxious overhead loudspeaker, saying how there was assistance needed for a Popsicle clean-up in aisle seven. A guy dressed in a giant pink mongoose costume was handing out balloons, and little children ran around screaming. The place just reeked of evil.
Again, Link pulled out his sword. "I swear," he murmured, "I will defeat whatever wickedness curses this place, and then I shall obtain the pulpless orange juice! Come Marth, come Roy, let us—" He then realized Marth and Roy had already left without him again, and several people were staring at him. Link sighed deeply. "It's just not fair." Once again putting away his sword in defeat, Link ran off in search of the orange juice section.
Meanwhile in the Grilling Accessories aisle, Roy was looking for matches and other flame-inducing instruments. However, he soon noticed a little girl staring at him.
He tried to ignore her staring by comparing prices on different brands of lighter fluid, but she just kept on staring, and staring, and staring, and staring, and staring. Finally, Roy could take no more.
"What's your problem, kid?" he grunted at her.
"Why are you wearing a dress, mister?" she asked innocently, pulling the teddy bear she was holding close to her and opening her eyes as wide as they would go.
However, a little known fact about Roy: He is resistant to the cuteness of young children, no matter how wide they open their little eyes and how close they hug their little teddy bears. For this reason, Roy can seem a little, uh, harsh at times, to put it mildly.
"It's not a dress," Roy snarled. "It's a, uh…a long over-shirt…thing. Yeah. But why would you care anyway? Huh, ya little punk? Got a problem with my clothes, little punk?" He glared at the little girl.
She burst into tears. "WAAAAHHHHHHH! You're a meanie! WAAAAHHHHHHH!"
Another little known fact about Roy: When he hears a kid crying, he erupts into a mad outburst of homicidal rage.
"GAAAAAHHH!" Roy emitted a primal roar. "Come here, you little kid! YOU SHALL PERISH!"
"AHHHHHHH!" the little girl screamed, and ran away as fast as she could. Roy went to chase her, but suddenly his mad outburst of homicidal rage ended. He stood in the aisle feeling confused and holding two cans of light fluid, one three dollars and ninety-five cents (without tax), and the other at half the price (for a limited time ONLY!).
"Where am I?" he asked himself. Roy looked around him. All the people in the aisle were staring at him fearfully and slowly inching away. Roy just shrugged and thought nothing of it. People always seemed to be afraid of him. Who knows why that was.
Carrying an abundant supply of lighter fluid, matches, and other assorted flammable items, Roy moseyed out of the Grilling Accessories aisle. He then began searching for the only real reason people go to the grocery store: The Candy and Other Sugary Confections aisle!
While Roy was off scaring children out of their socks and Marth was who knows where, Link was wandering around in confusion. Not that he didn't do that normally, because Link wasn't exactly the sharpest paring knife in the cutlery drawer; but right now, he felt even more lost than usual.
Link ambled down the Frozen Dinners, Fish Sticks, and Imported Sorbets aisle, even though he had been through it several times before. He just liked looking at all the pictures on the boxes of the families happily smiling over the slabs of meat that look so nice on the package but actually look like a load of crap once you take them out and microwave them. They all made him think of a life he had never had, one where he could sit around a dinner table and talk with his loved ones, and—
Suddenly Link, not looking where he was going, bumped straight into someone. He found himself face-to-face with the Food Mongoose Assistant Manager Vice President Of Financing and Other Important Jobs Executive (according to his badge). He did not look very happy.
"Excuse me, sir," the Food Mongoose Assistant Manager Vice President Of Financing and Other Important Jobs Executive sniffed in a high, nasally voice. "But you have been wandering around the store aimlessly for quite some time now, and at Food Mongoose, we do not allow that. Bad for business, you know."
Link looked him straight in the eye. "My name is Link, and I am on a mission…to obtain the pulpless orange juice," the noble swordsman proclaimed, unsheathing his sword and waving it majestically.
The Food Mongoose Assistant Manager Vice President Of Financing and Other Important Jobs Executive's frown deepened. "Yeah, um…that thing you're doing, with the sword? Not allowed."
Link dejectedly put away his sword. "Did I sound cool, at least?"
The Food Mongoose Assistant Manager Vice President Of Financing and Other Important Jobs Executive shook his head no. "That's not allowed, either. Frightens the customers."
"Can you at least tell me where to find the orange juice?" Link asked exasperatedly.
"I'm afraid that's classified information, sir." The Food Mongoose Assistant Manager Vice President Of Financing and Other Important Jobs Executive turned and left to go yell at his employees and not give them raises for fun.
Link decided to just wander about until he found the orange juice aisle. He entered the next row and walked along it quietly, but he soon began to realize that the shelves were filled with cartons of…orange juice! It dawned on Link that he had found the orange juice aisle at long last! It was a miracle! Hallelujah and all that jazz!
However, Link inspected one of the orange juice labels more closely. He was horrified when he found it read "X-TRA PULPY!" He hurriedly looked to the next carton; that one read "MEGA PULPY ACTION!" He began running down the row, reading all the orange juice labels, and becoming more worried with each one: "YUM YUM! LOTSA PULP!", "ALL PULP—JUICE FREE!", "ADDED PULP! CONTAINS NO CYANIDE THIS TIME!", "SUPA-PULP! 'WE WERE FINALLY APPROVED BY THE FDA' SPECIAL CELEBRATION CARTON!", and finally, the worst of the bunch in Link's opinion: "PULP-FREE…HAHA! JUST KIDDING, LOSER!"
When Link finally came to the end of the row, he collapsed in defeat. "They're all…pulpy…there is no…pulpless…left! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Oh no…what will Link do? Will our valiant hero fail his quest? Is the world pulpless-orange-juice-less forever? Find out in the next installment of "The Quest for the Pulpless Orange Juice"!
xxx
Wow, try saying that five times fast…
Pulplessorangejuicelesspulplessorangejuicelesspulplessorangejuicelesspulplessorangejuiceless…
Anyway, thanks for reading.