Chapter 2: Holy Crap
Opening Credits
It seems today that all ya see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those good, old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely
Lucky there's a Family Guy!
Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh n' Cry
He's
a
Fam
-ily
Guy!
End
It was just another regular day in the Griffin house and the Griffins (minus Peter) were watching TV as usual.
On the TV, it showed a woman talking with a doctor in his office.
"Mrs. Lipstein, I have bad news." The doctor gravely informed his patient, "The tumor's malignent. I'm afraid you only have six months to live."
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Lipstein reacted to the news.
Then the "got milk?" campaign logo popped up.
"Got milk?" The narrator questioned.
Cuts back to the family on the couch.
"That commercial made no sense!" Tyler acknowledged.
After that, Peter appeared and turned off the TV with the remote.
"Hey, listen up, everybody!" Peter said to the family, "Your Grandpa Griffin is finally retiring."
"Grandpa Griffin?" Meg asked her father.
"Who's he?" John also asked as he, Meg, Chris, Stewie and Tyler turned to Lois.
"Is he that guy that smells like firewood and has those big gray pussywillows in his ears?" Chris asked Lois, whose eyes popped at the last thing Chris mentioned.
"Chris, that's a terrible word." Lois said to Chris, "'Pussywillows'."
"My dad worked at that mill for 60 years." Peter lamented while looking at a picture of a mill, "That's almost 80 years." He walked over to the family, "Tomorrow night, they're throwing a big dinner and we're all gonna be there to honor him."
"Why?" Meg asked Peter, "We barely know him."
"And we never met him." John joined in, "That includes me and Tyler."
"Yeah, how come he never visits us?" Chris soon asked.
"Maybe he hates us." Tyler assumed.
"No, Tyler. It's not that." Lois affirmed to Tyler, "You see, kids, your grandfather has never been comfortable with the fact that I'm not Catholic."
It then flashbacked to Peter and Lois' wedding just as their leaving the church. But when they reached the limo, they were surprised to find the sign behind it, "Just Married" had another sign underneath it reading, "To a Protestant Whore."
It then cut back to present day.
"Hey, hey, hey, dad loves all of us." Peter assured the family, "He-He's just too busy working to show it. He's been that way ever since I was a kid."
Cutaway #1
It was set at a father-son picnic where a man was on a stage announcing the results of a previous event.
"And now the winners of the father-son three-legged race." The man announced holding up a ribbon, "First place, Bobby Hammill and his dad." He then gave it to a boy whose leg was tied together with his father's as they moved along.
"Second place, Jimmy Lawson and his dad." He then announced and handed another ribbon to another boy with his father and they moved along.
"Third place, Peter Griffin and a stalk of corn." He announced just bluntly, then just pinned the ribbon onto the stalk tied to the young Peter.
End
"Well, now that he's retiring, me and him can finally spend some time together." Peter continued, "I want us to have one of those father-son moments, like on TV. You know, where we hug and the music goes, La-la-laaaa."
It then panned to show a band next to the stairs behind Peter and they played the song Peter was singing earlier.
"Like that?" Tyler asked Peter.
"Yeah, Tyler, just like that." Peter replied and turned to the band, "Thanks, boys."
"Hey, can you guys do that fluttery thing like when the Brady kids run down the stairs?" Brian asked the band, who played the theme while the kids from The Brady Bunch then appeared running down the stairs, from Brian's exact words. However, Cindy stopped at the last minute.
"I don't want to tattle, but is Bobby really a doctor?" Cindy asked before departing, followed by the trombone player doing a short sputter.
The scene shifted to the Quahog Mariners Banquet Hall, which was where Peter's father's dinner was being held; the sign also had a slogan underneath reading, "Now free of that urine smell". Inside, the Griffins were eating with Peter's father, who was the only one eating at the moment.
"Mom, I can't eat." Meg whispered to Lois, "I'm too grossed out by grandpa's ears."
"Tell me about it." John agreed, "For a second, I thought they were the hedges back when we were living at Cherrywood."
"I know." Chris soon joined in as he leaned a bit looking at his grandfather's earhair, "They're like a big, gray enchanted forest."
"Kids, your grandfather's ears are not gross." Lois told the kids, "And they are certainly not an enchanted fo- TYLER!"
It soon showed Tyler leaning at Peter's father's ears with a magnifying glass.
"Hey, it is like an enchanted forest." Tyler acknowledged Chris' comment, "I can even see gnomes."
It then panned from a shot of the old man's face to the inside of the ear Tyler was looking into as wind was blowing through the hair as if it were long grass. Then, actual gnomes came out of the hair.
"Let us run to the meadow and dance." The gnome on the right said to his partner in an unknown language.
"You first." The other gnome replied, "I'm self-conscious."
Cuts back to the dinner and showed a man walking up to a podium with a partyblower. He then blew it.
"But seriously, tonight we here at Pawtucket Mill celebrate the career of our oldest and most dedicated employee, Francis Griffin." The man announced as he then started applauding for the latter, "Francis."
Everyone else joined in on the applause as Francis got out from his chair and went up to the podium. Peter then whistled and went back to applauding for his father. Francis received his award, which was a pocket watch and went to the microphone.
"At mass this morning, it occurred to me that I may never see any of your faces again." Francis speeched to everyone, "I just want to say that Jesus loves you. But in my eyes, you're a bunch of sinners and slackers who forced a hard-working old man to retire." He then picked up his watch, "So, you can take this shiny watch and shove it!" He discarded the watch in the distance.
Everyone gasped in shock of what just happened, except for Stewie, who appeared glad instead.
"I adore this man!" Stewie praised.
"Shut it, mutant." John and Tyler said to Stewie in unison. They then looked back at Francis.
"Wow, I see him differently now." Tyler remarked.
"You and me both." John replied.
It cut to the family driving home with Francis.
"Hey, that was some speech, dad." Peter said to Francis.
"Yes, it's a shame grandma wasn't there to hear it." Lois said in the back.
"Bless her heart." Francis remarked, "She's on another one of her prayer missions in Las Vegas."
Cutaway #2
It cut to an elderly woman at a poker table in a casino.
"Hit me, you five-card stud." The grandmother said to the card dealer, then hackingly couch, "Cocktail!"
End
"Aye, she's a rose." Francis reminisced, "It's a pity you couldn't find yourself a nice Irish-Catholic girl, Peter." This caught both Peter and Lois off-guard.
"Ohohohoh, Francis, this must be embarassing for you." Lois sarcastically chuckled at Francis' comment, "But I'm in the car."
"So, tell us about yourself, Mr. Griffin." Tyler said to Francis.
"What do you want to know?" Peter asked Tyler.
"Not you." Tyler told Peter, "Your dad."
"Oh. Well, now that you mentioned it, since my dad is now retired, he's coming to stay with us." Peter said and then turned to Francis, "You hear that, dad? No more excuses. I'm putting my foot down." Peter slammed the brakes, where John, Tyler and Brian were then flung forward and hit the front.
"Geez, guys, buckle up." Peter said to John, Tyler and Brian now on the car floor and went back to his dad, "Eh, what do you say, dad?"
"I don't want to be a bother." Francis responded.
"Uh, it's no bother, is it, Lois?" Peter said and asked Lois.
"Of course not." Lois assured sarcastically while rolling her eyes upward, "It'll be fun."
"You're a good woman, Lois." Francis praised Lois, "Perhaps you won't burn in Hell after all. What's that place where all the lost souls and unbaptized babies go to again?"
"Purgatory?" Tyler said on the ground.
"Ah, there we are." Francis said.
"Eh, there you go, Lois." Peter assured to Lois, "You love kids."
"That reminds me." Francis acknowledged and turned to Peter, "Peter..."
"Yes, dad?" Peter answered.
"... Who are these two on the floor?" Francis asked about John and Tyler.
It was now time for bed as John was walking out of the bathroom in his pajamas. Tyler also came out of the bathroom, also in PJs and they were both about to head for bed when they noticed Peter and Lois by the door of Stewie's room.
"What's going on over here?" Joh asked Peter and Lois at what they were doing.
"Hey, boys. Heh, look at that." Peter said to John, "Dad's reading Stewie to sleep, just like he never did for me." The last part had both John, Tyler and Lois with shocked looks on their faces.
Stewie was on Francis's lap while he was reading from his Bible.
"So God cast the pagans and sinners into the fiery bowls of Hell..." He closed the Bible as he read it and took Stewie to his crib and tucked him in, "... where their flesh burned in agony forever and ever."
This made Stewie satisfied with excitement as he then happily began sucking his thumb before going to sleep.
"The End." Francis greeted Stewie goodnight.
(A/N: Okay, I know this was meant as a joke, but where exactly in the Bible does it say what Francis supposedly read? Seriously. I've read the whole New Testament and I never found anything like that. Sorry, I got a bit touchy on my religion. Anyway...)
"Ah, children love a good bedtime story from the Bible." Francis said.
"Yes, charming." Brian remarked on Francis' comment, "Like when God told Abraham to kill Isaac?"
Cutaway #3
It then cut to Abraham Lincoln with... Isaac from The Love Boat, who was serving a woman her drink. Suddenly, Abraham pulled out two pistols and shot Isaac, leaving the woman in panic.
End
"You do know that God was just testing him, right?" John asked Brian.
"Whatever..." Brian shrugged off John's question and left, leaving him alone with Tyler, Peter, Lois and Francis.
Then early the next morning, Peter in a suit bursted through the kitchen door and opened up a seat for Francis, who took it.
"(Yawn) That was a lovely service, Francis." Lois complimented.
"Super." Meg came in and replied, "And only three more hours till school."
"I would've preferred just going on Sundays." John said, also coming in along with Tyler.
"I didn't even know there was a 5:00 am mass." Chris acknowledged about his discovery, "I didn't even know there was a 5:00 am. What else haven't you told me?!"
"Now, I-I rather like this God fellow." Stewie also acknowledged, "He's very theatrical, you know. You have pestilence here and have a plague there. Omnipotence! Got to get me some of that."
"Uh, yes. We-We all enjoy reading the Bible in this house." Peter said trying to get his father's approval.
"Really?" Francis responded, "What's your favorite book of the Bible?"
"Uh... uh..." Peter stuttered trying to come up with an excuse to help him pass by, "Uh, the one where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the man in the big yellow hat has to take him to the hospital?" Peter then gave out a nervous grin on his face in hopes that it worked. Francis, however, only gave Peter an unsatisfied glare, leaving Peter disappointed.
Later that day, Tyler was banging on the bathroom door.
"Open the door, Chris!" Tyler ordered Chris, who was the one occupying the bathroom, "I gotta go!"
Francis passed by and moved Tyler aside and started banging on the door in Tyler's place.
"You heard the young man, open this door!" Francis ordered, "Open it, I say!"
The toilet flushed and Chris opened the door.
"Sorry, grandpa." Chris apologized, "Uh, Tyler, you might want to give that a minute or two."
"I know what you're doing in there..." Francis said to Chris, "...and it's a sin!"
"What?" Tyler asked Francis, "Going to the bathroom?"
"No..." Francis replied as he leaned in and whispered into Tyler's ear what he meant.
"What's that?" Tyler asked, still in confusion.
Francis whispered into Tyler's ear again.
"Oh." Tyler replied, understanding now, but then thought, "Wait, I don't think-"
"And if you ever do it again, boy, you'll burn in Hell!" Francis threateningly warned Chris.
"But I do it every day." Chris informed Francis, "Sometimes twice."
"Mark my words. Both of you." Francis said to both Chris and Tyler, "You may think you're alone in there, but God's watchin'." Then focused on Chris, "Don't do it again!" He finally stormed off.
"God's watching me do number 2?" Chris asked, "Oh, man, I'm a sinner and God's a pervert."
"Chris, I think he might've got it confused with something else." Tyler reassured Chris, "And besides, God's not a pervert."
Next, Meg was walking into the patio while coming home from school.
"MEGAN!" Francis shouted from in a chair behind Meg, startling her, then lowered his voice, "How was school?"
Meanwhile, in the living room, John was passing by drinking a soda, when he then heard Meg's voice from behing the patio door.
"Uh, good." Meg responded calmly from inside the patio, where John leaned in and eavesdrop on the conversation, "Kevin walked me home."
"Kevin?" Francis asked in confusion.
"He, uh, lives next door." Meg informed him.
"He lives next door..." Francis repeated, "...to a harlot!"
Hearing what the old man said caught John by surprise.
"What?!" John reacted.
"Grandpa, we were just holding hands." Meg informed Francis.
"Well, it'll be easy for him to take your hand when God strikes your sinful heart with leprosy." Francis remarked, "He can take it right home with him!"
John couldn't believe what he was hearing as he got outraged by this injustice and bursted in.
"John?" Meg exclaimed.
"Hey, look, gramps! I don't care what you heard or believe in..." John protested against Francis, "...you do not talk about your granddaughter like that! Ever!"
"And who are you?" Francis asked John.
"You're kidding." John said, "We just met, like, last night. Remember?"
"Oh, yes. Yes, I remember now." Francis replied, "But why are you here?"
"He lives here with us." Meg explained.
"So, this boy lives with a harlot? Has this house have no shame?!" Francis asumed, "But more importantly, why shouldn't I talk about my granddaughter?"
"Well, because last time I checked, judging others for doing even ordinary things in their lives drags you to Hell!"
Francis didn't respond for a moment or two to John's answer.
"Lord, it's great to see you kids." Francis remarked as he gave Meg a farewell kiss and left the room.
"Hey, uh, John." Meg said to John, "About what you said to my grandfather, why did you do that?"
"Come on, we're friends. Remember? Friends stick by each other's side." John responded, "And besides, he's your grandfather. He shouldn't be saying those mean things, especially towards his own grandchildren."
"Gee. Um... thanks, John." Meg thanked John as she left the room feeling a bit touched about what John said. Though, she still felt a little uneasy about what her grandfather had said.
John was the last to enter the living room where he found Lois, Brian and Tyler watching The Dick Van Dyke Show.
On the TV was the intro to said show, where the main character entered his home and greeted his wife and son. He then walks into the living room and trips on the footstool. He gets back up, but ends up tripping on and stattering a glass coffee table, leaving with several shards of glass impaled all over his body. He screams in agony and tries to pull out the glass shards, but backs up into the ironing board, where the iron lands directly on his face and burning it. He agains screams in pain and backs up while his hands are on his face. He soon ends up in the kitchen and slips on a wet puddle on the floor, slipping and smashing right into an active oven. He gets caught on fire and plummets on the kitchen table and he tries to get back up by holding ont the handle of one of the drawers, but the drawer is pulled out and had a bunch of utensils inside which land right at his face. He quickly gets back up and tries to pull the utensils out, but for some reason, a car bursts through the wall and crushes him.
Cuts back to living room.
Francis is right next to the TV with the remote and turns it off.
"Francis, we were watching that." Lois said to Francis annoyed.
"Now we'll never know how it ends!" Tyler said in outrage.
"Well, I'll tell you how it ends." Francis told them, "Laura burns the roast and God kills her for parading her bum around in those pants!"
"Thanks for ruining the ending!" Tyler said to Francis in outrage as he storm out of the room.
Then, it cut to a baseball game at night. Peter was there with Francis, hoping for a chance to bond.
"Yeah, not a bad way to kick off your retirement, huh, dad?" Peter said to Francis, "Yeah, the magic of baseball has brought fathers and sons together for millions of years."
Francis, however, only shrugs it off and wasn't interested at all.
"Stewie's having fun." Peter acknowledged looking at Stewie.
"Why-Why does that man drop his club before he runs around?" Stewie qondered, "I'd bring it with me!"
"That's a baseball bat, Stewie." Tyler reassured Stewie, "You're supposed to drop it."
"He's right, Stewie." John agreed, "If he had brought it with him, then he would be out."
"DAMN!" Stewie cursed.
"Hey, who wants a Fenway frank, eh?" Peter suggested, "Nothing says, 'Please talk to me, daddy,' like a Fenway frank."
"That's true." Tyler agreed."
"Is there a bathroom here?" Chris asked, "I don't think I can wait anymore."
"In a public restroom, lad?" Francis questioned Chris, "For the good of your soul, show some restraint." This caused Chris to sit back down in defeat and pain.
He-Hey, hot dog guy!" Peter called out to the hot dog salesman.
"I'll get him." Francis insisted.
"Mr. Griffin, they bring them to you." Tyler reassured Francis.
"Well, la-de-da." Francis said.
"It's called 'customer service'." John then told Francis, "Ever thought of that?"
"I don't need my food brought to me. I'm not a broken-down old mule! I can still work! I can still take orders!" Francis then headed up the bleachers and stormed off.
"No, that's not what I meant!" John called out to Francis, "UGH! Stubborn, old man."
"Oh, hey! Hey, look! Hey, dad! Hey, dad, look! Hey, dad! Dad! You gotta... L-Look!" Peter called to Francis as he jumped up and pointed at the scoreboard, where it's display screen played a special message showing an image of Peter blowing a "love-you" kiss while it read, "DAD I LOVE YOU - PETER." Peter looked up and realized Francis was already gone to see it, "Uh, look! Aw, crap. That was money well spent."
Eventually, Peter was home in the living room staring out the window while John, Tyler, Lois and Brian are gathered around the couch.
"He just left without saying anything?" Lois asked Peter about what happened at the game, "Wh-Where would he go?"
"Maybe he went back to work." Tyler guessed.
"I don't know." Peter answered as he turned to her, "I-I just asked him to buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks. And besides, Tyler, my dad's retired. You know that."
"I think that's a possibility." John stated agreeing with Tyler's suggestion.
"I don't care if he ever comes back." Brian then said, which gave looks of shock and surprise from Peter, Lois, John and Tyler. No one said anything for a few seconds.
"Are you finishing the song, or do you really mean that?" Tyler asked Brian deciding to break the silence.
"I wasn't being cute. I really hope he's dead." Brian answered.
"I can live with that." John replied.
It then cut to Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons on Channel 5 News on the TV.
"Well, Tom, the city of Boston is examining its conscience tonight in preparation for a visit from The Pope." Diane said to Tom.
"That's right, Diane. And I'll tell you what else will be examined; my cock here." Tom then said to her seemingly suggestively, until he pulls up a rooster (aka cock), "Yes, the Rhode Island Cock Society will be sponsoring free check-ups for this year's Cock Awareness Week." He placed the rooster on the table, "I don't know why they went with such a suggestive name. They could've just as easily gone with 'rooster.' Diane?"
(A/N: Originally, they wanted Tom to say "My cock." So, since my version of Family Guy will feature all the material they weren't able to put into their episodes, I thought I might do them a favor.)
Cuts back to everyone on the couch. Peter was looking out the window again.
"I'm tellin' ya, something must've happened to him." Peter panicked, "H-He's probably hurt, o-or lost, or-or, shanghaied by pirates!..."
"What now?" Tyler exclaimed.
"...That renegade pirate ship captained by the ruthless Peg Leg Swantoon!" Peter soon said when the phone rang and Brian got up to answer.
"Peter, calm down." Lois reassured Peter, "It's his first night of retirement. He's probably out enjoying himself."
"He's in jail." Brian corrected still holding the phone.
It cut to the Quahog Police Department. Inside, a police officer was escorting Francis out as the family bailed him out.
"Dad. My God, are you okay?" Peter asked running to Francis in worry and got slapped in the face by the latter.
"Don't be using the Lord's name in vain!" Francis threatened.
"He's okay." Peter said in relief, "Thank God!" Soon after, Francis slapped him again.
"Uh, you do realize what he said there actually a blessing, right?" John asked Francis to see if he was aware of that, but got slapped in the face without answer.
"I'll take that as a 'no.'" John then assumed.
"Uh, seems like he broke into the old mill after hours." The officer explained what happened, "We found him working on a kick press."
"Dad, you left the ball game with me to go work in a mill?" Peter asked Francis realizing the situation.
"Now that is a sin!" John stated in disgust.
"Yes!" Francis answered breaking away from the policeman, "I want to work! I want my job back!"
"But, dad, you're retired." Peter reminded him.
"I'd rather be dead." Francis responded.
"Dead? I'll tell you what's dead. Vaudeville." A man dressed in barbershop quartet attire said to Francis appearing out of nowhere, much to everyone's confusion, "You know what killed "em?"
"What killed them?" Tyler asked the man.
"The talkie pictures. That's what." The man answered.
"Of course!" Tyler exclaimed.
"But you can still make it, kid." The man said turning to Francis, "You just gotta have a gimmick. I, for one, am a tumbler. Here, watch my round-off. Ooff." The man then tried to pull off a tumble-roll, but ended up lying on his back on the floor, "Hey, kiddo, be a sport. Take the pills out of my pocket and put one on my tongue." He then looked at Lois, "Hey, honey, you want to be in the pictures?"
Later that same night, the family was back at the house. Peter was in the kitchen with Lois, John, Tyler and Brian.
"I don't get it, Lois." Peter said to Lois, who was pouring herself a cup of coffee, "Baseball's always been the secret to male bonding. It even worked for Rosie O'Donnell and his father in A League of Their Own."
"Peter, I hate to say this, but it doesn't seem like your dad isn't interested in bonding with you." Lois assured Peter, "All he cares about is work."
"Wait a second. Work! That's what'll bring us together." Peter acknowledged after his lightbulb lit (not literally), "We can start our own father-son business."
"You mean like Sanford & Son?" Tyler asked Peter.
"Yeah, exactly like Sanford & Son!" Peter answered.
It then shows what they meant. Inside Peter's imagination, everything was that of the TV show Sanford & Son, with Peter as Lamont Sanford, where he opened the backdoor of his truck and a couple of bathtubs pour right out of there, and Francis as Fred, the main character of the show.
"Hey!" Fred (Francis) called to Lamont (Peter), "Watcha doin' with all them bathtubs, you heathen dummy?"
"Pop, why you gotta be like that?" Lamont (Peter) asked back, "We cut 'em in half, stick a Virgin Mary in them and sell them as shrines." He then showed his father a custom Virgin Mary shrine made from the half of a bathtub.
"That my boy." Fred praised, "At least, that's what your mama always told me. Now gimme a hug before I gave ya a knuckle sandwich." Both father and son then hugged in rejoice.
Right after that, it cut back to reality with Peter hugging himself in front of Lois, John, Tyler and Brian.
"Wow." Tyler exclaimed, "Forgive me for saying this, but that... was sad."
"Or you could just get your father a job with you at the toy factory." Lois soon suggested.
"That's an even better idea!" Peter acknowledged Lois' suggestion, "Lois, you're a genius. Now give me a hug before I give you a knuckle sandwich." The sound of that gave Lois a look of worry on her face as she backed away a bit from Peter, while John, Tyler and Brian just simply walked away.
"Peter. Peter, I can't hug you." Lois stated hoping he'll stop, but he kept coming toward her, "Peter, cut it out. Peter, I'm serious. Peter!" She then suckerpunched Peter in the stomach.
The next morning, Peter and the boys took Francis to their workplace, where they were showing him around.
"...And this is the nerve center of the whole factory, my station." Peter explained to Francis, "I assemble our new action figure, Zeek, the moody drifter."
"You mean to tell me you stand here all day playing with dolls?" Francis questioned Peter's job.
"No, you're not getting the message." John reassured Francis, "He assembles toys."
"Yeah, it's not easy." Peter agreed, "See-See, I gotta twist on his head and stick a tiny pack of smokes in his torn denim jacket." He then held up the said toy in front so Francis could see. He pressed the button on the back of the toy.
The toy then produces a a slight cough.
"Any of you kids want to see a dead body?" The action figure then asked.
"I do!" Tyler answered.
"Too bad, kid." The action figure told Tyler.
"Awww..." Tyler moped in disappointment.
Mr. Weed then passed by them.
"Oh! Uh, w-wait here, dad." Peter said to Francis handing him the action figure and running over to Mr. Weed, "Hey, uh, Mr. Weed?"
"Peter." Mr. Weed greeted back.
"Listen, I was wonderin' if you might have a job for my dad." Peter asked Mr. Weed.
"Your father?" Mr. Weed repeated, "He must be a man of at least 70."
"Oh, yeah, but he's in great shape, eh?" Peter reassured, "Well, uh, except his prostate. Man, 2:00 AM last night, I thought a horse was using the bathroom."
"Peter." Francis called to Peter where the camera zoomed to Francis with all of the action figures finished, "All finished. What's next?"
Everyone gathered around Francis and stared in amazement at the latter's work.
"I don't believe it." John responded in disbelief.
"You did my whole day's work in five minutes." Peter said to Francis.
"That's impossible!" Tyler exclaimed.
"We should sell you to the circus, you freak!" Peter then praised Francis, then teasingly elbowed the latter.
"I've never seen such productivity." Mr. Weed acknowledged, "How is this possible?"
"I'll tell you how it's possible." Peter told Mr. Weed, "Because this man always put his job before everything else; his wife, his health, even his own son. Especially his own son."
"I need hear no more." Mr. Weed told Peter, "Everyone, this is your new shop foreman." He leans in and shakes Francis' hand, "Welcome abaord, sir. Lead as you see fit." He then left.
"Dad, after all these years, you and me together, side by side, father and son. Eh?" Peter said to Francis.
"Peter, this is truly a miracle." Francis acknowledged in gratitude, "I'm so grateful."
"Oh, hold that thought." Peter halted Francis, "Hey, boys. You're on."
The band from earlier in the episode were right there and played the first piece of music they did earlier.
"Go ahead, dad." Peter told Francis reaching his arms out to him, expecting a hug. Francis, however, knelt down and prayed.
"Thank you, Jesus." Francis prayed, "I have a purpose in life again." He got back up, "Hey!" He then shouted viciously at everyone and suddenly pulled out a whip, "Break up the sewing circle and get back to work!"
It was later night time back at home. Everyone was in the kitchen ready for dinner, while Stewie was reading a Bible.
"My, my, what a thumping good read!" Stewie astonished, "Lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to two-by-fours. I say, you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh."
"Oh. Please don't say 'pooh.'" Chris begged Stewie in pain as he got up and left the room.
Suddenly, Peter bursts open the door whilst collasping onto the ground.
"Peter, are you alright?" Lois asked Peter in concern, "Where's your father?"
"Still at the factory." Peter answered, "He's turning the break room into a chapel."
"A chapel?" Lois repeated, "Where will you all eat lunch?"
"Lois, lunch is a sin." Peter informed Lois sarcastically, "Taking a break is a sin. Bestiality is a sin. I'm not sure how that came up exactly, but me? Me and dad have never been closer. Having him at the factory is the best-" Peter soon passed out where his unconscious nogin got impaled by a fork he was wielding upwards, but it wasn't deep. Just by the tips. This left everyone caught by surprise and a bit of horror.
The next day, all the employees were working as fast as they could while quickly assembling the action figures non-stop and repeatedly saying "I got it."
"Hey, Peter, your dad stinks." One of the employees told Peter, "I'm working triple shifts and I'm still not Employee of the Week. Ho-How am I supposed to compete with that?" He then lifted his arm up to show a small portrait of Jesus, Who Is Employee of the Week.
"Hey, where is He anyway?" Peter asked.
Cutaway #4
It cut to a couple of men playing golf.
"Well, Rick. This'll be for my fourth birdie." A man in yellow golfing attire said to a man in light-blue golfing attire, "Looks like someone's going to be cleaning out my apartment for a month."
"Oh, come on, Jesus." The other man prayed, "Please help me make this shot." He then took a stroke and tapped the ball to the hole. But it soon seemingly stopped right at the edge of the hole.
"Ohhh. Tough luck, Richard." Golfer #1 said to the golfer.
While everyone was about to leave, the ball then instantly fell into the hole.
"Hey, boss. The ball just went in!" One of the men who accompanied the golfers told Golfer #1.
"WHAT?!" Golfer #1 exclaimed in disbelieved.
"Yes!" Golfer #2 cheered, "Thank You, Jesus!"
It soon showed Jesus in Heaven.
"Your welcome." Jesus said to the golfer.
End
"Back to work, all of you!" Francis ordered everyone outside his office, "What's going on here?"
"Uh, dad." Peter asked Francis, "Uh, some of the guys think that.. Well, since you took over, work is no fun."
Elsewhere, John and Tyler visited and decided to give Peter some lunch, despite the latter not allowed when they stumbled across Peter's discussion with Francis.
"Work's not supposed to be fun." Francis told Peter.
"But why not?" Peter asked.
"Why not?" Francis repeated in disgust, "WHY NOT?! That's Satan talking! You're a failure as a worker and as a father!"
Hearing this finally got Peter to think otherwise.
"Now wait a minute." Peter stood up and protested, "I may not be perfect, but at least I love my kids enough not to spend every minute of the day working! I'm a damn good father, and that's more than anyone can say about you!"
This got everyone by surprise, even John, Tyler and Francis.
"Peter, you've never spoken to me like that before..." Francis acknowledged, "... You're fired!" Francis then slapped Peter hard in the face.
"HEY, YOU!" John shouted to Francis, "I WANT TO HAVE A WORD WITH YOU!" John then walked over to Francis with Tyler, "Not only have you proven you're a horrible father figure, but even since me and my buddy've gotten to know you, we've seen what you truly are."
"Oh. So, you finally see me as a righteous Man of God and have come for my forgiveness." Francis assumed.
"No, you don't deserve forgiveness for what you committed against these people." John corrected Francis, "As far as I can tell, YOU'RE the sinner!"
Everyone gasped in shock at what John called Francis.
"How DARE YOU! YOU'RE FIRE, TOO!" He was gonna deliver another slap to John, but the latter caught and grabbed the old man's hand and held it firm. John then glared at Francis for a moment before letting his arm go and walked away.
"Tough luck, because I don't even work here! Come on, Tyler." John called Tyler, whom did as asked.
"Me a sinner?" Francis muttered under his breath, "Why, that ungrateful-"
"Well, i-in that case, I'm suing you for sexual harassment." Peter said to Francis as he took Francis' hand and placed it on his rear to make it look like he was molesting him, but it didn't seem to be working, "I'll see you at home."
Some time later after that, Chris tried to sneak over to the bathroom. Unfortunately, Carter was in the bathroom in a robe having finished showering and had caught Chris.
"What do you think you're doing, lad?" Carter questioned Chris.
"NOTHING!" Chris responded as he rushed back into his room.
Meanwhile in the kitchen, Lois was giving Peter some coffee, who was now a wreck as he was in a robe and had a five o' clock shadow. John and Tyler were there with him while they were having some cereal for breakfast.
"Lois, something's wrong with your shower." Francis came in and said to Lois.
"Well, what's the problem, then?" John asked.
"The water's not cold enough." Francis answered, "I like me showers colder than a well digger's kerblocken."
"Oh, really?" Tyler asked, "I thought you might like the water hotter since it SUITS WHERE YOU'RE HEADED!"
"You and your friend will be the ones to suffer that fate, lad." Francis said to Tyler.
"I think it's time someone sits his kerfluffin down and has a talk with his unemployed son." Lois insisted to Francis about Peter's unemployment.
"If Peter needs to talk, he'd best go to confession and beg forgiveness for all his failings!" Francis insisted, not realizing what Lois actually meant, "Have a glorious day." He grabbed his suitcase and left for work.
"Peter, how can you just sit there and let him talk like that?" Lois questioned Peter as he placed Stewie's bowl of oatmeal on his high-chair.
"Ah, he's right, Lois. I'm no good." Peter said, "Even my own dad doesn't love me. Face it, I'm going to Hell."
As soon as Peter said that, flames then engulfed the screen as Peter imagined himself in Hell. There, he saw a couple of men playing poker and Peter easily recognized him.
"Wow, Adolf Hitler, Al Capone, John Wilkes Booth." Peter exclaimed as he examined each player on the table, then saw an unexpected face along with them, Superman, "Hey, wha- W-What are you doing here?"
"I killed a hooker." Superman confessed, "She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet, so I ripped her in half like a phone book."
The flames from before rose again engulfing the screen again, cutting back to the kitchen.
"Yes, the fat man's going to Hell." Stewie gloated, "And from the looks of his midsection, he'll burn like a tire dump for all eternity. Oh! I love God! He's so deliciously evil."
John took a look at where Stewie was at in the Bible he was reading.
"Stewie, this is Revelation." John pointed out, then realized, "Wait a minute. You mean you've been reading Revelation this whole time?"
"And nothing but!" Stewie answered.
This gave John an idea.
"Well, if you really love God, then take a look at one of His most famed works, The Book of John." John recommended to Stewie as he turned to the aformentioned Gospel.
Stewie soon began to read, hoping it would be to his expectations.
"AAAHHH!" Stewie panicked suddenly dropping the Bible on the tray of his high-chair as he was now in absolute horror, "No, this can't be! God isn't evil at all! He's... LOVE!" Stewie then spouted in horror.
"Stewie, eat your oatmeal." Lois told Stewie taking away the Bible from his hands and sitting down next to him as the latter then began quickly eating his oatmeal in worry, "Honey, you're a wonderful husband, a loving father, and, for some reason I'll never understand, a very devoted son."
"Your wife's right, Mr. Griffin." Tyler agreed with Lois, "If your father thinks otherwise, then he's the one to be going to Hell."
"That's a nice thought, you guys, but sadly, it means nothing coming from you." Peter said unconvinced.
"Then what will?" John wondered.
"Well, the moment has arrived at last." Tom Tucker said on the kitchen TV as it soon cut to him and Diane on Channel 5 News doing a very special report, "We now go live to Logan International Airport, where The Pope's plane has just touched down." It then showed from a bird's eye view a full shot of The Pope's plane having already landed. The crowd was mostly composed of nuns acting like rock band roadies with police keeping the crazed crowd back.
Suddenly, a man in a suit holding a corded microphone came out of the plane.
"Hello, Boston!" The man greeted the crowd, "Are you ready to humbllllllllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeee yourself before God?" The crowd cheered wildly as a result. "What? Have you all taken a vow of silence? COME ON!" The crowd then went louder, "Then put your hands together for The One, The Only, His Holiness, The Pope!" The man then stepped down the stairway as The Pope then stepped out and greeted His followers.
It then zoomed out of the TV and back to Peter, who was intrigued by the event.
"Hey, I just got a crazy idea!" Peter then acknowledged.
"What is it?" Tyler asked Peter.
Peter went over to the other end of the table off-screen and brought out a waffle iron. He then inexplicably burns his hand in it.
"AH! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!" Peter screamed in pain as he got his hand out and swished it around a few times and then had his other hand on it, "(sighs) Nothing..."
"I think I've got a better idea." John acknowledged as he took Tyler with him and left the kitchen.
It then showed the Boston Budget Hotel, which was where The Pope was staying. The sign outside also said, "Welcome Pope." Inside were a group called "Pope-Alooza" in one of the hotel suites, where their manager was on the phone and the priests were reading the Bible.
"Huh." One of the priests exclaimed, "Hey, did you ever notice this? On page 375, it says 'Jebus'." They all then turned to mentioned page to check it out, while the priest who acknowledged it showed it to another one next to him.
"It's supposed to be 'Jesus', right?" The priest next to him said when John and Tyler came in disguised as bellhops.
"Room service!" John and Tyler both announced in unison.
"We didn't order no room service!" The manager testified.
"Well, uh, uh, actually, we-we just wanted to check to see if there's any stowaway paparazi in here." John said as he and Tyler stepped in, "The last celebrity that was staying here got ambushed in the bathroom."
"Alright, wise guys, who are you two?" The manager questioned the duo, seeing through their disguises.
"Look, we're just two guys who are living with a wonderful family in Rhode Island and the father there has a family crisis that only His Holiness can resolve." John confessed to the group.
"That's right." Tyler said, "So, please, won't you help?"
The priests looked at them for a moment before...
"Dust them!" One of the priests ordered.
"WHA- THIS IS WHAT WE'RE GETTING FROM YOU GUYS?!" Tyler shouted at them as a priest used his cane to drag both John and Tyler out of the room by their neck collars.
They stopped at a garbage chute in the hall, where one of the priests opened it and he and the manager threw the boys into it.
Outside, a man was waiting next to the dumpster, where John and Tyler came out of the chute at last, landed on and bounced off the pile of trash that was piling up from the dumpster and landed hard on the floor.
"My heavens! Are you boys okay?" The man asked John and Tyler running over to their side.
"Yeah, we just got bounced by The Pope's road crew." John answered.
"Good thing you boys missed me." The man said, "I'm set to drive the Popemobile and any slight bump on the head knocks me unconscious for a few hours."
"Really?" Tyler asked intrigued.
"Oh, yes." The driver chuckled, "I always wake up feeling fine, but it is just so darn inconvenient to be knocked out that easily. Even by the slightest tap or touch."
"You mean like this?" Tyler asked touching the driver's forehead with his finger.
"Yes, like tha-" The driver was about to say before dropping to the ground losing consciousness.
John and Tyler took a look at the Popemobile and then to the Popemobile's now unconscious driver. John soon developed an idea.
Later, the Popemobile was driving down a city street with The Pope inside as He was waving to the crowd cheering for Him. Inside were John and Tyler, now dressed in the previous driver's attire (and if you're wondering, Tyler was wearing a spare uniform) and then when nobody was looking, they took an upcoming right lane that coincidentally lead to Quahog.
It then cut to a scene from Cool Hand Luke, most specifically the chain gang scene.
"Taking it off here, Boss." Luke said to the Captain taking his shirt off.
"Take it off there, Luke." The Captain told Luke.
"Wiping it off here, Boss." Dragline said to the Captain taking a rag out and wiping off his sweat.
"Wipe it off there, Dragline." The Captain told Dragline.
"Waving at The Pope here, Boss." Luke said waving as the Popemobile passed by.
"Wave at The Pope there, Luke." The Captain told Luke.
Later, the Popemobile was still miles away from Quahog when The Pope began to wonder.
"Are you sure this is Boston?" The Pope asked John and Tyler.
"Yes, sir." Tyler answered, "And look over there, it's Harvard."
"That's just a barn." The Pope corrected Tyler.
"Geez, someone went to Yale." John remarked, "Hey, Tyler, since when do you know how to drive?"
"Huh. You know, I don't know. Oh, well." Tyler said as he continued driving without messing up.
Back at the Griffin home, Lois was mopping the kitchen floor,
"Hey, Mrs. Griffin, we brought company." John and Tyler said in unison off-screen to Lois.
"Careful, boys, I just cleaned the floors." Lois warned John and Tyler, picking up a plate of brownies as it panned to John and Tyler at the door with The Pope kissing the floor.
"Good thing." Tyler said.
"Mmm. Lemony." The Pope acknowledged.
Lois dropped the plate of brownies she was holding in surprise.
"Your Holiness, this is such an honor." Lois said to the Pope, glorified by His presence, "Please, go into the living room and make Yourself at home!"
The Pope then did just as Lois suggested, then Lois came up to John and Tyler.
"Boys, what is The Pope doing here?!" Lois asked John and Tyler.
"Well, Mrs. Griffin, we hijacked His bubble car so that He can help your husband, Mr. Griffin, convince his father he's a good man." John told Lois, who was shocked at what they told her.
"You two kidnapped The Pope?!" Lois reacted.
"Yeah." Tyler responded.
"Boys, this is the most reckless thing you've ever done." Lois told John and Tyler, "The last time something like this happened was when Mr. Griffin was on an airplane."
Cutaway #5
Peter was in an airplane, where he was staring at the emergency exit's warning label, reading "DO NOT PULL." Peter just stared at it, until he pulled the lever open, causing the door to break off and suck Peter out of the plane, leading him to fall to the ground below giggling in amusement.
End
In the living room, The Pope was getting along with everyone. John and Tyler were there glad to see that The Pope is already acquanted with the family and decided it was time to introduce Peter.
"Mr. Griffin, could you come down here for a minute?" John called out to Peter, who was in his room lying on the bed still feeling depressed like earlier.
"Sure" Peter answered as he got out of bed, left the room and went downstairs to see what John wanted, only to find The Pope in his living room, "What the hell? The Pope? W-What are you doing here?"
"We brought Him all the way here so that He'll help you out with your dad." Tyler told Peter.
"Yes, Peter, you've raised a fine family." The Pope praised Peter getting up from the couch.
"Yeah, well, my dad thinks I'm a screw-up." Peter said otherwise, "Hey, since John and Tyler brought You over here, I was hoping You could change his mind. He-He'd have to believe You. You're God's go-to guy."
Well, your father is entitled to his opinion." The Pope pointed out, "But more important is what you think. Look deep in your heart, my son. Do you think you're a screw-up?"
"Well..." Peter replied turning to his kids. It showed Meg, who smiled back at her father. Then it panned to the right where Chris was still was going through intestinal pain. It panned lastly to Stewie, who was polishing a sniper rifle and pulled it behind his back when he noticed Peter looking at him. This gave Peter some confidence, "No. I'm not. Y-You know what? I'm a damn good father. And I have great kids."
"Well, that's not what grandpa says." Meg stated.
"Well, grandpa is wrong." Peter reassured Meg, then sitting next to her, "Meg, it's not a sin for a girl your age to like boys."
Meg kissed her father on the cheek. "Thanks, daddy." Meg thanked Peter.
"And Chris, what you do in the bathroom is between you and God." Peter then said to Chris, "Ad if you're sorry, he'll forgive you."
"Thanks, dad!" Chris thanked Peter in relief as he rushed upstairs to the bathroom.
"Good for you, Peter." Lois congradulated Peter, "But isn't there someone else you should speak to?"
"Yes, there is." Peter said as he got up and went to... The Scarecrow?, "Scarecrow, you've had brains all along."
"Okay, this is not what we were talking about." John then stated.
"Same goes for your heart, Tin Man." Peter then said to Tin Man and then to, "And Kristy McNichol, come back to television." As you would guess, it was Kristy McNichol instead of presumably the Cowardly Lion, "We miss you."
"Peter, we meant you should talk to your father." Lois pointed out to Peter.
"You're right." Peter agreed, "You with me, Big Guy?"
"Peter, I go where I am needed." The Pope told Peter.
"To the Popemobile!" Peter exclaimed in a Batman-style sequence where after a trancision card showing The Pope's hat in a golden, spinning background, it showed Peter, John, Tyler and The Pope in the Popemobile as it exited through a cave, for some reason and reached the Happy Go-Lucky Toy Factory.
Inside, every worker was almost in the appearance of slaves as their clothes were tathered and worn-out while they were busy quickly putting together Furbys.
"Hey, guys." Peter came in talking to his old co-workers, "Remember when we brought in that stripper for Lombardi's birthday and it turned out to be his son? Well, I think this is gonna top it." He stepped away to allow The Pope to enter, where His appearance garnered everyone's attention.
"Wow, it's The Pope!" One of the workers exclaimed.
"Slothful sinners!" Francis criticized the employees, who went back to work, "You're here to work and earn money, not sit around with your-" Francis paused after he caught The Pope in his sight, "HOLY MOTHER! IT'S THE HOLY FATHER!" He kneels down and does a Sign of the Cross while doing so, "I am not worthy."
"Rise, my son." The Pope instructed Francis, "You are indeed worthy, for you have raise a fine son. His zest for life is an affirmation God's great love within us all."
"Wow!" Peter exclaimed in amazement, "And that's from The freakin' Pope!"
"See, Mr. Griffin?" John said to Francis, "This is what Christianity truly is. Looks like you were wrong all along."
"I was wrong, alright." Francis responded.
"Stand by, boys." Peter told the band from before, who got themselves ready.
"I was wrong about You!" Francis then said to The Pope, much to everyone's surprise, including The Pope's, "You've got soft on me, Holy Father! Even a tambourine-shaking Baptist could tell this boy's no good!"
"Are you accusing Me of deceit?!" The Pope questioned Francis in outrage of the latter's rude criticism.
"Whoa, easy, Your Holiness." Peter said to The Pope, trying to prevent a fight.
"Because I shall have the church inscriminate you for your inexcuseable-" The Pope warned Francis.
"Okay, time out." Peter exclaimed as he pulled both The Pope and Francis away from each other.
"We apologize on Mr. Griffin's behalf, Father." John apologized to The Pope.
"No worries, boys." The Pope assured to John and Tyler, "But, (sigh) I have never met such an intolerable, corrupt man. And Peter, you must truly be blessed with the patience of a saint."
"Well, he's my dad and I just want him to love me." Peter replied.
"Peter..." Francis astonished from behind Peter, "... how can you say such a thing?" He came up to Peter, "I love you with all my heart."
Peter then gave the band their cue to play, which they did.
"You do?" Peter asked.
"Of course." Francis answered, "I just don't approve some of the things you do. Such as the pornography, the drinking, the need to watch television all day instead of maybe spending time with your family. I just wish you would think otherwise sometimes is all." Then the music stopped.
"No, keep playing, you guys." Peter told the band, "I think this is as good as its gonna get." The music then played back on, "Dad, to be honest, I don't approve some of the things you do, either. Ah, jeez, that's a terrible thing to say. I guess I am going to Hell, huh?"
'And I guess that goes for us, too, for what we said to him, huh?" John and Tyler said to The Pope.
"Well, that depends on whether they deserved it or not, boys." The Pope assured to the duo, then turned to Peter, "Peter, the good Lord said to honor thy father. He never said anything about honoring the things he does."
"Well, in that case, dad, I promise that I'm gonna eat only fish on Fridays during Lent and eat meat before and after that, golf after church, laugh at Jewish humor, and yes, spend more time with my wife and kids." He then glanced at The Pope, "Uh, But I won't enjoy it whenever I sleep with my wife. She hates it." The Pope, however, only gave Peter a confused look on His face as to what the latter meant.
"Well, alright, then." Francis approved, "I'll be on me way. Take back your job, and give your old man a hug." He then formed a hug with Peter.
"I love you, dad." Peter said to Francis.
"I know you do, son. And the same goes for you, too." Francis told Peter as he stopped hugging with Peter.
"What are you gonna do now?" Peter asked Francis.
"I don't know." Francis answered, "I guess where the good Lord needs me the most, I assure."
"Well, we are looking for a new bodyguard for My tour." The Pope volunteered, "Perhaps maybe this will also serve as a form of redemption."
"Y-You'd give my dad a job?" Peter asked The Pope, "Even after the way he treated You, aftewards?"
"Peter, our duty as Christians is to help others in any way possible." The Pope said to Peter, "Even when they least expect it. And besides, as you said Peter, 'I'm The flippin' Pope.'"
Later that night, everyone was watching The Pope's tour on TV, where The Pope was returning to the church he works in.
"Alright, get back!" Francis, now a bodyguard, said to the crowd while the camera was focused on The Pope entering the church, "Sorry, but no flash photography in the chapel." He then approached the cameraman, "Alright, that's a rap. Now, turn that camera off or I'll turn it off for ya!" He then knocked the camera down to the ground, where it only showed a couple of people in pews.
Cuts back to the family.
"Well, I think your father found the perfect job." Lois acknowledged.
"Sorta." John and Tyler remarked in unison.
"Yeah, let's hope so." Peter stated, "I love being a good father, but I don't have to be a good son in front of my father again for a long, long time."
"Thank God." John praised.
"But what about your mo-" Tyler was about to ask Peter when a knock was heard on the door.
"Peter, open the door and break out the schnapps!" An elderly voice said to Peter from the other side of the door, "Guess who needs a place to sleep it off for the weekend?"
"Mom?!" Peter exclaimed.
"TYLER!" John shouted at Tyler.
"Oops." Tyler exclaimed.
"Oh, my God, NO!" Brian panicked.
"Quick, everyone!" Peter stated, "Into the pod!"
They all soon dashed into a hole on the wall next to the TV, where it closed shut and it was revealed to be an escape pod, where it blasted off into the sky.
The End