The Friday before the funeral was set to happen Emily decided that she needed to go back to school and at least make the rumors about her being dead as well go away. Pam was not happy about Emily's choice, but she knew Emily had made up her mind and that was going to be the end of it. Emily fixed her dress and made sure her hair was lying properly before she went downstairs where her mother was packing her lunch. "You know that if it gets to be too much you can come home right? Just call me and I'll say you can come home."
Emily nodded and forced a smile, "I'm sure I'll be ok. If I don't go back today next week will be worse. Besides I'll have the girls with me most of the day, I'll be fine."
"Who are you trying to convince, me or you?" Pam gave her daughter a knowing glance. Emily opened her mouth to say something, but then swallowed it. "I would love to stay in my room and forget that this is happening, but that isn't healthy and….and she wouldn't have wanted me to do that to myself, she loved me too much." A heavy silence settled in the room and only the clock chiming broke it. "I'll be late if I don't leave now. I'll check in later." Emily grabbed her lunch and gave her mother a kiss on the cheek before heading to her car. The drive to school was all muscle memory and Emily was shocked when she found herself already pulling into a parking spot. She grabbed her stuff from the backseat and headed to first period. The looks she was getting were expected; some were of pity, most of them were of pity actually and before she lost her composure, Emily felt pressure on her right side. She looked up to see Spencer standing next to her, her arm linked with Emily's. "You picked the best day to come back; we are watching movies in two classes." Emily smiled and was internally thankfully that her friend knew better than to ask how she was doing. "Emily are you listening to me?" Emily focused back on her friend, "sorry just a little tired. What were you saying?"
"I was asking if you think you are going to make up the assignments you missed?" Emily reached into her bag and pulled out a large stack of papers and files. "Already done and organized by class."
"And I thought I was on top of school, this must have taken you days Em."
"When you don't sleep that much you have to find something to do, I figured school work was a better course of action then sitting in the dark crying." Spencer stopped walking and grabbed Emily by the hand and led her into an empty classroom. "I know that you don't want to be asked how you are doing, or told that people are sorry for your loss, but I'm going to give you a hug right now and tell you I love you and you are going to tell me that you know that we are all here for you." Spencer briefly hugged Emily tight before letting go, only to find that Emily hadn't let go of her grip on her friend. She wrapped her arms around Emily again and just left them there as it became clear that Emily had already begun crying. When Emily pulled away she tried to brush the tears out of her eyes, but the damage was done and her eyes were red around the edges.
"Sorry, thought I could at least make it to lunch before that happened."
"Don't you dare apologize to me for crying, you lost your girlfriend, you're allowed to cry."
"But I've been crying for days, at one point I ran out of tears, literally. I just don't know what will make it better, I thought that maybe distracting myself with school would work, I mean nothing else has."
"Maybe it's too soon for you to be back here Em, but if you want to try we will be there for you all day long, ok?" Emily smiled and nodded, "it's ok if you ask me how I'm doing, just don't make me out to be the crazy lesbian who can't take three steps without crying." Spencer laughed at the small attempt at humor and the two walked back into the hallway. As promised the first two classes they had we all about watching movies and taking notes on them. When third period rolled around Emily settled into class and soon felt someone hug her from behind. She knew from the perfume that it was Hanna and when she looked up she saw she was right. "God I missed you in this class, without you here to make faces with, I've been forced to pay attention, I think my grades might have gone up." Emily giggled, "my deepest apologies for affecting your GPA so positively."
"I suppose you are forgiven, just don't let it happen again." Hanna flashed her a smile and they made small talk until Ella walked into the classroom to start class. She smiled at Emily as if to silently check and see if she was alright. Emily returned the smile and opened her notebook. Maybe she could make it through today without it being too much. When the bell rang the two girls made their way through the hallway and met up with Aria. Fourth period passed by without anything interesting happening and when the bell rang the girls met up with Spencer for lunch they all headed for the cafeteria.
The four of them were chatting happily as they walked, but as they passed the main entrance of the school they realized that they no longer heard Emily's voice. When Spencer turned to look she saw Emily about ten feet behind them, frozen in her tracks. When Spencer walked over to her she realized why she had stopped and she was currently kicking herself for letting them walk through the main hallway. The main hallway passes through the front of the school and spills out into the cafeteria and right before the cafeteria there is a glass display case and a bulletin board. Usually used for trophies and special announcements, it was currently a memorial for Maya. Pictures of her were everywhere and because Emily was one of the few people she spent time with, most of them were of the two of them together. Letters and rest in peace signs littered the area around the pictures; it looked like those roadside memorials that people construct after someone died in a car accident.
Spencer put her hand on Emily's shoulder, "Em, Emily, come on honey let's go get some air." Emily stood perfectly still, her eyes glued to the picture in the center of the board: it was one that Emily had taken when they first met, before they started dating. She wanted to cry she really did, but nothing happened. The lack of tears worried Spencer and by this point Aria and Hanna were standing behind Emily waiting for a reaction. A few people walking by looked and whispered which made Emily shut her eyes in an effort to block out everything around her. Aria broke away from her friends and ran to go get her mother who she was hoping was still in her classroom. When she returned Ella was two steps behind her and had the same look of concern on her face. The presence of a teacher made everyone else scatter and left the girls in the hallway with Ella.
"Emily, honey, why don't we go into my classroom for a bit. You girls can eat your lunch in there." Ella placed her hand on Emily's shoulder which caused the teenager to flinch. Ella backed off slightly and wrote a text message before trying again. "Emily, if you want to go home I can call your mom and get you a ride home."
"I have a car." It came out in a whisper. Ella smiled, "I know you do sweetie, but you are in no shape to drive." Emily reached out to the make shift alter and took one of the pictures off. She held it in front of her and then showed it to Ella, "that was taken before our first date; we went to a movie and ended up not watching any of it." Emily laughed a little and Ella smiled cautiously. "No one ever made me feel like that. Not Ben, not Ali, no one. Every time she kissed me I could feel how much she loved me, I could practically taste it. I wasted so much time being afraid of my feelings for her. I wasted time we ended up not having because I was too scared to say I love you and now I would give anything that I ever thought meant anything to me just for five minutes with her. She was supposed to be my forever and someone took that from me." That did it, the realization that someone had taken Maya away from her started the tears. Ella wrapped her arms around the now sobbing teenager and tried to soothe her best she could. She eyed the rest of the girl standing there also not knowing what to do.
"Come on Emily, let's go sit in my classroom for a little bit ok?" Emily came back into reality and realized that she had just broken down in the middle of the hallway. A mix of embarrassment and crippling sadness washed over her and she started to run, she wasn't sure where but she started running. Ella stood there with her daughter and the two other girls and none of them knew what to do. "You guys wouldn't happen to know where she might have run off to would you?" The girls shook their heads, none of them were really thinking clearly at the moment.
"I have an idea." A voice came from behind them and when the girls turned around and here was Ashley. "Mom? What are you doing here?" Hanna was the most shocked.
"Ella called me, said Emily was having a tough time so I came to give her a ride home. I take it calming her down didn't work."
"She took off running and I have no clue where to start looking." The bell rang at that moment and the halls filled with student again. "You guys get to class, we will find Emily and make sure she is ok."
"But mom she needs," Aria was cut off by her mother, "Aria, what she needs is some space and then some help. I promise you when we find her and figure out how to help her I will let you all know." The three girls all shared a look before heading off to their classes. When they were out of ear shot Ashley turned back to Ella, "don't you have class now?"
"Nope it's my free period. You said that you have an idea of where she might have run off to." Ashley nodded, "I'd be shocked if she went anywhere else but the pool." Both women set off for the pool and when they were about to walk through the double doors that led to the locker rooms they could hear music playing, not loudly, but loud enough. They walked onto the landing that was about ten feet from the pools edge. There was no one in the stadium and in the otherwise still water it was pretty easy to find Emily swimming laps in the center lane. Neither woman knew much about swimming, but they knew what anger looked like and from what they could see, Emily's swimming was driven by raw anger and pain. She was going far faster than she ever had before and her strokes were more aggressive. Each woman took a seat and watched for a moment as she moved back and forth in the water. The music changed and became slowly and Emily seemed to notice because she poked her head out the water for a brief moment and then returned to swimming, this time slower and almost in sync with the music. Both mothers listened to the music and it added to how bad they felt for the swimmer.
Innocent, Confident
With a hint of curiosity and an air of what you see is what you get
Fun to be around
Laugh at herself
Never worried
Life is short but whats the hurry
Bright-eyed and ready to take on the world
Have you seen that girl
That everybody says I used to be
Have you seen that girl
Where along the way did I lose me?
Have you seen that girl
She was full of life
Looked on the brighter side
If it was worth a chance she'd take it
Said that life is what you make it
But a few wrong moves led to a few wrong turns
And once your burned your not the same
You tend to shy from the flame
I hate to think shes givin up her dream
Have you seen that girl
That everybody says I used to be
Have you seen that girl
Where along the way did I lose me
Have you seen that girl
Where along the way did I lose me
Have you seen that girl
When the music changed once again Ella turned to Ashley, "what should we do?"
"I'm giving her one more song before I jump in and fish her out, but right now I think she needs somewhere to think and this is what works for her."
"I just wish we could do more, she seems like she's trying so hard to feel better, but its like she can't shake the depression off."
"Truth be told I don't think she'll ever be able to, not completely anyway. Pam said she was going to therapy and was doing well in that, but I honestly think that this just broke her heart beyond repair. I mean she loved Alison and then she died, she loved Maya, had a relationship with Maya and now she's dead too. When someone kills the first person you ever had sex with and loved like that…she is learning the hard way that life can be hopelessly unfair and hurt good people."
"Wait, they slept together?" Ashley had to laugh, "come on Ella, she walked around for a week like she was on a cloud and she was practically glowing, I've never seen her that happy." Ella had to laugh a little bit, "do you think we will ever see her that happy again." Ashley thought about it, "I do, but I think this is going to be a hard road back to being happy and we just need to be patient and help her through it." They both looked back at the water where Emily was clearly losing energy as the last song played.
Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by
I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
Emily pulled herself up out of the water and was lying on the concrete exhausted and as soon as she got her goggles off she started crying as the music finished. She was singing along to the song, but it was hoarse and emotional.
And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star
Emily whispered the last line and continued crying. She only stopped when she realized that Ashley was standing over her with a towel in her hands. Ashley bent down and wrapped the towel around Emily and slowly pulled her up so that she was standing. Emily stood there and after looking at her best friend's mothers she collapsed into Ashley's arms and resumed crying. Ashley didn't care that she was getting wet from the excess pool water that clung to Emily's hair, she just wished she could make the broken heart that Emily clearly had heal faster. When the crying had softened and Emily started to calm down Ashley pulled away and made eye contact with the teenager.
"I'm going to go bring the car around to the back and then I'm going to take you home. I'll be right back I promise." Emily watched her as she left and after throwing her clothes on over her suit she sat down next to Ella. "I hate this feeling." Ell looked at Emily with concerned etched across her face. "What feeling honey?"
"The empty feeling I have in my chest. It's like someone ripped something out of my heart and now there is a big hole there that I am trying to fill with tears apparently. I feel like if I'm not thinking about her, that I'll forget her or that it means I didn't love her enough. Part of me never wants to forget her, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life pinning after my first girlfriend and not being able to move forward and find happiness. I want to get married, have children and a life…it's just." Ella held her hand and rubbed it softly, "it's just you thought you would get to have all those things with Maya."
"I know it sounds dumb. Every teenager thinks they are going to marry the first lover they have right?" Ella smiled, "I don't think it sounds dumb at all, but maybe you need to look at your relationship in a different way. Maybe she was your soul mate, just not the soul mate you were meant to marry."
"I don't understand." Ella cleared her throat and tried to explain, "sometimes we meet people in life that we were always destined to meet and they were destined to change our lives, but they were only meant to teach us how to be our true selves and then they were meant to leave. I heard a quote that I think sums it up, 'A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mate's purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, and make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life.' Maya came into your life to teach you something and change your life and because of what she did you came into your own and look how far you've come. You don't ever have to forget her, but remember what she did for you instead of what she never got to become for you." Emily gave her friend's mother a hug and she held on for a little while.
"I loved her, she made me want to stop hiding, she put up with my mom shipping her off to that dumb camp, she came back to me and I just…I loved her."
"I know you did sweetheart and for what it's worth I know she loved you too. She would want you to be happy and when some time has passed I know you will get there." Just then Ashley reappeared and Emily sat up and brushed the tears from her eyes. "Thank you, really, most people are too afraid to talk to me these days. Can you tell the girls that I'll call them later?"
"Sure thing honey, I think Ashley is going to take you to her house so I'll tell them that you will meet them there ok." Emily nodded and smiled as she walked over to where Ashley was standing. She climbed into the car and they spent the car ride to Hanna's house in silence. Ashley called Pam and explained to her what happened. Pam asked to speak with her daughter and Emily took the phone from Ashley. "Hey mom."
"Honey are you ok? I should have kept you home today."
"No mom, really it's ok, I think I feel a little bit better even though I was crying. I needed today to happen or I'd never be able to start moving forward. It still hurts, probably always will, but I think I'll get to a place where it doesn't hurt as much." Pam was surprised, this was the most optimistic Emily had sounded since everything had fallen apart and it made Pam relax a little. "Would like me to bring your things for the funeral over there, you could stay with Hanna and the girls tonight and I'll meet you at the church tomorrow?"
"I'd like that, let me ask if it's ok?" Emily looked up at Ashley, "is it ok if I stay here tonight?" Ashley smiled, "you know you never have to ask, you are always welcome here." Emily smiled and turned back to the phone, "I'll stay here mom, I just need my dress, shoes and my computer cuz it has my speech on it."
"Got it, I'll drop them off when I run my errands."
"Thanks mom, love you." Emily hit the end call button and handed the phone back to Ashley before getting out of the car. When they got into the house Ashley walked into the kitchen and Emily followed her. Emily took a seat at the counter and Ashley dug around in the fridge before looking back at the teen, "you never actually ate your lunch, what can I make you to eat?"
"I'm not really hungry."
"Emily you have to eat something. I can make you a sandwich ok, something simple?" Emily knew she wasn't going to get out of this so she nodded, "that's fine thank you." She sat there and poked at the sandwich Ashley placed in front of her and every now and then she would take a few bites and eventually she ate half of the sandwich before finally pushing it away. "Can I save the other half, in case I get hungry later?"
"I'll wrap it up for you. Is your mom going to bring over your stuff for tomorrow?"
"Yeah and my computer, I still have to finish my eulogy. Right now it sounds kind of terrible."
"I'm sure that its wonderful." Emily rolled her eyes, "you have to say that, you're a mom, but here's a rough draft of it, see for yourself." Emily reached into her bag and pulled out a folder and handed it to Ashley. Emily played with her phone while Ashley read the document carefully. When she was done, she set it down and looked up at Emily with tears in the corners of her eyes. "I'm not sure what you could change in this to make it any more beautiful than it already is, it's very touching and very honest."
"Really? When I read it to myself I start crying by the fourth line and then the rest sounds like I'm suicidal or otherwise unstable." Ashley looked immediately concerned, "that's the second time you said that in the last week."
"Said what?"
"That people will think you are suicidal. You said it the day Ella and I were watching you while your mom was out, when you sang that song."
"It's a sad song, this is a speech about death, people are going to jump to conclusions." Emily tried to shrug it off, but Ashley wasn't buying it. "Or maybe you are hoping that someone will notice how depressed you are and help you?" Ashley moved so that she was in front of Emily, "are you having those kinds of thoughts Emily?" Emily tried to look away, but it was no use. She mumbled something that Ashley couldn't hear, "what was that honey?"
"I said not anymore." Emily was more than surprised that she had said it and Ashley was more surprised than she thought upon hearing it. Emily immediately tried to take it back, "I didn't mean it like that, I just meant that I was thinking about death a lot because of all the funeral stuff and that's it." Ashley took Emily's hand in her's, "Emily, look at me and be honest with me." When Emily took a breath and looked at her friend's mother trying so hard to calm her down she lost her resolve, "I did, I did, I wanted to die so I could be with her. I had this dream where I was with her and it was amazing, I could feel her and touch her and kiss her and nothing was scary or hurtful. I never felt that kind of peace before and when I woke up I felt like I was going to be sick because all I wanted was to back there with her. I didn't go through with it, I couldn't."
Ashley had no idea where to go from here so she just kept talking, "what stopped you?"
"I couldn't do that to everyone, not again. I couldn't leave Spencer and Aria and Hanna. I couldn't do that to my parents or to you. I didn't want other people to suffer just so that I could be happy. And before you freak out further, I already told my therapist, she already made me sign something that says I won't hurt myself or if I want to I tell someone, she already told my mother who already cried about it. It's fine."
"Emily, its nowhere close to fine, but I'm glad you talked about it, and you know you can always come to me right, no matter what?"
"I know, I'm sorry that I upset everyone, it just…being with her again felt so real, coming back to real life almost seemed like a punishment. I'm glad I didn't do it though. She wouldn't have wanted me to do that." Ashley finally took a breath that she had been holding in, "We love you Emily, I know that right now that doesn't mean much, but you have so many people who love you."
Emily smiled, "I know. Do you think I could go take a shower? I'd like not to smell like pool water at her funeral."
"Of course, help yourself." Emily headed upstairs and for the first time in days she actually felt a sense of hope.
So enough people asked for me to continue this so I am, at least for one more chapter. I'm going to do the funeral and then end it there. Maybe after that we will have the season opener to look forward to, everyone seems to think that Maya isn't really dead and I have no idea what to think so it should be interesting. Review for the last chapter.