In high school, Kara had her first crush. The two came over to her place while both her parents weren't around. They made out for a while and then finally took their clothes off. Under the sheets, Kara waited in silent anticipation for the moment she had dreamed about: losing her virginity. The boy got on top of her and then nothing. "I can't get in," the boy said defeated.
"What? What do you mean you can't get it in?" Kara demanded.
"I'm trying but it's not going in," he said again.
The two tried for several minutes but nothing happened. The same strength and molecular density that made her practically invincible was preventing her sex life. The boy, fully clothed, exited the house just as Jonathon Kent arrived. "Good evening, Mr. Kent," the boy said sheepishly and walked off.
Jonathon frowned and then went into the house. "What did he want?" he asked Kara.
"We just played board games and watched TV," Kara said innocently.
"Did you score?" Jonathon asked.
"Dad! How can you ask that?" Kara said embarrassed.
"It's a simple question," Jonathon said as if it were nothing.
"No, he wasn't strong enough," Kara said frustrated.
Jonathon smiled and then laughed. "It's not funny," she said as Jonathon walked off laughing.
Soon thereafter, Kara was in the hospital waiting room with her parents for the most awkward of reasons. Her would-be boyfriend was carried away on a stretcher crying. "Why?" he cried out.
Jonathon sighed as he sat down with Kara. "Did you really have to break that boy's penis?" he asked.
"It was an accident. I didn't mean to," Kara said innocently.
"Maybe...maybe sex isn't for you," Jonathon suggested.
"What?" Kara asked flabbergasted. "I can't even get pregnant anyway. I'm an alien, remember?" Kara said bitterly.
"You might be able to have alien hybrid babies," Jonathon said thoughtfully.
"If I was a boy, you wouldn't be saying this," Kara said resentfully.
"If you were a boy, I would find a way to cut off your balls to prevent you from impregnating thousands of women with alien hybrid spawn and bringing about the apocalypse," Jonathon said seriously.
"And here I thought you wanted the Apocalypse to come soon," Kara shot back.
There was silence for a few moments. "This is so embarrassing," Martha remarked. "The whole town has heard of your weird sex stories. You've become the town's slut," Martha grumbled.
"How can I be a slut if I am still a virgin," Kara objected.
"Maybe...maybe, you should leave to a major city...and become a Lesbian," Jonathon advised.
"Wait...what?" Kara asked shocked.
"I just want you to be happy," Jonathon said and then gave Kara a warm hug.
One day, Jonathon, Martha, and Kara were in the truck in the middle of a traffic jam. "Since when is there traffic in Smallville, Kansas?" Jonathon said frustrated.
"If you let me drive, this wouldn't have happened," Kara whined.
"Last time you drove the truck; you push the accelerator pedal through the floor. You're not allowed to drive until you can control your powers," Jonathon said.
"You're not even my real dad," Kara said obnoxiously.
"That was uncalled for, Kara," Martha said.
"She's right. I'm not your real dad. Your real dad is space dust," Jonathon said.
"Oh my God!" Kara cried.
"Too soon?" Jonathon mocked.
"Honey, there's a tornado on the highway," Martha said nervously.
"Son-of-bitch," Jonathon said annoyed.
"Time to go. Get your stuff," Martha said as the three of them exited the vehicle.
They came to an overpass to get them shelter from the forming tornado. "I was taught that being under a bridge is dangerous because all the debris will go underneath the bridge and hit us," Kara said.
"Shut your mouth," Jonathon replied.
"Hank!" Kara cried out for the dog; he was still inside the truck.
Jonathon frowned as he considered the dog. "Fuck it," he said and ran over to the truck. "Stay with your mother," Jonathon ordered Kara.
Jonathon came to the truck and freed the dog. The dog ran over to Martha and Kara but then Jonathon got stuck in the debris as the tornado approached. "Dad!" Kara shrieked as the tornado came closer.
Other people on the highway were being tossed around and sucked into the tornado vortex. Jonathon turned to his wife and alien daughter and held out his hand. "Death, I embrace you," Jonathon said.
The tornado overwhelmed him and then he was gone.
Kara ended up in psychiatric counseling after the incident. "My name is Ben Stein, and I am a licensed psychiatrist," he said in a monotone voice.
"Hi," Kara said awkwardly.
"I understand you feel you're responsible for your father's death," Dr. Stein said.
"Yeah, I totally could have saved him and probably lots of other people too," Kara said.
"Now Kara, what makes you think you could have saved your father?" Dr. Stein asked condescendingly.
"Because I'm an alien with super powers," Kara said obviously.
"I see," Dr. Stein said and wrote some notes in his notepad. "I suggest you go to an isolated location and find yourself."
"How do I find myself?" Kara asked.
"Just walk around until some special insight hits you," Dr. Stein said.
Years later, Kara ended up in Northern Canada during the harsh winter. She found a cage-fighting club in one of the towns. As she walked around the bar, she heard stories of the military suddenly deploying to the region. "Something about a spaceship," one of the men said.
"What about this spaceship?" she asked joining the conversation.
"Nothing you need to concern yourself, missy," the man said condescendingly.
"There's nothing I hate more than aliens," another redneck lumberjack said.
"What's wrong with aliens?" Kara asked offended.
"They come here to take our jobs," he said obviously.
"Why would aliens fly thousands of light years to take your job?" Kara asked.
"Aliens come to Earth and infiltrate human society, right? So, in order to conquer our planet, they have to keep up appearances. So, you know how they do that?" he asked rhetorically.
"By taking our jobs!" the lumberjacks all said and clinked their beer glasses.
Kara was about to say something but found no defense. She was actually looking for a job herself. In the cage was a short muscular man who easily defeated his opponent. "He's been fighting non-stop for two hours. No one can defeat him," one of the men said.
"I'll take that bet," Kara smirked.
Kara entered the cage wearing a t-shirt, pants, and boots. Her opponent had wild hair and was casually smoking a cigar. "I don't mind hitting a woman," he said.
"I don't either," Kara replied.
The man smiled and threw away his finished cigar. "Let's dance, little lady," he said.
The man rushed Kara and punched her in combinations. Kara was surprised by the force of his attacks. No one had come this close to actually becoming a challenge to her. Despite, his punches she barely felt anything. She then punched the man to the ground with one hit. The man was stunned by the attack but immediately got back to his feet. Kara entertained herself with the fight. For every ten times he hit her, she would playfully fight back with a punch or kick. The man just kept coming. Finally, Kara punched him hard enough to the head to knock him out for the required ten seconds.
Kara enjoyed her winnings as almost everyone had bet on her opponent. Suddenly, she was pushed up against the cage. "The name's Logan, and I've never encountered a woman that could beat me," he said aggressively.
Kara stared at him wondering if he could be the one. "I've never encountered a man that could come back from one of my punches before," she said.
The two stared at each other. The sexual chemistry between them was sizzling. "How about we go to my place, and I nurse your wounds," she said seductively.
Logan considered Kara looking her over and even getting in a sniff. "You're not my type," he said finally.
"What is your type?" Kara asked not giving up.
"Hairy," he said simply.
Kara merely stared at him wondering if he was serious. "Okay," Kara said incredulously. "See you around," she said disappointed.
Present Day
Lois Lane's helicopter arrived in the Arctic at a US Air Force base. "Miss Lane, how are you doing?" the Air Force PR guy said as she landed.
"Good," Lois answered. "How far to the station?"
"Just over the hill," he said. "I have to tell you; the Colonel is a bit of a hard ass."
"I've been shot at by terrorists. I think I can handle it," Lois smiled.
Lois entered the tent and was greeted by Colonel Hardy. "Who the fuck are you?" he said rudely.
"I'm Lois Lane of the Daily Planet," Lois replied.
"You're early. You can sleep outside and freeze. How about that?" Colonel Hardy said.
"Let's get one thing straight, the only reason I'm here is because we're on Canadian soil and an appellate court overruled the military's decision to keep this quiet," Lois said.
"No shit?" Col. Hardy wondered.
"So, if we're measuring dicks, can your people show me what you found?" Lois asked assertively.
"Hell, I like you. Whose dick did you have to suck to get this assignment?"
"I didn't," Lois objected.
"Bullshit!" Col. Hardy doubted. "From now on, the first and last thing out of your filthy mouth will be Sir. Do you understand?"
"Sir...yes...Sir," Lois said mockingly.
"Get your ass in my analyst room," Col. Hardy ordered.
Col Hardy, Lois, and an Air Force analyst looked over a computer. "The object is over three hundred meters," he began.
"A Soviet submarine from the Cold War?" Lois wondered.
"If you let him finish, Miss Lane," Col. Hardy said losing patience.
"The ice around the object is 20,000 years old," he continued.
"So, it's an alien ship," Lois figured.
"Out-fucking-standing. She figured it out before you shit-heads did," Col. Hardy said to his men.
Col. Hardy then led Lois over to a container that had equipment boxes and a cot. "You'll be staying here for tonight. PT in the morning," he said and then closed the door.
Lois busied herself by putting her camera together and then foolishly decided to go outside at night. She took some unauthorized pictures around the base and saw a lightly-dressed blond girl on the ice cliff wall.
"Where are you going?" Lois wondered.
Lois followed the girl around the cliff walls and finally found an unnatural cave. The hole had rifling marks as if a laser had cut into it. She curiously ventured inside the cave. Kara arrived at the spaceship and went inside. There she found a computer console with a key slot. "Good thing I decided to bring this with me," she said as she placed the key in the slot.
A floating drone approached as she came closer to the computer console. It then attacked her from behind whipping her arm. Kara struggled with the drone and slammed the key all the way in ending the attack. "Wow, that actually hurt," Kara said amazed.
Kara then noticed someone around the corner. "Hello?" she said but the figure was gone.
Kara walked around the ship until she heard a commotion from behind. She quickly found Lois in a fight with the drone. Taking action, she took control of the drone and crushed it with her hands.
"I hope that was worth it," Kara said as she threw the destroyed drone away.
Lois looked at Kara fearfully; her camera was destroyed. A soldier then entered the ship and saw Lois on the floor. "Is she injured?" he asked.
Kara scanned Lois with her X-ray vision. "Yeah, in the gut," Kara said queasy.
The solder put down his rifle and began to treat the wound. "We have to evacuate her," he said seriously.
"Who are you?" Kara asked.
"I'm Sergeant Olson, Special Forces. Glad to make your acquaintance. She's hemorrhaging bad," he noted.
"I'll fix the wound with my laser eyes," Kara said thoughtfully.
"What?" Lois asked confused.
"Watch this," Kara said and then used her laser eyes on Lois. Her screams echoed throughout the ship.