When roaming the halls, the space between the balcony ledge and the floor looked shorter. But then, I was looking down, the rail clamped in my sweaty hands. I mulled it over. I rocked. All I had to do was let go. My big break. But what if I landed too hard? Really messed something up? Oh hell, maybe it'll be worth it anyway, I thought. I slid slowly, but I saw another student walking across the lobby. Damn it, I was about to let go. I breathed in and out. I couldn't help but notice how ragged my breathing was. I had to do it. Thoughts of Maya filled my mind.
I hit the floor hard. Something snapped.
"Rookie here is out 6 weeks. I have some real idiots on my team. Playing on the rail. Seriously?"
Dallas was telling Maya what happened. Or what I had told him. She wasn't going to hear differently from me. Dallas left me to Maya's mercy, and her expression went from concern to anger almost instantly.
"What the hell, Cam? This is not the kind of break I was talking about."
I knew I was backed into a corner, and the only thing I could do was to assure her it was an accident, and then immediately focus on the positives.
"It was an accident. Promise. I'm not really that graceful." Throwing my best smile at her, I continued. "Plus, now I get to hang out with you and the guys more."
"But will you be happy? Like really happy? What about when your arm heals? You'll have to play again. I can't believe you did this."
She amazed me with her caring and her ability to stand her ground. But I can stand mine as well.
"Look, Maya, I'm not some loser who tries to hurt himself. And I'm happy with you."
She nodded her head, but I can tell it's more from resignation. The storm blew over, but I knew it was going to be exceedingly difficult from that moment on. She would keep a watchful eye on me, doubt any story. I was going to have to keep up the happy guise.
Maya didn't understand how enveloped I was in my math homework. She's playing her acoustic, and I really needed to focus on my algebra. I was damn near failing it, along with French and chemistry. Now I was being tripped up by a single problem.
Maya finished her song. "Did you like it?" she asked, sounding bubbly.
"I just don't get this. I keep getting 96, but the book says the answer is 300."
"Seems like you need a break."
"I wish. I have a lot of homework due. And I need to get this problem right."
She was unfazed.
"Did you know that we've been together for over a month, and we've only kissed 6 times?"
I leaned in and kissed her. I thought that's what she wanted.
"Seven."
When I went back to my homework, she got upset.
"That's it?"
"Look, I'm sorry," I started, taking her hint. "It's just that…between my arm and schoolwork, it's hard for me to get in the mood."
That wasn't necessarily the case. It played a part in it, sure, but it wasn't the whole picture. I was nervous around her. Maya was my first girlfriend, and I was completely clueless about the mechanisms of dating. It was just easier to blame it on something else.
I continued to try to figure out the mysterious 300 answer. Then I heard Maya say "what about now?"
I looked back at her, and my stomach jumped into my throat in panic. Her shirt was off, revealing a blue sports bra. My palms had started to sweat, and I nervously jerk my head around, trying to spot her shirt.
"What are you doing? What if my billet mom walks in?"
"Okay, I'll put it back on," Maya said with an eye roll.
Not really knowing what to do, I just stared at my textbook. I could see her leaning over out of the corner of my eye, and then I heard a yelp. I jumped up quickly, knocking my book and notes to the floor. By that point, I was incredibly frustrated.
"Are you okay?" I asked, sounding more annoyed than I meant to.
"I'm fine," she said while putting her shirt back on. "I'll just go."
I let her leave without saying a word. Maybe inaction was the wrong course to take. But I wouldn't have known what to say. Especially at such an awkward moment. The situation kept bothering me, though, and I couldn't stay focused on my algebra. I felt that fire rise inside me again. Trying to breathe, I let out slow breaths to calm myself down. What happened next was a semi-victory. I picked up my algebra book, and my first thought was to throw it against the wall. Instead, I swung it over my head and slammed it as hard as I could on my bed. I called this a semi-victory because if I had thrown it against the wall, my billet parents would have barged in, asking questions, worried about me. I learned later that this should have been considered a victory because I didn't act on my first impulse. Baby steps, right?
A/N: Just stick with the story and things will pick up soon! I wanted to build up a bit to the suicide attempt and then really grab from there. Please read and review if you feel so inclined!