A/N: So anyway, this is the second chapter to the (not so) epic story that could be summed up as "What happens when Seto Kaiba decided to actually hire a decent bodyguard?"
Most of this is Mokuba's fault.
The human mind is not designed to handle certain things. Among others, it's usually a safer to avoid contemplating your place in the universe after just watching the infamous Blue Dot video or trying to look too deeply into the flawed logic and horrible implications behind certain TV shows, to avoid going insane or becoming depressed.
From the average male standpoint, trying to understand how a woman, who was probably fifty kilos soaking wet and had the muscle definition of a wet noodle, was beating every capable competitor in the physical challenges. It was a good thing that Seto was not the average man. Or teenager. Whatever. Isono had no idea how he'd handle the situation otherwise.
They had ended up taking a huge chunk of Kaibaland's "more ambitious projects" budget to build (or at least jury-rig) an obstacle course inside a closed-off makeshift arena that lacked any seats or concession stands but was otherwise nearly Olympic in quality, which would serve as a test of their skills under fire and in civilian applications (and for decades afterward would be referred to as Training Ground 666 by the Japanese army when they finally got the rights to it) and, given the extensive facilities the elder Kaiba had ordered, also be able to test other things like firearm proficiency, hand-to-hand skills, and ability to stir-fry anything. That last had been Mokuba's suggestion—Isono figured he'd been hungry at the time.
Other than submitting extensive designs, the Kaiba brothers had distanced themselves from the entire event. Though presumably they would interview everyone regardless of how well the competitors placed, since their word was more final than any arbitrary numbered score, Isono hadn't seen them once at the arena. Isono just shrugged and assumed they'd show up eventually; the elder Kaiba liked to keep direct control of everyone's payroll and have the authority to fire someone at will (with extensive deliberation, of course)—the Big Five notwithstanding.
Looking down into the section of the arena he had privately dubbed Hellhole 1-B, Isono watched as the blue-haired Sonozaki woman thrashed the biggest male competitor with her bare hands. Or legs—she was very literally kicking his ass. From what Isono could tell, she hadn't needed to hit below the belt even once. The huge German man's ego was probably taking just as big of a beating as the rest of him was, especially since Sonozaki had declined to use any weapons because her opponent had not, and because she hadn't even bothered to take off her high heels.
In the other fighting rings, there was a brunet with green eyes who was determinedly roundhouse-kicking one of the headband-wearing brats all around the place, and some blue-haired guy with obnoxious orange sunglasses and more blue ink in his skin than Isono thought practical was beating the crap out of some guy who seemed to think he was a pirate—and mentioned it often—and whose wife sat by the sidelines with an expression of apathy on her face. Then there was a scream—the white-haired woman with the impossibly revealing purple outfit and whip-sword contraption had tossed the black-haired woman with the hideous laugh (that could be transcribed as "OHOHOHOHO!") into the water that surrounded all of the arenas. Isono tried not to stare and mentally made a note to take a long, cold shower after this.
Not far away, the blond with the sword like an aircraft carrier was engaged in a fierce duel with a brown-haired woman who dressed (barely) in red and white and seemed to spend most of her time trying to flounce around the ring. Or something. Either way, all the…bouncing was rather, um, distracting. In yet another ring, apparently someone had said something stupid and now there was an older (apparently, god help anyone who actually called him "old") man with gray hair like spiky wings and huge gauntlets covering his massive forearms pounding on someone with a chainsaw grafted to his wrist (who reminded Isono of Chopman, but shorter and less like a Jason Voorhees clone), all while a man in a black leather jacket and hoodie and a slightly older man in yellow and black biking attire were apparently just trying to stay out of the stupidity. Good move there, gentlemen, Isono thought.
Isono would never be able to predict the outcome of a Duel Monsters match because of the sheer number of combinations possible that could turn a match entirely around, but he felt a little more at home with straight-up fights.
Maybe that was why he'd shouted "LET'S GET READY TO RUUUUMBLE!" before everyone started mauling each other. The cosmic inspiration fairy had come calling.
Nonetheless, he wasn't all that surprised when Sonozaki was the one that walked out of the ring under her own power. Armstrong was carried out on a stretcher.
"What is my next event, Isono-san?" Sonozaki asked, not even looking winded.
Isono looked at her and then back at the clipboard by his left hand. Elsewhere, the tiny blond brat wearing orange was busy getting his ass kicked by some Chinese woman with thighs the size of her waist and huge spiked wristbands. "Report to Arena 3 to join the other finalists for the obstacle course timed event, once this event is over."
"Yes, Isono-san." Again with the monotone. It didn't get any less creepy when Sonozaki bowed deeply and walked away.
There were actually plenty of events that hadn't been on the list, as Isono found out shortly.
Then again, after watching Sonozaki accidentally send an oven into orbit and cause tofu to explode into soybean confetti, he wasn't sure if the non-combat tests were worth it. It wasn't like the Kaiba brothers actually cared if the competitors could cook—that was what the hired chefs were paid for. This seemed just to be something to amuse them, though Isono had no idea if they were watching or not most of the time.
And after seeing the white-haired woman and the chainsaw-man go at it when the rifling range would only admit one at a time, Isono could only sigh and wish for an aspirin. He wasn't quite sure what he was being punished for, but he hoped he never so offended the Kaiba brothers again.
Sonozaki was the only woman to make it to the finals. Then again, there were only two fighters left and they had started out with sixteen competitors (since three more had been waiting at the arena when the group Isono led had arrived), so maybe it wasn't that bad of a showing. Besides, the ways some of them had managed to get disqualified or lose disgracefully was worth the hours of waiting, Isono thought charitably.
Both the hood-wearing man and the one in the yellow had opted out of the swimming course. Isono didn't want to know why.
The old man had thrown out his back after nearly breaking the chainsaw man in half. Granted, it had probably been a glorious fight, but Isono had been too busy with the next incident to notice.
Somehow, the white-haired woman and the other one with the huge rack and slightly more fashion sense had gotten into some sort of altercation that resulted in the former spraining her ankle badly by landing on her heels the wrong way, but not before her whip-sword had torn the other woman's clothes so badly that she was disqualified by virtue of this fact: her prospective employer was sixteen with an eleven-year-old brother he would rather protect from mental scarring. Defeat by the modesty of other people. She stomped off in a huff after Isono had Sonozaki get her some new clothes.
The tattooed one with the angular sunglasses had refused to even begin to comply with the company dress code, shouting, "Who the hell do you think I am?" Isono had called him a menace to society and told him to clear off. That, of course, resulted in another fight, but this time the two headband brats had tackled the man for some reason and Isono was allowed to beat a hasty retreat in peace.
The woman with the hair-raising laugh had been thrown out for trying to order him around. The Kaibas would never tolerate being ordered around by someone on their payroll. Well, Isono admitted to sabotaging her chances there—he'd sent a recording of her laugh to the Kaibas and had gotten a very firm "NO" out of the older one. Apparently Mokuba needed a therapist now.
The Chinese woman had completely and utterly failed the firearms test, as had the blond man with the huge sword. As in she'd nearly killed Isono, too. Orbital ovens were one thing—failing basic gun safety that badly was a terror.
That only left Sonozaki and the brunet who apparently could roundhouse-kick his way to victory against any odds. The two were unfailingly polite, but Sonozaki was as eerie as ever and the brunet's overdone enthusiasm reminded Isono uncomfortably of zealotry. Both of them were competent but either insane or close to it. What a pair.
Still, he had orders. They assembled at the starting line and Isono grabbed a megaphone—he was back in his element. He loved being an MC; even better, the Kaiba brothers had finally decided to make their appearance.
"Is the final event starting?" Mokuba asked, walking over with his brother Seto stalking moodily not far behind.
"Yes, Kaiba-san, Kaiba-sama." Isono said, giving an awkward half-bow because he'd been caught off-guard while trying to launch into a speech. The brunet gave him a bemused look while, once again, Sonozaki's expression didn't change one bit.
"Then get on with it," the elder Kaiba said roughly, obviously short-tempered today. Isono nodded hurriedly—Seto was wearing his blue duster coat, which meant that there had been an accident at the dry-cleaner's again. He didn't want that anger taken out on him.
"Attention dueli—Wait, no. Ahem. Attention competitors!" Isono said into his megaphone, feeling the elder Kaiba's glare burning into the back of his head. "Are you ready to begin?"
There were two short nods, and the curly-haired brunet said, "Yes, my lord!" loudly. Sonozaki showed emotion for the first time that day—annoyance—and smacked him on the back of the head.
"Very well," Isono said, ignoring the breach of sportsmanship rules. "Go!"
Sonozaki seemed to vanish into thin air three feet from the starting line. Aside from her long blue hair trailing behind, she was a blur.
"She's fast!" Mokuba said in astonishment, staring as the blue-haired woman moved like a snake among weeds. Or possibly a shark in open ocean. Either way, she was burning through the obstacle course with almost insulting ease, dodging the flame and rotating blade hazards as if she was born to do it. The curly-haired teenager was keeping up, though, and once or twice came close enough to yank on Sonozaki's hair if he'd wanted to.
When she actually ran across the steel cables linking two of the platforms rather than swinging along the rungs like a sane person would do, and as the green-eyed brunet was forced to, Mokuba said in awe, "She has to be a ninja."
Seto said nothing. He was watching as the brunet was starting to flounder—well, not starting anymore. One of the rope snares Mokuba had suggested had caught the teenager by his ankle and hauled him into the air. Seto was abruptly reminded of Bandit Keith for some reason, and recalled that Jounouchi had once bragged to him about giving the huge American a vicious beatdown. For Seto, anyone who managed to lose to that blond was a complete idiot not worth considering, though he had been the North American Duel Monsters champion before Pegasus had schooled him through magical cheating. Given that he'd been beaten by such a stupid gambit, though…yes, the teenager currently suspended from a support beam in the Mud Zone was indeed that big of an idiot. There had been floating stepping-stones there for a reason. In his mind, Seto had already disqualified that one for incompetence.
The blue-haired woman, meanwhile, was easily plowing through the spinning wood-and-steel Training Dummies of Death, apparently by just leaping from the top of one to another and so on. He had no idea how that worked.
"She's almost at the finish line!" Mokuba said excitedly, and when Seto actually bothered to look, he saw that the blue-haired woman was indeed already on the final platform. Apparently aware that she had no more competition, she walked casually to the finish marker and punched the red STOP button. Her time came up on Isono's laptop—3 minutes and 37 seconds.
Seto mentally shook his head. It was a great showing, he'd admit reluctantly, but that wasn't enough. Without turning to Isono, he asked, "Who is she and what are her records?"
Isono stumbled briefly before thumbing through the sheets on his clipboard. "Ah…her name is Sonozaki Kotone. She tied for first in the hand-to-hand round, third in firearms proficiency, last in stir-fry since she somehow made tofu explode, and third in weapon combat…without using a weapon of any kind."
Seto raised his eyebrows a fraction of an inch. Unfortunately, Mokuba saw it. Seto could already see brotherly but still irritating interrogation on this subject later.
Isono shrugged. "There hasn't been an interview so far, Kaiba-sama. We don't know much more than that."
Seto gave him a Look and said flatly, "Then schedule one with her, and with anyone else you think might actually be any good. The rest can get lost. Come on, Mokuba." Spotting the blue-haired woman standing purposelessly at one end of the platform, he called to her, "Sonozaki-san."
"Yes?" she responded, apparently not noticing the teenager's distress or else not caring.
"Get him out of that." Seto said, indicating the brunet hanging upside-down from the pole. His tone brooked no argument.
She looked over at the teenager as if she had just noticed him. "Yes, Kaiba-san."
Not sure if she understood but unwilling to ask, Seto watched as she bounced from stepping-stone to stepping-stone to pillar and back again and, eventually, reaching the teenager and starting to climb up to reach the rope and untie him. All the while, Seto was calculating.
In lieu of any stronger candidates, he would probably hire her as a probationary member of Mokuba's security detail. But if she failed at anything, well, that was another paycheck he didn't have to balance and another security member he'd have to replace. It happened often enough. And better yet, he wouldn't have to manage her pension.
It was a win-win situation for him.
Isono nodded meekly as his employers left the building, silently thanking anyone who had been listening to his prayers. He hadn't gotten in trouble yet today.
"State your name for the record, Sonozaki-san." Seto said carefully, eyeing the recorder he had placed on the table to make sure he didn't forget his manners. This would be the official record in case something went wrong and he had to sue.
"Yes, Kaiba-san. My name is Sonozaki Kotone." Sonozaki said in a clear but bland voice. Seto kept his expression even. If she could keep a perfectly unreadable poker face, so could he. Despite that, he couldn't help but feel a twinge of unease. She hadn't broken eye contact once, and those red eyes were eerily similar to Yugi's when he had a personality flip to the "sadist" setting.
"Age?" he asked.
"I will be twenty-three next Sunday, Kaiba-san." Sonozaki replied, still not breaking eye contact or blinking.
"Do you have any references?" he asked, trying to ignore the blank stare. He could deal with jealousy, rage, and a confident glare to match his own, but utter blankness was not something he was accustomed to.
"Yes." She pointed at the small stack of folders and loose papers near his left hand, but very politely. "You will find that everything is in order. I also have no record of criminal misconduct."
That just means you haven't been caught, Seto countered mentally. Though he had to admit that he had no idea what a woman with this sort of personality would even do. Kill someone by boring them out of their minds? Death by staring contest? Regardless of her abilities, Seto could already see that she was the blandest person he had ever met—well, disregarding the women that always seemed to show up at KaibaCorp functions with the intent to seduce him. They just pretended they had personalities. "I see. Your record is spotless."
She nodded, acknowledging his comment but not adding anything of her own to the conversation. It was like talking to a brick wall.
Other than his suspicions, though, he really had no reason to suspect her of anything. She struck him as the bland, unimaginative sort who would follow orders to the letter, and that was fine. For an actual bodyguard for Mokuba, one that would keep him safe, Seto could tolerate some creepiness.
He shrugged mentally and, hoping that this wouldn't be like the last fifteen times he'd picked up a decent candidate, said, "In that case, it seems like everything is in order. Pending a three-month probationary period, you're hired. And," here Seto had to keep himself from making a face while he pulled out the sixty-page document, "my brother has an addendum to your contract, before you sign it. He asked that you move your possessions into the mansion and live there. And that you disguise yourself as a maid."
Finally, he got a reaction out of her—she blinked and her eyebrows went up slightly. "As a maid?"
"Is there an echo in here?" Seto asked sarcastically, unable to help himself. "Yes, as a maid. The element of surprise is the best advantage in any fight."
"I understand, Kaiba-san." Sonozaki said, and she took the huge stack of paper from him.
Seto felt a brief flash of something—like static electricity or an insect sting—when she touched the contract while he was still holding it. He glared at his hand—Time to stop being superstitious, stupid, he told himself—and dropped it unceremoniously in her hands. "Sign here, and here…and here…"
It went on for what felt like hours. At the end, all Seto wanted was to throw himself into the new Duel Disk designs, but it was not to be. Meeting at three, as usual.
A/N: The various cameos in this chapter are as follows. Can you spot them all?
Alex Louis Armstrong from FullMetal Alchemist (sorry, needed a jobber).
Naga from Slayers.
Sasuke and Naruto from Naruto.
Kururugi Suzaku from Code Geass.
Mai Shiranui from Fatal Fury.
Heihachi from Tekken.
Ash from the Evil Dead series.
Guybrush Threepwood from Tales of Monkey Island (and his wife).
Ivy Valentine from the Soul Series.
Kamina from Toppa Tengan Gurren Lagann.
Alex Mercer from Prototype.
Cole McGrath from inFAMOUS.
Chun Li from Street Fighter.
Cloud Strife from Final Fantasy VII.
And I have no idea what came over me to include so many characters.