Robert Crawley paced his dressing room and cursed himself for being the most foolish man he knew. He had lost his wife's money, sided with the Dr. who may or may not have aided in the death of his youngest daughter, fought Matthew regarding the running of Downton ... but this. This was the worst mistake of all, and he had made plenty in his life. This was the one he wished he could go back and undo most of all. He had been foolish, lustful, childish. He had been lonely and felt un-useful and had allowed himself to kiss the maid, not once, not twice … 3 times.
"Stupid fool!" he cursed himself out loud.
He had thought in keeping his silence all these years he was protecting Cora. No-one could make him feel worse about matters than he already had, what good could come of her knowing he had reasoned with himself. She would just be hurt, angry, made to feel lacking and he did not want her to feel any of those things. It had been his mistake and therefore his burden to bear … alone. He had pushed the guilt away after some time, and mostly forgotten the entire incident had ever occurred. And then O'Brien left, and all hell broke loose and his world had come crashing down upon his head.
"Damn her" he muttered as he thought of his wife's old maid. The conniving woman had left a trail of disaster in her wake and he wanted to curse her for it.
"O'Brien wrote it in this letter Robert … are you still denying the affair? She saw you!"
"There was no affair, I swear it"
"What purpose does she have to lie? Why would she, when she has left and with a reference there is no reason Robert, none."
"There was a kiss Cora, yes, I admit that, but nothing more. Never anything more"
"O'Brien saw this, this … maid … leaving your room, smoothing her dress and quite pink in the cheeks. Tell me Robert – what does that sound like to you?"
"I know, I know it looks terrible. It is, it is terrible, but it was not anything more than a kiss … a terribly ill timed, wrong kiss and I should never have allowed it, I am sorry Cor…"
"Oh get your hands off me, you disgust me! You disgust me! How could you think I would want you anywhere near me after you'd been with her?"
"It was nothing more than a kiss, I swear it, Cora you have to believe me"
"I have to do nothing … and I don't believe you."
He closed his eyes as he recalled the words Cora had told him when she found out. Damn O'Brien! If he had just told her himself she would have believed that it was just a kiss … but now … she didn't believe a word he said. Damn it. He was to blame, there was no way around it. It had been his own doing, his own mistake and now he was left dealing with the aftermath of what he had done.
A week later and dinner continued to be a silent affair, Cora had not so much as looked in his direction for the entire week. She had spoken with Mary, Edith and Tom who he was sure by now had figured out there was a problem between he and Cora. Cora acted as if everything was normal with the exception of her dealings with her husband. She ignored him. Walked out of the room when he entered, and answered his direct questions in clipped tones. It was the worst kind of torture. He had slept in his dressing room and given her space. He thought perhaps if he stepped back and gave her time to be angry she might be ok, but a week later and it was the same as it had been day 1.
After dinner she had retired straight away and so Robert had drowned his sorrows in his drink. He hadn't meant to drink that much, he couldn't remember how much he had had. He sat and thought about his current state of affairs. Damn O'Brien, Damn himself for kissing Jane, Damn Damn Damn! The more he had drunk the more angry he got. He missed Cora. He missed her eyes looking at him, and the feel of her skin beneath his hands. He missed the way she breathed in his ear and the feel of her lips. Encouraged by his copious amount of liquor he fumbled his way upstairs and burst into her room with a great flourish.
"I'm here. I'm here for you my love" he announced as he stumbled into her room. Cora sat up straight and looked up from her book and rolled her eyes.
"Go to bed Robert" she clipped at him and turned her gaze back to her book.
"I want to see my beautiful wife" he explained, his words messily strewn together.
"You are drunk. Please leave" she did not even look up from her book, but she heard footsteps and then felt the bed move as he fell onto it. She put her book down startled and jumped out of bed.
"Robert!" she yelled, "get up, you are not sleeping here"
"I want to sleep with my wife" he slurred. Cora let out an irritated sigh and made her way around the other side of the bed.
"Get up" she reached and pulled on his arms helping him to get up and off her bed. She did not want to deal with this right now. He was drunk, so very drunk and she was overly tired. Finally he stood and walked with her towards the door until he stopped dead in his tracks and looked at her.
"I want to hold you. I want to look into your eyes … oh your beautiful eyes" he slurred his words and his breath smelled of whiskey and cigars.
"You're drunk. Go to bed" she said forcefully as she turned back toward her own bed. She was stopped by his arm grabbing hers and she pulled it away from him. "Don't touch me" she spat as he reached for her again, this time he held her with greater force and spun her to him.
"I'm sorry Cora. I love you" his words were so slurred she could barely make them out, running his eyes up and down her length he pulled his arms around her trapping her beneath his embrace. Cora tried to push against his chest and remove herself from his grasp but he held on too tightly. She struggled against him.
"Let me go" she demanded, moving in his arms to free herself.
"I don't want to, I love you. Oh, I love your body and your lips, and you eyes." He was wobbly on his feet and yet his grip was like a vice. She could not get free of him despite her best efforts.
"Let me go!" she yelled at him. "You are drunk. You disgust me" the harder she fought against him the harder he gripped her. Her hands were stuck between their bodies crushed against his chest. He leaned in closer as he pulled her tighter, the places where he pressed his hands into her back and sides began to hurt as he pulled her against him she grimaced as he brought his head to her ear. He tried to whisper but his drunken state did not allow it and he spoke loudly into her ear.
"I want you. You are the only one I want. I am so sorry my love." Before Cora could react he bought his lips around to her face and crashed his lips to hers in an aggressive kiss. Cora pulled her head back separating from his alcohol smelling mouth.
"What the hell is wrong with you? Get out. Let me go" she demanded again. He was so drunk he could barely stand, she wondered how his grip could remain so tight in such a state. If he would just leave and lay down in his room she was sure he would pass out in seconds.
"Cora" he groaned, she felt his excitement prod her in the hip and she swallowed hard. Oh no. This was worse than she had thought. He was drunk, aggressive, and very turned on. She had never been scared of her husband, he had never given her cause to be, but tonight he was teetering on the edge and she felt she would have to maneuver this carefully.
"Aaahhh" he moaned as he pushed his lips against her neck roughly, "You're the one I want. You are so hot. You make me feel so good" his words ran together in a drunken slur and he moved forward pushing her towards the bed. She had no choice but to move with him, she was stuck beneath his grasp.
"Robert" she spoke more gently, "you need to sleep, go and lie down". She thought perhaps if she could act less angry with him he might actually hear her words and let go.
"I want to feel you, the way it was" he murmured his slurred words against her ear as he pushed her further to the bed. The back of her legs hit the bed, and then she was falling back with Robert on top of her. She braced herself for the moment his body impacted hers but it didn't come. He let go of her with one hand and stopped himself from crashing into her before he came to lay on top of her, his body flush against hers. Cora pushed against his chest with her palms.
"Get off me!" she yelled and slammed her fists against his masculine frame. She could have been hitting him with a feather for all the good it did. With one hand he pulled one of hers away from his chest and held it above her head as he crashed his lips against hers. The smell of alcohol invaded her mouth as his tongue rammed itself inside urgently, his other hand groping clumsily at her breast.
"Cora, Oh Cora" he mumbled drunkenly against her lips, "oh God I love you" he moved his hand up to the side of her face and she shook her head to get it off her. She felt tears springing in her eyes at the emotions welling within. He was drunk, she wasn't really afraid of him but she was disappointed and mad at the way he was handling her. They had always been so in tune with their needs and wants from each other, but tonight he was so very drunk and forceful and he was abbraisvely taking advantage of her. It made her want to slap him for it. She felt powerless to move under his weight and so she stopped struggling and let his hands roam her body and his lips kiss her face and neck. She lay, impassive beneath him and when she let out a sob she was relieved to see his head come up and look at her. She cried because she felt the intensity of so many emotions welling within her. She felt powerless beneath him and yet she felt a longing for him, for the way it was, the way they made love together. She felt betrayed, she felt the whole situation was wrong, and yet so right, or it could have been. She couldn't make sense of it
"Don't cry" he begged, his voice sounded so different in his inebriated state. She had heard him drunk before, but tonight he was blind drunk. She doubted he would recall a single event of the night, she doubted she could forget.
Gently, with a tear running down her cheek she replied, "Please Robert. I don't want to do this now. Please let's just go to bed"
He looked down at her and pushed himself up onto his hands bringing his body off hers, realization beginning to settle across his face. As if he still did not understand he spoke softly, "But I love you"
Cora reached her palm up to the side of his face and he leaned against it, "I know you do. But it's time for sleep now" she said softly as she bought her free hand up to his chest and pushed gently against him to move him further away. He allowed her to move him and stood up. Cora sat up and smoothed her hair taking a deep breath. She had not been truly afraid of him, not really, but he had shaken her with his aggression and power. Standing beside him she grasped his hand and led him to the bed, pulling back the covers and laying him down. Moments later she heard him snoring and knew he had passed out. With a heavy sigh she turned around and made her way to his dressing room, laying under his blankets she curled her legs to her chest and tried to sleep.