In the Shadow of My Mind
Darkness. Pain. Horrible taste in my mouth. They were the only things going through my mind as I tried to open my eyes and failed miserably. I tried to move but found my body to be a lot heavier than I had anticipated. I groaned at the pain moving caused my body, which was stiff and sore. I didn't want to see the damage done to it, afraid of what I would see.
What happened? I thought wearily as I tried to recall the events of the previous day. Suddenly, my memories came swarming back to me, the hike, the storm, the fall. How am I alive? I thought, no one could've survived that fall, and even if the rocks didn't do the job then the tide would certainly have dragged an unconscious victim out to their watery grave. Wouldn't it? Or am I dead? Shit, I am aren't I? The demons with the black eyes and horns and the instruments of torture and the fire, they're probably waiting for me to wake up so I'd have some hope of being alive. Nasty sons of bitches I hissed to myself, well screw you Satan! I don't believe in hope so HA! Where's the fun in torturing me now?
At that point I thought that for the good of my own sanity and life, or afterlife, that talking to myself and making fun of the devil probably wasn't the best way to go about this "hell" thing...
Thinking that it was probably in my best interest to see where I was exactly, I slowly and painfully opened my eyes. How can it hurt to open your eyes? I grumbled to myself. It's Hell, idiot, everything is supposed to hurt.
My vision was blurred for some time, during which I concentrated on how my body was shaped up. If I were to say it lightly, my entire body hurt like Hell, how ironic, but when I focused, I could tell that it was my right leg, back and neck that were the things really killing me. It was like a red hot burning sensation all the way down through my spine and I was afraid of what that might mean.
Look at it this way Freya, when the demons see that you're awake, your back isn't the only thing that's going to worry you! Most likely they'll just carve you up and when there's nothing left, bring you back and start again. And again. And again.
Oh would you just shut up! I don't need my own mind to tell me what I already know!
When my vision finally cleared after what felt like forever, I noticed that I wasn't facing the fires of Hell, I wasn't in an underground cave with lava and fire shooting from the ground, there wasn't a red man with hooves, horns and a fork tail... ok you have GOT to stop watching the Simpsons Halloween, I chided myself. Instead of Hell, I was lying on m side facing the sea, although this ocean was much calmer than the one I remembered from yesterday. I couldn't help noticing how beautiful it looked. The water glittered like crystals and the waves were such a blue I had never seen before, it seemed to shift between teal and cobalt, and with the suns refection crystallising the surface, it looked like stars in the day-time. So unusual, yet so lovely.
Is this what Hell is? Or is this perhaps the waiting room or something, giving the damned yet another false sense of hope that they might be in Heaven before being dragged down to the Underworld?
The horrible taste that dried my mouth out as well as my throat and was absolutely disgusting was sand, but I didn't have the energy to try getting it out. Figuring that this was Hells waiting room, I decided to look around the nicer scenery before it was ripped from me completely and I was doomed to suffer an eternity of pain. But wasn't that what I was doing when I was alive? Suffering? Would Hell be any different?
Probably not, I concluded, I've been in Hell for the last seven years...
Unfortunately, trying to crane my neck to see any more of my surroundings seemed to be a tougher feat than I originally thought, and I thought that it'd be pretty hard in the first place! Curse my body for its incompetence! I hated not being able to move, afraid of being helpless, under the mercy of some stranger that may come by... like last time. That accursed stranger had put me through those long years of hell and pain, before which I didn't know of such pain, I was peaceful. He was a demon. They all were, all those people who disturbed my peace were demons. I hated them.
The anger that coursed through me gave me renewed strength to turn my neck slightly upwards to the sky. There wasn't a cloud, not even a wisp, just the intense, never-ending mass of blue that covered the sky in all its glory. I could just make out the side of the cliff that I had fallen off...
Wait, it's still there? Wh-why? I'm in Hell, remember, not at the scene where I fell...
Then why are the cliffs and the sea still there? Said the voice of logic to me.
Painfully craning my neck further, I saw that there were indeed rocks along the shore, but they were smooth and rounded, not jagged and sharp like the ones I remembered but then again, I was terrified and shocked and all, maybe it was my mind playing tricks on me, that the rocks were sharp, I had assumed the worst so my mind showed me the worse.
It wouldn't be the first time that my mind deceived me like that. Damn it! I don't know what to believe! Am I here? Am I not? Am I dead? Is this all jus a hallucination? Or worse, am I still bloody alive! Ugh!
Face it Freya, your life sucks...
Groaning at the new pain that had found its way to my head, I tried to move my body in any given way, I wasn't exactly in a very comfortable position, my right arm and leg were numb and I could feel the familiar sense of pins and needles surface on them. Turning back to the sea, I tried to roll myself so that I lay on my back. Cursing under my breath, I swung with all my might to the left, hissing at the pain that went shooting up my back and shoulders but I didn't give up. Looking at it in a very mean but logical way, if I stopped, I'd be back lying on my side until I wanted to try again in which case I'd have to try turning over again and the pain would come back.
Might as well get it over with now, I thought bitterly.
Taking a breath, I heaved and pushed myself over to my back, feeling myself swing over, I gave myself a mental pat on the back considering I didn't have the strength to even lift my arm, and then there was the thing with patting my back probably killing me!
Take that! Now, here comes more pain... I thought to myself as swung over.
At the sudden contact of my back to the sand I let out a pained gasp, it hurt, to say the least, and took a while for the pain to subside to an uncomfortable, sore numbness. Exhausted by my victory, I felt my eyes close involuntarily, the lids suddenly as heavy as my beaten body.
Wait, no I can't fall asleep, the tide might be coming in soon, and I'll be swept out for sure!
But despite my better judgement, I felt my body switch off the circuits and darkness crept upon my consciousness. I fought my hardest but it was futile. In a matter of seconds, darkness consumed me.
Two days later...
Warm wet goo covered my face as I was roused from my first peaceful slumber in a long time. Groaning, I felt another spell of the soft, warm material that was leaving the trail of goo on my face accompanied by a small whimper. Awake now, but with my eyes still closed, I realised that there was something there, a presence beside me. Knowing I couldn't escape it if it was a beast looking for a quick meal even if I tried, I hesitantly opened my eyes to face, was it my first doom or my second? I still hadn't decided, to a large snout with a wet tongue lolling out of its mouth. I could see a large set of sharp teeth and knew it was the end. Looking up to face whatever the hell it was, I saw two big amber eyes and large pointed ears.
Despite my bravery and love of animals, I shrieked in shock, my sore throat forgotten with the realisation that I was face to face with one of the most dangerous and skilled hunting animals in the world! A wolf! A huge wolf! Bigger than I had ever seen, It's snout alone was the width of my head!
At the sudden shriek, the wolf did the most unexpected thing, it yelped, going on its hind legs and falling on its ass. Even though I fully realised the danger of my situation, I couldn't help but laugh at the sight of the wolf sitting there in as much shock as I was. It now looked at me with wary eyes, trying to calculate my next move.
'So what?' I croaked, 'you here to finish me off? Well it's about fucking time you got here!'
The wolf tilted its shaggy, black head in confusion of my words. Or was it recognition?
'Well? What are you waiting for? An invitation? Well sorry to break it to you champ, but I ain't begging for death, not again, so you can just go on and eat me or you can go away.' I threw at the wolf.
The wolf raised its head and got up, Oh nice one Freya; piss the thing off, now you'll get out of here!
The wolf cautiously made its way back over to my useless form and bent its head to my face. It started sniffing me. Well that's rude. The wolf continued to sniff for a few seconds before it blew in my face, Oh jeez, what's it doing now? I thought. Suddenly, the wolf nudged my face gently looking expectantly in my eyes.
'What on Earth are you doing?' I demanded, though I figured I had lost my mind, talking to wolves.
Up... I heard the voice in my head as clear as I could hear someone talking.
Up... the voice repeated, up... up... up... up... up... the wolfs head seemed to be moving up in sync to the words in my head.
'You? You're the one talking in my head? Ha-Ha, Ok, right, it's official! I have lost my mind! I'm not just hearing voices, they're wolf voices! Oh, isn't this just...peachy!' I called. A rush of insults went through my head, stupid wolf, fleabag, mutt. I would have loved to call it all them but something in me just didn't have the heart despite how pissed I was at it.
The voice stopped. Well, so I thought.
No...up...? The wolf tilted its head.
I sighed, might as well just go along with it, doesn't matter, I'm already a goner, 'No, I can't get up, because in case it escaped your notice, I'm a bit worse for wear as it is, note the cuts and bruises.'
To my amazement, the wolf's eyes seemed to scan my body before landing on my face again. It sat down and I could have sworn the look on its face was that of contemplation. Rolling my eyes I turned my attention to the sky, giving the wolf some time to "think".
I noticed that there wasn't as much pain in my body as before, but I wouldn't say that it was gone, there was still a good amount of pain but it seemed to have eased a bit in my back. My mouth was still extremely dry and I smacked my lips together, trying to bring some moisture to the desert that become of my mouth. Sighing at the hopelessness of the task, I noticed that it was around dusk and the stars were beginning to come out.
Is it just me or are the stars brighter? And closer? What is going on?
A gruff dragged me from my thoughts and I looked over at the wolf. It came closer to me and laid its body next to mine. It leaned into me, all the while staring at me with that expectant look on its face, I was starting to hate that look. Every time it gave it to me, it expected me to do something I couldn't. I leaned into me again.
'What? What do you want me to do now?' I sighed tiredly at the wolf.
Hold... on... the voice in my head said. I made a note that the voice in my head was male, so I had better stop calling him "it".
He looked at me again, before reaching over my body with its large head and gently grasping my arm in his mouth before pulling in over its monstrous back.
Hold...on... he said with a bit more force.
Freya suddenly understood what he was planning on doing, 'Oh no, no, no, no! There is no way that you are carrying me anywhere! You'll probably just bring me to your fancy, mind-talking pack and eat me there!' I shouted at him.
He looked kind of hurt at that and I immediately felt bad for some reason, 'Ok, I'm sorry, but I'm really not in the mood and you're little tricks are a bit chaotic.' I spoke softly to him this time.
He barked, and with his mouth open and tongue lolling, it looked as if he were smiling.
'Oh fine then. I'm going to regret this but what the heck,' I sighed. I knew I was either mad or delusional so I just went along with it. 'I'm a dead woman either way.'
Not...dead...
With the arm that was already on his fur, I gripped it tightly and slowly tried to move my lower body. Inching my leg further and further over his large frame, I felt the warmth seeping from his body as I was finally able to pull myself over, although he did help by leaning further into me, giving me a better grip on the soft yet strong fur that covered his body.
'You're one fluffy, pup aren't you?' I laughed at him.
No pup... no pup... big wolf...very big wolf...
'Ha-Ha, you got that right, champ, you're a big fella alright!'
When I was sure I was secure on his back, I gave him a little pat on the shoulder to let him know. My body still ached but his warmth made me less stiff. Carefully he rose from his lying position to his full height on four legs, which was a good bit off the ground, I noticed from his back. He began walking slowly along the coast towards who knows where but I didn't mind, he obviously had something planned.
'So, since you can talk and all, what's your name?' I felt strange trying to make conversation with a wolf but no matter.
No name. Just a wolf. He replied in my head, sadly.
'You don't have a name? But if you can talk, then –'
No talk. Talk when you come.
Uncertain of what to make of that last statement I went on with my last question, 'So, no name? Damn. Well why don't we give you one?'
I could feel his tail wagging as he barked happily.
Name. Yes please. Name for the wolf!
Laughing at his excitement, I considered him and his personality, well what you could make out of a wolf's personality.
'Hmm, what about Buzz?' I asked
He snorted in disgust at that and looked back at her.
'Ok! Ok! What about Jake?'
He growled.
'Ok fine! Right, jeez touchy much. Fiery aren't you? Wait, I know. How does Chaos sound? I mean you have some attitude and all.' I stated matter-of-factly.
Chaos...Chaos...My name... Chaos. Yes. Yes, Chaos.
Chaos barked joyfully at his new name and took on a quicker.
You...name? Chaos asked in my head.
'My name is Freya, Chaos. Nice to meet you, I think.'
Lady Freya? Chaos look after you. Freya Chaos' friend.
Freya smiled softly at that, 'Yeah, Chaos Freya's friend too.' I said as I closed my eyes.
Freya? Chaos not stupid? Not mutt?
'What?' Freya asked, confused. Then she remembered all those little insults that came to mind when she was pissed at him, 'You can read my mind! What the fuck?'
You...read...Chaos'...mind...too
'Really? Oh. Well, keep out! Privacy!' I chastised Chaos.
Yes Freya...
I rolled my eyes at his obedience, 'No, you're not stupid Chaos. You're not a mutt. So where are we off to?'
The Grey Haven, Lady Freya...