Guarding Stephanie Part 2
The Rangeman Bodyguard Handbook: All You Ever Need to Know about Guarding Stephanie, But Were Afraid to Ask
Written by Lester, Bobby, Tank, Woody, Binky, and Hal ( Steph's favorites)
The following book provides all information you need to know in various situations when guarding Stephanie. ( Most of which we have learned the hard way.)
Always bring donuts. Steph hates being guarded and will complain about it endlessly unless you give her something better to do with her mouth. ( No, not THAT you perv… we're talking donuts.) If she is eating ( the donuts) she cannot complain to Ranger about you tailing/guarding her.
Make sure you have an extra gun. And extra ammo. Steph hates guns and always forgets hers.
Be ready to talk. Ok, we know. Talking is not in your contract. Its not what Rangemen are all about. We are all about big muscles, and big, er…guns. But Steph gets bored easily and will talk to you. Worse yet she will try to make you talk back. So be ready to tell her stuff like where you got your nickname ( provided the story is clean) or other embarrassingly private things.
Be prepared for fidgeting. Yes, we know. You go into "your zone" on stakeouts. But Stephanie doesn't. She will fidget and squirm and it will drive you crazy until you learn to be amused by it.
Master the "blank face." This is what Steph calls the emotionless expression we all mastered in the military to avoid giving away our thoughts. You will need to master the blank face in order to avoid letting Steph know that you are unable to resist her smile. She is a master of getting what she wants with her smile, but don't let her know it.
Have eyes in the back of your head. Steph will try to escape you, especially if you are following in the car. Always have GPS on and call HQ if you lose her. She is also known for sneaking out bathroom windows to escape you. Be alert and don't let the smile fool you. Also, remember the age old " sneaking out the ladies room window" trick.
Control your physical reactions. Steph is HOT, but she's Ranger's, so don't come on to her unless you want to die. However, you will probably be with her in some compromising situations, ( shopping at Victoria's secret, going to the hairdresser, etc.) if she gives you a hard-on, ignore it. It happens to all of us, just do not let her see it. And definitely don't act on it. Usually, thinking about Steph's Grandma Mazur will help quell any hard-ons.
Never Let Steph get Her Hands on your weapon- especially stun guns. She has been known to charm Rangemen (we aren't naming names) out of their weapons, particularly stun guns, and then she used the gun on said Rangemen. Avoid this at all costs, or you will be the butt of jokes forever.
Always sweep her apartment before she goes in. Steph is a magnet for psychos, and they usually get into her apartment. ALWAYS check her apartment before letting her go in. Failure to do so that leads to her being hurt/kidnapped is punishable by immediate firing.
Tell Ranger EVERYTHING. Be sure to tell Ranger about ANYTHING that happens, from Steph getting upset to her getting hurt to a car blowing up, to someone looking at her funny. Ranger must know everything , but Steph will try to get you to tell him nothing. Don't fall for it. If Ranger later finds out something you should have told him, he'll kick your ass. Also, tell Ranger if she is in a weird mood or if her behavior is anything other than normal ( for her.)
Always look like a badass. Not only will it make you an excellent bodyguard, but it will also attract the chicks. Be sure you biceps are big enough to strain your black Rangeman shirt.
Come up with a cute pet name to call Steph. Most of us call her "Bomber" because ,well, bombs are attracted to her, or Bombshell, since she is one, but she isn't fond of either. BABE is off limits to anyone but Ranger, and "sweetie" is taken.
Always have Bobby's number on speed dial. Bobby is the medic and as such he is always on call for Steph's little accidents. She HATES hospitals, and will fight you every step of the way about going to one, even if she needs to. Bobby is a good alternative., especially if its just stitches. General rule: Take Steph to hospital if she has passed out or is bleeding profusely, otherwise, its Bobby. DO not let her deter you from getting her some sort of medical help.
Steps to follow when Steph's car blows up. Yes, you read that right. its not if, its when. First, be sure to get her away from it BEFORE it blows. Call 911 or Bobby if she is injured ( see above). Be sure to call the control room so we know she's ok and Ranger doesn't have to race over there. Also, Joe Morelli WILL come to any 911 call with Steph, so be prepared to get rid of him.
Carry "Stephanie emergency" bag in vehicle at all times. This consists of a weapon, extra clothes ( she tends to get filthy a lot), bandages, a new cell phone, and Tastycakes or other sweets. NEVER leave Rangeman without this bag.
DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, LAUGH WHEN STEPH GETS FILTHY. Sometimes she gets covered with food and it is extremely funny. But remember blank face (see #5 above). She will get offended if you laugh and she has a long memory, also Ranger will kick your ass. Just get clothes from emergency Stephanie bag ( see above.)
Do not let Steph out of your sight. And absolutely never let her out of your reach. This can be hard when she goes into the ladies room or the dressing room at the store. Stand outside and time how long she is there. If you think it is too long, check on her.
Obviously, you should never let her get hurt. This sounds easy, right.? That's because you don't know Steph. She constantly gets into situations where she can get hurt. If you try to stop her, she will evade you and do it anyway, or tell Ranger you wouldn't let her do something she wanted to.
Know when ( and how) to touch her. Touching Steph is usually a no-no, but there are certain situations where it might need to be done. You might need to her out of a place ( burning car) or into a place ( your SUV). Manhandling her is a definite no-no. Unless it is necessary to save her life. And even then, be ready to explain to Ranger why you did it.
Be Prepared for excitement and to absolutely fall in love with her. We all have. And despite the fact that guarding her is a pain in the ass, we all love her and wouldn't want it any other way.