Disclaimer: I do not own Eragon.
A Big Fat Eragon parody
Chapter 1
Although a certain elf might have been having a bad day, someone 30 miles from them wasn't."Easiest...game...ever." said Erredgon, observing a deer. He was hunting in the mountain range called the Spleen for it's unusual shape. The deer he saw was staring blankly into the sky, totally oblivious to the arrow our young protagonist was about to send into it. Suddenly, the deer turned its attention to Erredgon. However, it didn't run away. It just made a strange sound that Erredgon could've sworn was laughter. He ignored it and was about to put it out of his good humor when THUNK!
When Erredgon woke up, he found himself with a large bump on his head and a strange, purple object lying next to him. The deer was long gone. "Well, this is better than nothing..." he thought as he massaged his bump. After picking up the ovular purple thingy, he slowly made his way through the spleen back towards Palincar valley, where he lived in a small village named Carvahull. "Maybe I can pawn this off somewhere..." he thought. He went over to the butcher's shop. "Hey, Slow, I have a deal to make..." "It's Slown! With an N!" "Whatever. But anyways, don't you get tired of accepting coins for payment, day in and day out? Wouldn't you rather have something like... this!?" Erredgon whipped out the strange object. "Idiot! Don't you know the king's soldiers have been looking for that?" "Ummm..." stuttered Erredgon. "What rock smashed into your head?" taunted Slown. Sure enough, two burly soldiers had turned to look at Erredgon.
The soldiers dashed towards him. Erredgon quickly slipped away. However, the soldiers stopped at the butcher's shop. "Wow! You're giving away meat for rocks now? Can I have some?" said one of them, plunking down some pebbles. "What! I am not!" said Slown, shocked. Then he noticed Erredgon, who had left his purple egg on the table, and was quickly walking away. Then he noticed that one of his chickens was missing. "Hmmm..." thought Slown. "Hmmmmmmmmmm..." Suddenly everything clicked into place. Grabbing the purple thing, he dashed out of his shop and chased after Erredgon, who was stuffing a dead chicken into his pack. "Take your stinkin' purple thing back!" roared Slown, as he hurtled it at Erredgon. THUNK! It slammed into Erredgon's head. "Not again..." he muttered as he fell to the ground, becoming unconscious.
He woke up to find another nasty bruise. The mysterious purple object was still there though, so he shoved it back into his pack, and made off for his home. A lot of time had elapsed since he had got hit with the thing the second time, and it was almost night. As soon as he got home, he dropped right on his bed and began dozing off, tired and hungry. The next morning, he awoke and came into the kitchen, where his father was eating an omelet. A purple omelet. "Mmm! I've never had anything this tasty! Where'd you find that egg, son?" "In the spleen." His father dropped the omelet, sprinted over to the sink, and began puking. "Are you not going to finish that omelet?" Erredgon asked. His father was too busy barfing. Eragon shrugged and took the omelet. He took a bite out of it. "Needs more flavoring," he critiqued.
Meanwhile, Brum was waiting patiently in his house. He checked his watch. "It can't be long until Erredgon comes" he thought pleasantly. Sure enough, a few seconds later, his door opened and Erredgon came through. "Hey, Bum, I have a question to ask..." "It's Brum! With an R!" "Whatever. So, anyways, I found this purple ovular thing in the spleen, and," "It hatched?" Brum butted in. "Uh, no. My father made it into an omelet. Do you know what spices I should use?" Brum stared at him in disbelief for a few seconds. Then..."YOU LET IT BE MADE INTO AN OMELET!?" Brum hollered. "Yeah, I know, deviled eggs would have been better, but we can't fix that now. Do you think I should add salt? Or MSG?" Erredgon said impatiently.
"Do you know what you just did?" Brum roared, his hands slowly advancing upon Erredgon's throat. Our protagonist quickly backed away. "Um, mentioned a spice that doesn't exist in this time period?" said Erredgon quickly. "No you fool, you ruined our chances of defeating Gall-bladdorix!" "We're trying to defeat king Gall-bladdorix?" "Exactly!" "And how does making an omelet hamper this cause?" Brum sighed and calmed down. "Let me explain... A long time ago, to stop invaders from coming into our land, the elves, humans, and dragons banded together to form the dragon hiders, an order of humans and elves who rode on dragons. When ever an enemy came near, the valiant dragon hiders would flee and hide. Sadly, even this brilliant tactic didn't stop king Gall-bladdorix from conquering all of Alahazeia with his massive armies,"
"Um, how big was Gall bladdorix's massive army?" "Himself and his dragon. Why?" "I thought so," muttered Erredgon to himself. "But what does this have to do with the omelet?" "You see, Erredgon, that was a dragon egg... If that had hatched, we could've gotten a shot at beaten him, but now every thing's ruined." Then, a small voice piped up: "You've still got me..." Erredgon looked down to see a cat sized purple dragon had wandered up to the table. "Who's that?" "Oh, thats Rube Irritable, or Rube-ira. I got her at a used dragon dealership." "She looks small for a dragon." "Well, you never can trust those used dragon dealerships..." muttered Brum. "Wait! I know what to do!" Erredgon realized.
Grabbing Rube-ira and ignoring her cries of protest, he ran out back, with Brum following. Erredgon tossed Rube-ira as high as he could. Suddenly, in mid air, Rube-ira swelled to a huge size! She landed with a loud THUD. "Where'd you learn to do that?" Said Brum, flabbergasted. Erredgon shrugged. "I guess I saw it in a movie or something." "We might actually have a chance to defeat Gall-bladdorix right now!" exclaimed Brum, rushing back into the house with Erredgon to get supplies. Suddenly, they heard a sarcastic voice. "And exactly who is going to defeat king Gall-bladdorix?" it questioned. Brum gasped. "Judging by the sound of that thing's voice... It's a Haa-quack!" Erredgon gasped too. He didn't know what a Haa-quack was, but it sounded like the right time for a gasp.
To be continued in chapter 2