Marshall watched her head down the hallway and into their room. All of this thinking about Norah had him needing to check on their children. First he opened the door to two-year old Ryan Mitchell Mann, their first-born. Walking in, he tucked the blankets a little tighter around him before kissing him on the forehead and closing the door.
His next stop was their one year old daughter, Lily Cheyenne Mann. Walking over to her, he gently ran his fingers through her soft curly hair. Kissing her gently on the forehead he leaned against the door. Both of their children took after the Mann side of the family. Ryan was the miniature version of him and Lily was a combination of his Aunt Becky and his Mom.
As he passed by Ryan's room again on his way to his den, Marshall couldn't help but recall when they had found out Mary was pregnant.
Mary walked through the door of their house looking pale.
"Mare, what's wrong?" Marshall asked leading her to the sofa.
Mary tried to speak, but instead the tears began to flow down her cheeks and she clung to him before whispering. "There has to be a mistake. I can't do this again."
"Do what? Mare, you're scaring me. Please talk to me."
When he saw her pull back from him all he could think of was that she'd seen a little girl who reminded her of Norah. It would hit her so hard and suddenly sometimes. Marshall knew that feeling; he struggled himself as he'd watch mothers with their daughters through various ages and wondered what it would've been like for Mary and Norah.
She turned scared eyes up to his and it broke his heart.
"What's wrong?"
Mary pulled herself together for a conversation she knew was going to be hard and when a decision was finally reached it would end up causing pain no matter what the outcome.
"I had my doctor's appointment today."
Marshall nodded. She'd left work early to go to the appointment.
"Are you sick?"
"I'm pregnant. Marshall, I can't go through this again. There's no way that we can bring a child in this world knowing what can happen to them. I can't lose another child, Marshall. I won't survive it." Mary admitted the truth and was surprised to feel a sense of relief getting it off her chest.
Mary was watching his face waiting for his reaction. He knew the color must have drained from his face. He's always wanted to be a father, but could relate to Mary's fears after all they'd gone through with Norah's death.
"Marshall?"
"We've been careful," Marshall whispered. They had been too. It was too soon after losing Norah too even contemplate having children. The wounds were too raw.
"I thought so too, but we weren't on the anniversary."
"Mare, we need time to think this through. We're both scared. Can we think about this before making up our minds? This isn't a decision to be made out of fear."
"This isn't something that I can do. What happens if we go through with this and the same thing happens again? We can't always be there to protect our child. I never wanted another child. Not after what happened."
"There's no way to know what can or will happen if we bring this child into this world. Can you live with killing the child ourselves? Mare, you're petrified and I understand that. Every one that we know is more cautious about their children because of what happened. You were a great Mom to Norah and deep down you know that you loved being a Mom. It was hard work, but worth it. You told me that once."
"You want us to have this child."
"Yes, I think I do. I've always wanted children. We agreed that we'd wait before having them if we decided to, but we're not getting any younger. I'm not sure how or what it's going to be like. There will be things we need to figure out and I don't doubt that this will be the hardest thing we've ever done."
"Norah can't be replaced, Marshall."
"No she can't be. She'll always be loved by us. That doesn't mean that we can't love our child. If Norah were still here, how would you feel about giving her a sibling? Parents have more than one child and find a way to show them there love equally. I think you can do it, but you're scared. It's not a criticism Mary. After everything that happened it's a legitimate feeling. You've had your heart shattered once, but think about how you felt every time you held her and spent time with her. Is that something that you don't ever want to feel again or is it something you miss?"
"We'll think about it and talk more. I just don't want to do it any more today. Marshall, I love you, but I can't promise you that I can do this."
"I'm not asking for a promise, just some time to think it through. If it's something you can't do then we won't."
Marshall touched Ryan's door at the memory. Mary had reluctantly agreed to have the child. He knew part of the reason was for him. She had tried so hard not to bond and let herself get close to the child that was growing inside her. When Ryan was born she didn't want to hold him at first, but Marshall had to go tell the family it was a boy and the nurse set him in Mary's arms.
Marshall remembered the sight as he walked back into the room. Mary's eyes filled with tears as she held him. It took less than five minutes before her instincts kicked in. She reached her hand out to Marshall and he grabbed it in support.
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Mary laid in bed her hand resting on her abdomen. She hadn't told Marshall yet and Stan was going to shoot the two of them at this rate. One of them was always taking maternity leave. Mary did it first and then Marshall followed. It kept one of them with the kids and the other working. Although Stan really didn't have room to complain, they were still one of the best performing offices in the Marshal's Service.
Mary didn't honestly think she could have a child again after finding out she was pregnant the first time after Norah. Her heart couldn't take the pain of the loss, but Ryan and Marshall had changed that. Her husband's request to think about it had made her realize that having an abortion was out of the question. Norah had already taught her that she couldn't hand her own flesh and blood over to someone else. It was the reason that Ryan was kept. The only promise that she made to herself at that point was that the baby wouldn't capture her heart. She'd shelter herself from that. Famous last words, that's what that was.
The second the nurse put Ryan into her arms, her heart was gone. She couldn't resist those blue eyes any more than Marshall's. He was definitely a Mann. There was no doubt about it. She couldn't deny she loved him when he wrapped his hand around her finger. Marshall had been right. Her heart could love Norah and Ryan.
Mary remembered Marshall coming back into the room and the smirk on his face when he saw her with Ryan.
Marshall had walked over to them and gently wiped the tear that slid down her face.
"I didn't want to be able to feel this way again," Mary admitted softly.
"Thank you, for loving me enough to do this. It wasn't your first choice, I know that."
"I couldn't. It wasn't just you. That feeling I had with Norah and being confused about giving her up all came back. I couldn't give him up. Marshall, what if our fear causes us to hurt him?"
"We're going to have to work on finding a balance in protecting him and trusting him. It won't be easy, but after all we've been through together, I know we can make it work. If one of us gets too over bearing the other will need to step in to remind the other about doing the right thing and not letting fear drive us."
Marshall kissed her tenderly on the forehead while gently stroking his son's cheek.
"I love both of you. I promise you this Mare; he'll always know his big sister. Norah won't be forgotten Mare," Marshall promised her that day. They kept Norah's pictures around and talked to the kids about her. Ryan and Lily called her their angel. They were still young, but as they grew older they'd remember the sister they never met, but would love as if they had.
Mary briefly wondered if this one would resemble Marshall too or would it be a little blonde haired boy or girl who looked like her. It honestly worried her sometimes. If any of her children resembled Norah would she smother them with her fears or close herself off to them? Marshall was good at keeping her balanced, but now he was the one who would be off.
The looking for missing children took a toll on Marshall. When they found a body or nothing at all his nightmares became worse and his belief in good in others seemed to shatter for a little while. Mary had finally started making them take vacations away from everything to help. Where vacation was once considered a form of torture, it was now a welcome reprieve. They always went the weekend following May 25th and stopped by Norah's grave so Ryan and Lily could see their angel
They would rent a house on a private beach where they could enjoy spending time with Ryan and Lily. It was when they were most at peace with the world. It was probably because they were the only ones who existed in that moment in time. She loved to watch Marshall with Ryan and Lily. He was a great father. Mary never doubted that Marshall would be as he was a great uncle too.
Mary turned and looked at the clock. She'd give her husband another hour of searching information before getting him to come to bed. Mary couldn't help worry about Marshall; these next two weeks were going to be rough on him. He was a different man then normal, still loving, gentle and caring with their children and her, but there was a part of him that had become obsessed for lack of better word about trying to make things right for the missing children and their families. In some ways they were both different this week and pretending for their children that they were okay was sometimes very difficult, but they not only wanted to protect them from the outside world; they needed to protect them from their own personal demons that followed them since Norah died. It wouldn't be fair to Ryan or Lily otherwise. In seven more months they'd have another to protect.
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Marshall had narrowed his choices to two cases to look into over the next two weeks and hopefully be able to find the missing girls or help the police in their search. Often times he'd do his own investigating and when he found the child or if time ran out for him to be able to he, turned the information over to the police. They were grateful for anything they could use.
The first little girl that was missing was a four-year old with brown hair and blue eyes. It was a family abduction with the aunt and uncle being the people who took little Cara from her parents.
The second little girl was a five-year old with blonde hair and blue eyes. Rose was a stranger abduction. Marshall knew his choice was made the second he saw her picture. Rose reminded him so much of Norah that he couldn't let it go.
Marshall had scribbled notes when his eyes felt heavy. He meant to close them for only a few minutes as he knew after seeing Rose's picture his mind would take him back to that dreaded day, but sleep claimed him anyways along with the memory.
Marshall had shown up as Abigail was talking to the forest rangers. Norah's case had caused the end of the tension between them and her. For a long time she'd blamed Mary for their breakup when Marshall hadn't even told Mary that he realized he had to call it off. It was probably the only good thing to happen. He looked as his ex-fiancée and knew it had been the right choice, but couldn't help admire her dedication to finding Norah. She'd put all their differences aside and searched endlessly for clues or leads to her whereabouts.
Marshall got out of the car and walked over to her.
"What's the plan?"
"The first team is already looking with the dogs and the next two teams are ready to go. Stan is with the first team. I figured each of us could go with the other two teams."
"I called Stan last night that's why he's here. Stan felt he needed to come here just in case. Which team do you want me to go with?"
"I'll let you choose."
Marshall remembered seeing the area that the second team was taking and decided to go with them. A part of his gut was telling him that Norah would be found there. He would always wish his gut had been wrong.
They had almost finished their section when the dogs picked up something. Marshall radioed it in and heard Stan telling him he was on his way to their location. It was one of two reasons Stan had come. If they found Norah, Stan wanted someone there with Marshall and the other was so Marshall didn't have to tell Mary alone.
Stan rushed up to Marshall as he continued to watch them dig in the ground. Stan had kept a close eye on him the entire time. The concern was written all over his face, but Marshall continued to stare and pray that it wasn't Norah. As much as he wanted her found, this wasn't what he wanted.
"Got something," one of the people digging called out.
Stan grabbed his arm trying to stop him from looking.
"Let me do this, Marshall," Stan said
"I promised to bring her home. It's my responsibility."
Marshall moved forward and as he came to the shallow grave, he saw the teddy bear that he'd given Norah. He had to turn and walk away to keep from throwing up. No matter how hard he tried to prepare himself for this outcome, nothing prepared him enough. Marshall jumped when he felt the arm on his back.
"Breathe Marshall," Stan said trying to offer support while preventing him from breaking down. Mary and Marshall were going to need him to be strong for them.
"That's Sleepy bear. I gave her it for a gift. Norah took it everywhere she went." Marshall said, as the tears began to fall.
"I remember seeing the picture of Norah with that bear. Every one had it," Stan said fondly.
"Mary's never going to forgive me. I promised to bring Norah home."
"You're fulfilling that promise, Marshall. Just not the way all of us hoped for. Mary won't hate you, but she's going to need you to get through this. You're going to have to keep her from doing something stupid. I'd understand it, but it can't happen. I'm going to need you to promise me the same thing."
"I can't, don't make me lie to you Stan."
"Marshall, I'll pull you from the case. Technically there's no excuse for you being on it. I need to know that you can do your job."
Marshall pulled himself together before looking at Stan.
"I promise you that the law will be followed. If the person responsible for this gives me a reason to kill them, I won't hesitate to pull that trigger."
"Understood. They're going to take her. Let's get going."
Marshall moved to the body bag and refused to let anyone else handle it. If this was Norah, then she needed to be taken home by someone who loved her.
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Mary noticed an hour had passed and Marshall still wasn't in their room. Getting up she headed to the den. He was sleeping in the chair, but his head was thrashing back and forth. Mary hurried over to him and began to shake his shoulder.
"Marshall, wake up," she said more urgently as he didn't wake up and there were tears sliding down his face. "Marshall, come on. Wake up."
His eyes flew open and they searched her out.
"I'm so sorry, Mare."
"Don't apologize for something that wasn't your fault. You brought her home and killed the bastard that took Norah away. I never blamed you."
"I didn't bring her home alive. Norah should be here with us. If I'd searched harder or went over the information better than she'd be here."
"Marshall Mann, you stop that now. If you'd done any more, I'd probably have had to bury both of you. All of us went over the information and none of us even considered him a suspect. Nothing pointed to him at all. He didn't even have a record or any complaints filed against him. The one thing I know is that you did everything in your power to find her. You worked beyond the point of exhaustion. I blame him for this, not you."
"You still blame Mark," Marshall said softly. He made sure not to make it sound harsh or judgmental.
"I can't forgive him for that. A part of me knows that he wouldn't have let Norah go on her own if he'd thought there was any chance of her getting hurt, but the other part of me knows that it only takes a second to lose a child. He was her father. It was his responsibility to keep an eye on her, to protect her and keep her safe. Somewhere down the line, I might be able to forgive him, but I'm not sure I can. You promised me that you'd bring her home and that is exactly what you did."
"Sorry, Mare. I wasn't trying to upset you."
"Marshall, I know that. It's not like Mark hasn't done a lot to help missing children since then. It doesn't change what happened. There's a reason that were better off being on opposite ends of the country. The anger comes back every time I see him. That's not really fair to either of us."
"Mark moved because he couldn't bear to see the look on your face that he blames for putting there. He made a mistake and knows it. The two of you have paid the most for that. A part of me doubts any of us will ever be free of the guilt. I just wish I could make what happened go away, to see Norah grow up, her be a big sister and hold her again. I miss her so much and know that it's only a fraction of what you feel."
Mary caressed his cheek before leaning in and kissing her husband.
"Sometimes I think you hurt more."
"Mare…"
Mary covered his mouth to stop him from talking.
"There is something that haunts you about Norah's case that you won't tell me about. I learned not to push you because it makes your nightmares worse. Over the years, it became clear to me that it's probably something that you feel I shouldn't know. You would've told me if you thought it would help me, but won't to protect me from whatever. I resented you because of it for a while, but I know, love and trust you more than anyone. If you can't tell me then I'll wait until you can or whatever happens. I'll even admit that I continually try to figure it out because that's who I am and knowing what it does to you. A part of me will always wonder what it is, but we have two children that need us and the one thing I've learned is that to hang onto the anger would do nothing more than destroy us. I don't want that for our family.
We're not perfect, Marshall. Hell you knew I was flawed before getting into this relationship. Things can't be changed or we both would've moved heaven and earth to do so. It's always going to hurt. No matter how much I hate it, it just is. It's never going to be fair or right and that is another thing that is. Hell, I never thought I'd have another child. Granted neither were planned, but I don't regret us having them. We're learning to not smother them, while still finding a way to protect them."
Marshall's hand reached out and caressed Mary's stomach at the mention of their children. They had been careful most of the time to use protection; both afraid of bringing a child into a world that could steal Norah from their lives. He had to admit that another reason was they'd feared that another child would feel like they were trying to replace her even though they knew they couldn't. It wasn't rational, but neither was someone purposefully hurting a child.
Ryan was conceived close to the second anniversary of Norah's disappearance and Lily around the second anniversary of Norah's funeral. He and Mary had a tendency to seek each other out more as those anniversaries neared. It was also the times they were less cautious about using protection as something reminded them about Norah and the need to find solace in each others arms outweighed their thoughts on protection. He briefly wondered if they had conceived again this year.
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Mary watched Marshall's eyes as his hand traced over her. She knew full well where his mind was at now. The wonder that briefly lit up in them and the lost look told her he was thinking about Ryan and Lily. She reached down and covered his hand with hers.
"Yes, Doofus our annual tradition apparently holds true," she whispered.
The smile that lit his face warmed her heart.
"Three for three and Stan's going to shoot us at this rate," Mary added when Marshall didn't say anything.
"Are you okay with this?"
Mary couldn't help but smile at Marshall's question. He always asked before voicing his pleasure at the thought of another child.
"You were right when we found out about Ryan. Marshall, I love our children and while it still scares me to bring more into this world, I can't imagine not doing it. Sometimes I feel guilty and wonder how Norah would react. Then I see Ryan and Lily together and know that it's not wrong. Norah would have wanted us to be happy. She adored you and I know she loved me. We're going to have another child, but Marshall after this I don't want any more. We're not getting any younger. I want to have my tubes tied after this child is born."
"Mare, I never expected us to have another child after Ryan. I'm grateful every day for Ryan and Lily. I'll feel the same about this one and am fine with this being our last child. You've given me more than I ever hoped for."
Mary knew that he'd support her decision. Marshall still always wanted what was best for her. She was grateful that he made her stop and think about what to do when she was pregnant with Ryan. The second she held him, it felt right. Mary almost laughed at herself for thinking that she would be able to not love her son and would be able to step out of the way to let Marshall raise him.
"Time for bed, Marshall. You can go over those missing children's reports tomorrow.
You need your rest."
Marshall reluctantly agreed and started to shut down his computer. Mary watched him and knew that she'd be forcing him to bed every night for the next couple of weeks. He was relentless when it came to working these cases. It's why a part of her wanted him to stop. How much heartache could a man suffer through and still come out okay? The ones that ended with another child dead took a significant toll on her husband. Yet when he worked a case that had a happy ending he became the Marshall she'd known before Norah's death. His eyes lit up like they used to. She missed that look on his face. It would come out for her and his children, but unlike before it didn't last an entire day. It was beginning to happen more often and for that she was grateful, but she continued to worry about how this would affect him.
/\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
Marshall spooned himself around Mary with one arm resting protectively over their unborn child. He listened to Mary's breathing as it slowed down as she slept. His mind going back to the Rose's photo and knew that it was going to be a rough night. It took a while but he finally settled enough to fall asleep with his dreams taking him back to the past.
Stan drove them to Mary's house while Abigail went to talk to Mark. The drive was made in absolute silence with Stan casting concerned glances in his direction. He didn't see anything that they passed by. His heart was racing at the thought of having to shatter Mary's world. Stan had offered to tell Mary, but Marshall knew better. The words had to come from him or it wouldn't be real.
They wouldn't have confirmation for sure until test were done, but with Sleepy bear being found Marshall was pretty sure it was her. Norah wouldn't let that teddy bear out of her sight.
"Marshall, we're here," Stan said softly, knowing that Marshall was lost in thought.
"I should've found her sooner. It's going to break her, Stan. I'm about to destroy her life."
"Marshall, look at me," Stan ordered.
"You are not the one who did this to Norah. No one has put as much time and effort into finding her than you. Mary knows this. Yes, her world is about to be shattered and you and I are going to be the ones to pull her through this. Mary will need you more than she's ever needed anyone. That doesn't mean that you have to suffer in silence. Norah may not have been your daughter, but you loved her just as much as you've love Mary. I'm here for you, too. Don't bury your grief inside while trying to help Mary with hers. I don't want you letting this destroy you either."
Marshall nodded as he saw Mary open the door. The second she saw his face he knew that she figured out something had happened.
"Tell me," Mary demanded, while backing up into the living room.
He told her what they had found and that they were waiting for the results to come back. Mary knew that it would be a week or two before they had anything. He caught her as her legs gave out and held her as she clung to his shirt while sobbing uncontrollably.
When Mary had cried herself to sleep, Marshall picked her up and carried her into her room. Laying her gently on the bed, he then wiped the tears he finally felt streaming down his face before turning to Stan.
"Marshall, you stay with her. I'll go back to the office and have Delia follow me over with your SUV. Don't leave her alone."
"Stan, her gun is in the safe along with her badge. Get them out of this house and make sure all information goes through me. I don't want Mary going after the person who did this," Marshall said, giving Stan the code to Mary's gun safe.
Marshall watched Stan walk out of the room to retrieve Mary's gun and he slid into the bed and lay down next to Mary. She shifted and curled up into him. Stan returned and covered the two of them up with a blanket, showing Marshall he had the items and then left the two alone.