*~*

CHAPTER 2

Dedecus

'Shame'

I walked back to the castle a couple of hours later; feeling full and slightly uncomfortable from all the tea Hagrid had given me. But at least I was feeling better over the whole Remus thing now I'd had time to think about it. I met Luna in the Entrance Hall; she was on her way to the Great Hall for dinner. As ever she looked as though she didn't have a care in the World and I wished I could spend an hour or two in Luna's mind; it would be liberating.

'Hi Luna; how's your first week been?'

'Hey Harry; it's been ok;' Luna replied cheerfully; coming to a stop beside me. 'Lots of homework you know?'

'Tell me about it;' I replied with a roll of my eyes. 'How's the Quibbler going?'

'Great. Dad says the sales figures keep rising with every issue.'

'Brilliant; I'm glad;' I smiled; grateful to Luna and her father for everything; and knowing I'd never be able to convey just how much I appreciated it.

'Why were you outside?' Luna asked.

'I was just visiting Hagrid.'

'Oh; right well we can't stand here chatting all night; I'm meeting Neville for dinner.'

I smiled as Luna skipped off ahead of me into the Great Hall. Having known Luna for two years now; I really liked her and so wished she was in Gryffindor. She was a rarity; an honest and loyal friend. I had an inkling Neville and Luna were heading for romance and couldn't think of two more deserving people for happiness. As I approached the Great Hall; Snape emerged from the Dungeon entrance. We briefly held each other's eye and a swear word was on the tip of my tongue; but I bit my lip instead and hurried to sit down by Ron and Hermione at the Gryffindor table.

'How's Hagrid?' Hermione asked.

'Yeah good; he's invited us all for afternoon tea tomorrow.'

'Wicked;' Ron approved. 'We can also visit Buck- I mean Witherwings.'

'How about visiting Grawp?' I suggested and the three of us laughed.

'Not a chance;' Ron replied.

I got started on my dinner; sausages; mash potato and baked beans; even though I wasn't that hungry. I just picked at it a little. I purposely kept my gaze away from the staff table; even looking at Snape was going to make me feel angry again. As soon as we returned to Gryffindor Tower; I sat at a table and pulled some parchment and a quill from my school bag. But instead of getting started on the pile of homework that was building up; I wrote a letter to Remus.

Remus;

I hear that you and Tonks are expecting a baby. I'm so pleased for you and you'll both make fantastic parents. Can you believe I heard the news from Snape of all people?

Anyway; I hope I get to see you over the Christmas holidays?

Harry

I re-read the letter; checking that it didn't come over too harsh or bitter and decided it sounded fine and light hearted. But before going to the Owlery to send it I headed up to my bedroom to send Renas an e-mail.

Renas;

Sorry it's been a few days; I've had a bit of a hectic week. To be honest I've got things I should be doing now instead but I'd much rather write to you.

How are you? Thank you so much for the advice last month about coming out to my friends. I told them this week and they were brilliant about it; they even had an inkling so I was worrying myself over nothing as usual!

I'm not sure whether I'd want to be openly gay though; I don't relish the thought of people discussing me in private; I guess I'm similar to you. There is one other person I feel should know; a family friend; but I think I've wrecked our friendship.

Talk to you soon and looking forward to hearing from you as always.

G.T

*~*

'Seamus?' Ron asked me.

'No.'

'What about the Ravenclaw seeker?'

'Gavin Booth?' I said with a grimace; feeling my cheeks becoming hot with the embarrassment of this conversation. 'He's so not my type.'

'There must be someone at Hogwarts you fancy.'

'Not really;' I shrugged and pointed my wand at the ketchup bottle further along the Gryffindor table and quietly muttered 'Accio.'

'Ron; why don't you stop interrogating Harry?' Hermione suggested from behind her Ancient Runes textbook. 'You've been doing it for the past week.'

Ron sighed and went back to eating his lunch in silence thank God. I casually glanced towards the staff table and caught Snape's eye and then quickly looked away and down at the plate of chips I'd been eating. Two things occurred to me; Snape must have already been looking in my direction and just the mere sight of him was stirring an unexplainable emotion deep within. Was it anger about Remus? It must be; what else could explain it?

I was so grateful to Hermione for shutting Ron up about my love life; or rather lack of I should say; but I honestly wasn't that attracted to anyone at Hogwarts. Of course there were guys I thought were good looking and attractive; I'm only human after all. But no deeper feelings than that and to be honest there was only one guy I had time for and that was Renas. Even thinking about him put me in a good mood and I was eagerly awaiting his next e-mail. I pushed my finished plate of chips away and just as I was about to tuck into a bowl of strawberry mousse for dessert; an owl landed on the table beside me; a letter attached. I took it and unfolded the parchment.

Harry;

Thank you so much for your kind words; Tonks and I are truly grateful and very much looking forward to the birth of our child. It was a lovely surprise.

I'm so sorry I didn't get to tell you myself; we weren't planning on making it public just yet; but we had a visit from Albus and he couldn't fail to notice the happy news in our eyes and our smiles. I presume Severus was either told or overhead a conversation.

We would very much like to see you over the Christmas holidays; you're as much our family as the son or daughter currently growing in Tonks' belly. I daresay we'll all be enjoying a Christmas Day courtesy of the Weasley's.

Take care;

Remus

Emotion suddenly welled up inside of me. Jesus; I'd been so daft to try and cut Remus out of my life; what had I been thinking? Remus was going to be a father and was unselfishly putting me the same league as his unborn child. I didn't deserve it one bit and felt a wave of shame overpower me. There was a stinging sensation behind my eyes and I swallowed a lump. Folded the parchment back up; I stood up from the table and walked out of the Great Hall without saying a word to Ron or Hermione. A swarm of students were descending the stairs; so I quickly fled down into the dungeons where I leaned back against the wall and tried to compose himself; but I couldn't stop it and felt a tear leak from my right eye and down my cheek. I'd done what he thought was right; but was a mistake. I thought it was for the best; but it wasn't. What would Sirius or James say if they were here now? They'd berate me for being more preoccupied with talking to a complete stranger than my father and Sirius' best friend. I sighed heavily and looked down to the floor; trying to shake the emotion out of me.

'Mr Potter what are yo-'

Shit.

Snape stopped mid sentence when I looked up at the sound of his arrival and from the look on his face he could clearly see the signs of crying. I felt totally and utterly mortified; but it was nothing compared to the shock on Snape's face; which had rendered me speechless. I couldn't stop looking at him; I'd never seen Snape look so… so out of his comfort zone.

'Go on; mock me;' I whispered; beyond humiliation now and daring him to do what he should be doing. I looked down at my feet and wished with all his might that the floor would give way beneath me. I was imagining a smirk on Snape's face at this very moment; and didn't relish looking up to have my suspicions confirmed. But the taunting never materialised.

'You better hurry to your class Potter; unless you wish to attend another detention;' Snape said deadpan.

'Yes Sir;' I tried to say but no sound came out of my barely moving lips.

'Drierux;' I heard Snape say quietly before he carried on down the corridor towards; probably towards his office. I didn't have to touch his face to know the tears were gone and that my face was dry of the tears.

I didn't move for a few seconds. What had just happened was very weird. My pulse was racing and I swallowed hard before pushing myself away from the wall and making hmy way back out of the dungeon corridor.

*~*

'And he didn't say anything even remotely sarcastic?' Ron asked.

'No;' I replied.

'Are you sure?'

'Yep.'

'Weird;' Ron whispered; shaking his head slowly.

'Maybe he just felt… uncomfortable;' Hermione suggested. 'Snape's probably not used to people being upset unless he's the one that's caused it.'

'Yeah; perhaps;' I replied. That could be a possible explanation; but it wasn't as though this was the first time Snape had seen me in a state. What about after the Triwizard Tournament; when I was all bloody… he barely even looked interested in what was going on. But Dumbledore was there then.

'Maybe Snape has decided to turn a new leaf;' Ron said and then he smiled. 'Or maybe he bumped his head or something.' Hermione and I couldn't help chuckling quietly.

'Mr Potter; Mr Weasley and Miss Granger; perhaps you would like to share what is so interesting with the rest of the class?'

'Sorry Professor;' Hermione replied weakly and we all looked from Professor McGonagall's disapproving glare back down to our text books.

But I was lost in thought and couldn't take in a word Professor McGonagall was saying. Snape should have jumped at the chance to use what had happened to his advantage. Why had he said nothing? Why had he seemed almost considerate by clearing my tears away? Maybe it was just a fluke and he'd been caught off guard like Hermione had suggested. I felt a nudge in my side and was bought back to reality; as I took around at Ron and then followed his eye line. Professor McGonagall was staring at me.

'Well Mr Potter; what's the answer?'

'Er; could you repeat the question please;' I replied meekly. Oops.

*~*

It was the weekend. The encounter with Snape was still weighing on my mind; I watched absently from my armchair beside the fire in the Gryffindor common room; Ron and Ginny playing chess; and kept smiling at the intense concentration written on Ron's face. Hermione; of course; was sat at the table; texts books sprawled everywhere and she was chewing the end of a quill; deep in thought.

I could feel my eyes drooping from the warmth of the fire and I was in danger of falling asleep; yet it was barely even six in the evening. I drummed my fingers against the arm rest and wondered if I should go upstairs and check my laptop again. I'd already looked at my e-mails three times today; hoping to hear from Renas. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to look one more time and the moving around would probably help wake me up a bit more.

It was a pleasant surprise when I was sitting on my bed and my e-mails popped up to reveal a new message from Renas; sent to me only twenty minutes ago. I smiled and clicked onto the e-mail to read it.

G.T;

I'm glad to hear of your success with your friends. I knew you'd have no logical reason to be concerned; but I felt the same anxieties and worries when I was in that situation. I recall afterwards; I was endlessly questioned about any men I'd taken a liking to and begged to be set up on blind dates with the 'perfect' guys. But as you are probably fully aware yourself; just because our preferences are men doesn't automatically assume we're desperate to be playing the field.

Do you feel relief now? Are you planning on confiding in any other friends; or your family? Why do you feel as though you've ruined the friendship with another friend? Have you had a disagreement?

I'm sorry I have to cut this e-mail short; I'm running late for a meeting.

Take care;

Renas

It felt so good to hear from him. I stared at the word family and sighed. He could quite easily have put parents instead; but I was glad he hadn't. What would my mum and dad have though if they were still alive? What would Sirius have thought? It comforted me to assume they would have loved me no matter what; that it wouldn't have mattered to them; and that I would have had other siblings to give them grandchildren.

I snapped myself out of that train of thought as a lump formed in my throat. I thought about Renas and I; we'd been e-mailing each other for a few weeks now. Neither of us had ventured much onto the personal track yet. Real name; age; exact location; etc. I knew he was older than me but I couldn't work out by how much. One thing was for definite though; he was extremely intelligent. The way he worded things; his knowledge and advice were so clever; but not in a patronising and know-it-all way. I really liked him and this both scared and excited me.

Without stopping to think about it I clicked on reply and started typing; hoping that Renas would be as keen as I was to start opening up.

Renas;

It feels as though I've known you a lot longer than a few weeks; but I still don't know you. Does that make sense? How old are you? Where do you live? Are you in a relationship? Do you like Quidditch?

I'm sorry to bombard you with these questions; but I really want to know more about you. You've been so brilliant with helping me to accept myself and come to terms with things; I've selfishly been taking up your leisure time. Feel free to mind my own business; I would completely understand.

It does feel great having told my friends; they've been brilliant. I told them about speaking to you as well. I don't think I'll be telling anyone else just yet though; the family friend I mentioned; well I think I've been neglecting him too much; making it seem as though I don't care. I've got some making up to do I guess.

Anyway; I hope to hear from you soon.

G.T

*~*

G.T;

Thank you for your e-mail; I feel very similar to yourself; as though we've been acquaintances for far longer than a mere few weeks. I am more than happy to try and answer any questions you may have; but please forgive me if I choose to either be ambiguous or ignore the question entirely. It's nothing personal against you; it's just I'm naturally rather private.

Here goes:

How old am I? How old do you think I am? I think it's safe to say I am older than you.

Where do I live? I have two bases; one in London and one up North. I don't get back to London that often.

Am I in a relationship? Not at the moment; to be honest I have very little time to hold down a relationship. I was seeing someone for a few months last year but it naturally fizzled out.

Do I like Quidditch? As a sport to watch; yes I do. But to take part in it? Sport has never been my strong point; I have more of an academic mind.

I extend the same questions back to you; this could be fun. I don't want you to feel as though you're taking up my time; I thoroughly enjoy your e-mails. I hope you can amend the problems with your friend; just remember that an apology can go a long way.

Take care;

Renas

*~*

Renas;

You didn't tell me to mind my own business; I wouldn't have blamed you if you did; but thanks anyway! Well I guess I'll get on with it, seeing as I started it…

I'd guess that you're probably in your early to mid thirties? Am I right/close? How old do you think I am? I'll give you a clue; it's younger than 30. This is turning into cryptic clues isn't it?

I grew up in Surrey but I don't feel any pull to the place to be honest. I'd like to live in London or in the countryside (or both if I can afford it).

I love Quidditch; both watching and playing it. I went to the Quidditch World Cup three years ago; was an experience! Did you go?

Relationships? Hmm; well I dated a muggle very briefly a few months ago; but nothing since him. I guess I would like to be dating someone but there's just no guys I come across at the moment that I'm attracted to.

I guess you went to Hogwarts right? We've probably been taught by the same Professors in some subjects.

Looking forward to hearing from you as always.

G.T

*~*

G.T;

I hope my e-mail finds you well; I must confess the light hearted nature of our conversation is putting a smile on my face. Learning more about you is fascinating. I can see neither of us is very forward in divulging our exact ages. But I will say that I am in my thirties. My guess would be that you're about twenty?

I also grew up in Surrey; I waited for many years for my parents to give me a younger brother; I eventually told them a sister would do; but I ended up an only child. I did attend Hogwarts and we could no doubt swap several stories on the same Professors. Without a doubt the best Professor the School has ever seen is Albus Dumbledore. He was Headmaster during my time at the School but I always highly admired him.

I wasn't able to travel and watch the Quidditch World Cup; although would have loved too. Unfortunately; I was preoccupied with work matters. There's always the next time of course.

Take care;

Renas

*~*

It was Halloween. The Great Hall had been decorated for the occasion. Huge pumpkins; ghosts; candles and cauldrons were floating in the air.

Ron; Hermione and I were sat down at the Gryffindor table for lunch after a morning of Potions with Slughorn and Transfiguration with McGonagall. It was a few weeks since Snape had found me crying. I shuddered at the embarrassing memory. I didn't know why; but my anger towards the Potions Professor had diminished somewhat. Not completely of course; I'd never in a million years go anywhere close to liking Snape; but the hatred no longer boiled up inside of me at the sight of him.

Maybe I was growing up.

Anyway; my stomach ached nervously and I felt nauseous looking at all the food. Last night I'd sent Renas an e-mail; asking whether he would like to meet up some time. I hoped his reply wouldn't take too long; I just knew I wad going to be completely on edge until I saw it; whether or not it was a yes or no.

I groaned when Hermione said we should be getting to Snape's class. Great. Was this day ever going to end?

*~*

A/N:

I hope you enjoyed the second chapter. Any reviews/feedback/questions/PM's/e-mails/etc are welcomed/appreciated :)

Thank you to Morgana-White and Spirella for the kind reviews after chapter 1. I guess few think my story is any good and I was thinking about stopping, but thought I'd try another chapter :)

*~*