Session 2: In Which Ships Are Bashed

The silence of the jungle is interrupted by the sound of wild howls, loud insults and fist fights. This is what Carletta returns to as she strives to achieve harmony amongst the castaways. I could've told her it was an impossible task...but where's the fun in that?

Carletta: *Sighs* They do not pay me enough to do this job. *walks into room* Hi everyone.

Charlie: I have to say this now, otherwise it will kill me. Are those fake?

Carletta: EXCUSE ME?

Charlie: I was referring to your earrings. They look all...plasticky. Is that even a word?

Carletta: *Calms down* Ok, today's session is all about the relationships on this show. I think the one we should tackle first is the Jacket/Jate/Suliet/Skate...rectangle?

Kate: I'd like to know who the hell I'm dating in season 5? I thought it was Jack but now I love Sawyer and it's SO CONFUSING!! *pulls hair out*

Jack: It's obvious Kate. You're dating me because Juliet is dating Sawyer. The slimy git. *laughs ironically*

Sawyer: Hey, hey, hey. I thought I got to make the jokes around here?

Carletta: Ok, let's address Sawyer first. How did you and Juliet get together?

*Entire room shuts up to hear the answer as LOST has failed to give us that answer yet*

Sawyer: Good question. I'm not exactly sure. We were playing house one minute, the next we're kissing and making babies.

Kate: WHAT?!? *screams with rage and hits Jack in the face accidentally*

Juliet: Oh relax, Kate! He means sex. We aren't literally having babies, thank God. He was everything I was looking for, everything I ever wanted.

Charlie: *under his breath* Sure, ignore the cuter ships.

Sawyer: *serenely smiles* Me and Juliet were talking one evening, then BAM! We suddenly found ourselves falling in love.

Carletta: It's not like you to be so poetic. When I last checked, you were still pining over Kate. What changed?

Kate: A-HA! I knew it! *points at Sawyer triumphantly* You love me!

Sawyer: I did. At least, I think I did. I'm not sure...is it hot in here or is it just me? *panics*

Jack: You're twitchier than a rabbit Sawyer, what gives?

Ben: I'd just like to point out I like to kill rabbits *smiles menacingly*

Carletta: *Stares at Ben in a WTF? expression* O...kay. I think the question that everybody wants answering is, who are you going to end up with Kate? Jack or Sawyer?

Kate: Oh that's easy. Sawyer. No...Jack. Sawyer. Jack. Charlie. Argh, it's too damn difficult!!

Ben: Now why Sawyer?

Kate: What?

Ben: He's the first one you mentioned. I'm just regurgitating lines from the show, I don't really know why.

Charlie: How the hell did I wind up in your list? I'm dating Claire not Kate.

Claire: You tell the whole sodding group and not me? I wasn't even aware you liked me like that. WHEN were you going to tell me? *glares*

Sawyer: I'm going to speak up on Charlie's behalf here and ask: didn't you kinda see it coming? I mean you kissed twice, you shacked up with each other and the guy hung around ya like a lost puppy. God, talk about a blonde moment.

Shannon, Nikki, Claire, Juliet: Oi! What you got against blondes?

Charlie: Much as I appreciate the help, you might wanna keep your mouth shut lest you be beaten to death by girls. *Snickers*

Carletta: Riiiight. Back to business. How do you guys feel about the fact that so many people make random couples out of you guys? Sawyer and Claire, for instance, is a very popular ship.

Sawyer: What?!

Claire: What?!

Charlie: WHAT?!!!

*Charlie immediately goes to hit Sawyer but miscalculates and accidentally knocks out Michael*

Charlie: Oops. Oh well, guess it saves on another session of hearing nothing but WAAAAALLLLLT over and over.

Carletta: So, Claire. How do you feel with the fact that people make videos about you and Sawyer, write fanfictions of you two in a relationship and make sites dedicated to Conmama?

Claire: I'm not going to lie to you, Carletta, it pisses me off. I thought I was meant to be Charlie's girl, forever and ever and ever?

Sawyer: The guy is technically dead and you've got needs. Just like the rest of us. *leers at Claire until Charlie harpoons him in the arm*

Claire: True, but I always thought I'd be shipped with Desmond.

Penny: Excuse me? I might be quiet but I ain't deaf sister! I spent all of my time AND money on finding the man I love. You aren't taking him without a fight. *glares*

Carletta: *blushes as she realises something* Oh this is great. Just great. If Penny's here, that means...

Charles: Hello Carletta. Long time, no see. *grins evilly*

Ben: Oh for Jacob's sake! I HATE the Widmores! Can I leave the room before I end up killing something? *growls at Charles*

Carletta: Be my guest.

*Ben stalks out of the room, muttering under his breath about Charles*

Juliet: What other weird shippings are there? I remember there was this one about Kate and Charlie...

Kate: Really? Huh. That's a coincidence. I was just thinking about how cool it would be to make out with someone other than Jack and Sawyer.

Eko: Do not mistake coincidence for fate.

Carletta: *sighs impatiently* Yes, yes. Nobody's giving me any answers here!

Locke: Welcome to my world! *glares at everyone*

Carletta: We'll talk about your vent up bitterness some other time, for now I just want to get this whole 'relationship' business sorted out. Ok, let's move on to Shannon and Sayid.

Boone: I don't think that counts as a relationship. Technically... technically I didn't give my consent.

Shannon: Oh grow up, Boone! I'm a big girl, I can do whatever I like.

Boone: You selfish little bitch! After all I've done for you, you still treat me like utter sh-

Carletta: *hastily interrupts* Ok, again another issue for us to iron out later. Shannon, did you honestly love Sayid or was it just a game, like Boone said?

Shannon: Of course I loved him! What kind of idiotic question is that? *growls* Boone, you are dead meat!

Carletta: Does it bother you at all that Sayid shacked up with another woman as soon as he got off the island?

Shannon: *thinks for a really long time* Yes...and no. I wanted him to be happy and to be fair he did love this Nadia first. But being dead sucks. I'm stuck with Metro, the munchkin, Rambina, Moonbeam and Mr Ed. There's no hot guys to mingle with!

Sawyer: *stunned* I think I'm just gonna not call people anymore nicknames. It physically hurts to have them stolen away from me.

Hurley: Dude, I never thought I'd see the day.

Sawyer: *jumps in mid-air* Jesus! Where did you come from, Mohammed?

Hurley: 5 seconds is better than nothing.

Carletta: Very thought provoking words from Shannon. Ok, Sayid. How did you feel when Shannon died?

Sayid: I was devastated, naturally. Even after I was rescued, I couldn't stop thinking about her.

Nadia: *frowns* That's right. He would have dreams about her death. When he woke up crying, I comforted him.

Sawyer: Whoa, whoa, whoa sunshine. Sayid cried? *snickers gleefully* Right that's Jack, Lockey boy and now Sayid who have cried. Oh and Chuckles over here too.

Hurley: Dude, this is starting to get really annoying...

Sawyer: Deal with it. *starts high fiving random extras who ended up in the session*

Vincent: Woof. Woof, woof, woof.

Sawyer: Ok, can someone explain what Lassie is on about?

Walt: First of all, it's Vincent NOT Lassie. Secondly, he's saying you all stink and should give him a biscuit.

Sawyer: Figures. *throws Vincent a biscuit anyway*

Jack: I don't think we actually got a result from the Jack/Kate/Sawyer/Juliet thing. I'm still WOMANLESS!!! *starts crying*

Carletta: To be honest, I don't actually think there's ever going to be a result. Sawyer loves Juliet but loves Kate as well, Kate loves Sawyer and yet was engaged to Jack and Jack loves Kate and...that's about it.

Hurley: Yep, that's it in a nutshell.

Carletta: I personally think Kate's gonna end up with the smoke monster at this point. *gives Jack and Sawyer a stern look* Neither of you guys have treated her right to be honest.

Kate: YEAH! I was dumped for a blonde bimbo, yelled at by a pyscho doctor hyped up on pills AND suffered heartbreak. *cries on Charlie's shoulder*

Juliet: Oh for *beeps* sake! *walks out the room*

*Ben walks back in just to see Juliet walk out of the room. He frowns, stares at everyone and then walks back out again*

Charlie: That may just have been the most pointless entrance to a room ever.

Carletta: Agreed. Now, Charlie, you were with Claire...

Charlie: *Interrupts* Yeah. Not that she ever said I love you or anything. Whatever.

Claire: Don't blame me for your shyness! I was crazy about you. Well, I still am. I wanted you to say that you loved me. Aren't guys supposed to initiate that?

Jack, Sawyer, Charlie: NU-UH!

Kate, Claire, Shannon: YA-HA!

Carletta: You two had a rough patch in season 2, didn't ya? Want to explain to the group why?

Charlie: *glares* I thought that issue wasn't going to come up, but if you really wanna talk about it then so be it. Claire was under the impression I had taken drugs...

Locke: Which you were. I sensed it.

Charlie: You utter, utter creep. I so was NOT. Just because you get your orders from a collection of leaves, bushes and questionably tall trees doesn't mean we all sniff the ground in order to get some kind of sick sense of thrill.

*Everyone is stunned by the fact that Charlie manages to insult Locke's beliefs. Sawyer looks impressed*

Locke: *is shocked* Sure, blame the bald guy. It's not like he has feelings or anything.

Desmond: Charlie, brotha, you're gonna die.

Charlie: Gee, Des. I'm already kinda dead at the moment. *sticks a middle finger up at him* Thanks to you, I lost the woman I love and am SLEEPING WITH THE BLOODY FISHES!

*Sawyer sniggers at the death euphemism*

Carletta: *Bangs head against desk* Ok, I'm fed up of this. I'm going to get a drink. *walks out of room*

Sawyer: Oh that's very professional, ain't it Doctor Do Right?! This sucks.

Claire: (To Charlie) You love me? For real?

Aaron: *gurgles*

Sawyer: And that means....?

Aaron: Ok, I'm going to magically develop early and say that that meant 'isn't it obvious?'

Sawyer: Ok, I'm going to be Carletta for a second. Hold on, I want to get this just right. *puts on high pitched voice* And to conclude this meeting, Aaron magically talks, Kate loves Sawyer and is put off by Juliet and Charlie and Locke need to fight because they obviously have issues.

Jack: Sweet summary. Wait a minute...KATE LOVES YOU? *chases after Sawyer in a rage*

Claire, Kate, Nikki, Shannon: MEN! *all sigh as one*

-------------------------

Thanks for reading and reviewing peeps!! Next session: In Which Jack Fixes Everything But Himself

Any issues on Lost that bug you, please say in a review!! :DD