"Too green."

She lifted the entire tree, and tossed it into the pile.

"Too many needles."

Another tossed into the pile.

"Too few needles."

Another.

"Hey, this one has a birdhouse in it! Where'd you steal these, you con artist?!"

Patty Thompson aimed that tree at the lot's proprietor, throwing it like a javelin at the obvious derelict—I mean, look at his mullet, she thought: obviously a thief, or a hustler, or one of those guys who tears the tags off of mattresses.

"Ma'am," the thin and nervous salesman said, the tree barely missing him, "it is Christmas Eve—the likelihood of finding an ideal tree is always most difficult so late in the season!"

"It's not my fault that someone forgot to get a tree sooner!"

Patty's eyes turned to the quartet standing behind her. Maka Albarn had her arms crossed and eyes narrowed, Soul Eater was affecting a cool pose by holding his hands behind his head while leaning against the nearby warehouse wall, Tsubaki Nakatsukasa had her hands clasp in front of her nervously, and Patty's own sister, Liz Thompson, was more concerned filing her nails than engaging in yet another seasonal argument about proper holiday decorations. Yet hearing Patty's repeated grunts to coax someone to defend against her accusation, Liz sighed, and finally spoke up:

"It wasn't us, Patty—we tried our best to get Kid to, for once, plan the decorations far sooner than the day before Christmas."

"Amazed the guy remembered Christmas this year," Soul added. "Dude ends up waiting 'til the last minute to find and buy gifts, with all that time and money in the world, too."

"Like you're one to talk?" his meister questioned.

Tsubaki rolled her eyes.

"Not cool, Maka!" he shouted. "Decorations are up in our apartment, I finished shopping days ago, and my gifts are wrapped and under the tree." He leaned forward, getting as close to her face as possible without risking a slap to the head. "I could ask you why you are still running around gift shopping, since I noticed a distinct lack of any boxes under the tree with my name on them—poor planning on your part, slacker?"

"No," she said, crossing her arms even more. "I struggle to find something to please your oh-so-high expectations."

"What?!" Now the Death Scythe was baring his teeth, as Tsubaki stood between the two before they attempted to claw each other's eyes out.

"Knock off your bitching, you jerks," Patty started, "and let's bring the focus back to my bitching!" She stared back at the proprietor. "I expect to find quality trees at Honest Jacob's Tree-Emporium, and all I'm seeing are secondhand sickly needle bunches! Now get me the good stuff, or I start getting mean!"

The proprietor tested that threat: "You aren't being mean now?"

Liz had barely managed to wrap her arms around Patty's waist before she could pounce on the proprietor. "Sorry, really! My sister is just anxious at this time of year! We'll just be wrapping up our search and heading out soon, thanks!"

As soon as the proprietor departed—dashing as far from those damned demon weapons as possible—Liz's forced smile dissolved back to a frown. "Patty—one tree—get it, now."

Patty studied her sister's eyes, sighed, then resumed her usual giddy smile. "Okay, Big Sis! I should be able to make my selection shortly." She pressed a finger to her chin, examining the supine trees piled on top of each other. "I'll be finished in about an hour."

"Just pick one!" two voices cried. The wait was irritating the usually cool Death Scythe and his meister.

"You can't rush quality, you two!" Patty pointed at Soul and Maka. "These things must be perfect and precise!" She sprinted to the remaining trees scattered around the lot. A desperate Liz looked to Tsubaki, and her friend, understanding, followed to make sure Patty did not end up burning down another tree lot this year.

Meanwhile, Maka's mouth hung open. "So, being around Kid has rubbed off on her, huh?"

"No," Liz said, crossing her arms and leaning back against the warehouse wall. "She has been this particular about Christmas trees since she was five."

Maka studied Liz. "You mean back when you were in New York?"

"Yep." She looked askance at her friend, a crazed stare focused on Maka. "What, just because we were dirt poor, ya think we couldn't afford a tree?!"

"No!" Maka said, her face reddening. "Sorry! I just meant-"

Liz laughed. "Calm down. Of course we couldn't afford a tree! That didn't stop Patty, though. Every single December, wherever we'd walk, she'd make me stop at every single corner wherever some schmuck was selling trees. She examined each one, stick her nose and take a big whiff for the pine scent, even shoplifted some ornaments from nearby stores to decorate a few trees hoping that would entice pedestrians to buy us a tree." Liz crossed her arms, her smile rueful: "No one would help us with that one."

Maka looked back at Patty. She was sprinting around every side of each tree, eyeing them from top to bottom, examining the flexibility of the branches, how many needles fell onto the ground, all while shouting at Tsubaki to take notes for her so that they could arrange the trees from best to worst, factoring size, color, and overall health. Tsubaki, to her credit, accommodated her, furiously scribbling onto the notebook Patty tossed at her. Patty even pulled a tape measure from her jacket pocket to check whether each tree would fit through the hallways into her mansion.

"But she got spoiled," Liz continued. "At eight o'clock every Christmas Eve, she'd dragged me out of our apartment. If I didn't have my backpack ready for our night out, too bad." Maka's smile brightened. "You wanted to get good seats for the Christmas parade the next day?"

Liz glanced at Soul, with a look that asked whether she was serious. Soul gave a slight shrug.

"No. God, I wish we had a car or something to get around-subways were always so dingy."

"You could have hotwired one."

"Been there, done that, didn't like the mug shots." She eyed Soul. "Like you know anything about hotwiring anything."

"I can hotwire!" he protested, she and Maka giving him incredulous looks.

"Anyway, Patty would drag me below ground, hop the turnstile, drag me onto the subway, and we'd get off about 15 stops later."

"At which station?" Maka asked, not really sure of the New York subway system to really know but too engrossed in the conversation to not contribute something.

"It was Rockefeller, huh?" Soul interrupted. Maka glanced at him. "You mostly hung out around Gowanus, right? Had to be Rockefeller Center, based on that many subway stops."

"One point for Ev-er, Eater," Liz said, her smile being more genuine than the sneer she sometimes wore when mocking his detailed interruptions. Yet that smile led Soul to feel his heart skip a beat: what name was she about to call him?

"So that giant tree that they prop up in the middle of the city every year?" Maka asked, getting more interested in the discussion.

"Well, not exactly center," Liz said, then slapped her forehead. "Gah, now Kid's got me doing it too! Anyway, Patty would hop the ice rink, dragging me behind her, and after slipping back and forth, we'd manage to get to the other side, where she'd plop me down under the tree, just to look up at that gargantuan tree, smell its pine scent, beat each other with the stuffed animals underneath it, and shake the presents underneath that tree. She'd look at me, like she felt guilty—for the gift shaking, not the breaking and entering—and she'd tell me it didn't count, 'cause it wasn't midnight yet. Then when it was, she'd rip open the gifts…"

Liz fell off in discussion. Soul and Maka looked hesitantly at each other. Liz inhaled, then finished her story: "They'd all be empty." Liz kicked off the wall, walking a bit past the weapon and meister, her arms still crossed as Patty, yards away, tilted her head, trying to find just the right tree.

"Patty would say that Santa didn't deliver to us, she'd kiss my cheek, and she'd hug me. Eventually she'd fall asleep, and I would take the blanket out of my backpack, and wrap her in it to keep her warm all night. Security would arrive in the morning and run us off."

Soul cleared his throat. "I'm amazed they didn't run you off sooner." Maka jabbed him in the ribs.

Liz chuckled. "Hell, any security guard even showed their face around the tree, and Patty'd whipped me out, aim, and threaten to shoot. She even beaned one guy in the head with a stuffed panda animal. People around there knew not to mess with the Brooklyn Devils, you know?"

Maka's eyes soften, as she glanced from Liz, over to Patty. She smiled. "So, how much longer you think this will take?"

Liz glanced at her watch. "Give her another 5 minutes. If she doesn't hurry up, I'll rein her in."

A shriek echoed through the lot, yet the three students only heaved their shoulders, and sighed.

"Patty, stop torturing that poor con artist," Liz shouted.

The shriek repeated.

"I'm serious, Patricia!" But as Liz turned, she saw the proprietor sail past her, colliding with a tree, knocking it and others down like dominos. She saw a flash of light out of the corner of her eye, as Soul grew blades on both of his forearms, and Maka assumed a pose to fight.

"Patty?" Liz said, her typical nervousness emerging in her voice. "Please tell me that was you."

A growl echoed behind the trees.

Soul and Maka glanced at Liz. "What?!" she shouted. "That could still be her!" The meister and weapon only shook their heads, as they saw Tsubaki and Patty emerge from the other side of the lot.

"Are you okay?" Tsubaki called to them.

"The lot owner looks banged up!" Soul called back. "What do you see?"

"A big-ass tree!" Patty shouted.

"Forget the damn trees! What made that noise?!"

"Like I said-" Patty started to say, before a tree fell in front of her, revealing behind it another tree-one with fierce and fiery eyes, a mouth of rotten teeth, and a mess of roots wrapped together in the form of arms and legs.

"Well," Patty continued, "I think this image speaks for itself!"

"Humans," the tree growled. "For too long have my kind suffered at your hands-as you cut down my brethren by the thousands! I will have my rev-"

"Gah!" Patty moaned. "Really? This fucking cliché? 'Think of the trees!' Hey, Lorax-piss off! I'm still tree hunt-"

The tree's roots smacked her, sending her sailing into the pile of trees she had created, as Patty slide on her back, stopping in front of Liz's feet as her sister looked down at her, horrified. Maka tightened her fists. "Soul," she said, "fight on your own on this one."

Soul frowned. "Forget it. Weapon, meister-I got your back on this."

"Then shut up and listen when I give you an order!"

"And I'm saying I'm not leaving you to fight by yourself!" he replied. "Look, if this is about the postcard earlier-"

"I'm not fighting alone," Maka said, ignoring Liz's inquisitive glance. "Liz has Patty, you are a Death Scythe, and Black Star isn't here, so I'll wield Tsubaki. Got it?"

Soul grimaced. "Fine. Good plan. Should I take the right side, or do you want to fight over that, too?"

Maka attempted a smile despite her furrowed brow. "Be my guest. Tsubaki!"

"Right!" the weapon called, her body forming into a beam of light that flew into Maka's hands, transforming into a chain scythe.

Maka looked to the Thompsons, Patty back on her feet, now standing a few feet ahead of her. "Liz, cover us!" Maka shouted, as her and Soul dashed to either side of the monster.

"R-right," Liz stuttered. "Patty! To me!"

Upon seeing her fearful her sister looked, Liz's courage rose. "Patty!" she cried again.

Patty looked stunned at the monster, then her usual smile returned, as she sprinted to her sister-and right past her.

"Where are you going?!"

"No worries, Sis! I'm just getting the heavy artillery!"

As Soul sliced at the creature's roots, he was knocked back, landing supine at Liz's feet. He stared at her. "What, you guys bring weapons during tree hunting?!"

"No!" Liz protested. "I have no idea what she's talking about!"

Soul was about to reply, when Liz was went flying backwards. She landed hard against the warehouse wall, hanging in the air, unable to move. It had happened so fast that Soul barely registered the projectiles: the tree monster had fired its pine needles, and they had sailed through the air, pinning Liz to the wall.

"Hey!" Liz called. "This is a designer coat, you bastard! I'll make you pay for this!"

The monster sneered. "Will you?"

Maka, who up to that point had been struggling to wrap Tsubaki's chain around any root of the creature to hold it down, stopped jumping. "What do you want?"

The answer came in the form of a swipe, as Maka hit the ground, yet rolled back onto her feet, still clutching onto Tsubaki.

"My brethren have suffered too much under the hands of you pests. Now, we rise! Brothers, to me!" The tree raised its roots, now glimmering with red energy, into the air, as if holding his hands up to the heavens, begging his fellow plants to arise and fight against their oppressors.

Nothing happened.

"Brothers?" the tree said hesitantly.

"Must not have kept the trees very well watered here," Tsubaki said, concerned. "I kind of figured that out based on Patty's meticulous notes on the poor flexibility of these trees' branches and their sickly colors."

"My brethren, dead already?!" A cry echoed from the creature's mouth, more so from Soul having sliced off parts of the tree.

"Death City, bub," Soul said, holding up his bladed forearms front of his face. "Comes with the territory. Maka, now!"

Both Death Scythe and meister leapt, Maka wrapping Tsubaki's chain around the tip of the creature, between its burning eyes and its rotten mouth. Even in weapon form, Tsubaki could feel the heat emanating out of the creature's eyes.

"Maka!" Tsubaki called. "Its soul is somewhere between its eyes-I can feel its resonance!"

"Soul, now!" Maka called, ordering her partner to jab into that particular space. Soul, still in the air, landed on the platform Maka had created by tugging back on the creature, trying to take it off its balance, as Soul plunged his blade between the creature's eyes. He tugged back-and found himself stuck.

"What the hell?" he muttered.

Maka, distracted, did not sense the creature's roots reach around her shoulders, and fling her off into the pile of discarded trees, Tsubaki left hanging around the monster's neck.

"Sap-my very life-blood-will keep you in place," the creature moaned, as its roots wrapped under Soul's arms and began to squeeze. "Let's see how you bleed, pest!"

Despite feeling his ribs bruising, Soul kept his smirk. "Black, if you must know." He stabbed at the roots, slowly extricating himself. Yet he knew with this continued pressure, he would be done for if he did not chip off more root more quickly.

"Soul!" Maka cried, as she dashed back to the creature, kicking into its side as she climbed up the tree to retrieve Tsubaki, then proceeded to cut into the creature's branches. "Let him go!"

"Pest!" The creature struggled to keep up with Maka, as she bounced around its base. "What makes you think you can kill that which has lived as long as I? My rings are countless." The rotten mouth curled into a sneer, its glance returning to Soul, as he struggled to keep from passing out thanks to the intense grip around his abdomen. "Let's see how many rings this little one has, once I slice him apart!"

With that, the creature's roots reformed into a jagged edge, as it came down to bisect the young Death Scythe. Soul kept his glare focused, facing his demise with dignity, as Maka and Tsubaki could look only in shock.

"Let it snow, motherfucker!"

A spray of white foam blinded the creature, its bladed roots missing Soul and colliding with the floor near Maka's feet. Clutching the creature under its mouth was Patty, now dressed in holsters that contained two aerosol cans. She tapped against the roots holding Soul, which allowed the Death Scythe to extricate himself-and fall squarely on his ass with a groan of pain.

"Maka!" Patty cried. "Wrap Tsubaki around his neck again!"

Maka overcame the confusion of Patty's appearance, yet did as she was directed. She leapt around, swinging Tsubaki's chain until she could tug back on the creature, holding it stationary while Patty did...whatever she was about to do.

"You want a white Christmas, you bastard!" Patty said, staring into the recovering eyes of the monster. "Then suck on artificial snow!" With that, she removed both cans from her holsters, spraying them directly into the creature's mouth. The monster made gurgling noises, the substance poisoning him from the inside, as Maka felt both the pressure through Tsubaki's chain increase, and felt the monster's soul shrink in size.

Yet the monster still had fight in itself, as its roots slowly curled around Patty, not just around her waist and arms, but trapping her in a body-sized prison of vegetation. "I die, I go with one more," the creature said.

Patty struggled to punch her arms against the roots, as she tossed one canister into the creature's already foamy mouth. She let the can sit there, as she pulled back her fist, and with a herculean effort against those roots, smashed her fist forward against the aerosol canister—and an explosion of white chemical sprayed into the monster's gaping maw. The snow swept through every part of the creature from the inside out, as Maka and Soul barely dodged the mess that poured around their feet. As Tsubaki transformed back into her human form, Maka and her weapon peers heard the gurgling sound of the creature die, while from the pile of artificial snow, Patty burst from it, just a blob with eyes peeping out of the mess.

"Yahoo!" she shouted. "One dead tree monster! Please, no thanks necessary—I know my public loves me already! You can pay me with sugary snacks and burning fireplaces."

"Patty!" a tearful Liz screamed, having removed enough pine needles from her coat to extricate herself from the warehouse wall. "Little Sister! You could have been killed by that nasty creature!" She held out her arms to hug her sister—then realizing her messy state, backed off. "Um, let's clean you first, hmm?"

Patty glanced down at her appearance, then up at her sister. "Nope!" she said with a wide smile. "I'm a yeti! Give me a hug, Sis!"

Liz cringed, holding off Patty's swinging arms by pushing her hand as hard as possible against her forehead. "Not on my good clothes, Patty!"

"Ah, they're torn up now anyway! Love, Sis, love!"

As Liz began to dart through the fallen trees to avoid her grungy sister, Maka, Tsubaki, and Soul approached the tree monster, still lying motionless.

"Maka," Tsubaki asked, "can you sense its soul?"

Maka closed her eyes, and upon opening them said, "Yes. Despite the body remaining, the soul is somehow still inside."

"I'll get it!" Patty shouted, having returned and plunged her hand into the branches.

"Patty!" Maka protested. "That's not how you retrieve a—"

"Here!" Patty's hand ripped out from the branches, holding a shining green orb, dripping in sap onto her hand. "Merry Christmas, Maka!" she said, plopping the mess into her friend's hand.

"Oh, joy," Maka replied.

"Who should consume this soul?" Tsubaki asked. "It was a team effort, so I am not sure I should take it."

"Let Soul have it," Liz said, walking forward, nervously examining her coat for any pine needle holes. "He'll eat anything."

"Please. Like I want my breath smelling like pine all day."

"I heard some chicks like that," Patty said, hitting her elbow against Soul's ribs, leaving a smug of artificial snow on his jacket. "I got some mistletoe for you, cutey."

A blushing Soul knocked Patty's hand away. "Like I'm getting caught under any tonight. Not after last year."

"Oh, come on!" Patty said, pushing into his arm. "You know it was fun!"

"Which part, the part where I got some Charles Dickens wedged into my skull, or Black Star and Kid gargling mouthwash for half the night?"

"The latter, mostly." On that remark, Patty noticed Tsubaki looking askance at her, as she tapped her index fingers together. Patty, recognizing her friend's hint, winked to let Tsubaki know that she was almost done with her gift for Tsubaki.

"And on that delightful note," Maka said, bouncing the sappy orb between her hands, "let's get this soul to the Academy. And get my hands to a sink, quick."

"Hold it!" Patty said. "First I got to pay that hardware shop across the street for, ahem, letting me borrow their supplies without paying," as she gestured to the empty cans of artificial snow. "And then let's get our tree back home!"

The meister and other three weapons looked at each other. "You finally found one?" they asked simultaneously.

"Right here!" Patty said, lugging the dead artificial snow-covered tree monster over her shoulder.

While their peers were stunned silent, her sister was the first to speak up. "Sis? It kind of has a big ugly mouth in the middle of it, with rotten teeth, and waxy dead eyes, too. The roots are all curled and gnarled."

"That's okay, Big Sis-we'll just turn that ugly part around to face the wall and cut off the roots!"

"But it's a monstrous corpse!"

"The perfect Death City tree, then!" She turned the monster around to show off all sides. "Look, Soul and Tsubaki even gave it a more traditional Christmas tree shape-thanks, you two! Sharp as usual!" She aimed her index finger and thumb like a pistol and fired a wink at the two, leading both weapons to slap their foreheads in frustration.

"And like Maka's sticky hands," Patty said, steadying the tree over her shoulder as she marched out of the destroyed tree lot, "this guy needs to get washed over before we decorate him!"

Maka cringed, half-expecting Patty's next remark to be that they were going to decorate her as well. She looked to Soul, both of them finally having calmed down from whatever they had argued about earlier, as he gave her a friendly nudge with his elbow.

"Can we just have one Christmas without some tree-related mishap taking place?"

"We'll know when we finish decorating Patty's for Kid's house, won't we?" Soul replied.

"Assuming Black Star hasn't already torn Kid apart."

Tsubaki, walking behind them, sighed. "It was either Kid being bisected, or another year in which Black Star tries to climb the tallest tree he can find."

Soul glanced back at the destroyed tree lot, as the banner for "Honest Jacob's Tree Emporium" fell to the ground, the proprietor collapsed in the middle of his facility, crying.

"This is somehow better?" he asked.

"Relax, shorty," Liz said, leaning an arm on his head. "We get home, and I'll direct payment from the DWMA account to Mr. Jacob over there."

Soul eyed the taller weapon, as he struggled to remove her elbow from digging into his scalp. "The benefits of being a personal weapon to Lord Death's son?"

"Not the only benefit I get," she said. As she marched off to join her tree-saddled sister, Soul raised an eyebrow. What the hell was that supposed to mean?

WRITER'S NOTES

As I said, by this point in this story, you will know whether you want to continue reading this fan fic: when these kids are fighting against a tree monster whose corpse will now be decorated in Kid's house, the rest of this story is pretty much going to be that absurd. I hope, however, that some parts of this chapter—Liz's story about Christmas with Patty in New York—lent some serious emotion, and that some of the questions foreshadowed—What was in that postcard Soul mentioned, and why has it upset Maka? What was Liz about to call Soul?—serves as some motivation to continue reading.

Of course artificial snow aerosol cans will kill a tree monster—the stuff smells awful.

I apologize for the pathetic allusions, in the form of Soul's "bub" line as he holds up his claws—er, blades-and Patty's "big-ass tree" remark. Oh, forgot to mention: the birdhouse in the tree is an allusion to the first Simpsons Christmas special.

I do not remember whether the Rockefeller Center tree has presents and stuffed animals under it—so, I am using some creative license here, and it will persist based on some settings that I will use in later chapters.

I am blanking on which nicknames the Thompsons had when they plagued New York City—"Brooklyn Devils" sounds catchy for right now.

Thanks for getting through these pages, and I hope you enjoy future chapters that will be posted between now and Christmas 2013.