I'll be your host!
K is for Kakuzu's mental problem
Wow! I didn't expect getting a review so FAST! Man I am so inspired, the inspiration is bubbling in my blood! In this chapter they are on their WAY to the show. They are outside their hotel and in their famous villains limo, going to the famous reality show I'll be your host!
Oh, hope you like it as much as my last one. Thank you all, reviewers and readers. :)
All of the criminals after their late daily routine of hygiene/stupidity, gathered themselves in the outsides of the hotel. It had a neon-bar decorated sign that said:
"The Akatsuki Lair!"
and it had an stupid plank untidily nailed beneath that said:
"and NO teh handzome, myighti, cute, ivil, slaughter murderers of the Akatsuki DO NOT liv here."
Kisame, one of the only sane members of the Akatsuki, sighted as he came out from the hotel with Itachi and the hidden-under-the-cloak RichardII. Tobi was there, waiting anxiously as he spoke with Zetsu.
"No, seriously, Zetsu-san, how are babies formed…"
"Well, that plank was definitely made by Tobi…" Kisame spoke heavily, and slapped his face for the second time that day.
Zetsu got the chance to walk to were Itachi was playing with RichardII, though he didn't notice, and where Kisame had been depressed himself over a plank.
"Well, Kisame, do you know if Lazy Town people are going to come, or not??" Zetsu asked with a cutting but noticeably relieved voice. His voice was really harsh and raspy. AHA! Maybe THAT was the reason he needed the nutritive Veggie-O's! But that noon, after his fit with Tobi, he had to comfort himself with super sugary Captain Crunch cereal.
Kakuzu eventually came down and everybody looked at him warily.
"What?" He asked as he looked at the staring eyes.
"Were is Hidan-san??" Asked Tobi in a wondering voice.
"Oh, him? I threw him out of the window."
Everybody paralyzed for a few seconds and then sighted in relief, after remembering that Hidan was immortal after all. Kisame interrogated not, since he was still slightly scarlet from the "action figure" incident. If he started scolding everybody, then, he would get teased and that was the least of his desires in that moment.
"Kakuzu-kun! Why don't you be a good boy like me and- AHHHH KAKUZU-KUN'S WEIRD LIVING THREAD IS CHASING MEEEE!!" Tobi screamed when Kakuzu had already lost his short patience with him.
After a wile of chasing and playing with teddy bears that no-one knew about except for Kisame, the last of the members of Akatsuki that were currently at the hotel, came down the stairs. Deidara, Sasori and Hidan came down the stairs and as they came to a point their bodies was fully seen, they could see that Deidara was holding Hidan's head above its body. Hidan's eyes were obviously looking for the masked nin and when he succeed his eyes opened widely in anger.
"YOU SKANKY ASSHOLE!!" He yelled and spat at the, now laughing, immortal. This time Hidan's eyes sprung right out of their sockets in disbelief, for real.
"OH MY FUCKING JASHIN! LOOK AT ME! I AM HERE, HEADLESS, FULL OF DOG SHIT, GRASS AND JASHIN KNOWS WHAT ELSE, AND NOW, EYEBALL LESS BECAUSE OF YOU! KAKUZU, YOU DIP-SHIT, I AM GOING TOO MURDER YOU ONE DAY, YOU WILL SEE!!" Hidan screamed. Kakuzu laughed even harder because his eyes were staring at him from the floor, out of their place but this time, he took some pity.
"Ok, Hidan. I will put your head back in place but you have to promise you wont kill us all in your rage attack." He said in a harder laugh when he imagined Hidan with his head stuck in pure dog shit.
"THE FUCK! YOU DON'T PUT CONDICIONS TO ME, PRETTY BOY!!" Hidan yelled and Kakuzu stopped laughing all at once.
"What you said?" Kakuzu asked dangerously calm.
"Ok,ok. I won't kill any off you, miserable bitches. Just stick my head in my shoulders please?" Hidan said with a shudder as a little of the black thread that was about to catch and kill Tobi, sewed his head back.
"Now, his eyes." Deidara said softly as he picked up the two slippery eyeballs and Hidan frowned.
"OW! BE CAREFULL, WOMAN BITCH!" Hidan screamed and Deidara flushed in anger. Fire struck in his eyes.
"DON'T YOU CALL ME WOMAN EVER AGAIN, UN!!" He yelled as he threw the eyeballs to the floor and squashed them with his feet.
"OMFGZOMGROFLLLLOLLLLZ!!" Kakuzu literally cried in laughter as Sasori picked up the mashed-eyeball pure that Deidara had done.
The eyeball, with the red iris that (supposedly) was in the middle, frowned.
"HOW THE HELL CAN YOU FROWN IF YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE EYEBROWS!" Screamed Sasori to the eyeballs, as he hold the pure between two fingers, in disgust, as if he was holding shit.
Hidan had a blanc look in his face and, absent mindly, said:
"Fucking. Ow."
That made the whole little gang crack up laughing, except Hidan himself and Kakuzu that had wet his pants long ago, of course.
Eventually, Kisame, Itachi, Tobi (That had been saved by RichardII)and RichardII butted in the conversation.
"Well I have to tell you, dearies, I had this G-R-E-A-T ramen yesterday at the Hotz Spa the other day! And the service is JUST for a queen! Or king.Or both, like me!!" Itachi suddenly blurted out, as if anybody knew he was…kind of queer.
He received questioning stares, freaky ones and even eyeball-less ones.
Soon enough, the people broke the stares, startled, and suddenly Sasori revealed too.
"Well, I have to admit… I collect…" He created a suspense that made the air tense around him and his stupid partners. Between them, Hidan, that had stuffed the pure eyes back again but they just seemed mockingly wrong.
"PUPPETS!" He suddenly yelled with a nice-guy pose and everybody turned around disinterested, mumbling something, getting inside the just-arrived black and red clouded limo.
It was really big and spacey, with 10 seats in total.
"Oh I LOVE Akatsuki!" Tobi squealed as they got in. Sasori sat with Deidara, Itachi with Kisame, and so on. Until there were 3 spaces left. Except for the driver.
"For whom are those?" Tobi enquired and Zetsu answered.
"For Pein and-"
"Konan…" Finished Itachi with a gleam in his eye. He pulled out evilly the hidden RichardII out of his cloak. "We are so much cooler than the blue haired chick! Aren't we, RichardII??" Oh yes we are!"" He made his Teddy say. For the second time in the day, he received really disconcerting stares.
"What!?" He asked astonished. "Don't you have a cuddly toy of your own?!"
Everybody looked at him some more and then they started nodding and mumbling.
"Well yeah, I've got this SUPER comfortable Jashin symbol plush thingy that has enormous white eyes. I called it Mr.Fuk-U. If somebody touches it for more than 3 minutes, he, or she, dies! Isn't that fucking great!?" Hidan told the rest with unexplainable exitement. They all nodded and patted him in the back for his bravery.
"Though I couldn't find him yesterday…" He told the rest sadly.
So THAT was what I E-bayed! Lucky me I put I wouldn't accept any devolutions!! Thought Kakuzu.
Hello!
Wha…what the…? Who the hell…!!
It's Tobi! Kakuzu-kun!
How the…!!
With the psychic power of the special-maga-enourmous-super-supercalifragilisticexpialidociously-big-broccoli-queen-veggie-O I ate this noon! Do you guys REALLY think I eat that crap for the hell of it?? You are nuts…
Kakuzu suddenly broke the chat. Confused, he looked at Tobi and then listened at what the people were discussing.
"…And I've got this sock fish called Scalywag. He is so warm at night! Almost as warm as Tachi's-" Kisame spoke out for the truth and then shut up, leaving us totally out of the statement that he was at least a little bit sane.
"And I collect little clay Jesica Alba's. I have 3200 in total! They are in 100 different costumes with 32 different poses EACH!!" Deidara screamed, happy now that somebody understood him and his secret art pieces.
"And every time I am pissed off I blow shit up!! Un!!" He casually added, thinking no-one knew that. But everybody did so no-one paid attention. Kakuzu recalled what Tobi said and then asked Zetsu.
"Hey, what is that shit, errrr… cereal thingy called special maga-enourmous-super-supercali-I don't give a crap of the rest-big-broccoli-queen-veggie-O??" Zetsu darted a killer stare towards Tobi, that didn't saw it because he was to busy drinking his "vodka" smartly.
"Tobi, cut the crap. We all know its not vodka, its obviously water." Hidan said as he snatched and drank a sip. He suddenly started wobbling like a fish out of the water, and then he fainted.
"Crap." Zetsu said when he saw the body. He shook his head and then continued talking. Hidan's body shook to the floor and no-one cared enough to lift him up. Kakuzu wondered who the hell was Tobi for real.
"Tobi, what the hell was that??" He asked and Tobi shrug.
"I guess an thunder jutsu might have slipped my hand…"He said in an innocent voice.
Kakuzu stared at his masked organization partner.
The rest of the Akatsuki didn't have much to say. Sasori slept with Sandaime Kazekage's puppet and Itachi with RichardII. Zetsu, slept with his pajamas and he refused to say more.
"Hey guys, " Itachi said, recovering his manly side. "Lets guess with what Orochimaru slept or still sleeps with!" He proposed. Everybody sniggered and miraculously they seemed to be taller and an excessive shadow cast in their faces as they laughed evilly. Except Tobi, that stood aside and watched that the freaking weirdo of Kakuzu had been selling portable torches in that last second of enjoyment.
How does he do that? Tobi wondered
I have my ways…AHH!! THE DEVIL HAS FINNALY GOING TO CRAWL TO MY BED AND EAT MEEEE!!
No, you ass face. It's Kakuzu.
Oh… AHHH! KAKUZU-KUN HAS FINNALY GOING TO CRAWL TO MY BED AND EAT MEEEE!!
...
How do YOU do that?
I ate the special maga-enourmous-super-supercalifragilisticexpialidociously-big-broccoli-queen-veggie-O that Zetsu had hidden in the very back of Alice.
Who the hell is Alice!?
Alice is his plant..
………………
AHHH! That big thingy he always caries! Oh, Kakuzu-kun! You are a good, smart, boy!
Whatever.
And they broke contact again.
The power of the veggies… Kakuzu thought to himself as he made sure there were no more intruders in his filthy rich mind. If he kept talking in his head he was going to turn even more wicked. And he wasn't sure that attracted money. Nor chicks. If it did, then he didn't bother.
PUDDING!
xxx
Pein had his 6 bodies out and he was playing Ini-meney-miney-moe with them.
"What body should I choose…" He told Konan.
"Just choose any, fast." She said in a voice that screamed she couldn't care less.
"I need to choose one… But I don't know who…" He spoke with his monotone, deep voice.
"Pick. A. Fucking. Body. Quickly." She said cuttingly calm. Pein didn't care and kept flickering his finger at them.
"I would. If I had the actual power of controlling myself…" He answered annoyed.
WARNING! THE ZTUPID CHICK WRITING THIS STORY HAS GONE COMPLETELY MAD!!
Suddenly Pein had an urge to dance. He grabbed Konan by her waist and started moving his hips in circles, taking of his cloak he uncovered his belly.
"BELLYDANCE!!" He screamed and started dancing belly dance with Happy Konan!
Ok, this NEVER happened. I just wanted a little more stupidity :D
"True…" Konan replied. "But tell her to hurry you up."
"HURRY ME UP!!" Pein screamed to the cement covered sky and suddenly his decision was made firm.
"I am choosing, that one…" He said pointing to the one with a pony-tail. The body started to jump up and down with excitement and then it stopped when Pein concentrated his full self in it.
"Now I am ready, Konan." He finally said in his unique voice. It was smooth as silk yet so steep like a descending mountain.
"Are the others going to come, dude? I mean, they are taking ages and my ass is turning square. AND, my butt crack has been filled with my butt cheeks for waiting sitting down so much time." Konan grunted and then got her knotted hair.
"I am to lazy to keep it nice and tidy so long..." She said as she pulled the tie that made her hair neat, making is cascade in her shoulders like pure cerulean water.
Pein stared at it with his apparently bored eyes. He was so calm, cold and SO fucking emo, yet he felt secret hot and passionate love for his companion, and that gesture she had just made, made him hard to hide. He could manage, but it was really difficult.
In an effort not to sweat or talk, he sighted lots and moaned too but Konan noticed vaguely, so she made a cautious, gentle and delicate question.
"What the fuck is wrong with you, dude??"
Pein contained his un-evident laughter beneath his spiraling eyes.
"Nothing, now get off and work, or else I kill you for incompetence." He scowled and, to his dis-surprise, Konan simply stood up and, relaxed, continued arranging the things she had too, like the papers before the show and stuff.
"Hey Pein, is Sasori's chauffeur actually going to pick them up? Its been long since he called." Konan asked. Pein didn't know who the heck was the chauffeur.
"Who the heck is the chauffeur…" He "asked" in his deep monotone.
"A chauffeur is a guy that drives a car and he goes to one place to another and…"Konan started explained and then cracked up. Pein stared at her with a dagger-sharp stare. Konan didn't cut it out immediately but her busted gut had faded away and a few snorts of laughter remained.
"It's that weird Yuura guy…" She answered between coughs and laughs.
Pein suddenly remembered and then he regretted his interest.
"Hn…" He hummed to himself and then continued doing his stuff.
xxx
The classy villains of the Akatsuki were a few minutes away from their destination and they saw that lots of people were taking them photos. Kisame ignored the rude remarks and comparisons the people made and Tobi happily posed for them.
"This maybe was not a good idea after all…" Kisame huffed sadly under his breath so, that way, only Itachi heard.
"Yeah it was. You are as beautiful as anything." Said Itachi, still with his manly side on. Kisame collapsed to his arms and hugged him close and Itachi just embraced him until the limo gave a jerky movement. Tobi spilled his "Thunder vodka".
"The fuck!?" Asked Sasori, looking at Yuura, his emo eyes looking madly at him.
"Sorry Sasori-sama but it seems like the police has seen us." Yuura reported and all of the Akatsuki turned around at the same time and asked in astonishment.
"The Police!?" Tobi was the only one of the group who was actually happy.
"THEY ARE MY FAVE BAND!! Ugh!! faint " He fainted and all of the people sighted.
"Damn. What are we gonna do now??" Asked Sasori and soon enough his answered was conceived.
"Well I think we should inform him is not the actual band and throw him a glass of water..." Yuura proposed and Sasori slapped hi head with his hard "hand".
"NO ASS FACE! I MEAN THE POLICE!" Sasori screamed his inexistent gut out.
Yuura looked at him, embarrassed for his dumbness.
"I'll go real fast. You ok??" Yuura asked Tobi
"Bring it OOOOONNNN!!" Sasori screamed when Yuura pushed his feet with all of his might in the accelerator and the Akatsuki's heads bashed against the windows a couple of times.
"I THINK IM SMASHING MY BRAINS OUT…UUUUNNNNNN!!" Yelled Deidara, with his voice mixed up by the supernatural speed if the Akatsuki-mobile.
"WHAT BRAINS!?" Screamed bitterly Sasori.
"YOU'VE NEVER HAD ANY BRAINS!" Hidan added to the conversation too, after he luckily woke up. He kicked hard Tobi's faint body.
"HE DISERVED THAT!!" He screamed because the speed was inter-galactical now.
The car stopped all of a sudden and the criminals all crushed what was in front of them.
"Whe…whe…wheeeeere the heeeeell aaaaare wwweeeee?…?!…?…!? Asked Hidan as he felt his own brains had been drained out. Yuura was exceptionally fine and he answered.
"In China…" And all of the Akatsuki joined Tobi in the nice, spacey floor.
Hehehehehe! Akatsuki are in China…! Lolz, don't worry, they ARE making it to the show, its just…I felt inspired as HELL today, I don't know why. I wrote it all of it today and I am tired. So I am going to sleep, but first I need to comment on the reviews. 3 in matter of HOURS. WOW, not used to it. But I cant say I don't like it…
Monkey-Ninja101 – Hey! Thank you very much I tried to make it a little bit funny in the first chapter, but I didn't know you would like it so much! Is not that I don't like it, is that I simply didn't know. I always wonder how do they sleep, where and even how. Its really interesting creating my own scenario and the slight change of my twisted imagination. Thanks again for the review!
im.osem- I am with you so much girl!! Viva Akatsuki's! Don't need to apologize, I am crazy for them too so I guess we are both Akatsukitards. Zetsu is not CUTE he is DAMN ( I mean D-A-M-N) HOT!! Have you seen his freaking BODY! I would totally erase the plant and eat him right away! And, yeah, I will be looking forward so much to look at your fics! I love any kind of fine fics but if you need any help with beta reading, here is me! Just don't ask me to check grammar. English is my second language, you see. Well thanks anyway
Gaaragirl312- So you like the two "polite" Akatsuki's?? I love them too! I love them all actually… I will make more parts like that for you if you wish, I enjoy doing them right to my medulla. I love the violence that acquire humor! I simply need some help coz I haven't analyzed their characters too much yet. I wish for the anime to come out soon so I can see them in motion!! Kakuzu is fine too, I guess he is the "peacefull" one in comparison so I guess they are a good combination.