II.
I parked my Rabbit on the next street over, and tried to stay in the car as long as possible. I knew that when Bella said forty-five minutes, she meant forty-five minutes. But after much deliberation, I convinced myself that maybe she would get there early. I paced in the woods, just hidden beyond the brush. I was nervous, which surprised me—Bella had the power to make me happy, and sometimes incredibly angry, but never nervous. I ran over things to say to her, feeling like I should have some monologue ready. Cullen probably would have memorized some Shakespeare shit that she would positively swoon over.
But I didn't want to talk right now. I wanted to feel her, while her heart still beat, while she was still warm and soft. Not cold and hard with that insufferable stench after those bloodsuckers would corrupt her in a matter of weeks. I knew Bella never really wanted to tell me the whole "plot" she and Cullen had come up with. I'm not sure if its worse that I know what will eventually happen to her or not. Maybe I can convince her to change. Maybe.
"Jake?" Bella whispered, but even if she yelled it Charlie wouldn't have been able to hear her over the screeching cicadas. The light around the area was dim, lit only by the full moon and the lights left on in Bella's house. I leapt towards her (relishing in my newfound equilibrium) where she entered the forest a few feet away, startling her slightly. She yelped as I pulled her towards me, but giggled. "You're so eager," she laughed. "Like a puppy."
"You changed." I stroked her gray sweater and pulled her away momentarily to look her up and down. She wore sneakers (this made sense—twigs and thorns were not comfortable for her human feet) and jeans, with her hair pulled away from her face in a clip.
"It gets cold at night," she reasoned, "And I was wearing pajamas…I looked gross before." She wrinkled her nose.
"Wow, you're boring." I widened my eyes in mock surprise. "In bed by nine o'clock? On a Friday night?" I snorted. "I think you need a little more excitement in your life."
"Do you?" Bella replied sarcastically, rolling her eyes. "Alice is busy planning the wedding, which I have carefully explained to her I have no interest in fretting over. Edward is out and won't be back until Sunday…" I cringed at the mention of Cullens, but pulled her closer, pressing her head to my chest like before, silencing her before she could go on.
"Can you hear it?" I asked, stroking her hair.
"What?" She looked up at me, confused.
"My heartbeat." She pressed her head against my chest and placed her hand directly beside it.
"I can feel it." She replied, softly.
"He doesn't have that," I tried to control the anger in my voice. "When he holds you, you don't feel anything. He's not alive, Bella. I am."
"You're my best friend, Jacob." She said it dully, defeated. "I don't want to fight with you anymore, not when I've got so little time to spend with you."
"Oh yes, because this is all about the wedding." My voice was louder than I intended, and she shuddered in my grasp. I lowered my voice but my tone was equally harsh. "Humans get married, Bella. And guess what? They don't always last forever, just look at your parents." My knowledge of the Swan marriage situation had been gathered from bits and pieces I'd overheard from my father, and even then it was years before I knew Bella, so I never really paid attention. Bella had never really wanted to talk about her mother and father's relationship, or lack thereof. Still, I knew I struck a chord when I saw the pained look on her face. "You can't undo what—" I struggled to find the words. "When he bites you, that's it. You're done. No more me. No more Charlie. You live with those Cullens—" I spit out the word with such venom she recoiled. "Forever. And I'm using the term 'living' loosely."
"I love him." She said it simply. She didn't have to convince me. I already knew.
"And if you only loved him, if you had no feelings for me whatsoever, no reason to live, no hope at all, I would leave you alone. If we truly are only best friends and nothing more, I wouldn't bother you. I'd let you go, willingly." There was a hint of doubt in that last phrase. I loved her too intensely to let her go, even if she rejected me outright, I'd still follow her.
She shook beneath me, and I worried suddenly that she was crying. She wasn't—yet. Her left hand was on my shoulder, the ring mocking my words.
"But I want you," My voice was suddenly husky, rich with longing, and I pressed my lips along her hairline. "And I know you want me too. He's the first one you ever loved, how do you know he's the last? Maybe you're not meant to be together." She turned her head and I knew I'd spoken aloud something she'd been thinking for awhile. "And you'll never know if you jump into this so quickly."
"So what does that make you, the other woman?" She giggled, trying to lighten the mood. "A home wrecker."
"The other man," I replied, spreading my arms. "Werewolf." I corrected myself, grinning.
"I can't do this to Edward," she said suddenly, looking up at me, immediately somber.
"He's not here."
"He's been trying to stay away…" Bella blushed and looked down.
"What? Why?"
"To…" She struggled, and couldn't make eye contact. "…resist temptation." She said finally. I remembered back to that night in tent. Cullen with his cruel eyes, reminding me of how he had Bella while I couldn't.
"I'd just always assumed the two of you had..." Fucked. The word I wanted to use for such a vile act. "…slept together."
"Of course not." Her voice was cold. "He couldn't, he might accidentally hurt me or something. Or whatever."
"Exactly." I murmured, "I guess I'm not a saint like he is." I lifted her up, cradling her in my arms like a child and walked several paces to an old oak tree. Sitting carefully between two gnarled roots, I placed her carefully on my lap. I pulled her into me, resting my forehead against hers, my breath making her eyelashes flutter. She traced her fingertips along my chest, moving downwards across my stomach. I moved my hands from where they lay on her waist edging under her sweater to feel the smoothness of her skin.
She sighed contentedly, which pleased me. I was suddenly glad of my "werewolf tendencies". The human Jacob would have fumbled and struggled. My hands moved slowly and easily, and she never once pushed me away. In one quick motion I pulled the sweater over her head, which was when I first met resistance. She sputtered angrily, crossing her arms over her bra. One of those cotton ones, nothing lacy like from those magazines.
"I'll keep you warm," I whispered into her ear, folding my arms around her, trying to brace her against the lukewarm temperatures typical of a Forks summer night. I kissed her before she had a chance to really protest, eagerly drinking her in. She threw here arms around my neck, tilting her head and tangling her fingers in my hair. Her passion surprised me, I was almost convinced I would get to see the Bella I knew. The Bella without the bloodsuckers, who was always happy to see me.
I was overcome with how much I wanted her at this moment, worrying that she might pull away and want to stop, and knowing how much I didn't want to. I kissed her jaw line and her neck and her collarbone, while her fingers brushed against my neck and face, gently stroking my cheeks and forehead. She ran her hands down my body, hesitating at the waistband, as if suddenly unsure. I growled impatiently, placing my hands on top of hers, trying to maneuver my body for better access. The outdoors suddenly hindered me, a place I usually felt so comfortable. There were too many rocks, too many plants and twigs in all the wrong places. After wriggling on the ground for several incredibly long seconds, I sighed and gave up, collapsing in a heap on the floor. Bella was sitting on her knees beside me, biting her lip to keep from laughing.
"This isn't working." I admitted.
"This is all wrong." Bella said sadly, clumsily getting to her feet, looking unsteady.
"No, no," I was quick to reply, not wanting all the hard work I put in to be undone. "This is right, this is perfect. I love you, and I'm just showing it." I attempted what I hoped was an innocent smile. She placed a soft kiss on my lips.
"No," she wrinkled her nose, "Doing it outdoors."
"'Doing it'? I'm sorry, are you eleven?" I laughed and grabbed her, savoring her touch. "And where exactly do you propose we 'do it', Miss Swan? The backseat of my car? Is the big city girl attempting to become a small-town cliché?"
"I'll come to La Push tomorrow," she promised, ignoring my comment. "We'll talk." She said in a warning voice, "I don't want you to get the wrong idea." She wriggled away and pulled her sweater on, heading towards the safety of her well-cared for lawn.
"That's all I get as a goodbye?" I pretended to be hurt, but I was legitimately concerned about leaving her. The mere thought put me on edge. "Just let me stay the night. I'm sure Charlie's asleep by now, I'll spend the night in you're bed—"
"Jacob—" She turned around, one foot on the grass, arms crossed over her chest.
"—or you're room. Just you're room. I'll sit in your desk chair, I'll stay two feet away from you at all times." I held up my hands in defeat. Jesus, she had me compromising all over the place.
"No, Jake. I'll see you tomorrow. I'll come down to La Push," she promised when she saw my crestfallen face. I met up with her and grasped her hand, walking around the side of her house to the front door she left unlocked.
"Fine." It wasn't ideal, but I could tell from her tone that she wasn't backing down. She swayed slightly, clearly exhausted. I picked her up and carried her up the porch steps, silently opening the door and stepping inside.
"Okay, Jake, good night." She tried to get up and walk up stairs herself.
"No," I grinned, "I'll carry you up."
"Leave me here, I don't want you coming up."
"Why?"
"Because I won't be able to get you to come back down." I grinned. "And once you're there I'm not sure if I'll want you to leave." She smiled ruefully, and I decided not to push my luck. I kissed her gently, sweetly on the lips and set her on her feet.
" 'Night." I said, backing out the door, shutting it behind me. I jogged a ways, getting into my car. I sat, staring at absolute nothingness through the dashboard, completely content.