Title: Famous Last Words
Author: Calliope-plantain
Rating: M
Pairing:Regina/Emma
Disclaimer: I do not own Once. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended.
Storyline: *Sequel to Last Thing You'll Do* Emma tries to help Regina to come to terms with her death which leads them somewhere neither expected.
Author's Note: I'm sorry for the huge delay in updating. I wish I could say it won't happen again, except I know it will. I started a doctorate back at the end of September – so in three years I will become Dr Calliope-plantain haha. I don't know when I will update next, but I will try when I can.
Beta: Scarlet-Marauder awesomely encouraged me to write this, and then was my beta. So any mistakes she's missed and any feelings of distress are her fault ;)
"I see you lying next to me, with words I thought I'd never speak."– My Chemical Romance.
Her eyes scanned the familiar writing as her heart raced and knees throbbed. There upon the cream envelope was her name and address etched in black ink…in Emma's handwriting. How was it possible? What was this? It felt light in her hands despite the fact her stomach felt heavy in her gut. Her blood was pounding in her ears.
The familiar tingling was back. The tingling she'd come to associate with Emma and her diary. The diary she had read so many times in the last four weeks. So many times she could almost repeat them word for word. Her eyes and fingers had caressed each of Emma's written words as she memorised them. Memorised them for what they were; Emma's last gift. Except that wasn't true. Her small envelope within her hands was evidence of that.
Turning the pale envelope over, she simply stared at the join. It was neatly tucked into the back. Daring her. Daring her to open it and see whatever its depths held for her. Except her hands would not move to do so. How was this possible? It must be a joke. A sick joke by some loathsome foul being who clearly thought her and her son hadn't suffered enough.
Flipping the envelope over once again as if the writing upon the front might have changed she felt her stomach lurch once more. No it was defiantly remained the same. It was indeed Emma's handwriting.
Regina allowed herself to sink completely to the floor rather than her knees, both ached from the force they had collided with the ground. Her eyes traced each letter. Each loop she had become so familiar with. It was only then she noted a small "1" in the top right hand side. Did that mean the 1st? It was the first after all. Their anniversary. Was that what this was? A replacement of Emma being unable to be there. Or was it Emma's promise; this...whatever it was, was the first of several. Was this Emma somehow fulfilling her promise to do what she could once she died to help Regina get through it? Regina hadn't heard of such magic. It wasn't possible, was it?
Another almost painful buzz vibrated through her entire being causing her to audibly sob once more. Ripping open the thin envelope Regina finally accepted it was indeed from her love.
Dear Regina,
I wish I could ask you how you're doing but I already know. I am so sorry. I'm sorry for what I've put you through and what you're going through because of all this. Because of me. Since the curse broke I expected that if I died it would be fighting some magical creature or saving someone in need. I never thought it would be cancer. Sounds silly now doesn't it.
I love you Regina. I love you more than you will ever know. I wish more than anything I was there to tell you that, but this will have to do.
I promised you a future and I fought so hard to make it happen. I gave up so much, at the prospect of gaining so much more… I'm sorry I couldn't give you and Henry more. More of me, more time…just more, but I know you're both looking out for each other and will do so for years to come. So please remember to take care of yourselves too…and Mary Margaret and David? I need you all to be okay. I really need for you to be okay. For me?
I love you Regina, and I love you Henry. Thank you for making my time on this planet enjoyable. Thank you Henry for coming to find me and changing my world in a way I had never even dreamed was possible. I long had given up on fairy tales and happy endings; I never expected to end up living mine. I had long given up hope I would ever find a family I would belong in and you both gave me that and so much more.
This letter is my last promise. A promise I know I can keep this time, no strings attached. I don't know what your and Henry's future will look like; but I can promise you this. Life will go on. It will hurt for a bit, even a while. But I promise one day it will stop. One day in the future there will be a moment when you think of me and it won't hurt so much. It may still hurt sometimes but only a passing twinge. One day you'll think of me and of our time together and only smile – and that's okay.
Watching over you both and loving you always,
Your Emma … and Ma. Xxxx
Regina pulled the cardigan she was wearing around her tighter as the slight breeze taunted her. August weather was not meant to be this cold. Emma had always brought warmth to Regina's very soul, that could never escape and she never wanted it to. She had been wearing Emma's clothes since the day she'd discovered the Saviour's diary. The day of her funeral. She'd taken to spraying her perfume just before bed to cocoon herself in her late lover's embrace. The cardigan Emma had probably worn most in the last few months of her life had become her comfort blanket. Always worn. Sometimes simply to relax for a few hours as she read or watched TV. Or on the bad days when Henry wasn't there to sit and stare into the nothingness. At first it smelt so strongly of the other woman all Regina had to do was close her eyes. Close her eyes and Emma was there. Holding her. Holding her so tightly that nothing else mattered.
Now though. Now Regina had to search for the lingering smell over her own. The security it once held was drifting away from her and now she found even her fall back of spraying it with Emma's vanilla scent helped very little. But sitting on the beach alone; the salted breeze teased her nostrils…filling her with memories of the past, memories she would never give up. As her eyes slid closed and she inhaled deeply she felt the ever present tingle under her skin that only Emma had ever brought. Filling her entirely with a feeling Regina could not yet believe. One day it wouldn't hurt so much. One day it wouldn't feel as if her world had been ripped from her and her son. One day it wouldn't hurt to even draw in breath. One day all Emma would be is a happy but distant memory.
Warmth was surrounding her, engulfing her and seeping into every pore; as did the feeling of contentment. A feeling which increased tenfold at the feeling of a palm pressed against her midriff and the gently breathing brushing passed her right ear. Turning gently and slowly as to not wake the sleeping woman behind her, she was greeted by Emma's face merely inches from her own. She allowed the soft smile to grace her lips as she took in the sleeping woman's face and mess of blonde hair that was sticking up at odd angles. It was an endearing sight; one that until this moment she had yet been a witness to.
Emma's deep breath danced across her face, her sleeping partner clearly unaware of her audience. The blonde's face looked so relaxed and at peace. It was a stark difference from the evening before.
They hadn't seen each other in the two days that had passed since they'd decided Emma would be the one to break it to her parents about their relationship. Not even in passing only a handful of texts between them as Emma explained how the conversation had gone. It hadn't gone well. They had decided to tell Henry together first. He took it better than Regina had hoped, though he had started to talk excitedly about happily ever afters as both of his mothers averted their gaze from one another. It was much too early to talk of such things. They'd been… "dating" for little over two months, it was far too soon to be pinning hopes on their unlikely … and yet so possible and tangible future.
Regina hadn't been able to sleep at the thought of what Emma was going through simply for being in a relationship with her. The dread of what Snow would be telling her daughter in her attempts to get Emma to break off the relationship. At Snow's attempt to poison Emma against her. The longer Emma stayed away, the worse she felt. She'd given Emma the power to make or break her and it made her feel powerless. She kept telling herself Emma was worth it and wouldn't hurt her like that. She seemed to yo-yo between pessimistic thoughts of Emma ending their relationship and optimism that could only rival their son's about their future. Two months and she was letting herself get so caught in it all. She'd been so determined not to get sucked in and yet two days of little contact from the other woman had driven her nearly insane with worry and anxiety.
Then Emma threw her a curve ball by showing up on Regina's doorstep late the previous evening. The woman had had tears in her eyes and wordlessly engulfed Regina into the biggest deepest hug imaginable. Regina had held the other woman as she cried. Emma hadn't sobbed nor shuddered. There had been no signs of the younger woman's distress only her slightly laboured breath and fallen tears against the crux of Regina's neck as she held her close.
It had started with a simple kiss pressed against Regina's shoulder as the tears had stopped falling. Then another against her jawline, the corner of her mouth before finally one against her lips. Regina had accepted the kiss readily but had moved to ask the woman in her arms if she wanted to talk about it. Before the offer was made, it was declined with a soft "tomorrow" before Emma had seized Regina's lips once more; only this time there was no gentleness there. Regina had allowed Emma to run the show, and followed her lead as the blonde directed them up the stairs, although somewhat awkwardly towards Regina's bedroom.
Their clothes had been shred and more kisses placed in all the right places as they danced to the sensual beat they'd only started to perfect. Being so wound up Regina came first and Emma conducted her tenderly before following her over the edge. In the two months they'd been together, Emma had had shown and showered her in a wealth of emotions and experiences she had long since given up hope ever to understanding never mind live first hand. In some pleasant twist of fate she'd been granted the opportunity of being with someone as one of kind as Emma Swan; and as she'd fallen asleep in her lover's arms she had felt secure…protected and dare she think it…loved.
Regina moved back slightly to distance herself from the sleeping face in front of her. It was to enable her to see it clearer; only she had fight back a chuckle as Emma's nose crinkled in dislike at the move. Moments later the bleary eye visible over Emma's pillow opened and closed a few times before Emma darted back in a shock realisation of their proximity.
Regina knew she was smirking as Emma moved her hand from the older woman's stomach in order to rub her slumber marred eyes. "How long have you been watching me sleep?" Emma asked her voice gruff with sleep. A tone Regina realised she always wanted to wake up next to. It was a romantic notion she was not going to share with her partner of little over two months; not just yet, and yet she found she wanted to.
"Long enough" Regina quipped and heard Emma's groan as she sat forward. The move caused cold air to rush underneath the blanket making goosebumps rise instantly on her heated flesh.
"I should get going" Emma said her voice still groggy and yet held command Regina found tantalising and felt eager to hear it more often. She did not want Emma to leave. It wasn't about being needy; it was about wanting to feel close. She had long since accepted they were in a relationship and had enjoyed the excitement of the secrecy surrounding their union, but now people knew. Now she found she wanted…needed more. She was ready for more, and the fact Emma was right next to her was proof enough that Snow hadn't succeeded in scaring Emma away.
"You don't have to" Regina said as nonchalantly as she could, though found she could simply stare at the blonde's bare back. Even when Emma turned quickly to look at her, it took a moment for Regina to look her straight in the eye, because it was needy and she did care. She wished she didn't.
Emma's eyes were wide and filled with surprise and what looked like confusion. "We don't do sleep overs Regina" the other woman said softly as if it was a horrible confession that should not be heard outside their four walls. Except they weren't "their" four walls. They were Regina's, and she felt her stomach plummet. Emma didn't feel the same. She had been stupid enough to believe the Sherriff would ever feel the same.
Of course she didn't. Regina had made it clear early on…before they even started whatever this was that she didn't want others to know. They often texted each other when everyone else was asleep and Emma "poofed" herself over. They didn't always have sex, though it wasn't uncommon. They often spent hours simply talking. Talking about whatever came to mind. The important and the mundane. It was special and intimate. It was something Regina had desired to keep between them.
"It was your rule" Emma said incredulously and Regina couldn't help but feel even moreridiculous because the blonde was right. It had been her rule. Emma was to appear and disappear before anyone had noticed she was gone. It wasn't out of shame or disgust; it was to keep them both safe. Emma's parents' reactions were proof she'd been right all along.
"Our relationship is public knowledge I just…I thought that had changed things" Regina explained trying hard to keep her voice even. They'd been dating for two months and Regina didn't know what their future would hold she found herself wanting to find out. They hadn't even said that they loved each other yet…maybe they never would, but she didn't want to give up on them yet.
"Do you want it to?" her bedfellow asked and even she could hear the thick tone of hesitance that dripped from the words as Emma wrapped the cover round herself more. Though what Emma was hesitant about Regina didn't know and it almost physically hurt her. To not know if it was the prospect of the next step or saying it out loud. Except Regina couldn't give her that reassurance because she felt it too. Despite the security she felt now around Emma, she couldn't even consider Emma's true feelings. Always second doubting them, never mind her own.
"Do you?" Regina asked and felt the pregnant pause stretch what felt like an eternity before Emma nodded. Regina bite her tongue to stop herself from making an audible sound. What sound her body would have betrayed her with she was unsure, but she wouldn't allow it.
"Really?" she asked cautiously and received yet another nod. She needed to hear the words. Maybe it made her even needier, she didn't know but she needed to hear it all the same. She needed the confirmation. The reassurance that it wasn't only her mind that was playing tricks on her. Regina often felt worthless but Emma had changed that. She'd changed that in just a matter of months, but she still had her demons. Her doubts. She didn't want those to stop this from developing.
"Emma…I know Snow…I know and I'd understand…" she breathed softly, pleading with the woman on the other side of the bed to deny what she was saying. To deny what she was unable to say. She knew how unfair it was to demand such a request because Emma had been the one to take the lead over their whole relationship and yet Regina controlled it. She knew that. It was her who directed it and created the rules and conditions of their union and Emma followed suit. It was Emma who eyes filled with … love...or admiration and so many other amazing things whenever she was in Regina's company. It was the blonde who sent her, her favourite flowers while she was at work and left little notes for her to find throughout her day. Emma was perfect and somehow never demanded anything in return.
"I want more Regina" Emma said carefully, her tone was guarded. She was just as scared as Regina and yet she still managed to do and be everything Regina needed of her. The older woman let out a breath she wasn't aware she had been holding.
"Good" Regina said softly with what she hoped was a reassuring smile. She wished it wasn't something that felt so huge. Emma could sleep over, it wasn't a big deal but to them…both of them it was. They both felt the gravity of it, and part of it scared Regina. Much like everything else she'd felt for the other woman over the last two and half months since Neverland, and yet somehow she had fought every impulse to run. She found she never could run from the other woman but instead meet her head on.
Emma just looked down at her however. There was no returning smile or reassuring glance. The blond was just looking at her as if amazed. It made her feel a little uneasy if she was honest but she refused to look away.
"Get back into bed" Regina said trying and failing to make it sound more like a suggestion than a plea. Emma broke her gaze away from her to look at the clock, and Regina could see despite the other woman's words she was still tense…possibly fighting the urge to run.
"Emma please?" Regina murmured giving up the pretence that wasn't going to beg as she allowed herself to trace the bare hip inches from her. Maybe it was Regina's tone or the soft caress the brunette didn't know but Emma turned her head back and simply sighed. She gave no confirmation. Emma simply slid back into place as if nothing had happened.
Emma's bare skin seemed to burn against her own, almost scorching her wherever their bodies touched. Emma was still nervous and still reluctant to maintain eye contact. "Thank you" Regina breathed and felt her heart leap at the small smile that finally graced her lover's lips.
The almost mystical emerald eyes did not raise to hers however until she heard Emma's almost broken and timid reply, "Thank you for keeping me".
The slight crunch of sand made Regina jump and open her eyes. The scene in front of her was much as it had been before her ever present pull to get lost in memories had overpowered her. Children and parents were playing in the sea while she remained concealed in their hidden oasis. No-one had ever bothered them here and it was a tradition that withheld which was why Regina ventured here whenever she could.
The crunching however could still be heard over the families playing in the distance, and a few seconds later the perpetrator became known. Snow's head appeared from around the large selection of rocks to her right. Despite their renewed truce since Emma's death Regina still felt the pang of annoyance and hatred pulsed within her chest. Annoyance for disturbing her. Annoyance for not being with her son who'd requested to spend the next few days with his grandparents. Hatred for the past and hatred for still managing to live her happy ending with her true love when Regina's had been ripped from her. The latter was a feeling she felt for most the townspeople however. A feeling she knew to be unfair but then her fate felt so unfair.
Snow did not look reluctant as she appeared from behind the rocks, but instead looked her straight in the eye. No one but Henry had managed to do that in the last month. Most avoided her eye contact or gave it only to look away when it felt too intense. Just enough to get a glimpse into her life before they looked away. Just a passing moment in Regina's shoes. Regina was used to people staring; it wasn't that, that bothered her. It was the looks of pity. The looks of understanding. She did not need their pity and they didn't understand. They couldn't.
Regina bit back the urge to bark at the pale woman to leave her alone. Regina had noticed the changes in the other woman since her daughter died. It was impossible not to. Snow had lost weight, her complexion was even paler than usual and she seldom smiled. It spoke to the woman who had once cared for the young girl despite everything else going on inside. Regina knew, no matter how much she tried to deny it she had once cared for the woman in front of her. There was also a part she frequently ignored that still did and it had nothing to do with her bond to Emma.
Snow never broke her stride as she walked to towards the former Queen but it wasn't Snow's walk that held Regina's attention. It was the envelope clutched in her hand. It was exactly like the one folded inside Regina's pocket. The older woman felt her stomach drop at the realisation and yet her heart soared despite of itself.
Snow had a letter too. Part of Regina had wondered if it was a sick joke or maybe just her imagination but here was proof in Snow's hand that it wasn't. Except Regina wasn't the only one. She wasn't the only special person to receive one. It wasn't because it should be their anniversary, or because she had an undeniable connection with Emma, because Snow had a letter too.
Regina felt the familiar weight upon her chest as she tried to inhale calm into her system but pain didn't shift. Pain for what was lost and would never be regained; pain of all the "what ifs" Regina could create each more fantastical than the last. The pain of knowing and understanding Emma's written words, because Regina supposed the blonde was right. One day it wouldn't hurt so much and Regina wouldn't think of Emma in sadness but she refused to accept it…believe it. It hurt too much to even think that far ahead.
"She told me you'd be here" the younger woman said gesturing with the letter and ultimately pulling Regina from her thoughts. Even then however Regina was instantly reminded as Snow sat beside her, of the last time she's shared this patch with someone else. With Emma, the day before she died. It instantly felt violated and dirty. Snow was contaminating it with her mere presence. This was her and Emma's spot. They didn't share it with anyone.
"You got one too?" Regina asked pointlessly with an air of what she hoped was curiosity despite feeling her magic buzz unpleasantly beneath her skin making her feel nauseous. She did not want this woman here. Snow could impede on any aspect of her life, and she pretty much had; but she could not be here.
"Yes" Snow replied softly as she turned the envelope over, and Regina saw Mary Margaret's and David's names and address upon the front. It felt sickeningly satisfying to see in Emma's hand their names rather than her chosen titles for them in the end. Made her feel that moment of specialness the letter had brought her only a few hours before and yet at the same time it felt like a kick to the gut. They hadn't been Mary Margaret and David in the end, but Mom and Dad; why hadn't Emma addressed them as such?
"She told you I'd be here?" Regina asked suddenly just realising what Snow had said upon her arrival. Clearly not thrown by her question the other woman simply smiled tightly before answering her question.
"We've known for a while that this was where you disappear to. We thought you wanted to be left alone" Snow explained and while Regina guessed after the Charming and Henry had invaded their privacy here the day before Emma died, part of her had hoped they'd forgotten. Regina felt her heart drop at the word "alone" because she was yet again alone. Except it was worse than any "alone" she'd ever felt before because she knew now what it was like to be loved. Emma had loved her for exactly what she was; warts and all and loved her anyway. She'd never have that again. She did not want it again, she wanted Emma. She would always want Emma.
"But Emma knew you'd come straight here after getting her letter yes" Snow finished and for the first time since those days after Emma died Regina saw pity upon the younger woman's face. She did not need Snow's pity. She never needed it, and certainly didn't need it now. It wouldn't bring Emma back, nor would it make Regina feel better so she wished the insufferable woman would stop. Regina couldn't look at the other woman in the eye. Couldn't look at the dewy-eyed woman and not what to slap her. Couldn't keep fighting the urge to do so without feeling guilty for thinking about it because Snow was in no better state than she was. Her eyes fell upon the envelope still in Snow's hand.
Regina wanted to reach out and take the other woman's letter. To read it. To see what Emma had said to her parents. To read and soak in everything she could from her love. It was yet any other way of keeping Emma with them, with her and she could take the letter out of the young woman's loose grip and read it.
Except she couldn't. Wouldn't. It was private. The idea of someone reading hers and Henry's felt wrong. Intrusive. The former Queen felt a rush of anxiety creeping within her chest, making it feel as if her blood ran cold. Where was Emma's letter? Without thinking to plunged her hands into her pockets felt instant relief that her small envelope was still where she'd left it. She hadn't lost it. Hadn't lost something so important.
"Her cardigan looks good on you" Snow said pulling Regina out her thoughts. Thankfully it seemed the other woman hadn't noticed her panic, or if she had she wasn't drawing attention to it. Despite her thankfulness of either possibility Regina found words wouldn't come and so she simply shrugged and pulled the front of the cardigan unnecessarily close for the August weather. The cardigan was unnecessary and Regina could feel her sweat lightly coating her skin and the heat prickling at her flesh, but she refused to take it off. She needed it to stay closer to Emma. Until she got home she wouldn't take it off.
Seemingly unperturbed by her lack of response Snow continued as if they were mid-conversation. "I wasn't sure she'd wear it because of the colour" she explained and without invitation moved to pick a piece of fluff from Regina's sleeve. The sleeve which Regina pulled out of reach before the other woman could even make the move. It was with an uneasy feeling Regina considered what the younger former Queen had said. She had given Emma the cardigan, the very same cardigan which Emma had probably worn when her unstable temperature had gotten the better of her. Yet another flood of unjustified annoyance pulsed throughout her veins at the thought that it wasn't just her Emma carried with her during her time away. For Regina it was perfume and bath products for Snow it was this cardigan.
"You gave her it? … Please tell me it wasn't yours" Regina said somewhat harshly, remembering the numerous articles of clothing Emma had brought across when she moved in. Each as hideous as the last, all of which when Regina asked about, Emma simply stated "Mary Margaret" as if that was answer enough. The possibility that the woman before her might have been its former owner did nothing to weaken its hold upon Regina however.
"No" Snow said with small weak wisp of a laugh. "She was always complaining she was cold when I rang. I just assumed it was the heating and she was too proud to ask for money to help, so I bought it and sent her it" Snow furthered though her explanation grew quieter as it continued.
The soft sand seemed to disappear beneath her, and yet her skin seemed to burn against it as she allowed the younger woman's words to register. It seemed to take an age though for their meaning to make sense and then for words to form. By the time they did she felt sick, her unfinished breakfast lurched within her stomach and she felt a hatred for the other woman she had not felt in decades.
Regina could have gone and seen Emma. Could have helped her. She wouldn't have had to be alone. Regina could have brought her back to Storybrooke sooner, they all could have had more time with the Saviour, but they couldn't because she hadn't known where she was. Snow had known and said nothing! She had told Snow of her belief that Emma's missing Swan pendant was at her Boston apartment and it was only now the damn woman was bringing this up!
"You knew where she was staying…you knew her address?" she growled through gritted teeth and around a snarled lip. It was like anger she had never felt before. It burned through her system and screamed for release and it was with almost bone breaking force she balled her hands to stop herself from hurting the woman in front of her. To blast her to a million pieces. She could feel her nails biting into the palms of her hands. Could feel Emma's letter scrunching in her hand and felt the familiar tingle vibrate from the small piece of paper; except she ignored it. The only thing stopping her from blasting the woman in front of her the look of horror upon Snow's face. The look that was so much like her daughter's when she had said something out of turn due to her illness not out of spite. The realisation was crippling, and reinforced by another "pulse" from Emma's letter.
"I rang to get it so I could send her it and her neighbour picked up and I explained about the cardigan and she gave me the address. I never knew…" Snow stammered in a very Mary Margaret manner. It did nothing to sooth the rage within the former Evil Queen. What made it worse almost was that Regina knew from reading Emma's diary that the only time Michelle visited her, was when Emma was too sick to do things unaided. It had been Michelle that got groceries, helped Emma move about amongst so many other things the fragile woman had been unable to do by herself. It should have been Regina doing those things. All of it. Snow had stopped her from being able to do the little things which would have made Emma's life that much easier.
"You knew where she was and you didn't tell me!" Regina stated as firmly as she could, though she suspected the families across in the sea were too far away to hear her and their Mayor arguing. Despite her desire to not cause a scene she couldn't simple sit so calmly next to the other woman and so made to stand.
"Regina…" Snow soothed and tried once again to take hold of her arm.
"No!" she finally shouted not caring anymore if the town's people heard her putting their precious Mayor in her place as she pulled her arm out of Snow's reach. She would not be comforted, and yet she found she could not stand to her full height to pull herself away from the woman who looked so much like the love she'd lost. "You knew and you didn't tell me. Things could have been different… I could have…We could have…you…" Regina said trying as hard as she could keep her temper to the forefront but instead the sadness took over once, because it could have been different. It could have all been so very different.
"I didn't know" Snow said all but pleading the other woman to understand. Regina did not want to understand. She wanted this pain and anger to disappear. She wanted her true love back. "All I knew was that Emma wanted to leave and she said it was you who'd told her to come and talk to me. She said you'd been having problems and she couldn't do it anymore…I thought she was running away from you…" the other woman explained and Regina was thankful for it because it fuelled her need to be angry no matter how much she wished she wasn't.
"Bet you loved that" she growled feeling the familiar anger but pang of guilt that was always associated with Snow's disapproval of their relationship. At the knowledge that Emma had fought for a family, her family and her parents for her entire life and once she had them they did not approve of her. Whether Snow's view was based solely who Emma was with or the fact she was with a woman Regina never knew nor cared to know, but she feared it could have been both. Either way Snow disapproved of something that was so fundamental to who Emma was, it had made Regina furious. It still did. It made her even angrier knowing Snow was right. It had been Regina who had suggested Emma go and speak to her mother. She hadn't however realised in doing so she was signing their relationship's death warrant…maybe even Emma's too.
"Of course I didn't!" Snow snapped back finally turning to where Regina was now kneeling. There was something keeping Regina in her place, stopping her from sitting once more but stopping her from rising and storming off. Not that she should be the one to storm off, she was here first.
"You were against our relationship from the start" Regina stated the guilt of the pain she knew it had caused her love was creeping in and landing solidly within her chest, constricting her breathing. Pain she had had inflicted upon her simply because she and Regina had fallen in love. Neither had planned for it. Neither had seen it coming and had been just as blindsided by it as anyone else. Emma hadn't been to blame and yet had suffered the most.
"Are you surprised?" Snow said simply though unpredictably Regina saw no malice. No she wasn't surprised. She was surprised it had taken Snow two years to admit it however when she had made her view clear. "She was my daughter Regina … with our past…of course I had my reservations" the younger woman continued as she folded her own envelope into her trouser pocket.
"Reservations! That's what you're calling it" Regina shrieked and finally whatever had been holding her in place, released her; though to her surprise she felt herself sit heavily upon the ground again. The former Mayor's heart was beating within her chest at a sporadic rate.
"I had my reservations. I had my doubts and my fears and Emma's leaving Storybrooke as far as I knew confirmed them" her former step-daughter replied firmly. Regina felt as if Snow had kicked her legs from beneath her; not because what Snow was saying was true, but because she knew exactly why she'd believed it. Regina had believed it. Regina had believed just as Snow that they had been having problems and Emma had fled Storybrooke to get away from one person. Regina. A month after Emma's return and death, Regina wished more than anything that they had been right. At least Emma would have been alive and healthy, even if it was in Boston.
"I would never hurt Emma" Regina said softly, if nothing else she wanted Snow to believe that. It was too late for Emma to get her approval but she guessed it was up to her to prove why Snow should have given it two years ago.
"You say that but after having a long history of doing just that…I found it difficult to believe" Snow said and Regina could see the honesty in her eyes. She wanted to defend herself. She wanted to deny what Snow was saying, except she was right. It was something she had to live with for the rest of her life. The knowledge of the damage she had inflicted upon her true love before she was even born; the hell she went through growing up because of her. Even the pain she herself inflicted upon Emma during her first year in Storybrooke. It was guilt she would never be able to shift.
"I love her" Regina breathed as she felt not for the first time today, tears prickling at her eyes. She wished she could stop crying. She was surprised she wasn't waterlogged with the amount of tears she'd shed over the last thirty-one days. She loved and lost the love of the life in little less than two years and yet somehow she was expected to keep going. To keep breathing. She wasn't even sure how she had managed for a month, never mind how she was supposed to manage for the rest of her life. She had finally learnt and gained the ability to love someone other than her son. Their son. She'd been loved selflessly in return. She had managed to achieve so much and somehow it had been ripped from her without her even noticing.
"I know… I know that now" Snow seemed to whisper back as if talking any louder may damage Regina further. What good did knowing it now do? Emma had believed Snow's love was conditional. Had believed that Emma had to do just as her mother wanted or she would be discarded just has she had been her entire life. Snow had done that. Had reinforced that by ultimately ignoring Emma's confession in Neverland…by expressing her belief she had failed as Emma's mother and wanted to try again with another child. By dismissing her love for Regina. Snow had done that and now Emma was gone, what good did knowing it now do to anyone. "Most of the time I knew that but I had doubts Regina and I couldn't risk Emma getting hurt by telling you I knew her address" Snow finished and Regina felt her tears almost boil down her face as they fell. She wouldn't have hurt Emma, not again.
"I could have helped her. I could have brought her home" the former Mayor said feeling the venom bubble and swelling in the gut of her stomach. She didn't know how much longer she could stand this fruitless argument with Snow before she did something she was almost certain she would regret. Snow had stolen precious time away from them. Was it her revenge? Pay back for the twenty eight years she had taken? It was now Regina turn to feel that pain.
"I know" the other woman said so softly it just made her madder. Snow didn't know. She didn't see the damage she had done. Snow was known for her inability to keep secrets…why did this have to be the one she kept? Why hadn't she told Regina? Why had she made Emma suffer alone and even though Snow didn't know it, feeling so unloved. Regina could have been there instead of distant memories of happier times brought on by familiar smells locked away in Emma's broken mind. She could have been there the night Emma had considered suicide. She could have held her and lied to make them both feel better, told her it was going to get better.
"You stopped that. You…you robbed us all of time with her", Regina spat and watched as Snow flinched. The woman before her simply looked guilty and it did nothing to make her feel better. It infuriated her. What good was looking or feeling guilty? It wouldn't bring Emma back. "We might have been able to cure her!" she continued and saw the second pity was back in the younger woman's eyes. If only she had known they could have done more… they could have done something! Emma had died because she hadn't known until it was too late.
"Regina…no" Snow whispered sadly in that sickening tone once more.
"NO!" the former Evil Queen bellowed. She was not going to have Snow White feel sorry for her. She was right and Snow was wrong. They could have done something and Snow had made that impossible. She had known where Emma was and instead of sharing that information…information which could have saved her daughter's life she choose to keep it to herself. Emma had slowly died believing no one cared, because she did not remember that she had countless people who did. She suffered because her own mother couldn't get her head out of the past and trust that her daughter had fallen in love. She had done this and there was nothing anyone could say or do to make Regina think otherwise. "You did this. You knew where she was and you did nothing. Everything could have been different" Regina shouted, hating herself for being able to hear her emotions getting the better of her.
"You don't think I know that now?" Snow replied sadly. "I didn't know. I didn't know what was happening to her and yes I might have let our past cloud my judgement but I did what I felt was best for my daughter with the knowledge I had" Snow continued in her usual righteous manner. She just didn't understand. "I regret not telling you, I do and it hurts knowing there's nothing I can do now to change it" the current Mayor finished and Regina once again felt the familiar spark.
"You're wrong" Regina replied, feeling for the first time in a month that maybe things good be okay.
"No… I'm not. I did what I thought was best. I never meant to cause you or Henry pain. I thought…" Snow continued clearly confused. Once again she had missed Regina's point.
"No" Regina interrupted as she pulled the letter out of her pocket and pushed it at Snow's face. "We can change it. She's not gone Snow" Regina said as she felt the first real smile grace her lips.
"I don't understand…" the other brunette said slowly and Regina resisted the urge to growl in annoyance.
"The letter damn it!" she shouted brandishing the envelope at the other woman who was looking at her as if she'd gone crazy. Maybe she had. "She's not really gone. When I touch it…when I read it I feel her. She's here. She's not gone" she explained and she watched as the look of confusions slipped from Snow's face; in its place was a heartbroken grimace.
"Regina, Emma is dead" the pixie haired woman explained. Regina felt the roar of fury erupt from within. Of course she knew that! Emma had died in her arms she did not need to be told such a thing from this idiotic woman. It was something she had revisited repeatedly in her dreams over the last thirty one days. She was no fool, she knew Emma was dead!
"You don't think I know that!" Regina rushed angrily before taking a deep breath. She did not need Snow's approval or blessing, Snow had no magic. It was only her and her alone that would be able to do it. But she owed it to Emma to explain to her mother. "Emma has magic…she is a product of true love and has this unique…marker…a feeling that I can feel every time I hold this letter" Regina continued as she debated explaining that both Emma and her had felt it when she was alive. Also to resist the urge to grab Snow's letter to prove her point. "She's not gone, I think I can bring her back I just need to find the way" Regina finished and she realised she was begging Emma's mother to understand. To not give up on her daughter yet again. She could do it, she could bring Emma back.
"What? Regina no. That's not possible. She's dead…she's gone" Snow explained and actually looked worried about her. Like Regina was important in this. To her. "These are just letters. Like the diary. Something she left for us to read once she was gone" the fair former Queen continued. Regina felt like bursting into tears. The woman before her knew about Emma's diary. She hadn't told anyone, not even Henry. She believed one day she would share it with her son once he was old enough. But Snow knew about it anyway. There was only one way Snow would know about Emma's diary… Emma herself. "Believe me I know…" the other woman tried to continue.
"You know nothing! You got your happy ending and your perfect prince" Regina shouted and she saw the moment the woman in front of her broke. She saw the fight she felt within. Fight to run, fight to stay. Fight to give up and the fight to never give in.
"She was my daughter!" Snow exclaimed in disbelief and Regina knew she'd lost the other woman. "There is NO one who wants what you're saying to be true more than me. You don't need to tell me how this is my fault because I already know that!" the other woman continued. Regina saw the angry tears spill from Snow's eyes and felt a pang deep within her chest. She blamed Snow, but knowing Snow blamed herself too made her feel worse. The thought of that young girl she had once cared for losing her daughter…blaming herself; it hurt more than she expected. The woman before her was suffering in a way she had wanted her to for decades. She was finally broken.
"She was thirty years old and I missed out on twenty eight of them. I am a mother and except I have no child. I miss her every second of every day so don't you dare tell me I don't know. I might not have lost my true love but I have lost my child and there is NOTHING I can do to make that pain go away. I must carry with me for the rest of my life knowing I could have done more to protect my daughter. So don't you dare tell me I got my happy ending because this is far from it!" Snow finished all but screaming at her as tears fell fast down her face. Regina wanted to badly to reassure the woman in front of her. The woman who right now was a perfect mix of the little girl Regina had looked after and the woman she'd lost. Regina could even see Henry in the woman crying before her.
"What if she isn't lost? What if these are her way of communicating with us?" Regina explained. Emma had promised she would do whatever she could when she died. What if this was it? What if this was her way of telling them she wasn't really gone. Emma had magic Regina could only dream of. She had been born with magic, it wasn't taught. Maybe this was her finally using it to its full potential. Her way of telling them she was just out of sight, if only they went looking.
"We have to let her go. It's not healthy…it's just wishful thinking. I wish it could be done but I can't…it can't be done" Snow said firmly though her voice still shuddered and Regina could see Snow's attempt to regain her composure.
"I can't give up on her, Snow. I can't. I have to try… I love her" Regina gulped, hearing her own breathe trembling. Maybe it wasn't possible, maybe she couldn't bring Emma back but she had to try. She couldn't walk this world alone. She'd done too much to get to this point not to try.
"I know you do and I know you feel like you can't give up but you have to. For your sake…for Henry's. I know-"Snow continued trying to sooth her as if she were a small child that did not understand what she was talking about. She understood better than Snow. She understood better than anyone ever could.
"You know nothing!" Regina cried as she pushed herself upwards. Standing at her full height she simply stared in disbelief at the pale woman. She could remember that sinking feeling at seeing Henry taking his own heart from his chest for Pan. She could remember every second that followed as Emma and she fought to get their son back. Get him back healthy…alive. They fought as every parent should and yet this woman had given up so easily on her daughter. She did not deserve a daughter like Emma Swan. It was with a look of disgust that Regina turned on her heel and refused to look back.
She could not stop the tears as they fell though. She clutched Emma's letter to her chest as she submerged herself in the feeling of Emma's magic. This wasn't like Whale trying to bring Daniel back. She wouldn't let that happen to Emma. Whale was a man of science not magic. Magic was what was needed. Magic she had. She had to try. She couldn't not. She couldn't look at her son and tell him there was nothing she could do, unless she tried. Emma was the saviour, the product of true love. The breaker of Regina's curse. Regina's true love and Henry's mother. It all had to mean something. She couldn't just give up. She wouldn't just give up. Not on Emma.