VARIOUS DISCLAIMERS: Credit for the original fanfiction university that inspired this spinoff goes to Camilla Sandman (also known as Miss Cam, creator of the legendary OFUM) and all her loyal followers. Disney owns PotC and all the characters therein. All students of the University (except Abigail and Cate ScarlettRose Cassandralorianna Morgan, who will be your Official Mary Sue Object Lesson for the semester) belong to themselves or to their creators and are used only by specific request.
Abby awoke lying on her face on a slightly damp wood surface that was rocking beneath her, and lifted her head up to look around. She was surrounded by bodies, all apparently just waking up from painful unconsciousness, and then she got a better look at the ship and gasped, jumping to her feet and looking around her in awe.
She was on the Black Pearl! Her eyes drank up every detail of the ship, just as she remembered it in the movies. There were several men doing something nautical-looking involving pulling ropes on the upper deck. A few more were standing in a cluster on the deck and sniggering at her and the other girls and young women. With them was the woman- Siren, was that what she had called herself?—who had appeared in her room last night during what Abby suddenly realized must not have been a dream after all. She glanced at her fellow abductees and saw an interesting assortment of expressions on their faces: confusion, excitement, horror, bliss, and nausea. Most of them were dressed similarly to herself- jeans and T-shirts- though there was a young woman in a long-skirted, old-fashioned dress darting suspicious glances around her and something that looked like an angular 50's sci-fi robot wearing a bustier, red brocade breeches, and leather boots, its long black hair shimmering in the sun. She rubbed her eyes and looked again, then turned to the girl beside her, Kat, who was running a hand through her short, dirty-blonde hair as she gazed around the ship in alarm.
"Please tell me you see that too."
"Huh? Oh, hi. I take it you mean Dominatrix Robot over there?"
"Um. Yeah. What the heck?"
"Not sure. Are we really on the Black Pearl?"
"Looks like it," piped up Nina, a somewhat younger brunette. "I'm beginning to think filling out that form was a bad idea."
"You filled out the form too?" Abby, Kat, and three other girls asked in unison.
"Form?" asked the woman in the dress, looking at them as if they were all crazy people- which in fact the majority of them probably were. The robot sat up weakly, pressing the back of one hand to its forehead in a gesture more suited to a delicate young woman than to a miniature version of the Iron Giant.
"Where am I?" it said in a faint, trembling female voice.
Siren strode up. "Everyone awake? Good. You writers know where you are and why, I assume, but I'll need to explain things for Sarah and Cate." The robot and the woman in the long dress looked at her, nodding. "You two are characters in Pirates of the Carribean fanfics who have been submitted to this university by your creators. You're here to learn what it's really like to live in your native time period and surroundings so that you can more accurately exist and carry out your roles in PotC fanfiction. Th—" she was interrupted by a piercing scream from the robot when it glanced down at its own body.
"I'm made of metal! And I'm so… pointy and rectangular and huge and my clothes don't fit right!" Siren made a visible effort not to laugh.
"Ah, yes. About that. Your creator, in the story you star in, well, she described you as having 'pail skin', which seems to have manifested as skin made of the same material that pails are traditionally made of, i.e. metal. The ridiculous clothes are what she described you to be wearing, and as for the pointiness, I can only assume that it was caused by the fact that you looked 'like an angle' which happens to be the definition of the word 'angular,' though 'angelic' was more likely what she had in mind. Pity. You serve as a wonderful object lesson though. Girls, Cate here is living evidence that running your story through spell check is not a foolproof process. Now…"
Suddenly everyone's attention was completely derailed as Jack Sparrow and Will Turner climbed from the hatch and walked towards them. One of the girls began fanning herself. Abby felt her jaw drop.
They did not look quite like Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom in costume, as she would have expected. Instead, they looked exactly like their characters in the movie… only in some weird way, more so. There was still a vague resemblance to the actors, from some angles, but they were mostly just... themselves. The effect was a dizzy cross between surreal and mouth-watering.
"I take it ye're the ones we're supposed to be trainin' in the pirate life?" the Captain asked rhetorically, surveying the small group with some amusement. "I've never seen so many lasses dressed up in men's britches in me life. I take it our Anamaria started a fashion?" he paused thoughtfully, then gave an elaborate shrug and gestured grandly at the ship. "Well this, mates, is the Black Pearl, and I, of course, am Captain Jack Sparrow." He bowed with a mischievous grin and indicated his companion. "This here is Will Turner. 'is father was a pirate. Good lad. Eunuch."
"For the hundredth time, Jack, I am not a eunuch!" Will snapped, turning slightly red. "Erm. Welcome to the ship, ladies. Will Turner, blacksmith, pirate, and not a eunuch in any way, at your service."
"You know," said one of the girls thoughtfully, "You could quite easily prove that to us, and then no one would ever call you a eunuch again." There was a murmur of agreement from the Will lusters in the group.
"Am I to assume you're asking me to - No! Absolutely not! I have a fiancee! And besides, you're… you're all…" Will turned a deeper red and faltered, looking indignant.
"Is that a suit of plate armor over there?" interrupted the former admiral Norrington, who had exited the hatch quietly while they were staring at the other two. Will looked relieved at the change of subject. "Or a metal person? What's it doing here and when can I get back to my own ship and crew?"
"I can have a metal person on me ship if I bloody want to, Norrington!" Jack said defiantly, then paused. "It's here because…. well, because… ah… Siren, why do I have a metal person on me ship?"
"Jack, don't you recognize me?" the pail-skinned young woman asked plaintively, taking a clumsy step forward with her long hair tangling in the wind. "It's me, Cate Scarlett-Rose Cassandralorianna Morgan, your childhood friend, adolescent love interest, and the one regret of your life. Surely you know me?"
"First of all, it's Captain, Captain Jack Sparrow, lass, and ye'd be wise to remember that. And I've never heard of a Cate Cassandra-whassamacallit Morgan in me life. All that is really yer name?"
"Yes."
Jack tilted his head slightly to the side and gave her a bewildered look. "But… why?"
Siren snickered and Norrington looked utterly lost.
"That's what my parents named me before they died and I was sent to the orphanage," the metallic girl said stubbornly, chin held high. "But you will find that I am not so eager to share my secret hopes and dreams with you now! I hate all pirates! I will not give in to your seduction!"
"Seduction?" Norrington asked, looking incredulously at the pail maiden. "You tried to seduce that?"
"Nah, I think she's a bit touched in the head," Jack replied. "Looks more like your type than mine. I say ye should go for it. 'Help ye get over losing Lizzie and all."
"Sparrow, I am a decent man and do not regret my actions in regard to Miss Swann. It was the honorable thing to do, not at all like a certain someone kissing her while she was engaged to another man. And I am only putting up with your company because we share a common purpose. The moment I have my former title returned to me, our truce ends and I tolerate your insolence no longer."
"I did not kiss her! She kissed me!" Jack argued, waving his hands emphatically and backing away from Will, who had shot him a dark look.
"Enough, enough, all of you!" Siren cut them off, stepping between the two. "We still have a student to collect, a fanfic character named Angel who according to her info, was kept as a slave for two years on a pirate ship before being rescued by the Black Pearl."
"What, a woman? Kept on a pirate ship for two years?" Jack asked incredulously.
"Apparently. Don't ask me. Maybe they couldn't sell her or something. Anyway, according to my information, they're currently docked at Port Royal, which is where we're going anyway. So we might as well rescue the kid."
"If we're going back to Port Royal, why was I included in this?" Norrington asked dryly. "I would have been at Port Royal if you hadn't dragged me off."
"Yes, but you, Will, and Gibbs were the only three people I could trust to provide reliable adult supervision besides myself, and I have to be there for the rescue to explain things to our new student. Gibbs will be busy on the ship, and Will will be out there fighting. Meanwhile, we have a handful of inexperienced teenagers without weapons here. I need someone to keep them out of the battle. Besides, you can use it as an example to educate them on the evils of piracy."
"You brought me along to babysit?"
"No, I brought you along to fangirl-sit. The difference being that you may have to literally sit onthem to keep them from rushing out into the fray to prove their bravery and loyalty to the crew. It's more like being volunteered to handle rabid wild animals than it is babysitting."
"And I'm supposed to find this comforting?"
"No, I'm afraid not."
"Hey. Excuse me?" One of the students raised her hand, grinning insanely as she did so.
"Yes, Holiday Faerie?"
"If the Middle-Earth Fanfiction university that this is based on was O-F-U-M, then is the Official Fanfiction University of the Carribean O-F-U-C?"
"Yes, though we generally don't refer to it as that, because of the way sounds if read as a word."
"You mean because it sounds like you're saying oh fuc-"
"Land ho!" The call from the crow's nest conveniently interrupted the profanity, keeping the story at a PG-13 rating.
Immediately the students scampered over to the foredeck of the ship to squint at the vague bit of land that had just become visible over the horizon.
"Is that really Port Royal?" Kelsey asked the quartermaster, who replied in the affirmative. "WOOHOO! We're really here!!!" she cried, bouncing up and down. Nina, Kat, and Koneka Naomi joined her in cheering as Becca and Sarah were promptly sick over the sides of the boat.
Siren gave them a diabolical smirk and walked away humming a sea chantey, imagining what other amusements the semester would bring.
Since there's only a handful of students so far, applications are still eagerly accepted. I need more students! How I wish I could really arrest people and bring them here- the ship would be full by now if I could- but that's harrassment, which is against site policy. :-(
To apply, all you have to do is fill out the form in the previous chapter and send it to me at ethersflameatyahoodotcom. Please put "fanfiction university," "PotC," or something like that in the title so it doesn't get mistaken for junk mail.